My Year of Saying No

by Morrey, Maxine

  ‘Did you see that new comedy has just come onto Netflix?’ I asked.

  ‘Oh yeah. I saw the email. Have you watched it yet?’

  ‘Nope,’ I said through a yawn.

  ‘Want to watch it later?’

  This was something we’d begun to do around six months or so ago. Watching the same thing at the same time, messaging comments to and fro while we watched. It was nice. Silly but fun. Like having company even though you were on your own – four pawed friends excepted.

  6

  Having now freed up some time thanks to my new saying no policy, I decided to go ahead with some things I actually did want to do. At the time, this had seemed like a good idea. Peeking into the room now, I wasn’t so sure.

  ‘Ooh, are you here for dance classes too?’ A vivacious looking woman with Hollywood curves and a mass of auburn curls which she’d piled messily, but sexily, on top of her head kind of ushered me in the door along with her and I lost my last chance of scooting out of there before anyone noticed.

  ‘There you are!’ Jess rushed forward, Harry being propelled along behind as he held onto her hand. I don’t think Harry had been entirely prepared for the amount of energy my friend kept balled up inside her at any given moment, but he seemed to be coping admirably and, from the look on his face, thoroughly enjoying it.

  ‘Here I am,’ I replied, attempting to inject the same level of enthusiasm, but feeling like I somehow fell short. Hopefully no one else noticed.

  ‘What’s the matter?’ Jess asked, not fooled in the slightest. ‘I thought you wanted to do this? It was your idea, remember?’ she said, softly.

  ‘Yeah. I know,’ I smiled, trying not to be put off by the fact that everyone around the room already seemed to have partnered up. ‘I’m just not sure it was one of my better ones.’

  ‘Oh, nonsense,’ Jess said. ‘You’ve wanted to learn to dance for years. I’m thrilled you’re finally doing something about it. I can’t believe I didn’t think about putting this on the list for last year.’

  ‘I’m glad you didn’t. I barely survived as it was.’

  ‘Oh, pffft,’ Jess batted me on the arm. ‘You loved it.’

  I stared at her for a moment.

  ‘OK. Maybe not loved it exactly.’

  ‘Definitely not.’

  ‘But you did it!’

  ‘Because I love you. No other reason.’

  ‘And I love you! Which is why we’re here now.’

  I returned her hug. I wasn’t entirely convinced that was the only reason Jess and Harry were here now, although it was a good start. Jess had always loved the drama of Latin dance and had toyed with doing something about learning on and off for years, but she was always too busy doing something else. But when I’d mentioned I’d found some classes and had signed up, Jess’ enthusiasm was fired again. Even more so when Harry agreed to come with her and learn so that they could dance together.

  I was thrilled he was so supportive and up for doing it, I really was. But I couldn’t help feeling like a large, green, slightly fuzzy piece of fruit as I stood next to them and they practised gazing meaningfully deep into each other’s eyes.

  In my pocket, my phone buzzed. I pulled it out and saw the light flashing. Pressing the messages, one from Seb showed unread. I glanced up, but it didn’t seem like we were starting, so I quickly opened it.

  Just to say hope it goes well tonight. Enjoy yourself!

  I replied.

  Just got here. Can we all say ‘gooseberry’?

  I added a fruit emoji, that might have been a gooseberry, for extra emphasis.

  The message showed read almost immediately and the words ‘typing’ appeared at the top of the screen.

  Don’t worry about it. You won’t be the only one not paired up already. Just remember to enjoy it

  Easy for you to say

  Want me to zoom down? You might have to stall them for a bit, but I still have contacts. I’m sure I can rustle up a helicopter from somewhere

  Would you? That’d be great

  He sent a laughing emoji before following it up.

  At least I can’t be accused of being a cliché and having two left feet

  He added a wink.

  I sent him a rolling eyes one back in response.

