Torn: (#12 The Beat and The Pulse)

by Amity Cross

  I stared in the mirror and sighed. Behind me, the men’s change room was empty.

  Things had been good. I felt better than I had in forever, but I couldn’t stop the guilt from corroding my mind. In such a short space of time, Amber had come to mean the world to me, but…

  A figure appeared behind me, and I focused on the familiar and poisonous shape of Sera. I turned and prowled toward her, anger overriding my burgeoning guilt. She was like a bad fucking smell.

  It had been too good to be true. A few days all-in with Amber and here was Sera to fuck it all up, just as she’d promised.

  “How did you get in here?” I demanded. “Simon banned you.”

  “Like that’s going to stop me from getting what I want.” She pushed me against the wall and draped her body against mine.

  “Sera.”

  “Nice perfume,” she purred. “Amber’s?”

  “Do I have to get a fucking restraining order?”

  “All you need to do is fuck me, Lawson,” she replied.

  “You’ve lost it,” I said, shaking my head in disbelief.

  Sera smirked and shoved her hand down the front of my shorts. When her hand curled around my cock and squeezed, I gritted my teeth as my balls flared. It didn’t mean anything. It was just a chemical reaction.

  “Is that your cock I feel getting hard?” she asked, stroking my length. “Don’t you want to fuck me, Law? Remember how you used to thrust into me, your balls slapping against my arse, your come dripping out of my pussy? Do you fuck her bare, Law? You’ll never be as close to her as you were to me.” Her free hand pushed down my shorts, and my cock was out. “You’re hard. Wouldn’t it feel better to slide into my bare, wet cunt than to jack off into a condom?” She ground against me, her tits rubbing up and down, her thumb circling the tip of my cock. “Because I’m so wet for you, Law, so wet.”

  “Get off me,” I snapped, pushing her away.

  She stumbled back a step and looked down at my cock. My erect fucking cock.

  “Bitch,” I snarled. “You think you could make me cheat on Amber? You need help, Sera. Real, actual, professional help.”

  She laughed and rubbed her palms over her breasts. “Forget about me. You’re the one who got hard. You know what that tells me, Lawson? You still want me.”

  “Get the fuck out before I call the cops on your arse.”

  She took another look at my cock and licked her lips. “You’ll fuck me again, Law. It’s only a matter of time. Deep down, you want it.”

  “I don’t want you,” I exclaimed, pulling up my shorts. “I never wanted you, Sera. It was always Sadie. Always.”

  Her expression crumpled. “You piece of shit. You’ll regret this, Lawson.”

  “Yeah, tell it to someone who fucking cares.”

  Her lips twisted into a chilling smile, and she backed away. “You’ll get yours. You’ll see.”

  The moment she left the change room, I cursed under my breath. When would this madness end?

  With a growl of frustration, I stormed out of the change rooms after Sera. Someone needed to escort her psycho arse off the premises.

  17

  Amber

  Focusing was a skill beyond my control today.

  Every time I moved, I felt the ghost of Lawson’s touch radiating over my body. Over my breasts, throbbing through my thighs, and blooming between my legs. When I closed my eyes, all I wanted to do was fantasise about all the ways he’d had me last night. I’d come multiple times, and it felt like a miracle, especially when I took into account the number of times I’d been with a guy and been left unsatisfied by their selfishness. Lawson wasn’t like that at all. Lawson made sure I’d—

  “Ahem!”

  My eyes flew open, and I felt my cheeks turn scarlet as I saw Simon standing in front of me. I’d been daydreaming about Lawson’s cock in the middle of the gym. Lawson’s cock. I almost creamed myself on the spot.

  “What are you doing?” Simon asked, looking me over.

  “I’ve just finished showing around a new client,” I stated. “All before nine a.m. and they signed up.” I threw in a pout for good measure.

  “That’s great,” he drawled.

  “What?” I asked, starting to panic. Had I made a fatal mistake in my work because I’d been too busy dreaming about orgasms? How did I explain that? “Have I done something?”

  “You and Lawson,” he began, narrowing his eyes.

