Cravings of the Heart (Trials of Fear Book 5)

by Nicky James

  Iggy placed my tray aside and climbed on the bed beside me. I shifted into his arms as a tight ball of anxiety formed in my gut. I knew he was soothing and calming me before introducing the drink. It was important I keep my food down, so I listened as he spoke whispered words in Spanish.

  He’d done that last time too, and I didn’t know what they meant. Again, I caught the words mi corazón and remembered it meant my heart.

  I closed my eyes and absorbed the warmth of his embrace, reminding myself of what had happened to land me in the ICU and recalling all Dr. Kelby’s advice. When Iggy shuffled and reached for the bottle of Ensure, my heart responded accordingly, but I fought the war raging inside me, telling me to run.

  As determined as I was, the experience wasn’t all that different than the last time. Iggy pinned me to his chest and talk me through each tiny capful. Fear swallowed me up, and my tears were unstoppable. The sheer panic called attention to the nursing staff who silently remained on the outskirts of the action while encouraging Iggy to walk me through each mouthful.

  It was embarrassing, but I fought through. Crying and yet pulling his hand closer at the same time. Nodding for him to keep going and kicking my feet when the urge to thrash away was too much.

  Eating gave me that same overwhelming fear some people might get just before jumping out of an airplane. It swamped me, coating rational thought, and wouldn’t let me go.

  It took all my willpower to keep my food and drink down. My stomach clenched more than once and vomit crawled up my throat when I envisioned what could happen to me.

  It took over an hour to drink six ounces.

  In the end, a nurse suggested stopping because the stress wasn’t good for my heart.

  Exhaustion blanketed me after the whole ordeal was over, but taunting threats continued to flitter at the back of my mind.

  I lay in Iggy’s arms, cradled to his chest as he stroked fingers through my hair and shushed me, telling me I’d done well and I was safe.

  I didn’t feel accomplishment only defeat. Yes, I’d done better, but was this the kind of battle I would experience at every meal? Was this my future?

  If not this then I’d surely die.

  It was cuddled in Iggy’s arms on my hospital bed where Phoenix found us at eight o’clock that night. Visiting hours had ended, so I was surprised to see him.

  “Hey,” Phoenix said, noting our closeness and shuffling on his feet, sticking his hands in the pockets of his jeans.

  “Hey,” Iggy greeted. “Thanks for coming.”

  I tilted my head to look up at Iggy. “You invited him?”

  Iggy kissed the top of my head and buried his face in my hair, inhaling. “I did. I need to sleep properly tonight, or I’m going to make mistakes at work. People depend on me. Phoenix is gonna keep you company tonight in my place. Is that okay?”

  I eyed my brother and noted his gentle smile. “And here I thought you liked me.”

  Iggy laughed and squeezed me tighter. “More than you know. Phoenix is going to be nice to you and make sure you stay out of trouble.”

  “Have you met my brother?”

  “I have, and he’s one of the best guys I know. I trust him. But most importantly, I trust him to take good care of you. You hear me, mi amigo?” Iggy said to my brother.

  “I hear ya. Now say goodbye, lover boy, and go get some damn sleep. You look like shit.”

  “Give us a minute,” Iggy said, waving Phoenix from the room.

  Once we were alone again, he shifted me out of his arms and sat beside me.

  “Phoenix? Really? I have to spend the night with him?”

  “He’s on your side. We had a long chat, and he will make sure everything is okay. He promised me.”

  I didn’t have a lot of faith in my brother’s promises, but I trusted Iggy. He took my chin and angled his head, sealing our mouths together in a tender kiss. His hand slipped behind my nape and weaved up into my hair before he broke us apart.

  “Try to sleep. I’ll be back tomorrow, and we’ll work on taking more meal replacement drinks. Stay strong for me?”

  I nodded and rested our heads together. Iggy brushed his lips over my forehead and closed his eyes whispering, “Mi corazón, mi alma, mi vida.”

  My heart swelled. I didn’t know what it all meant, but the tenderness behind it was enough to bring tears to my eyes.

