The Run Around

by Bernadette Franklin

“If you murder me with the jewelry box, you can’t visit my dog.”

  “You’re absolutely right. That’s a good point. You’re required to maintain my dog-visitation rights.”

  “Or you can invite me over to visit, and I would be inclined to bring my dog with me because she likes you and your dog. She even likes your cat.”

  “Annabel Lee is incapable of disliking anyone.” Cracking open the jewelry box, I peeked inside. On one side of the dark velvet pad within lay a wristwatch, but instead of the expensive kind I expected CEOs to wear, it was a digital one meant to be used with a phone. On the other side was a pair of wedding bands and an engagement ring with a dark blue stone, and the worn, engraved bands implied they carried the weight of age with them. Uncertain of what to think of that, I closed the box and handed it over. “It will not bite you, but it is a starter kit of a sort.”

  “Of a sort?” Rick took the box and opened it, and his brows shot up. “This goes beyond issuing hints. My parents are not long for this world, and my cousin has provided an excellent opportunity to drown them both.”

  “Okay, I’m obviously missing something.”

  Rick set the box on his lap and retrieved the wedding bands and engagement ring, setting them on his palm so I could get a better look at them. “These are about five hundred years old and count as family heirlooms. In my family, the heirlooms are given to the eldest son of the family when being given approval to wed. While not everybody has traditions like this, it’s been done in our family for, well, hundreds of years. My mother and father have such a pair of rings, although they never wear theirs and they were only used for the wedding ceremony. These rings are among the first. The stone isn’t diamond—I think it’s a sapphire. Anyway, the Romans came up with the whole idea of having wedding bands, and these were among the first ever used in my family. There are numerous sets of these in the family, but I like these ones the best,” he admitted.

  “Why?”

  “As far as I know, every couple with these rings ended up having a happy marriage. Perhaps not always the most prosperous marriage in terms of wealth, but they were happy despite the challenges. That said, they are somewhat of a double-edged sword, as many of the marriages did have rough spots.”

  “Something worth having is worth fighting for.”

  “That it is. So, it appears my cousin got together with my parents, leaving me a rather strong hint.”

  I pointed at the boxes of lingerie, the gift card for the adult boutique, the handcuffs, and the note. “I think they’ve gone beyond mere hints.”

  “It’s probably because I threatened to rain down hell on anyone who bothered you after we talked about how Aunt Carolina was driving you crazy. This is my fault.”

  “Or Mat told one of them that you’d spent the night at the hospital with me after I got smacked in the head with a baseball.”

  “Mat didn’t have to. I opened my fool mouth and told her myself when I’d suggested you be the wedding planner.”

  “So, let me see if I get this straight. Your entire family has been tormenting me about this wedding, and after the wedding goes off without any catastrophes, your cousin conspires with your parents to give you an engagement ring and wedding bands, which are priceless family heirlooms.”

  “That sounds about right. The whole tradition of marrying family friends to stop feuds is an old one, but it doesn’t exactly lead to happy marriages—well, some of the time. Some of the time it works out. But you’d count as an outsider to them, as you’re not exactly standard bride material in my family line.”

  “No kidding. I’m about as common as dirt, and you have a pedigree.”

  “Common as dirt is better than a pedigree to me. If I had wanted a pedigree, I would’ve been married off the day I turned eighteen in as ridiculously elaborate of a wedding as this one. So on that front, they’re right, as I’ve made it pretty clear I need more in a woman than the circumstances of her birth.”

  “I’d say I have pretty high standards for a man, but really, he needs to be nice and have a good dog.”

  “Interesting. How do I rank on the nice chart?”

  “You do a decent job. It takes a pretty nice guy to introduce a lady to ridiculous headlines during an equally ridiculous hospital stay.”

  “Well, next time, don’t catch a baseball with your head.”

  “I have learned my lesson. I will do my best to avoid catching a baseball with my head.”

  “And that leaves the issue of these rings and my nosy family. The instant they think I’ve opened this, they’re going to start getting into our business. Obviously, they deserve some form of punishment for their meddling.”

  “I have enough sausage and cheese to feed us both for a week. We could hide on the balcony and avoid the entire lot of them. Conveniently, we were provided with a gaming console, there is television in this room, and we have new books. We can hide. Hiding is always an option, Rick.”

  “Until it’s time to go snorkeling and my cousin comes barging in. And she will. She will get the crew to unlock the doors, and they’ll drag us out on the snorkeling trip. Then there’s the gala, and knowing her, she’ll find another pair of handcuffs and use them on us until we give her what she wants.”

  “Has anyone told you that your family is insane?”

  “Is it a good sort of insane this time?”

  I took that to mean he’d heard about his family’s possibly genetic-level insanity before. “It’s potentially sweet, assuming she has good intentions.”

  Rick narrowed his eyes. “I’m concerned Elizabeth asked Aunt Carolina to be a pain in the ass now.”

  “But why?”

