Torn: (#12 The Beat and The Pulse)

by Amity Cross

  Lawson looked everything over but didn’t make any comment about my minimalist approach to apartment furnishings.

  “I move around a lot,” I said. “It’s one of my issues. It’s why I’ve had so many jobs. I, uh… I like to start over when things get rough.” Lame.

  “I hope you won’t this time,” he murmured.

  “This time is my make or break.”

  Lawson nodded and sat on the end of my bed. Mainly because there was nowhere else to sit, but seeing him on my bed made me tremble. I was angry, sad, and every adjective in between, but I couldn’t shut off the part of me that was passionately attracted to him.

  “It’s kind of the same for me,” he said. “I know things have to change.”

  I sat beside him, leaving just enough space between us so we didn’t touch.

  “It’s hard to know where to begin,” he said after a moment.

  “Try the beginning. That usually works.”

  He grimaced and looked at his hands. “Sera and I… We used to mess around a long time ago. It was never anything serious. Back then, I was running with a bad crowd. Drugs, alcohol, partying, sex. I was on what felt like a one-way street to an overdose or worse. Sera was part of that world. We’d get messed up together, go on benders, and wind up in bed.”

  I tensed, not liking the fact that he’d slept with a woman like Sera. It was in his past, long before he met me, and I didn’t have any right to be angry with him about it, but I still felt wronged.

  “What happened?” I asked. “Sera said…”

  “I know what Sera said,” he snapped. “She told you I broke her heart, right? I left her when she was at her lowest?”

  My heart twisted, and I nodded slightly.

  “She was part of the problem, Amber. Sera never wanted to quit the drugs she was on or stop partying. I did. I knew if I didn’t get out, I never would. I’d screw up my entire life. My dream of becoming a professional fighter would go down the drain. I tried to make Sera see what she was doing was destructive, but she never wanted my help. I tried…fuck, I tried. So many times. That was about the time I met Sadie.”

  “Sadie?” I asked, frowning.

  “She…” He took a deep breath and rubbed at his eyes. “Sadie was the light at the end of a very dark tunnel.”

  I felt another selfish pang of jealousy and hated myself for it. Whoever she was, she meant a great deal to Lawson. Maybe he’d even loved her. It was something I’d never had and desperately wanted, but could I claim Lawson in that way?

  “What happened to her?” I whispered, dreading the answer.

  “She…passed away.”

  “Oh, fuck, Lawson.” I reached out and laid my hand on his thigh.

  “It was messed up, Amber. Real messed up. Sera and Sadie were at odds over me. I had to make the hard decision to leave Sera. She didn’t want my help, and I knew if I stayed, I would have been dragged back into an addiction I couldn’t handle. Sera and I were never in love. It was always the drugs, and Sadie helped me get out of it. Sadie…”

  “You loved her,” I murmured. “It’s okay to say it, Lawson.”

  “I did,” he whispered. “But she’s gone now.”

  He loved Sadie and never saw Sera that way. Add drugs to the mix, and the world suddenly became twisted. The whole situation sounded like an impossible-to-navigate minefield.

  I lowered my gaze, my problems sounding insignificant and petty compared to the pain he’d been holding on to. I couldn’t believe the way I’d acted. He’d needed me, and I’d imploded over what felt like nothing at all.

  “Sadie’s death was hard on everyone, including Sera,” Lawson continued. “She got involved because of me, so I was blamed. I was cut off from everyone in my old life. I had nothing left—I was completely broken. So, I decided to leave all the pain and suffering behind and start fresh. Simon helped me get back on my feet and gave me a job at the Phoenix. I’ve been there ever since, trying to move forward. Trying to…” he trailed off and shrugged. “I don’t know.”

  “Why would she come back?” I mused.

  “Because, in some twisted way, Sera blames me for Sadie’s death,” he replied. “It’s that simple. She’s still hurting, so it’s only fair she destroys everything good in my life.”