  “What about me and Lawson?” I squeaked, holding the clipboard with the new membership details against my chest like it was a shield.

  “You’re seeing each other, aren’t you?”

  “So?”

  “Amber, you should be careful.”

  “Why is everyone warning me away from him?” I asked, a scowl creeping onto my face. “I’ve talked with him. He’s told me about Sadie.”

  It was Simon’s turn to be surprised. “He has?”

  “Yeah. I don’t know why everyone is so against Lawson and me hanging out. All I see is a guy who’s been hurt by his past and is doing his best to overcome it. I know a little about that.”

  Simon eyed me with skepticism or pity—I didn’t know which.

  “You’re his friend, and you immediately jump to the worst conclusion?” I shook my head. “You could have cleared everything up by asking a simple question, but it’s straight to the worst conclusion for you.”

  “Amber”—Simon raked his hand through his hair—“if you know about Sadie, then you know it was rough for him. I’m just looking out for you. I didn’t mean to attack your judgment or anything.” He glanced across the gym, anywhere but into my eyes. “Look, Lawson…”

  “I get it,” I said. “He’s complicated, moody, and the list goes on. He needs someone to believe in him like he believes in me.”

  “Did he tell you how Sadie died?”

  “Simon.”

  He raised his eyebrows.

  “Yes, he did,” I snapped. “He told me a great deal.”

  “And you’re cool with it?”

  “It was a long time ago.”

  He sighed and nodded. “Two or so years by now.”

  “When is it the right time to move on from tragedy?” I mused, looking out across the gym. “Is it fair to move on at all?”

  Simon didn’t reply, so I looked back. He was smiling at me, his eyes sparkling.

  I shrank away slightly. “What?”

  “What happened to the shy, little office manager I hired?”

  “She learned how to fight, I suppose.”

  “Yeah,” he said with a chuckle. “I suppose.” He held out his hand. “Gimme that. I’ll fix it up. Have an easy day today.”

  I handed him the clipboard and frowned. “Why?”

  He shrugged and backed away. “You look tired.”

  My mouth fell open with a startled gasp, and he laughed all the way across the gym.

  As I shook my head, movement caught my eye. Sera emerged from the men’s change room. Sera. Sera in the men’s change room. Psycho Sera.

  My heart sank into my stomach as I watched her stalk across the gym and out the front door.

  What the hell was she doing here? How did she even get inside without a security tag? I took a step forward but hesitated when I saw Lawson follow her out.

  Instantly, I jumped to the worst possible conclusion. Hypocrite.

  I felt sick. I’d just defended him, and there he was, following psycho Sera out of the men’s change rooms. Was it just another one of Sera’s games? Was I overreacting? I was standing on unfamiliar and shaky ground.

  The more I thought about it, the more I realised Lawson hadn’t told me everything. He hadn’t mentioned how Sadie had… I couldn’t even say it. To think things had gotten so bad he’d been pushed out of his own life. I couldn’t even imagine.

  Lawson had implied Sera had driven Sadie to take extreme action, but he hadn’t actually said it. There was something else going on here. I understood that it was painful for him to talk
about, but I couldn’t help jumping to the conclusion that he’d just fucked Sera in the change rooms. Old habits died hard?

  I felt tears welling in my eyes, and I took a deep breath, the motion soothing the burn in my throat. Was Lawson in this? Was he really in? Because cheating was unforgivable. But were we together? He’d said he felt something for me, but we’d never spoken about being exclusive or anything. Ugh, I was overthinking again.

  I didn’t know where to go, so I went into the kitchen. Standing in front of the coffee machine, I stared at the controls, my entire body numb. There was an explanation. It might not be the one I wanted to hear, but there was one.

  “Hey, I’ve been looking for you.”

  I jumped and turned at the sound of Lawson’s voice. How long had I been staring? Long enough for the coffee in my cup to go lukewarm.

  “What are you up to tonight?” he asked, not noticing how tense I was.

  “I’m hanging out with Montana and Hudson tonight,” I replied. “I haven’t seen them in a while.”

