I want everything of you

by Deborah Fasola

  I would like to tell everything to my sister in law but I can not because now I keep it for the balls. And because my little nephew will be born.

  "It was only a mess, an error. She is..."

  So Talia, that is yet in front of me with bar eyes, sights and tells me something in low voice.

  "I'm his patient. He had me in cure for six month at the clinic, those in which i was locked up for attempting suicide. You know how yet, you saw it. And then i continued my teraphy in his study."

  "Did he see it?"

  Isaac seems upset when she reveals it; he talks with her but looks at me and Talia however doens't answer him because she wants to explain me the truth now.

  I'm shaking frommy head to the feet of a blind rage, that if not calm i fear the i will destroy everything.

  "I did it because... i killed my sister. One evening I ran away from home because there was a party and I really wanted to participate. Tony Bobs, the nicest boy in high school, would have been there and I wanted to kiss him for the first time. I wanted to make love with him for the first time. So I ran away from the window and when my parents noticed it, a mess happened. They called me and sent Lily, my older sister, to recover. As soon as she arrived she made me look terrible in front of all my friends, and when we got back in the car, I insisted to drive. I wanted at least to show that at sixteen I already had a license for everyone. I wanted them to see that I was going away as a winner anyway. We had a bad fight during the trip. I told her I had not drunk but in truth I was worse off than now that I turn around and I'm saying a lot of bullshit. We had a fight, had an accident and she died. I killed her, even though my parents made false papers to show that she was behind the wheel thanks to a paramedic friend of the family who came to the place, not to let me go to jail for manslaughter and driving in a state of intoxication, where I deserved to stay anyway.

  So one day I tried to balance the accounts with death and ended up in the mad hospital. At the clinic I met your brother whom I never imagined was really your brother, of course, but all that happened when I was out already happened. He was my stupid first time and... "

  "What?" Isaac interrupts her, he is really an idiot.

  However Talia ignores him, shakes her head and continues to hurt me speaking yet.

  "And it's happened after, when i was off to the clinic and i started to join his study. This is who i'm, Jax. What i'm... this is the reason why i hide and i keep away from the world. I'm so sorry" she is crying and my heart is gripped to see her like this.

  I'll hug her if it were not that she also disgust me.

  "Hey, but what is happened here inside?" Diana appears behind our shoulder and Talia's cry is becomed convulsive.

  "I'm so sorry, sorry all of you" she says louder, then she runs away and we stay firm to look at us until we hear the door slam.

  My sister in law has eyes off the orbits but that miserable of my brother has already reached and is apologizing in turn because he has not told the truth not to hurt me, but Talia is his patient and is sick.

  I could tell the whole truth and unmask him because he makes me disgusted, but I decide that chasing Koala is better, although I would just like to take the Jeep and go away from all of them.

  But Talia is fragile and I can not leave her alone in those conditions.

  I do not want to, though he hurt me tonight.

  But then I have a past too, and she's just been unlucky all along the line, can I blame her?

  Why does it hurt so badly? I go out of Isaac's house, and I only take the Jeep because I'm afraid it would take too long to get back on foot and get there.

  It 's night, I do not know where I went and I asked this damn car aMalik to look at the stars on the beach and not to chase it conquers fear inside.

  I climb on it, I start the bike and I really do a few meters before identifying it.

  My God, Tally, what an unhappy life you had...

  Accelerate so as to confirm the autopocus ahead of his walk and when he sees me he gets scammed.

  Yet it is the same beautiful, it is perfect.

  I jump out of the car and reach it. She becomes paralyzed.

  "Leave me alone", she says, becoming a submissive and eager for hard and distant forgiveness.

  She's disgusting right now, I know it because I've often been in the middle of lies.

  I would like to comfort you but I also want you to try it.

  She lied to me, hurt me and deserves to get sick.

  "Get in the car, I'll take you back to the campus and then you'll do that devil, you want to get away from me, but I have to take you there to leave you safe."

  I could hail Wiley, her friend, but I do not have her number.

  Perhaps I could however find it onMatt.

  We are one-sided to the other, yet she is distant; her gaze passes through me and it seems so lost to me that I'm afraid she will really get lost.

  Now that i know all she passed in her life, now that i know why she hurts herself, i understand and hateher both, but it's Isaac to have taken advantage of her and not the other way around.

  And i know very well this.

  My brother makes me vomit.

  "Come with me now, go."

  "Don't treat me like i was an idiot made by glass, Jax. I deserve yor hate, i hate myself too, bu i can't tell you too much to me. I don't know who he was. I don't know either that he is being to become dad."

  "It's natural, he is a liar."

  "I don't want to hurt you."

  "I only want to bring you back to the college."

  "Okay" she finally says, submissive.

  "Okay..." i turn, i giveher shoulder and i come towards the Jeep while a flame burns inside me and I struggle so hard to keep my calm as if I were shaken by the sobs of tears.

  Only I do not cry because I never do it.

  When Talia gets in the car and we leave, I feel the negative and destructive energy explode inside and I do not do that a few miles before suddenly steering the steering wheel and going back.