  I closed my eyes, mad at myself for jumping to the worst conclusion. I’d made it all about me and my petty hang-ups. I’d made it about sex when Lawson was obviously holding back because he was afraid of hurting again. I knew all about those things. I’d been insecure when he was trying to be noble.

  “I didn’t mean to go all basket case on you,” I said. “It’s never been any different for me. I’ve tried so hard to find someone and every single time…” I couldn’t finish my thought, but Lawson seemed to understand.

  “You were just reacting to things the only way you knew how.”

  “It’s not an excuse.”

  “Maybe not, but you’re aware and trying to work past it. That’s a big step.”

  I leaned against him. “We kind of mirror each other in that way.”

  Lawson’s hand slid around my waist, and he pulled me close. “I didn’t mean to hurt you, Amber. Sadie’s gone, and I know that. You and me? This is now. What I feel for you…”

  I looked up at him, my forehead brushing against the stubble on his jaw.

  “Sera will try again,” he whispered.

  “I know.”

  “I don’t know what this thing between us is,” he admitted. “But I know I care about you, Amber. I want… I want to protect you. I don’t want to hurt you.”

  “Is that why you’ve been holding back?”

  He nodded.

  I reached up and cupped his face in my hand, the gesture feeling comfortable. At that moment, I realised I’d never felt like this with a guy before. I’d always been tense and worried about saying the wrong thing, or doing something to ruin my chances, or wondering if I were wearing the right clothes or even kissing the right way. With Lawson, I hadn’t thought about any of those things. Not even once.

  With him, it had been rocky, but once we’d connected, it was easy. Talking, kissing, being. Sharing the darkest parts of ourselves felt right. We understood each other like no one else did, and when we were together, our bodies ignited with a spark that was otherworldly. Could this turn into something more?

  I blinked, breaking off my wild thoughts before they went too far into obsession territory. One step at a time, Amber.

  I pressed my lips to Lawson’s, kissing him softly.

  He sighed, his breath wavering as his grip tightened around my waist.

  “I want you, Amber,” he whispered. “Can I have you?”

  “Yes,” I rasped. “Yes.”

  He kissed me this time, his hands finding their way underneath my top and caressing my skin. My top was gone and his followed, then our boots hit the floor, and we fell back onto the bed, writhing and exploring. He took off my bra with an expert’s touch, and his tongue flicked my erect nipples, teasing until my hands found their way into his jeans. I cupped his arse, dragging my fingernails along his flesh, relishing the gasp of pain that tore from his lips.

  “I knew it,” he murmured, undoing the button on my jeans and lowering the zipper.

  “Knew what?” I returned the favour until we were both in our underwear—him in his tight boxer briefs, and me in my black lacy knickers.

  I couldn’t bear it anymore. I shoved down his boxers, and his cock sprang free, hard and ready. I’d felt it but never seen it, let alone touched it. Reaching out, I curled my hand around his length and stroked, his skin silky to the touch. When my thumb circled the bead of liquid at his tip, he hissed between his teeth and thrust into my grasp.

  “You gonna answer me?” I asked, squeezing gently.

  “I knew you were going to be wild.”

  “Yeah?” I squeezed his cock again.

  Lawson moaned and forced my legs open. The moment he touched me, I reared up off the bed with a cry. I hadn’
t realised how much I longed for this. For him.

  “I want…” I muttered. “Please…”

  “You want me in you?” he teased.

  “Yes.”

  “How?”

  I bit my lip, knowing he wanted me to bare my fantasies to him, but the only time I’d said what I wanted was that day on the street. I was mortified, and now that we were finally naked and within an inch of fucking, I couldn’t say it.

  “Tell me, Amber. You can’t say the wrong thing, believe me.”

  “What do you want?”

  “No deflecting,” he whispered. “Tell me how you want me to please you.”

  He wanted to please me? Usually, it was the other way around, right?

  “Remember what you told me,” he said, his fingers sliding between my legs. “You’re so wet. So ready. How do you want me to please you?”

  “I want…” I gasped as his finger dipped inside me, but it was short-lived. Just a little tease of what was on offer. I closed my eyes. “I want your cock inside me.”