  “Oh.”

  “We don’t have to be attached to one another, Lawson,” I added. “You can do other stuff. We haven’t exactly defined what we’re doing here.”

  “Defined it?” he asked, blinking.

  I didn’t want to talk about it. My old triggers were coming back to haunt me. Run, Amber. Run while you still can.

  “Do you want me to define it for you?” he added.

  “I promised Montana I’d catch up with her tonight,” I said, deflecting his question. “Maybe we can do something tomorrow.”

  Lawson frowned and looked me over. “Are you okay?”

  “Yeah, I just need…” I lifted up the mug and tossed the cold coffee into the sink. The ironic thing was I didn’t even like coffee. “I need caffeine. Like a whole bunch.”

  “Cool. As long as you’re sure you’re okay.”

  “Yeah, I’m wasted.”

  He smiled and rubbed my arm. “Tomorrow, then. I better give you a chance to work on your endurance.”

  My body tingled at the memory of our night together, and I threw imaginary cold water over it with the thought of Sera coming out of that change room. There was an explanation, and he’d warned me, but I wasn’t ready to face it yet. A part of me was waiting for the punch line.

  “Okay.” I pressed the button on the coffee machine and watched as the liquid poured from the nozzle and filled the cup.

  “Amber?”

  I looked up. “Yeah?”

  “Thanks for listening to me last night.”

  My heart began to crack, and I nodded. “You’re welcome.”

  Indigo was fast becoming a haven from the chaotic turn my world had taken in the last few days.

  “Uh-oh,” Montana said as I sat beside her at the bar. “I don’t like that look on your face.”

  “What look?” I pouted.

  “That look.”

  I slumped against the bar, letting out a dramatic moan.

  “Spill,” she demanded.

  “You better cooperate,” Hudson said, pulling a face. “It might get messy.”

  “Oh, shut up, you!” she exclaimed.

  Knowing I had no choice—Montana’s strong-arming technique would be showcased otherwise—I filled them in on everything that had been happening, how Sera had forced her sob story on me the other night, how I’d argued with Lawson about it, how I’d come over to see Hudson, then… Well, I left out the sex, but I explained everything else, skimming over Lawson’s relationship with Sadie. It wasn’t my place to go around slagging my mouth off about the poor woman. Finally, I added the cherry on top.

  “I saw Sera leaving the men’s change room, and then Lawson followed her out a minute later.”

  “Ugh!” Montana exclaimed. “Seriously?”

  “The guy is a player,” Hudson said with a scowl. “Hot one second, then the moment another pussy waves in his face, off he goes, dipping his wick. I should fucking know. I’m a guy.”

  Montana’s mouth fell open in disgust. “Ugh. Pig. To think I let you kiss me.”

  “You kissed him?” I asked.

  “No. He kissed me. There’s a difference.”

  “We’re talking about Amber here,” Hudson said, his forehead crease deepening.

  I buried my face in my hands. “I’m starting to miss my old life. This is all too much.”

  “Don’t say that!” Montana exclaimed. “You don’t want to go back to that mess. Spread your wings, remember?”

  “I knew I shouldn’t have let him leave with you last night,” Hudson declared.

  “I just… I don’t know how I got myself buried so deep. I can’t see a way out of it,” I said. “It’s all smoke and mirrors. Nobody is saying exactly what they mean. I feel like there’s something that I haven’t been told.” I combed my fingers through my hair. “Ugh. I’m going to the bathroom.”

  “Amber?” Montana asked, looking concerned.

  “I’ll be okay. I’ve just gotta puke.”

  “Do you want me to hold your hair?”

  “Thanks, but I’m kind of being sarcastic. I don’t think I really need to puke, but it’s a possibility.”

  She smiled and held up her phone. “If you do, I’m just a text away.”

  I waved her away and wove around the bar, slipping into the hallway leading to the bathrooms. The air was cooler here.

  “Amber?” Hudson had followed me.

  I turned and raised my eyebrows.

  “I’m worried,” he said.

  “I know. Aren’t we all?”

