The Complete Works of William Shakespeare In Plain and Simple English (Translated)
Page 665
Achilles?
Your commander, Achilles.Then tell me, Patroclus, who is Achilles?
PATROCLUS.
Thy lord, Thersites. Then tell me, I pray thee, what's
Thersites?
Your lord, Thersites.So tell me, please, who is Thersites?
THERSITES.
Thy knower, Patroclus. Then tell me, Patroclus, what art
thou?
Someone who knows you, Patroclus.So tell me, Patroclus, who are you?
PATROCLUS.
Thou must tell that knowest.
You know me, you say.
ACHILLES.
O, tell, tell.
Oh, tell us.
THERSITES.
I'll decline the whole question. Agamemnon commands
Achilles; Achilles is my lord; I am Patroclus' knower; and
Patroclus is a fool.
I'll explain the whole question.Agamemnon commands
Achilles; Achilles is my lord; I am the one who knows Patroclus; and
Patroclus is a fool.
PATROCLUS.
You rascal!
You rascal!
THERSITES.
Peace, fool! I have not done.
Peace, fool!I haven't finished.
ACHILLES.
He is a privileg'd man. Proceed, Thersites.
He is given allowances.Go on, Thersites.
THERSITES.
Agamemnon is a fool; Achilles is a fool; Thersites is a
fool; and, as aforesaid, Patroclus is a fool.
Agamemnon is a fool; Achilles is a fool; Thersites is a
fool; and, as previously mentioned, Patroclus is a fool.
ACHILLES.
Derive this; come.
Come on then, explain this.
THERSITES.
Agamemnon is a fool to offer to command Achilles;
Achilles is a fool to be commanded of Agamemnon; Thersites is a
fool to serve such a fool; and this Patroclus is a fool positive.
Agamemnon is a fool to try to command Achilles;
Achilles is a fool to be commanded by Agamemnon; Thersites is a
fool to serve such a fool; and Patroclus is a fool full stop.
PATROCLUS.
Why am I a fool?
Why am I a fool?
THERSITES.
Make that demand of the Creator. It suffices me thou
art. Look you, who comes here?
Ask your Creator.It's enough for me to just know that you are.
Look, who's this coming?
ACHILLES.
Come, Patroclus, I'll speak with nobody. Come in with me,
Thersites.
Exit
Come, Patroclus, I don't want to speak to anybody.
THERSITES.
Here is such patchery, such juggling, and such knavery.
All the argument is a whore and a cuckold-a good quarrel to draw
emulous factions and bleed to death upon. Now the dry serpigo on
the subject, and war and lechery confound all!
Exit
There is such stupidity, such trickery and such knavery here.
The whole war is about a cuckold and a whore - fine things
to split into factions and bleed to death over.A plague on
the subject, and may war and their lechery damn them all!
Enter AGAMEMNON, ULYSSES, NESTOR, DIOMEDES,
AJAX, and CALCHAS
AGAMEMNON.
Where is Achilles?
Where is Achilles?
PATROCLUS.
Within his tent; but ill-dispos'd, my lord.
Inside his tent; but not entertaining, my lord.
AGAMEMNON.
Let it be known to him that we are here.
He shent our messengers; and we lay by
Our appertainings, visiting of him.
Let him be told so; lest, perchance, he think
We dare not move the question of our place
Or know not what we are.
Let him know that I am here.
he insulted my messengers; and I am
lowering myself by visiting him.
Tell him this, in case he thinks
that I won't assert my authority
or don't know my position.
PATROCLUS.
I shall say so to him.
Exit
I'll tell him.
ULYSSES.
We saw him at the opening of his tent.
He is not sick.
I saw him at the entrance to his tent.
He's not ill.
AJAX.
Yes, lion-sick, sick of proud heart. You may call it
melancholy, if you will favour the man; but, by my head, 'tis
pride. But why, why? Let him show us a cause. A word, my lord.
[Takes AGAMEMNON aside]
He's sick as a lion, sick from pride.You can call it
depression, if you're on his side; but to me it is
pride.But why, why?Let him show us a reason.A word, my lord.
NESTOR.
What moves Ajax thus to bay at him?
What makes Ajax rant at him like that?
ULYSSES.
Achilles hath inveigled his fool from him.
Achilles has persuaded his fool away from him.
NESTOR.