  Lestelle are witnesses of our little big drama and while she, who now no longer cries but the irresistible eyes puffy to mark her face, clings to the door not to be thrown on one side, I pigio the accelerator and run in the opposite direction .

  "Where are you going?" he asks me with a voice broken by sobs.

  "On the beach, i need to scream to the sea" she doesn't tell anything, she remains silent until the wheels of the jeep slip on the sand and we find the ocean in front, which is a shapeless black mass under a bright sky.

  I stagger from the car and move slowly.

  "Do not do it!" she screames to me and even if I do not understand what she refers to, I turn around and then I go in front of her.

  "I can not look you in the eye anymore, you do not know who you are" tragic, I vomit my hatred on her because I hate my brother and not her, but it's only with her that I can take this moment.

  Her eyes are liquid, alert, swollen and red and she looks more beautiful than the show of the impression that we have above the head, but I have to reject now, do not venerate.

  "You do not know who I am anymore? You never knew who I am... Until you know tonight, you know everything, you know what I did and others and you know what I did to you. You suck me, I understand it, I suck on my own, after all. "

  "No, damned, no! I don't suck you, God!" i grab her from the shoulder while i scream this word on her face, and i shake her barely, but not gently.

  I have to scare her because she bares her miserable eyes that are terrified but I do not want to stop, they are outside of me and inside her world, dirty with blood and what I would have ever wanted her to be.

  "You... me... you don't suck me, i want you!" i stumble with word, i tighten her, i grab her, i move her towards me, i kiss her with violence.

  I do not have the right to feel that way just because she had a story with my brother.

  She did not know who he was, she did not know who I was, she did not know about this ever-
living competition that makes my brain bleed.

  I kiss her with strength and obstinacy and I know I'm the second one to kiss her like that, and maybe the less original of the two.

  But she does not reject me as she did with Isaac.

  On the contrary, she kisses me with the same despair and the same pain that I feel, only that her maybe is a little bigger.

  Her hands immediately become more greedy than mine and strips me of what covers my chest. She pulls it away strongly and then touches the contours of my tattoo with his fingers, stopping only to put her fawn eyes in mine.

  She bites her lower lip and moans something, as if she showed me in every way, with every possible sense, her desire to belong to me.

  And, fuck, if she's mine.

  She belongs to me.

  It's nobody else's.

  Of. No. Other.

  I push her towards the jeep that has been left with the door open on her passenger side and I only have her back to the closed back.

  I kiss her with eyes closed, as I have never done before and when I open them to roll, even her eyes are closed.

  Her light and short dress is a delight for me, I touch the inside of her thighs and every sigh, I kiss her on the neck.

  Are we alone?

  I can not be sure but I continue to kiss her because I can not make it any more pleasant. Of her and this madness.

  I untie the shawl off and take it off.

  The cuts of her shame appear to me, so I grab an arm with my hand and bring it close to my face.

  I kiss the scar and then I follow the length with the tip of my tongue.

  A tear slides down her face and I take off her dress too: one shoulder strap, then the other and the dress slides down.

  She wears a white lace dress that threatens to send me out of my head, so, almost naked, exposed in front of my greedy eyes, she lets herself be captivated by madness.

  She catchs my look with her and then with her hands goes to undo the belt.

  I kiss her with enthusiasm, but realizing that by doing so I keep her from continuing, I move away from her and let her lower my trousers.

  She touches me lightly and risks coming to me in my underwear at her innocent and light touch.

  I know very well, however, that it is not all this way, she is not innocent, she fucked my brother, and the idea of the two of them together sends me out of my mind even more suddenly.

  They grind their teeth with rage, grab her by the neck and move it into the car. I make her stretch between the two extra seats and cover she with my body.

  Her body is hot and she welcomes me between her legs.

  I'm excited to die and full of anger to scary almost myself, but when i'm there, above her, the heart crouches on the empty side of her chest and I suddenly feel safe and full of love.

  I kiss her mouth, her neck, her breasts.

  Her small tense nipples sprout from the lace that I leave and let my tongue make them red and swollen with passion.

  My fingers enter her secret slot, her brushes brush against the bare point of my glans.

  When I decide we can not take it anymore, I get a condom from the pocket of the jeans I'm wearing, but rolled up on my ankles, and I'm wearing it.

  Fortunately, the Jeep is spacious but I imagine the horror of Talia that has the change under the back.

  As if she understood my thoughts, she smiles and I just raised above her I watch her.

  She's a crash, I even excite the signs on her arms, her follies.

  I grab her legs and pull her towards me, feeling hard as ever in my life, then I enter them inside, slowly.

  A slowness that lasts only a second because as soon as she is full and known as bars the eyes of pain or pleasure that it is, it takes the heat and returns the anger because she was not mine alone.

  "You're mine," I say, starting to pump.

  Her breasts move at every stroke and soon the mouth tries to taste them again.

  Talia moans, Talia comes.

  Many times.

  She squeezes my hair between her fingers, climbs me on the back and tries to give me pleasure, rides me and gets fucked as I wish.