  “Well, when Aunt Carolina isn’t being a jerk because she doesn’t like somebody, she’s usually a good judge of character, and your ability to handle her really would impress most of my family. I mean, she’s a walking disaster with a temper and a drive to get exactly what she wants when she wants it. You dealt with my entire family pulling that shit, and you handled them well. Honestly, I can’t even express how impressed I am with your ability to put up with them at their worst. They certainly weren’t giving you their best.”

  No, but when I thought about it, they may have been giving Rick their best. “Do they like you or hate you?”

  “I thought they liked me, but now I’m not so sure.”

  I pointed at the one of his gifts, which was a mid-sized box. “You need another present. It might be another starter kit of some sort, and honestly, I’m curious to see just how much they hate you. As they got you some nice presents when you boarded, they might not hate you completely.”

  “I am not responsible for what I find in this box.”

  “I would say the bride and groom are responsible for what’s in that box.”

  “That’s true, but after you received an entire human and his dog as a gift, I’m not sure I want to know what I’m going to get.”

  I giggled. “If you receive a gift of a human, does that mean the human belongs to me since you’re now my property?”

  “That’s a really good question. I’m not really sure how this works. Do you have full ownership, or do you only have partial ownership? Do you own me when I go to work or only after hours? I feel like we weren’t given adequate instructions on what to do about this situation.”

  “Maybe the box contains your instruction guide on what you do now that you’re my property.”

  Laughing, Rick opened the box, lifted one of the flaps, and peeked inside. He snorted and shook his head. “I don’t know which one of them came up with this, but I think they need a talk about reality.”

  “Now I really want to know what’s in that box.”

  Rick pried open the flaps, lifted the box, and turned it upside down. A cascade of foil-wrapped condoms spilled out and piled onto the floor. “Is this an instruction guide on what I should be doing now that I’m your property?” He gave the box a shake, and more condoms fell out.

  “There must be hundreds of them!”
I leaned over, picked one up, and giggled. “This one is banana flavored.” I set it aside and picked up a different one. “And this would be raspberry, and there’s a blueberry, and honestly, I’m not sure I really want to think about how much time someone spent taste-testing these before selling them.”

  Rich set aside the box and picked one up. “And for any adventures to take place in the dark, this one glows in the dark.”

  “I’m having a very difficult time imagining Elizabeth or Edward picking out every variant of condom type on the planet to give to you at their wedding.”

  “I bet Elizabeth ordered them online, opened all the boxes, and dumped them in. She would, too. That said, I doubt she would have expected me to come to your cabin and open them with you.”

  I pointed at the card that declared Rick was my property. “Are you sure? Because honestly, I could see myself visiting you after opening that.”

  “Well, I would hope so. It’s not every day you receive an entire human at someone’s wedding. Had I gotten that card, I definitely would have been paying you a visit to learn more.”

  “Maybe we should run away to one of those resorts wherever we’re snorkeling to escape the insanity. I’ll even leave her a note telling her I have claimed my property and left while I could.”

  “She’d be upset if you missed the gala.”

  Damn it. “I think that’s unfair. We went to the reception.” I pouted. “I even planned the gala. That said, the dress Juliette made for me is very pretty.”

  “I’m not sure what my cousin is thinking, but I’m man enough to admit I’m not man enough to use all of these condoms. Do condoms go bad?”

  “I have no idea. I can’t say this is a situation I’ve ever encountered before.”

  “Is it bad that I’m so used to my work that I feel an almost compulsive need to tally the condoms and figure out how long it would take to use them assuming I had a partner for such activities?”

  The accountant in me needed to know, and I abandoned my gifts to help him tally his new condom stash. “I’m sure there’s a proper mathematical formula, but we’re going to need some vital statistics on the performance of men and women to accurately determine how long it would take to go through them all.”

  “We better account for business trips resulting in separation, as those do happen, especially when the individuals in said partnering have their own careers.”

  I went to my luggage and dug out the pad of paper and pens I’d brought with me just in case. “On average, how often would you say a British lordling engages in sexual activity with his partner?”

  “The correct answer is obviously as often as possible.”

  I considered the pile of condoms and the potential perils they represented. “How often would you say a British lordling realistically engages in sexual activity with his partner?”

  “As often as possible still applies.”

  “And if you were to put a number to this figure, that realistically accounts for stamina, duration of sexual events, and time required for sleep, work, and other basic necessities?”

  “Not as often as a British lordling would like.”

  I laughed. “There’s so much disappointment packed into those little words. I will guess based on my schedule you are looking at a realistic two nights a week to indulge in any activities with your sexual partner, but I will give an allowance for enthusiasm, which suggests two incidents per available night, which becomes four condoms spent per week.”

  “This is sad. There should be at least one additional incident, which would bring the total up to five.”

  “Five seems like a reasonable number.” I began counting condoms, and to make it easier on myself, I grouped them in batches of five. “It seems Elizabeth and Edward have decided you needed a lifetime supply of condoms.”

  “Or they want me to be prepared for any and all types of duty my new owner might have for me.” Rick picked up one of the condoms. “There seem to be a lot of condoms marketing to women in here.”

  “How is a condom marketed to women?”

