Lilac

by Reid, B. B.

  “Yeah. So did I.”

  I didn’t say anything after that. Shutting me up had been his plan, and it worked. There was no way I was going back to sleep, so I decided to recite the musical alphabet in my head. I needed something to distract me from wanting to ride his morning wood. By the time I reached F-sharp, the slow sound of his breathing, which told me he was asleep, pulled me under.

  I woke up for the second time that morning, and the notable difference was that I wasn’t alone. The bus was still rocking, but I barely noticed it.

  I noticed the hand underneath my shirt.

  I noticed how it palmed my tit as if it belonged there.

  If only I wore bras to bed. Honestly, I didn’t get those chicks. I hardly wore them when I was awake.

  Loren’s audacity didn’t surprise me. Nor did the thrill I felt by it either. I’d been asking for trouble when I allowed Loren to snuggle me in the first place.

  There was too much between us to pretend nothing was there at all. We’d already ruined each other, and when the pain began to dull, we stupidly ask for more.

  “I know you’re awake,” he mumbled before kissing my neck and squeezing me until my hard nipple stabbed his palm. Realizing the bunk had grown darker despite the sun rising while we slept, I glanced over my shoulder.

  The privacy curtain had been drawn.

  Whatever was about to happen, Loren had planned it. Probably from the moment he put me in his bed. I guess he had to get his beauty rest first. With the two of us being the only ones awake, there was no one to stop us from causing more trouble.

  “I’m awake.”

  I didn’t object when he licked his thumb before finding my nipple and teasing it. “Want to play?”

  “You were an ass to me, Loren. Why would I?”

  Why indeed. Secretly, I wanted him to pull down my shorts and slip inside me in the dark. No one had to know.

  “You fucked Houston,” he reminded me, but there was no anger in his voice. “And I’m not sure what you did with Rich, but, baby, I’m pissed.”

  “We weren’t exclusive.”

  “And now we’ll never be.” I felt him skim his lips over my shoulder. “We can still have some fun, though.”

  Like icy shards cutting me deep and leaving me bleeding, I shut down. “Get off me.”

  When he pretended not to hear me, I took his hand and flung it away. I felt the loss, but I ignored it. I tried to climb over him and leave, but he pushed me back and climbed between my legs. There wasn’t enough space for me to fight him and win.

  “Shh, stop,” he whispered when I squirmed anyway. I was a second from damaging his pride and calling out to Houston when he said, “I’m sorry.”

  “Fuck you.” I turned my head away to stare at the drawn curtain.

  “Just say when as long as the answer is now.” From my peripheral, I could see him smiling down at me. He knew the effect his smile had on me. He knew how often it got me wet.

  “I’m so sick of your toxic, narcissistic shit. Either treat me right or leave me alone.” Still refusing to look at Loren, I shook my head. I’d done nothing but dole ultimatums since meeting these assholes.

  “That’s an easy one.” Leaning down, he brushed the tips of our noses together and then our lips. I hated how sweet his kisses were. They were the dangerous kind. The ones that convinced you to put up with more than you should. “I really am sorry, baby.”

  “Are you?” I turned my head, letting our eyes meet. His gaze reminded me of the way light deceived when it broke the surface of the water. You never realize how deep the water reached until you were already drowning. “Prove it.”

  “How?”

  He sounded eager, and I was almost sorry for intending to make him regret it. “I want to sightsee today, and I want you to take me.”

  “Done.”

  “I’m not finished.” He looked wary now, and my sweet smile of false reassurance didn’t wipe the look away. “I want Houston and Jericho to come, I want you to be nice to them, and I want you to be nice to me. At least for today.”

  I’ll just have to figure a way to convince him when tomorrow comes.

  “You want me to do what?”

  I didn’t repeat myself. He’d heard me the first time.

  Blowing frustrated air through his nose, he considered my proposal.

  “This isn’t a good idea,” he warned with a shake of his head. He had the cutest bed hair. The blond strands were ruffled from sleep, and I liked the look on him.