  When Iggy left, Phoenix came back into the room and took up residence on the hard plastic chair beside my bed. “Boy, this is gonna suck ass to sit on all night.”

  “We could snuggle on the bed,” I teased.

  “I’d rather stab my eyes out with scissors.”

  “Harsh.”

  We fell silent. It was odd having him there. We’d never been close, and our exchanges in the past were always full of harassing comments and negative quips. Phoenix’s gaze flickered around the room like he didn’t know what to say or do either. After a time, he stared right at me and sat forward.

  “You tired?” he asked.

  “Not really. I don’t want to sleep yet.”

  Because I need to be alert for symptoms of food poisoning.

  But I couldn’t tell Phoenix because he wouldn’t understand.

  He pulled a deck of cards from his coat pocket and tapped them against his palm. “Wanna play War?”

  I couldn’t stop the smile. Growing up, on the few occasions we’d been able to get along, we used to play War or Rummy. Cards were a favorite of Phoenix’s. Hence the poker nights he held at his house on occasion with the guys he worked with.

  “Sure.”

  I shuffled up on the bed and Phoenix planted himself cross-legged at the bottom. He dealt the hand, and we went through the motion of flipping cards and battling it out. At first, we didn’t talk, but as the game got going, Phoenix was the one to break the ice.

  “I don’t think you should go home when they release you.”

  I glanced up from the cards. “What? What do you mean?”

  “I mean, I don’t think Mom and Dad can support you properly, and you know they’ll never allow Iggy into the house. I know Iggy is fighting to help you get better. I’m afraid you’ll slip if you go home and live under their influence again. And if you slip…”

  The consequences didn’t need to be voiced. We both knew.

  I was speechless hearing my brother defend my health and more so my relationship.

  “Where else am I supposed to go? I can’t ask Iggy. We haven’t been dating very long, and it’s not fair to him. Bryn doesn’t have space and—”

  “Come stay with Carrie and me.”

  I opened my mouth, but no words came out.

  “Iggy and I talked about it. Carrie doesn’t mind, and we have a spare room. I have the ability to work from home if you need someone there for you. Otherwise, Iggy can come and go as he pleases. You’ll have more support this way.”

  “Phoenix… you hate me. Why would you offer that?”

  He put his next card down but didn’t make any more moves. “I don’t hate you. All these years, I thought you were just an attention-seeking brat. I was wrong, and I feel like shit because of it. I’m sorry I was such a dick. Let me help you out.”

  We struggled to hold each other’s gazes. Having Phoenix on my side meant more than I could say.

  “Unless you want to go home,” he added when I didn’t answer him.

  “No. I don’t. I’d love to come and stay with you. Thank you. I can help pay for myself once I get back to work. I have savings too.”

  “We’ll sort it out.”

  He smiled and nodded at my cards to encourage me to flip the next one over. We both turned over nines.

  “War,” he said, and the battle was on.

  It turned out to be a pretty great night keeping company with Phoenix. When my worries took over, he didn’t make fun of me and calmly talked me through the panic and pulled the nurses in to check my temperature if needed.

  Who would have guessed Phoenix and I could go a whole
night without killing each other.

  Chapter Twenty-Two

  Iggy

  My life had always been busy. I liked it that way. However, the past two weeks had slipped from “busy” to utterly chaotic. I worked my usual ten-hour shifts, raced to the hospital for the dinner hour to visit Arden and encourage him through meals—which included his once daily bottle of Ensure—kept an eye on my mother—buying her groceries and taking her to appointments—worked my volunteer shifts at the soup kitchen on the weekends, all while trying to remember to eat and sleep.

  Two weeks and Arden was finally being discharged from the hospital the following morning. He’d been placed on a number of medications for the time being, and with help, had successfully gained almost five pounds. He was stronger and more vibrant than ever.

  I slammed the trunk of my car with an elbow, my arms hung with plastic grocery bags. Manipulating my keys in my fingers, I managed to unlock Mom’s door without dropping anything and let myself inside.

  “Ma!” I called out as I unloaded my arms onto the kitchen counter. “Ma, I’m here with your groceries.” I raised my voice since she probably didn’t hear me the first time.