  I’m pretty sure you’d still be better than me

  The fact that Seb could now make light of the devastating injury that had ended his career and upended his life was something I truly admired about him. It illustrated to him, and others, just how far he had come. As our business relationship began to merge into friendship, we’d opened up about ourselves more. His bio for the charity stated that he’d lost his lower right leg on deployment in Afghanistan when the vehicle he’d been travelling in had hit an IED, but I knew I’d never be able to understand all the things that had crashed through his mind at that moment, as the dust began to clear and reality, in all its horrific colour, dawned. He’d lost a good friend and his own life had changed for ever – all in one split second. For a while it had beaten him, become bigger than him – but then he’d begun to fight back and had truly won.

  I doubt that

  Get your arse down here, and I’ll prove it

  The voluptuous redhead who’d propelled me through the doors earlier clapped her hands.

  ‘Hello, hello, darling members of my new class! Are you ready to begin to learn the dances of love?’ She gave a sensuous sway. My stomach was currently performing a similar movement, but it most definitely wasn’t sensuous.

  Oh god. It’s starting. Have to go

  He replied quickly with a phone emoticon and I got the message.

  Seb was right. I wasn’t the only one who hadn’t paired up. Thankfully, there was Mario.

  ‘Thank god for you!’ he said, laughter in his eyes as he took the stance Beth, our instructor, was currently demonstrating with Harry. ‘I thought I was going to be twirling around on my own!’

  I grinned back. ‘I know the feeling.’

  Mario leant his head closer. ‘I think this is going to be a lot of fun.’ His dark eyebrows wriggled above mischievous eyes.

  I grinned. He might just be right.

  An hour later and I wasn’t sure I’d got any of the moves right, but I’d certainly laughed more than I had in ages. Mario was the perfect dance partner, with a wicked sense of humour and an even more wicked eye for mimicry.

  One couple were clearly in the wrong class as they already seemed to have a pretty good grasp of everything and swanned around the room, serious expressions on their faces, as they absorbed the music and concentrated on their moves. Even Beth mentioned they might be better suited to her later class which was more advanced. At this they showed surprise and humility, the woman’s impressively long false eyelashes fluttering madly as she waved away the suggestion.

  ‘Oh, please,’ Mario whispered under his breath so that it was audible only to me.

  I looked round. He stepped closer.

  ‘They know exactly what they’re doing. I’ve been at classes like this before. People who know they’re pretty good still go so they can show off just how wonderful they are to others who are trying to learn. They don’t want to move on because, suddenly, they won’t be the best any more. Here they’re guaranteed to be noticed and watched. In the next class, they won’t be anything special.’

  ‘Maybe they really don’t think they’re good enough?’ I whispered back.

  Mario raised one eyebrow, then cupped the side of my face. ‘Poor, innocent baby.’

  I gave a stifled snort of laughter and batted his hand away.

  Across the room, Beth flashed us a look and I stepped back behind Mario, trying to hide my sudden onset of giggles.

  Jess caught my eye and grinned as she mouthed ‘What?’ to me.

  I shook my head and did my best to focus my attention on what the instructor was now saying.

  ‘You are a very bad influence!’ I prodded Mario in the chest as the class ended with us all stood in a circl
e, giving ourselves a big round of applause. I clapped a couple of times before dropping my hands. Americans were very good at this sort of thing, but I always felt awkward and terribly British whenever I tried it.

  ‘I am always a very good influence!’ Mario protested, shocked, his dark eyes still twinkling with amusement.

  ‘I find that hard to believe.’

  ‘Me too!’ Jess added, laughing as she put her arms into the coat Harry was holding out for her. ‘This is the girl that never got in trouble at school. And you got her glares from the teacher in her first lesson.’

  ‘It sounds like she has some catching up to do, then!’ Mario laughed.

  ‘No!’ I bumped him. ‘You have to behave. I want to learn.’

  Mario gave a dramatic roll of his head. ‘Fiiiiiiine,’ he replied, before holding the door open so that we could all head down the stairs and out into the street.

  ‘Thank you. Although I am glad you got partnered with me.’

  ‘Me too.’ He winked and gave me a squeeze before glancing up at a man walking towards us. He had his head down against the biting wind that had been whipping around all day, a knitted hat pulled low to his brow and a heavy wool pea coat wrapped around him. As he got closer, he lifted his head and caught Mario’s eye. A bright smile suddenly creased the previously serious features.