  As he stared down at me, I felt sixteen again—only he’d be the cute boy next door. I wished I’d known him then. I wished it had been Loren I’d given my virginity and let use my body. I knew he would have stood by me.

  “I don’t care. I’m done living my life afraid of what tomorrow brings.”

  “Cool, so when we kill each other?”

  I dug my nails into his naked back. “You’re going to be nice, remember?”

  Loren rolled his eyes, and then slowly, his demeanor changed. I wasn’t sure I’d ever seen him look so defeated as he stared at the bedspread beneath me. “Tell that to them,” he mumbled.

  When his gaze shifted to me, and I saw the uncertainty in it, I finally asked the question that had been nagging me since Oni brought it up. “What happened between you? Why aren’t you close anymore?”

  Once again, I watched his mood shift. There was distrust in his eyes now since I shouldn’t know that they secretly hated each other. “Who says we aren’t close anymore?”

  “You still call them your best friends, but you fight them like you’re not. Am I not supposed to notice how you’re always eager to get away from each other?”

  “Friends fight,” he argued with a shrug. The careless demeanor he tried to give off didn’t match the angry curl of his lip. He was defensive, and that gave me hope when I shouldn’t care.

  “They do,” I agreed. “But not like you. Not as often as you.”

  I tried not to look so disappointed when Loren moved from between my legs to lay on his back next to me. When he was settled, he folded one arm beneath his head. “It’s this life,” he mumbled while staring at the ceiling. “We didn’t know how much we’d be giving up. We started to blame each other for our choices, even though we’d made them together.”

  “You resent being famous?”

  He shook his head. “I resent how much I needed it. I traded one fucked-up existence for another. We all did. The only one who really had a choice was Houston.”

  I frowned at that. “So why did he do it?”

  Turning his head, Loren stared at me for a long time, probably deciding whether it was safe to confide in me. I wish I knew the answer. I told Houston that I didn’t want to hurt them, but pain was often caused unintentionally.

  “Rich…and me.”

  Just as I was getting close, Loren decided he was done sharing. Ripping back the privacy curtain, he left me in his bunk alone.

  Throwing my arm over my eyes, I wondered if, like them, I’d agreed to more than I had bargained. They were complicated at best and completely hopeless at their worst. Guarded, they were a labyrinth of emotions, questions, and riddles. I was traveling up this winding creek without a paddle, a map, or a clue. The hurdles they forced me to jump to reach them were high. I was already bearing the scrapes and bruises.

  I summoned the energy to pull myself out of bed with a groan for the second time today. The moment I lifted my arm, I found Houston awake, sitting up and staring at me as if I’d kicked his kitten. Sensing I needed it to face the day, my mind conjured the image of Houston with a dozen kittens crawling all over him. I made sure he noticed the smile it brought as I hopped from the top bunk and landed on my feet.

  “Coffee?”

  I didn’t wait for his answer before prancing through the door leading to the kitchen.

  He followed me, of course.

  Houston was silent as he sat down at the small table no one ever used. I knew he was trying to figure out what I was u
p to and how far I’d gone with Loren in his bed. I hummed to myself just to piss him off as I tinkered with their fancy coffee machine. I was slowly getting the hang of all the bells and whistles.

  “What are you up to, Fawn?”

  Ah, so it speaks. I kept my back to him while the first cup filled. “What do you mean?”

  “Why are you asking questions that are none of your business?”

  “That’s your perspective. It’s not mine.”

  “Cut it out, Brax. I fucking mean it. No more questions and no more pretending you care. None of us are going to fall in love with you.”

  Jesus.

  Every day, Houston gave me a new motive to murder him. I wondered if there was a time when he wasn’t so arrogant. I doubted it.

  Grabbing the full cup when the machine stopped spurting, I set it down in front of him, knowing he liked it strong like me. Our black hearts beat the same hard rhythm.

  “You’re right. I don’t care. I’m just curious.” I chose to ignore his claim that I was looking for love. I wouldn’t dignify his assumptions by answering them.