Who, Thersites?
Who, Thersites?
ULYSSES.
He.
Him.
NESTOR.
Then will Ajax lack matter, if he have lost his argument.
Then Ajax will have nothing to say, if he's lost the thing he's complaining about.
ULYSSES.
No; you see he is his argument that has his argument-
Achilles.
No; you see, the one he wants to argue with is the one who has taken
what he's talking about away - Achilles.
NESTOR.
All the better; their fraction is more our wish than their
faction. But it was a strong composure a fool could disunite!
So much the better; we're better off with them divided rather than united
against us.But they hardly had a great bond, if a fool can split them up!
ULYSSES.
The amity that wisdom knits not, folly may easily untie.
If a friendship isn't based on wisdom then stupidity can easily break it.
Re-enter PATROCLUS
Here comes Patroclus.
Here come Patroclus.
NESTOR.
No Achilles with him.
No Achilles with him.
ULYSSES.
The elephant hath joints, but none for courtesy; his legs
are legs for necessity, not for flexure.
The elephant has joints, but none to kneel politely;
he only has them for necessity, not for showing respect.
PATROCLUS.
Achilles bids me say he is much sorry
If any thing more than your sport and pleasure
Did move your greatness and this noble state
To call upon him; he hopes it is no other
But for your health and your digestion sake,
An after-dinner's breath.
Achilles tells me to say that he's very sorry
if it was anything more than your fun and pleasure
which made your highness and your noble entourage
come calling; he hopes you're just out
for the sake of your health and digestion,
getting a breath of air after dinner.
AGAMEMNON.
Hear you, Patroclus.
We are too well acquainted with these answers;
But his evasion, wing'd thus swift with scorn,
Cannot outfly our apprehensions.
Much attribute he hath, and much the reason
Why we ascribe it to him. Yet all his virtues,
Not virtuously on his own part beheld,
Do in our eyes begin to lo
se their gloss;
Yea, like fair fruit in an unwholesome dish,
Are like to rot untasted. Go and tell him
We come to speak with him; and you shall not sin
If you do say we think him over-proud
And under-honest, in self-assumption greater
Than in the note of judgment; and worthier than himself
Here tend the savage strangeness he puts on,
Disguise the holy strength of their command,
And underwrite in an observing kind
His humorous predominance; yea, watch
His pettish lunes, his ebbs, his flows, as if
The passage and whole carriage of this action
Rode on his tide. Go tell him this, and add
That if he overhold his price so much
We'll none of him, but let him, like an engine
Not portable, lie under this report:
Bring action hither; this cannot go to war.
A stirring dwarf we do allowance give
Before a sleeping giant. Tell him so.
Listen to me, Patroclus.
We've had enough of these answers;
but his evasions, quick as scorn makes them,
can't fool us.
He has great honour, and good reasons
why we give it to him.But all his virtues,
now that he's not living up to them,
are starting to look dirty in our eyes;
they're like sweet fruit in a dirty dish,
they'll rot if they're not tasted.Go and tell him
I have come to speak to him; and it will not be a lie
if you tell him we think he is too proud
and impolite, and that he thinks more of himself
than public opinion does; greater people than him
are waiting here while he assumes a rude and barbarous aloofness,
and they are reining in their holy right to command,
and are tolerating whatever mood is dominating him,
just watching him; yes, watching
his little tantrums, his mood swings, as if
the entire outcome of the war
depended on him.Go and tell him this, and add
that if he thinks he's too good for us
we'll have nothing to do with him, and he will
be like an siege engine which can't be shifted,
and we shall say this of him:
"Let's go, this is useless in war."
We shall be more favourable to a dwarf who wants to fight
than to a sleeping giant.Tell him that.
PATROCLUS.
I shall, and bring his answer presently.
Exit
I shall, and I'll bring you his answer shortly.
AGAMEMNON.
In second voice we'll not be satisfied;
We come to speak with him. Ulysses, enter you.
I'm not being spoken to through an intermediary;
I've come to speak to him.Ulysses, go in to his tent.
Exit ULYSSES
AJAX.
What is he more than another?
What makes him better than anyone else?
AGAMEMNON.
No more than what he thinks he is.
Only his own opinion.
AJAX.
Is he so much? Do you not think he thinks himself a better
man than I am?
Is he that great?Do you think that he thinks he's a better
man than I am?