  ‘How was it?’ he asked as he approached, his arm sliding around Mario’s shoulder.

  ‘Perfetto!’

  ‘You managed to find someone to partner you then?’

  ‘What, you mean as you refuse to?’ Mario flashed, teasingly.

  ‘Yep,’ the man replied with no hint of regret.

  Mario gave an eye roll and began the introductions. Andy, it seemed, wasn’t a dancing man, preferring the quiet and books to the noisy atmosphere of salsa clubs, but was more than happy for his partner to follow his interest.

  ‘Doesn’t that make it difficult?’ I asked, chatting with Andy as we sat in the small bar we’d all drifted to after the lesson. Still buzzing, none of us, apart from perhaps Andy, were ready to go home yet, but even he seemed happy to sit and talk. ‘I mean, if you have such different interests?’

  ‘No, we make it work. We give and take. And sometimes it’s good to do things separately. You have things to share and talk about. I like to paint, but the thought of sitting still that long would, as I’m sure you’ve already gathered, send Mario into a frenzy. So, I go to painting class and now he comes here and learns to dance.’

  ‘That’s nice.’

  ‘It is,’ Andy agreed, smiling as he sipped his drink. ‘And what about you?’

  ‘What about me?’

  ‘No one to learn this with, or do you have someone like me, who is desperately avoiding it?’

  ‘The former. Well, there’s Humphrey, but I don’t think he’d be up for it either.’

  ‘And Humphrey is?’

  ‘My dog.’

  Andy grinned. ‘What type?’

  ‘All sorts.’ I quickly brought up a photo of my fuzzy pup and showed him.

  He took the phone. ‘Oh, he’s so gorgeous! And what a great name!’

  ‘See? That’s what I think,’ I said, accepting the phone back, ‘but my friend, Seb, gives me grief about it all the time.’

  ‘And who’s Seb?’

  ‘Seb is the man who’s perfect for her!’ Jess interjected as she swung herself onto the seat next to us.

  ‘Ignore her. Seb is just a good friend.’

  ‘More than that.’

  ‘He is not.’

  ‘So why isn’t he here?’

  ‘One, we’re just friends.’

  ‘He could still learn.’

  ‘Fair enough. And he probably would give it a go.’

  ‘Really?’ Jess asked, a hint of surprise in her voice and I knew why.

  ‘Yes. He doesn’t let his injury stop him trying anything.’

  ‘So why isn’t he here?’ Andy asked again.

  ‘He lives miles away.’

  ‘No distance is too much for love,’ Jess swooned.

  ‘Oh, for goodness’ sake. All that Latin music and those last two cocktails have addled your brain.’ I slurped up the last of my own mocktail, twirling its tiny paper umbrella as I did so.

  ‘Not at all. I’m the one who sees things clearly now.’

  ‘No, you are the one in gushy, romantic love and it colours everything you see,’ I said, gently.

  ‘I think you’d be surprised.’

  ‘I would.’

  Andy gave me a grin as, on the bar, my phone began to ring. Seb’s picture showed on the screen.

  ‘My, my! Who’s that?’ asked Mario as he and Harry joined our conversation, peering over Andy’s shoulder at the phone.

  ‘That’s Seb!’ Jess pointed, excitedly, almost bouncing in her seat. ‘See, I told you?’

  I juggled the phone and quickly answered, trying to angle myself in a way that would prevent everyone seeing Seb’s ridiculously good looking face smile slightly crookedly from my phone screen. ‘Hi, I’m just in the middle of something. Can I call you back in a bit?’

  ‘Sure.’ He paused for a beat and I saw his eyes take in the background. ‘Oh sorry, I didn’t realise you were going out after the class.’

  ‘No. I didn’t know I was. Kind of a last minute thing with some others from the class.’

  At this, the other four crowded round me and waved at the screen. Seb gave an unsure wave back as I rolled my eyes and wriggled away to a quieter spot.