  “Iggy? Is that you?”

  “Yes, Ma.” I poked my head around the corner into the living room. She was at her craft table and working her fingers along the edge toward her cane. “I’m just going to unpack them. Did you eat dinner?”

  “I’d love some dinner. I haven’t eaten yet.”

  I chuckled. “I’ll make something.”

  While I spent a minute putting groceries away, Ma found her way into the kitchen and sat at the table.

  “Do you want a coffee?”

  “Sure,” she said, her hands moving about the table as she oriented herself.

  I set the pot to brew and pulled out the ingredients I’d bought to make Pescado Frito, a Colombian style fried fish my mother adored. I prepared it first before organizing the ingredients for a coconut rice dish and a tomato salad.

  My nerves had been on edge all day. I’d asked Phoenix to take on the responsibility of ensuring Arden ate this evening since I needed to officially have “the talk” with my mother about Arden and me dating. I’d held off long enough and knew with him being discharged our lives would probably grow closer. He wasn’t just a passing fling.

  I kept an eye on our food while I poured two coffees and set Ma’s in front of her. She felt across the table until her fingers discovered the mug then she wrapped her hands around it.

  I leaned on the counter nearby and sipped my own coffee before setting it down and taking a deep breath.

  “I’m dating someone,” I blurted, loud enough I wouldn’t need to repeat myself.

  Ma’s face split into a warm smile, and she glanced in my direction, unseeing. “Oh, mi hijo, I am so happy for you. Tell me.”

  I checked the food one last time before settling on the chair across from her. I took one of her hands in mine and squeezed to let her know I was close. “I don’t want you to get mad immediately. I want you to listen, okay?”

  She returned the squeeze and cocked her head, blinking in my direction even though I knew I was nothing more than shadows in the light.

  “Do you remember Phoenix McMillan? My best friend in high school?”

  I knew she would because the McMillan drama had exploded in my own house as well. My parents had both wanted to intervene at the time, furious that anyone would say such hateful things to their son.

  Ma shook her head, uttering tasteless words in Spanish under her breath. “That family hurt you. Please tell me you aren’t involved with that boy again. He’s not gay, is he?”

  “Ma, he’s not, but Phoenix’s brother, Arden, is and we met again not too long ago. He’s been through hell since he came out to his parents. We’ve been getting to know each other, and we clicked. We’ve been dating a little while. I know you don’t like me being involved with the McMillans—”

  “Because they hurt you. Their words were not godly. They were ugly and cruel.”

  “And I don’t forgive them. Believe me. They haven’t given me any reason to. But Arden is a beautiful man. Ma, we’re really close. I think it’s going somewhere special, and I want him in my life.”

  Her brow furrowed and she worried her lip before asking, “Are you happy?”

  “He makes me very happy.”

  “Then that’s all that matters. I hope you don’t let that family speak their nasty words to you again.”

  “I’m a big boy now, Mama. I can stand up for myself just fine.”

  She patted my hand and gave a tug, encouraging me to lean closer. She felt along my face and turned my head so she could kiss my cheek. “Such a good boy.”

  I finished making our meal, and we ate together for the first time in weeks. I felt lighter admitting my relationship to my mother. I knew she didn’t carry love for the McMillan family, but I hoped she could grow to like Arden. I wanted to introduce them some day.

  * * *

  Five o’clock couldn’t arrive soon enough. The second Mickey parked the rig in the garage, I flew out the door and snagged my backpack from behind the seat.

  “Can you take care of the logs?” I asked, bouncing on my toes, anxious to get on the road and over to Phoenix’s house.

  Arden had been discharged at noon, and I was itching to see him.

  “Go. See your boy. I got this covered.”

  “Thanks!”

  I raced to my car, pulling my phone from my bag as I walked. Arden and Phoenix had both texted to let me know he was there and settled. Arden’s parents hadn’t been pleased with the arrangement, but in the end, it wasn’t their decision.