AGAMEMNON.
No question.
Without question.
AJAX.
Will you subscribe his thought and say he is?
Do you agree with him?
AGAMEMNON.
No, noble Ajax; you are as strong, as valiant, as wise,
no less noble, much more gentle, and altogether more tractable.
No, noble Ajax; you are just as strong, as brave, as wise,
no less noble, much more gentle, and much more obedient.
AJAX.
Why should a man be proud? How doth pride grow? I know not
what pride is.
Why should a man be proud?What makes him proud?I don't know
what pride is.
AGAMEMNON.
Your mind is the clearer, Ajax, and your virtues the
fairer. He that is proud eats up himself. Pride is his own glass,
his own trumpet, his own chronicle; and whatever praises itself
but in the deed devours the deed in the praise.
Your mind is clearer, Ajax, and your virtues are
better.The proud man consumes himself.His pride is his own mirror,
blows his own trumpet, writes his own praise; and anything that praises
itself destroys the good thing it's done by doing so.
Re-enter ULYSSES
AJAX.
I do hate a proud man as I do hate the engend'ring of toads.
I hate a proud man just as I hate toad spawn.
NESTOR.
[Aside] And yet he loves himself: is't not strange?
And yet he loves himself, isn't that strange?
ULYSSES.
Achilles will not to the field to-morrow.
Achilles will not fight tomorrow.
AGAMEMNON.
What's his excuse?
What's his excuse?
ULYSSES.
He doth rely on none;
But carries on the stream of his dispose,
Without observance or respect of any,
In will peculiar and in self-admission.
He gives none;
he's just carrying on as before,
taking no notice of, and giving no respect to, anyone else,
just following whatever his ego wants.
AGAMEMNON.
Why will he not, upon our fair request,
Untent his person and share the air with us?
Why won't he, when we've asked politely,
come out of his tent and talk with us?
ULYSSES.
Things small as nothing, for request's sake only,
He makes important; possess'd he is with greatness,
And speaks not to himself but with a pride
That quarrels at self-breath. Imagin'd worth
Holds in his blood such swol'n and hot discourse
That 'twixt his mental and his active parts
Kingdom'd Achilles in commotion rages,
And batters down himself. What should I say?
He is so plaguy proud that the death tokens of it
Cry 'No recovery.'
He makes a great issue out of tiny things,
just because they've been asked; he's obsessed with his own greatness,
and can't even talk to himself without starting
an argument.His high opinion of himself
has fired him up so much
that his mind and body
are having a civil war with each other,
tearing him to bits.What can I say?
He is so plagued with pride that the symptoms
of it say he won't recover.
AGAMEMNON.
Let Ajax go to him.
Dear lord, go you and greet him in his tent.
'Tis said he holds you well; and will be led
At your request a little from himself.
Let Ajax speak to him.
Dear lord, you go and greet him in his tent.
They say he thinks well of you; perhaps he'll
soften his attitude if you ask him to.
ULYSSES.
O Agamemnon, let it not be so!
We'll consecrate the steps that Ajax makes
When they go from Achilles. Shall the proud lord
That bastes his arrogance with his own seam
And never suffers matter of the world
Enter his thoughts, save such as doth revolve
And ruminate himself-shall he be worshipp'd
Of that we hold an idol more than
he?
No, this thrice-worthy and right valiant lord
Shall not so stale his palm, nobly acquir'd,
Nor, by my will, assubjugate his merit,
As amply titled as Achilles is,
By going to Achilles.
That were to enlard his fat-already pride,
And add more coals to Cancer when he burns
With entertaining great Hyperion.
This lord go to him! Jupiter forbid,
And say in thunder 'Achilles go to him.'
Oh Agamemnon, don't do this!
We'd rather worship Ajax for staying away from
Achilles.Should the proud lord
who roasts in the fat of his own arrogance
and never allows anybody else to
enter his thoughts, unless it's some matter
which revolves around himself - should someone we think
is far greater bow down to him?
No, this triply-worthy and truly brave lord
shouldn't tarnish his honour, which was bravely won,
and I don't want him to debase himself,
however great Achilles is,
by going to Achilles.
That would add more lard to his already greasy pride,
and add fire to the heat of summer.
To say this lord should go to him!Jupiter forbid,
and he should thunder out, "Achilles should come to him."