  ‘Oh, right. OK. Great. That’s good. Looks like you enjoyed it.’

  ‘I did, thanks.’

  ‘OK, Well, I’ll let you get back to it. Have a nice evening and we’ll catch up tomorrow or something.’

  I glanced at my watch. ‘Oh my god, is that the time?’

  ‘Yeah. I was… just a bit worried about you.’

  ‘Sorry. I know I said I’d call.’

  ‘It’s fine. I’m happy you’re OK and having fun. I’ll let you get back to your friends. Take care.’

  ‘Bye, Seb.’

  And he was gone. Turning back to the bar, four faces were watching me.

  ‘Oh, for goodness’ sake! We’re just friends!’ I laughed, exasperation in my words.

  Mario gave me a look. ‘Sweetheart,’ he said, his Italian accent infusing the word with meaning. ‘Friends is great. We are friends now. It is wonderful! But—’ he took my phone from me and tapped at a couple of things on the screen before turning it back towards me. Seb’s picture was back up on the screen, along with his contact details. ‘If he looks like this, is straight, solvent and single, then you reaaaaally need to do something about the whole “just friends” thing!’

  ‘Here, here!’ Jess added, raising her glass.

  ‘Oh… shush!’ I said, grabbing my phone back and shoving it in my bag. ‘I’m more than happy just as I am, and so is he. I’m not about to go ruining it.’

  Mario crossed his arms and shook his head at me.

  I looked to Andy for support.

  ‘Sorry, kid. I’m kind of with them.’

  I tipped my head back on my shoulders for a moment and let out a sigh. ‘Ugh, Andy! I was relying on you for sensible back-up!’

  He let that unexpected smile loose again and shrugged.

  Shortly after, we gathered our coats and headed back out into the sharp wintry night air. There were, as always from the newspapers, rumours of blizzards, but the sky was clear and, away from the street lights, pinpricks of bright starlight shimmered in the blackness. We shared hugs and number exchanges with Mario and Andy, before Jess, Harry and I walked to the car park where we’d left our cars. After more hugs, we got in our respective vehicles, and Harry, who’d also been relegated to mocktails this evening, pulled away quickly, the tail lights of his Jag soon disappearing into the stream of cars along the road before turning off.

  My breath steamed in the cold air and I rubbed my hands together quickly after putting them briefly on the freezing steering
wheel, ruing the fact I’d left my leather gloves in my other coat. I gritted my teeth and laid my hands back on the wheel, turning the key as I did so. Nothing. No! Not now!

  7

  ‘Come on, little car, please! I’m freezing! Please start. Please, please, please. I’ve taken you to the garage and they’ve said you’re fine, so please just let me get home and warm up!’

  I tried again. Nothing.

  One more time. This time, the engine started quietly and ran smoothly. No drama, no fuss. This was the pattern and had been for months. Of course, every time I took it to the garage, the problem never showed itself and I ended paying to take my car back, knowing something was lurking. I’d now given up on trying to get it fixed and had begun looking around at replacing the car instead. It had served me well, but I’d had a lot of years out of it and moments like tonight were not great for my peace of mind. I needed a car I could just get in and not worry about. Add it to the to-do list.

  The rest of the journey home was, thankfully, drama free and I scooped up Humph as I came through the door and snuggled him against me, absorbing his joy at my return, as well some of his warmth. Changing into my jammies and big cuddly dressing gown, I then headed back into the kitchen to make a hot drink to try and warm up from the inside.

  I snuggled into my favourite spot on the sofa, and Humphrey clambered up and over me, before flopping down on my lap. The TV was on low and I flicked aimlessly for a moment before glancing over at my phone. I felt bad that I’d forgotten to call Seb earlier and unintentionally worried him. When we’d talked in the past, he admitted that he knew he could be overprotective about people. He’d always been that way to an extent, but his deployment had sent ripples throughout his life, and although he’d dealt with a lot, and dealt with it brilliantly, it was naive to think that such an experience wouldn’t change a person. I snagged the phone and rested my hand on Humphrey’s sleeping back. Opening up the chat thread, I typed a message.