  “How?”

  “Hard.”

  “And?”

  “Fast.”

  He sucked in a sharp breath.

  Lawson rolled away and searched for his jeans, then he returned with a condom and opened the packet. He knelt between my legs and rolled the condom over his erection, his eyes hooded. I was open and waiting, my gaze fixed on his movements as my teeth dragged along my bottom lip. This was it. This was what I wanted. Lawson. All of him.

  His weight pressed over me, and we writhed, kissing like we would die without one another. Our tongues twined, our breath mingled, and his sheathed cock slid between my legs, teasing and tempting. I hoped he could make me come because I needed the release so bad. Not every guy I’d been with had been able to get me off, and not every guy cared.

  “Amber,” Lawson whispered.

  “I need to come,” I said, wriggling underneath him. “Can you make me come?”

  “Yeah. I’m gonna make you come so hard.” His words sparked inside me, and I bucked up from the mattress, my breasts rubbing against his chest. “So hard.”

  He slid his cock into me, stretching and filling until I couldn’t take any more. He held still, his forehead creasing as he swirled his hips, driving a little deeper with each swirl. I moaned, digging my fingernails into his back. Then he reared back, and the emptiness left me feeling hollow until he thrust, driving into me once more.

  Lawson had me slowly at first, making sure I felt every inch of him. His mouth kissed a trail over my breasts, his teeth biting and lips sucking. It was all I could do to hold on under the onslaught. All the things I’d felt for him—the desire, the need, the throbbing lust between my legs—were being caressed and stroked.

  I’d never been so lost in the sensation of sex before, not like this. Only in my fantasies had I come the way I wanted. Desperate to bring those visions to life, I rolled my hips upward to meet his thrusts, and his cock struck deep and hard.

  I felt my orgasm rising in waves, the sensation already better than any man had ever given me. Lawson was better, and I hadn’t even come yet.

  “Don’t stop,” I cried with a strangled moan.

  “Never,” was his reply.

  “I’m…” I came, my body tensing and shuddering with pleasure.

  Lawson didn’t stop. His thrusts became erratic, his pace increasing to the point of punishing, and I was lost to sensation. His moans mingled with mine as his lips brushed along my neck, his cock buried deep. Our heartbeats mingled, beating out a wild rhythm, and all I could think about was going again.

  We lay together, our limbs tangled, our skin tacky with sweat, our chests heaving, and his cock still deep in my pussy. Then…

  He pulled out and covered me again, his mouth moving down, down until his lips closed over my clit and sucked.

  Time ceased to be, and all we were was sex and feeling.

  16

  Lawson

  The next morning, the sun was out, its rays breaking through a wall of grey storm clouds.

  Amber and I walked side by side, her arm brushing against mine. The ground was damp, though I hadn’t realised it had rained during the night. I guess I’d been preoccupied.

  It felt good to be able to finally talk about stuff with her. Really fucking good.

  “You’re quiet this morning,” I said.

  Amber glanced at me. “I’m always quiet.”

  She had a point, though she’d been pretty damn vocal last night. I grinned, resisting the urge to rearrange my favourite appendage. We were in public.

  “Are you cool?” I asked.

  “With?”

  “Last night.”

  She nodded. “I wouldn’t be standing here with you if I weren’t, let alone…you know.”

  I chuckled. “Good to know.”

  All too soon, we reached Chapel Street and stood at the traffic lights, waiting for them to change. The Phoenix sat across the road, and for the first time in a long time, I found myself not wanting to go to work. Fitness and fighting, those things were my entire life, but now, Amber was in it. I orbited her like she was the fucking sun. Her gravity was my anchor.

  The pedestrian lights came to life, and we crossed the road, real life rearing its ugly head. No matter how much I wanted to stay in bed with her, naked, responsibility always came knocking.

  “How do you want to play this?” I asked as we came to a stop outside of the Phoenix.