  “Why?” he questioned after eyeing his coffee before pushing the cup away. I smirked. Surprisingly, it never crossed my mind to poison him.

  “Why what?”

  “Why are you curious?”

  “That’s the thing about curiosity, Morrow. It’s random and often pointless. A passing fancy. Oh, look, I’m already bored.”

  He stared at me a beat before his gaze narrowed.

  Why yes, Houston, I do mean you.

  “You’re bored?” he echoed so low I almost didn’t catch it.

  I gripped the counter behind me in an attempt to appear casual. All it did was push out my chest. His gaze dipped briefly to my nipples poking through the thin tank before returning to me.

  “Completely.”

  “So you’re saying if I tried to kiss you right now, you wouldn’t let me?”

  “Are you asking permission? You never cared about it before,” I tossed back.

  “Irrelevant. Yes or no, Fawn?”

  I kept my mouth shut.

  When he slowly stood from his chair, I forced myself not to move. We both had a point to prove, and neither of us considered the consequences.

  After all these months, he still hadn’t learned that I would never make it easy for him.

  I could already feel Houston’s kiss intensifying the ache Loren had started between my legs. We both still had morning breath, for fuck’s sake, but it didn’t matter when he was this close. I was trapped against the counter with his hands on my hips. The tiny shorts I wore did nothing to protect me from his warmth.

  Houston was a blazing inferno, and I was the match that lit him.

  “Last chance, Braxton.”

  “Go to hell, Houston.”

  Smiling, he took his time, letting our lips meet. He was giving me the chance to make a choice, and I was still pretending I didn’t have one. It was irresponsible. Neither of us wanted to take the blame for what happened next.

  He kissed me slowly and gently. The way he stroked my tongue with his reminded me of lazy Sunday mornings spent in bed with the sheets twisted around our tangled legs.

  It was not at all what I expected.

  With one kiss, Houston proved that he was the storm and the calm, and I, the destruction he left behind. As our lips continued to dance, my hands found his bare chest, moaning at the hard muscles there. I wanted him wrapped around me.

  Feeling him pull away, I whimpered. If I weren’t too far gone, I would have been embarrassed. So much need in such a broken sound. I didn’t want to leave this dream world.

  When I opened my eyes, he was staring down at me, mistrust and desire swirling in his green gaze.

  “Play your stunts, Fawn. I do enjoy making you sorry.”

  Undoubtedly, if there were a girl out there more daring than me, of the three, Houston would be the hardest to conquer. He considered himself responsible for his friends and what remained of everything they shared. Letting someone in meant lowering his guard and taking a chance that the person didn’t mean them harm.

  I ached at the thought even as I spoke.

  “Then piss me off, Morrow. That shouldn’t be too hard for you.”

  This was getting weird.

  But not in the way that made me think shit was totally fucked. The hope stirring in my gut was real, and it wouldn’t go away. Each day it grew stronger. Before, it never lasted past noon because my friends were jerks.

  Whether she knew it or not, Braxton had taken up our cause.

  Houston was suspicious and fearing the worst. Loren was still convinced he only wanted to get his dick wet. He claimed he was allergic to commitment, but I think he craved it more than he knew. At some point, we start to believe a certain perspective of ourselves, and no evidence otherwise can change our minds. The strongest illusion was delusion.

  Loren looked at Braxton like she fed his soul, and he was eagerly waiting for just a little more. It wouldn’t go over well when he finally realized it. He’d rather be told he had terminal cancer than to hear that he was falling for our insatiable rebel.

  Right now, he was too occupied with Braxton’s lips to worry about his heart. It was all I could do to keep my gaze forward while Houston navigated Dallas. Security trailed us in separate cars while we did this little outing. Braxton had invited us to go sightseeing, and none of us had the willpower to say no. Even if it was weird as fuck.

  “Headstrong” by Trapt started to play, and Houston turned up the volume. I was pretty sure he was trying to drown out the sound of Loren and Braxton making out in the back seat. It didn’t matter how high he cranked the volume, though. We were too tuned in to every move they made.