  “Ribbed, patterned, fruity flavors, and with coatings meant to stimulate her?” Rick showed me the various kinds of condoms. While there were some standard kinds, most of them had some sort of bell or whistle. “And she went for the best brands, too.”

  “You’re assuming this is from Elizabeth?”

  “Edward would believe a condom is a condom, and as long as it does the job, it is a good condom.”

  “Right. That’s not at all weird, Rick.”

  “Oh, it’s definitely weird. This is not a hint. This is a shouted announcement from the rooftops. I’m not sure how I’m going to get all of these off the ship without everyone knowing I have a major stockpile of condoms.”

  “Well, you were the one who told your family you were interested in a woman.”

  “This is true. I see I have made some critical errors in my general plan to get them to leave me alone.”

  I grinned. “Now is the time you come clean, Rick. Was there ever a woman, is said woman interested in you, and what will you do now?”

  “At the time I put this scheme together, I was hopeful there would be a woman, I have no idea, and I also have no idea, mainly because the woman I like might like my dog more than she likes me.”

  Well, I hadn’t been eliminated yet, although I liked Rick in a completely different fashion. I eyed the condoms, wondering how many a couple could burn through in a week alone on a cruise ship. “That’s a lot of women, Rick. Any woman with half a functioning brain cell is going to love your dog.”

  “Now that I think about it, you’re absolutely right. Oh, well. I can probably handle being second place to my dog. She is that cute.”

  “You’re sweet, you get along with my family, you can put my idiot brother in his place whenever you need to, and you have a cute dog. You’re a decent bachelor on the market, and I see a lot of benefits to having ownership of your entire person.” I counted out another set of five condoms, looking over the collection with a raised brow. “Maybe Elizabeth thinks you have exceptional endurance?”

  “She’d have no way of knowing, as I’m very private about my relationships, and there’s only been one prior that escalated to the point of needing condoms at all, but let’s just say that didn’t last long. She wanted more than I was willing to offer, and it didn’t take me long to figure out she was after my money more than she was after me. My businesses could crumble tomorrow, and I don’t want a woman who is only in it for the money.”

  “Well, you won’t have to worry about that with me. I only care that I have enough money to feed my glutton of a dog and a cat, pay my rent, and buy books. I’m a voracious book reader.”

  “I’m spoiled,” Rick admitted. “I’ve found that I do like spending more time at home than not, though. Fancy dinners and expensive vacations don’t make up for the more important things in life.”

  “In that, we’re agreed. I do like my few luxuries. My tub and fireplace are my favorites, but the heated floors come a close third. I don’t need things like fancy dinners, although I really am not a fan of going hungry.”

  “I’ve done that a time or two. After I moved abroad and started my company, I had a few tight stretches. I got through them, but it gave me some important perspectives on what it means to be short on money. I mean, my family has had fortunes come and go, but several of my uncles and my aunt are all pretty savvy when it comes to the stock market and general investments. Elizabeth might not look like it, but she’s got a good eye for investments and finances. She’s considering starting her own firm, but I figure she’ll wait a few years to see how things go with Edward, who is also into business.”

  “I figured someone in the family had to be good with money to afford this wedding. I handled most of the invoices on their behalf. This thing was terrifyingly expensive.”

  “I am very sorry they overlooked your initial pay. That was not my intention.”

  “I already told you tha
t I had been intending to do it for free. I didn’t even think about getting paid for the work. I am accepting her offer of an entire human, though. That’s a pretty good deal for me.” I allowed myself a smirk and lifted up one of the condoms. “The only reason I haven’t dated much before now is because men don’t often understand I actually care about my career.”

  “For the record, I do not have any intention of being one of those men who can’t stand the woman of the relationship being successful. The way I figure it, two successful people in a relationship means everyone wins.”

  “But do you like long soaks in a tub with a book?”

  “As a matter of fact, yes.”

  “Reading by the fireplace?”

  “One of my preferred hobbies.”

  “Pool?”

  “You’ll kick my ass, and I’ll accept my defeat with grace. I’ve seen the video of you playing. I will enjoy watching you slaughter your brother in future matches.”

  “He still thinks I’m a mediocre player, too.”

  “Reality is cruel, and I will enjoy watching him realize you’ve been playing him.”

  I grinned. “It will be pretty good, yeah.”

  “I feel I need to warn you I’m really not good at relationships. I’m oblivious half the time with my family and close friends, so if you want me to catch onto something, you’re going to have to be direct with me. I’ll do my best to be direct with you. I’m really bad at that, as I’m definitely one of those men who was brought up to never admit weakness or emotion.”

  “I thought you were upset with me over the wedding planning because we couldn’t bring our dogs, so I had convinced myself you hated me for a good two months,” I confessed.

  “To be honest, I had wondered if I’d done something wrong.”

  “You hadn’t. I’m just stupid.” I continued to separate condoms into piles of five, marveling at the insanity of so many condoms. “There’s literally hundreds in here. Hundreds of them! I had no idea you could fit so many condoms in a box that size.”

  “I’m amazed my cousin spent this much on condoms. Honestly, a standard package of condoms would have sent the same message.”