  “I mean, I’m really worried this guy is going to shatter you,” he murmured, moving closer as a woman passed by us in the tight hallway. “I care about you, Amber.”

  I blinked as he placed his hands on my arms. “Hudson…”

  “Amber, I— Shit, why is this so hard?” He swallowed and took a deep breath. “I like you, Amber. I really fucking like you. It kills me to see that Lawson guy screw you around. If you were with me, I would never hurt you.”

  I stared up at him in shock, blindsided by his admission. Hudson had feelings for me? Even with everything that was going on with Lawson, I couldn’t just walk away. The way he made me feel was incredible despite the rocky road we’d faced. Hudson was the greatest, but he was a friend. I so hadn’t been in this position before.

  What did I do? Hudson deserves your truth.

  “You know, a year ago, I would’ve been all over it, regardless of what I did or did not feel. I was so desperate to mean something to somebody that I would’ve taken anything.” I looked up at him. “But I can’t do that to you, Hudson. It’s not fair. It’s not right. You mean too much to me to mess up our friendship over false feelings. I care for you, just not like that.”

  “He’ll break your heart, Amber.”

  “Maybe you’re right, and I know you never will, but it wouldn’t be fair to you. You deserve to be loved, Hudson. Real, weak at the knees, consuming love.”

  “Yeah,” He sighed and ran his hand over his face.

  “Montana?”

  “Uh”—he squirmed, looking sheepish—“she was there, and I, uh...”

  I raised my eyebrows. “Hudson.”

  “It was just a kiss, nothing more.”

  “Is that an excuse I hear?”

  “I’m going to apologise,” he complained. “It’s just…hard.”

  “I know.”

  “Thanks for being so cool about it.” He scratched his head. “I feel like a complete knob.”

  “It’s okay,” I replied. “I’ve been there. Believe me. Don’t feel bad.”

  He sighed and looked me over with a sad smile that tugged at my heart.

  “What?” I murmured.

  “This is your moment, Amber,” he replied.

  “My moment?”

  “Yeah, the part of the story where you come into your true self and fucking own it. Congrats. You’ve found yourself.”

  I blinked, stunned by his words. “You think so
?”

  “Some people go their entire lives and never find where they’re hidden. You’re lucky.” He pulled me in for a hug and held me tightly. “You’re like the coolest chick ever. Smart, pretty, and compassionate to fools like me.”

  “Oh, shut up.” I laughed and playfully shoved him away.

  He smiled, then glanced back to the bar. “What are you going to do about Lawson?”

  I thought about it, and my head felt clearer than it had for a long time. So far, I’d been all talk. Now it was time to stand up and fight—for real this time.

  “I have to talk to him about it,” I replied. “It’s the only way I’m going to know the entire truth. I want to avoid it, but I can’t. I can’t do that anymore. I… I think…” I think I loved him.

  “If that’s where your heart lies, then you need to go.” Hudson rubbed his palm up and down my arm. “I won’t be going anywhere. If you need Montana or me, we’ve got your back.”

  I smiled, a warm and fuzzy feeling blooming in my heart. “Huddy, you’re going to make some woman very happy one day.”

  He groaned and rolled his eyes. “Please, no more Huddy.”

  “Okay… Huddy.”

  18

  Amber

  I strode out of Indigo on a mission.

  Taking my phone out of my bag, I pulled up Lawson’s number. Where would he be? I looked across the street at the Phoenix, and my heart picked up speed. This was crazy. I was crazy. I hoped to hell Lawson hadn’t had a gutfull of my erratic behaviour.

  It was past closing, but a row of lights was still on inside the gym. Putting my phone back in my bag, I crossed the street, checking for traffic as I went. Simon was never around at this time of night, but I knew Lawson sometimes stuck around when he was in one of his arsehole moods. After that awkward encounter in the kitchen, he was probably working out all the frustrations I’d given him with my crazy talk about defining shit. Good work, Amber.

  I unlocked the door, the keys shaking in my hands. Slipping inside, I made sure the lock caught behind me, then checked the alarm, but it wasn’t armed yet.