  I sent Arden a text to let him know I was on my way and got in the car, kicking on the air the minute the engine was running. The first of August heat was suffocating. I’d kill for a shower, but I didn’t want to waste another minute getting to Phoenix’s.

  I parked behind Carrie’s car in the driveway and was met at the door by a smiling Phoenix.

  “Where’s Arden, and why are you greeting me?”

  “Because his ass isn’t allowed to leave the table until he finishes his food.”

  “He’s a drill sergeant! Save me!” Arden called from inside.

  I quirked a brow and shoved past Phoenix.

  Arden was exactly where Phoenix said he would be, sitting at the dining room table, frowning at the open bottle of Ensure. Over the course of two weeks, Arden had switched to using a straw, gulping mouthfuls when the urge took him. A few times, when his anxiety wasn’t as strong, he took a second bottle over the course of a day.

  A bowl of broth had been pushed aside, and I guessed it had once contained his nightly ramen noodles. Dr. Kelby had insisted Arden eat three, full-course meals a day of all the foods he could ingest without issue. No quitting halfway through. He ate it all even if it took forever which meant he ate toast and an apple for breakfast, crackers with peanut butter for lunch, soup and another apple for dinner, and Ensure as often as possible.

  His food was gone, and the bottle taunted him—if his glare was anything to go by.

  When he tried to fly off the chair and into my arms, Phoenix held up a finger. “Nope. Drink it, and you can have all the Iggy you want.”

  “You’re rewarding him with me?” I asked, laughing.

  Arden snarled at his brother and swung back around at the table, giving his drink the death glare.

  “It works. Besides,” he said to Arden, “do you want to end up back in the hospital?”

  Arden growled and flapped his hands a few times while pinching his eyes closed and breathing out a long breath, emptying his lungs. Then he chanted, “I can do it, I can do it, I can do it… Oh, God, I feel sick. I can’t do it. Yes, I can! I can do it, I can do it…”

  He’d become better at the whole process. Keeping food down was sometimes an issue, but he fought with everything he had, even when meals took as long as an hour or more to consume.

  Phoenix and I
stood back and watched while he worked himself up and finally grabbed the bottle, sucking furiously on the straw with his eyes closed tight. The fact he was able to do it on his own was a huge feat.

  My heart clenched when tears spilled down his cheeks, and he whimpered. His body shook, and he choked once before setting the bottle down and covering his face. He rocked and chanted and rocked some more.

  Sitting up, he focused on open-mouthed breathing as he fought the urge to vomit. I knew from having walked this road with him for two weeks that it was intense and he couldn’t always manage to prevent it. His terror overwhelmed him.

  After a few minutes, he simply cried. The control it took to get that small drink down wore him out and brought him to his absolute limits.

  Phoenix patted my shoulder and nudged me forward. “That’s his second bottle today, he’s earned you.”

  I scooped Arden up in my arms, all one hundred pounds of him, and he wrapped his legs around my waist, shuddering and sniffling onto my shoulder.

  “Don’t puke on me,” I reminded him.

  It’d happened once, and he’d been humiliated.

  He shivered in my arms and clung to my shirt as he worked through the worst of his reactions. I carried him down the hall to Phoenix’s spare room where I knew Arden was staying. Once inside, I kicked the door closed and dropped him on the bed.

  His pale skin and soft blond hair were a sharp contrast to the dark bedspread. I climbed over him and held my weight on either side of his small body. His breathing hadn’t calmed much, but he glanced up with so much emotion in his eyes, it was enough to make my heart full. Shaking, he lifted a hand and rubbed it over my head. He’d shared how much he loved the feel of my shorn hair. It grounded him and helped draw him back to the moment.

  I leaned in and kissed him, distracting him and enjoying a few minutes of undisturbed connection with this man who’d been slowly stealing my heart.

  His tongue flicked against mine, bold and velvety smooth, the hint of vanilla still lingering in his mouth from his drink. Perpetually cold fingers slid up my shirt and clung to my waist, digging into my skin and dragging me down until we lay crushed together. I treasured our connection, licking, tasting, and savoring his mouth. My body buzzed with want and need.