  Pulling her hair back, I press and I do enjoy for tens of minutes.

  I do not reach the pinnacle of pleasure as easily as I would have imagined, it's too good to stop and get it over immediately.

  I did not know what it meant to fuck like that: trying something.

  I feel the heart shattering with each thrust, trembling from the need to kiss her swollen and red lips.

  I did not know what it meant to try something and it pisses me off because she was with Isaac and it is something that, even if it did not want to be a personal offense, I can not accept because I hate my brother since he abandoned us, when he abandoned dad.

  Anger pervades me in that sweet torture of bliss.

  She is mine, I love her but I do not want to see her anymore.

  I realize it after a while and only when I say it in my mind, I come out emptying horror, anger and love with a single long stream in her.

  I fall on her perfect body that I will never see again, that I will not do more and she caresses my temples.

  "I love you" she whispers in a broken voice with the pleasure still alive.

  But I become a dark demon at those words.

  I raise myself by leaning on the arms, I look at her haughty, I take off the condom and without respect I throw it away, there on the sand, full of love that I feel but I'm throwing it away at the same time and then, simply I dress again.

  "I'll take you back to campus," I tell her a moment later, cruel as only I can be when I'm hurt.

  Although it's not her fault.

  She gets up, gets dressed and then lets herself be taken to her destination without saying a word.

  I destroyed her, I know.

  I took everything and then made her understand that it was only a farewell gift.

  I know she wants to cry again but she does not.

  She's incredibly strong, even if she does not know.

  I'm throwing the opportunity to turn the page with the only girl who has ever awakened something inside me.

  We will not participate in the competition, but now that I can threaten Isaac, not even the one with the money I'm going to need anymore.

  I'm throwing away Talia e although this makes me very bad, I know I have to do it even if I do not understand the reasons, but my fury and my anger know why and this is enough for me.

  And it will be enough for me tomorrow.

  .28.

  Talia

  I. Listened. Everything.

  All the love. All the pain. All the anger, all the fault that i have and that are only mine, the fault that ruined me and i deserve.

  Now. I don't. Feel. Anything. More.

  Because Jax is gone away and he is brought with him that incredible night on the beach and i feel dead without him.

  Lily is in every corner of this room in which i stay now. The sister that i killed is here with me, that looks at me anger, that observs my scars, the visible sign of my shame, and she judges them, like she judges everything i did in this last time.

  I'm disappointing her again, but i can't recover anymore.

  Too much mistake braided their threads and hanger on them.

  Strayed.

  Faded.

  Like it was happened with her.

  Before that day, the day in which i tried to take my life away.

  I don't want to come back to be that person.

  The girl who takes a blade and has its arms cut so deeply to be sure not to make mistakes, the one that has been saved by mistake.

  I don't want to do mistakes anymore.

  The pain is already too much to be stand.

  Jax was my only good thing, the only who helps me to fly but at the same time the one who takes me on the ground, ancorated to this land that i don't want to leave instead.

  But now there isn't here with me,.

  I won't dance
with him at the competition this nigh.

  We trained for whole days for nothing.

  He won't smile to me again.

  I won't try to make love with him, i won't feel his kiss on my wounds, i won't feel him to cure my scars, even scars' soul.

  "You should stand up from that bed, Tally" Wil says to me once, that now she knows eveythin but she doesn't never judge me .

  It were a series of absurd and unlucky coincidencs, she said.

  I mormour to the umpteenth rebuke and i sigh under the covers as a shapeless heap that sweeps inside a bed.

  It hurts because i fall in love with Jaxon, i gave him all my secrets and now he is gone.

  On the contrary, he sent me away, that is worse.

  "Stand up and go get him back!"

  Wiley repeats what she tells to me since a lot of day: that i need to react and that she is sorry for me.

  I know very well this feeling, it's the same that others fell for me practically from all my life.

  "He hates me."

  "He doesn't hate you."

  "My behavior disappointed him."

  "Tally, go to him and stop. And ask him to dance this night."

  Maybe i will. "I can't."

  Wiley is quiet, which is really strange for her.

  A minute passes, two or maybe five, and she does not say a word anymore.

  As long as my blankets do not fly away, I see her towering over the bed.

  "Stop crying on you, Holy God! You made a mistake but you did not hait him, you did not disrespect him and he knows, he's just waiting for someone to show him that it's nobody's fault in this thing. captain, the hallucinatory combinations, too. It should be addressed to you, Tal, because the boy has done the best thing in the world for you.That no doctor, not even the most perverted, has ever managed to do, you admitted it yourself! "

  It's true.

  I open my eyes and I look at her first, then I stare at my bare arms scrubbing the sheets.

  It is such a rare sensation to be able to feel something different from the jersey of a shirt on the skin.

  I told every single person at Wiley the night that everything happened with Jaxon.

  I told her and she cried with me.

  Obviously she is the only one besides Jax who knows why out of here I still cover myself, but it's true what she says, Jax did something for me, she treated me and although she still did not heal me, she cheered up the pain and lightened my heart .