  Amber glanced into the gym, a look of uncertainty flashing across her pretty features. There was still part of her that was waiting for her entire world to implode. I tried not to take it personally and laid my hand on her arm.

  “We don’t have to hide anything,” I added. “Sera will do what she wants to, regardless, and Simon will get over it. There isn’t anything in the employee handbook about dating co-workers so he can suck it.”

  “You’re right,” she said. “Simon won’t like it.”

  “He loves his high horse. He’s probably in there having a gallop right now.” My lips quirked, and Amber slapped me on the arm.

  “Idiot.”

  “Fuck,” I murmured, raking my gaze over her.

  Her lips took a downward turn. “What?”

  “I see more and more of you every day.”

  “And you want to hurl?” She rolled her eyes and tugged the strap of her bag from between her breasts. The same breasts I’d sucked on hours ago. “You sure saw more of me than you bargained for last night.”

  “You’re beautiful,” I said. “I meant you’re letting go of your armour. I can see you.”

  Her smile returned, and I was slightly taken aback by the feeling that coursed through my body at the sight of her happiness. I’d thought that part of me was long gone.

  “Say what’s on your mind,” I murmured. “I won’t be pissed. Promise.”

  “Can we…” She took a deep breath. “I want to keep you to myself for a while longer.”

  Damn, she had me wrapped around her little finger, and she didn’t even know it. Her wish was my command.

  “Okay,” I said. “I’m down with being selfish.”

  “I didn’t mean…”

  “Chill,” I said, brushing my fingers against hers. “No quickies at work. Cool. Though I’ll have to make up for it later.”

  “Lawson.” Her cheeks turned a sexy shade of crimson, and her teeth tugged at her bottom lip.

  I chuckled and pressed my security tag against the sensor beside the door. “Let’s go in.”

  I held the door open for her, and she slipped past me, giving me a face full of her perfume, some kind of flowery and vanilla thing.

  Parting ways, I watched her cross the gym and climb the stairs. Letting out my breath, I dumped my stuff in my locker in the men’s change room and changed into my uniform. By uniform, I meant a pair of shorts, trainers, and a Phoenix T-shirt.

  When I emerged, Simon was standing outside the door, his arms crossed over his chest, staring at m
e.

  I hated when he looked at me like that.

  “What?” I snapped, scowling at him.

  “You were wearing the same clothes as yesterday when you came in.”

  “Trust you to notice my clothes,” I muttered.

  “I saw you outside,” he declared.

  “Good for you.”

  “Is something going on with you and Amber?”

  It was an accusation, not a question, and my hackles rose.

  “We were just talking. So what?”

  “It didn’t look like ‘just talking.’ I’m worried you’re getting into this for the wrong reasons.”

  “I know she’s not Sadie,” I shot back. “I get that.”

  “Sadie’s gone, Lawson.”

  “I know!” I exclaimed. “I miss her every day. There’s not a minute that passes that I don’t feel guilty about what happened. How long am I supposed to feel like that, Simon?”

  He shrugged. “It’s not an exact science, but I’m worried. Amber is a good person, Lawson. She’s had a rough go of it, and she’s my star fucking employee. I care about her.”

  I scowled. Good to know my only mate had my fucking back. Even he looked at me and saw nothing but a screw up of epic proportions. Fuck the Midas touch. What was the equivalent for everything I touched turned to shit?

  “I don’t want to talk to you about this,” I said, barely holding onto my anger. “This is between Amber and me. No one else, just her and me. Got it?”

  Simon narrowed his eyes and nodded slightly. “I’ll be watching out for her. Just so you know.”

  Thinking about that guy over at Indigo, I curled my lip. Jealousy was a hard bitch. Now that I’d found Amber, I wanted her all for myself. Call me selfish, but I didn’t want to let her go.

  I turned my back on Simon and busied myself setting up for my first client of the day. Amber and I had gone through a lot of shit just to get to the point of realising we wanted to be together, so why was it still so fucking hard?

  I glanced over my shoulder and was relieved to see Simon had walked off. The last thing I needed was his judgment.