  Even now, I could hear clothes rustling, followed by Braxton’s soft sighs.

  “It’s a shame,” Loren muttered when they finally stopped sucking face long enough. “I could be knuckles deep in your pussy right now, but you insisted on bringing food to a buffet.”

  Yeah, he was definitely taking a dig at Houston and me.

  “How will I ever survive?” Braxton returned.

  Loren chuckled, but I knew him. He didn’t find it all that funny. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw him glowering at his phone.

  I was just relieved it was over.

  Braxton was no longer hiding that she was attracted to all of us. Before we left, she’d kissed me good morning while Houston and Loren looked on. I saw their jealousy when she pulled away, but they hadn’t said a word. I didn’t know what it meant that we weren’t acting on it. We’ve never so much as double-dipped inside of a groupie, and now we were sharing our guitarist?

  One of our songs started playing through the speakers, and listening to Calvin’s insane riff was the first drop of grief I’ve felt since he died. As much as I hated him even after death, I couldn’t deny his gift.

  “Can we change the song?” Braxton grumbled from the back seat. “No offense, but I get enough of you guys when we’re playing.”

  “You mean us,” Houston corrected, darkness edging his tone. He even risked taking his attention off the road to pin Braxton with his gaze. “You’re Bound now, or should I find a more effective way to remind you?”

  I think everyone held their breath as they waited for her response. When it came, she didn’t disappoint. She never did. Sarcasm and defiance were her weapons of choice. It didn’t take us long to learn, but we were still figuring out how to know better.

  “I don’t know,” Braxton mocked. She sounded deceptively pliable. “I think the hundred and fifteenth time is the charm. Why don’t you remind me again?”

  Sinking lower in my seat, I turned my head toward the window to hide the smile playing on my lips.

  I just knew she was batting those big, brown eyes at Houston and daring him to do something about it. I was itching to turn in my seat and see for myself, but I didn’t want her to think that I was helping Houston back her against another wall.

&nbs
p; Not this time.

  Not when she made my knees this weak.

  “Maybe Braxton should deejay,” Lo suggested, breaking the tension. Houston had already refocused on the road. Since he was strangling the steering wheel, I knew the conversation wasn’t over. At least for them. He’d resume it the moment he got her alone. “We all know Morrow only likes the sound of his own voice.”

  I couldn’t help myself this time, so I peered into the back seat and found Braxton cutting her gaze at Loren. I also spotted the hickey he’d left on her neck right next to Houston’s and mine.

  “Why me?” she asked him when no one objected.

  I couldn’t tell if she was nervous about sharing her music choices or too smart to think that Loren was up to any good.

  Maybe it was a little of both.

  She didn’t want us figuring her out because of what we might do with that information. Someone should have told her that she couldn’t peer into our minds without baring a little of herself in return.

  I see you.

  Loren paused his brooding to focus on Brax. He licked his lips as he watched her as if he could already taste her tears. Or maybe he had something else in mind. If he only knew how good she tasted.

  “Why not? Afraid we’ll find out that you secretly love the Backstreet Boys? I suppose you think “I Want it That Way” was the greatest love song ever written.”

  “No,” she returned, sounding confident even when Loren was forcing her to play defense. “But I do think “Goodbye Earl” is pretty killer.”

  “‘Goodbye Earl,’” I echoed from shotgun. “Isn’t that a song about a woman who killed her husband?”

  Braxton shrugged, still staring at Loren.

  I need you to notice me.

  My head had my heart all twisted up. The feeling only intensified when Braxton finally looked my way. Her attention was like phantom fingers tiptoeing down my spine. Goose bumps appeared on my skin just as those full, red lips of hers moved. “I said it was killer.”

  She smiled at me like I deserved the privilege.

  My heart skipped a beat while warmth filled my belly. Braxton must have read it on my face because her smile disappeared, and then she was pulling out her phone. I watched her tap the screen a few times, and after helping her connect her phone to the car using Bluetooth, Tool’s “Sober” spilled through the speakers.