My Year of Saying No

by Morrey, Maxine

  Hi. Sorry I worried you earlier. Hope you had a good evening

  The message showed delivered but remained unread by the time I went to bed shortly after. It was pretty late, so I wasn’t surprised, but something inside me felt a little strange that we hadn’t said goodnight. It was a habit we’d fallen into quite a while ago now and it had stuck. I’d expected that to be the first thing to go when Seb had dates, but it didn’t. He always said hi, checked I was doing OK and always said goodnight. Until tonight.

  I shook it out of my mind. He probably assumed that our brief call earlier served the same purpose, which it may well have done.

  * * *

  The following morning was Saturday and I had plans to meet my parents for a food fayre in one of their local villages. Humphrey was even allowed to come, although I wasn’t sure how fair it was to subject his nose to all those delicious smells and then him not be allowed anything. I dipped my hand back into the treat jar on the kitchen counter and added a couple more to my pocket, before grabbing his travel rug, a portion of dog food, and a couple of toys, as well as his lead and my handbag.

  ‘You ready to see Nanny and Popsy?’ I asked.

  By his circular dance of delight, I guessed the answer was yes.

  ‘Come on, then. Assuming the car starts, of course,’ I muttered to myself.

  Humphrey’s ears twitched, catching my tone and his fuzzy head tilted at me in question.

  ‘It’ll be fine. Come on.’ And we headed out, round the building towards the car park.

  * * *

  ‘Hello, darling!’ Mum threw her arms wide and hugged me like she hadn’t seen me in months. I’d popped round in the week, but I still loved that she did this every time. My older sister travelled a lot in her capacity as first-class cabin crew for British Airways and I knew she got the same greeting whether she’d been away for weeks to some far-flung destination or had been round the previous day.

  Humphrey rubbed his body against Mum’s legs and Dad, approaching from the kitchen, laughed, scooping him up in one large hand and plopping him against his broad chest.

  ‘Feeling a bit left out, are you?’ he asked as Humphrey wriggled in pleasure and snuggled himself against Dad’s cashmere jumper.

  ‘Don’t ever let Sally see you cuddling him in that jumper she bought you? She’ll go up the wall.’ I pulled a face as I gave him a hug, temporarily pinning my dog between us.

  Dad put a finger to his lips. ‘Our secret.’

  I loved my sister, but my idea of casual and hers were two completely different things. She didn’t exactly object to Humphrey, but he had to stay in the kitchen if we visited her place, which, as we generally sat elsewhere, I and he hated. It felt like he was being punished for something he hadn’t done, so, now, if I visited, I’d either leave him at home, or drop him off at my parents’ place for a bit. In lieu of any grandchildren, they were always thrilled to have their granddog to visit. They’d ummed and ahhed over the years about getting a dog themselves, but they did quite often like to drop everything and go and do something, which, thanks to Sally, sometimes involved little trips abroad. A dog wouldn’t really work with that lifestyle, so they stuck to what they knew and just enjoyed Humphrey’s visits.

  ‘What have you been up to then, love?’ Dad asked, as he tucked my arm into his, my other one was holding Humph’s lead, his toenails tapping on the pavement as we began our walk into the next village and the food fayre.

  ‘Well, last night I went dancing.’

  ‘Did you, darling?’ Mum leaned across from the other side of Dad. ‘What, at a club?’

  ‘No. Those lessons I was saying about.’

  ‘The lessons you’ve been talking about for years?’

  I wobbled my head. ‘Yes, all right. I took a long run-up.’

  Dad grinned and gave my arm a little squeeze. ‘So, how was it?’

  ‘Good. Jess and Harry have started too.’

  ‘Oh, that’s nice.’ I could hear the bright tone in Mum’s voice and knew there was something else. ‘Did you go with someone else too?’

  ‘Nope. Just me.’

  ‘So, who did you dance with?’ Dad asked.

  ‘I danced with the delightful Mario.’

  Mum’s head popped back around dad again. ‘Mario?’

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘And?’

  ‘And what?’

  Mum gave me a look. ‘I might be old, but I’m not daft. Spill.’

  The hot breath from my laughter billowed into cooling clouds in front of me as I replied. ‘There’s nothing to spill.’

  ‘He’s called Mario. Of course there is!’

  Dad tilted his head towards me. ‘She’s always had a thing for Italian men.’

  ‘I have not!’ Mum gave him a little push.

  Dad slid his eyes to me and waggled his brows.

  ‘OK, what do you want to know? Remember I only met him last night though.’

  ‘So, what do you know about him?’

  I gave a shrug. ‘He loves to dance, he came over from Italy six years ago, works in graphic design, is very astute when it comes to people and has a wicked sense of humour.’

  ‘Is he good looking?’

  ‘Yep. Very. Tall, dark, Italian. The whole caboodle.’

  ‘And?’

  ‘And what?’ I tried to ignore the hopeful look on Mum’s face.

  ‘Are you seeing him again?’

  ‘Yep. Next week at class.’

  ‘Not before.’

  ‘No.’

  ‘Why not? It sounds like you got on well.’

  ‘We did. But he’s my dance partner. That’s all.’

  ‘Darling, I know you’re happy with Humphrey, but I don’t want you to think that just because some things haven’t worked out, that there isn’t hope.’

  I caught Dad’s eyes and rolled my own. ‘I don’t think that, Mum.’

  ‘Good. Good. So, you like this Mario?’

  ‘Yes. He’s very nice. We went out after class to a bar for a drink.’

  ‘You did?’

  ‘Yes. Me and Mario and Jess and Harry. And Andy.’ Time to put Mum out of her misery. Or plunge her into it. Either way, it had to be done.

  ‘Andy? Was he from dancing too?’

  ‘No. Andy is Mario’s partner.’

  Dad snorted a laugh which he expertly morphed into a cough. Mum absentmindedly patted him on the back.

  ‘Thanks,’ he mumbled, keeping his eyes diverted from mine. We were the big gigglers in our family. Sally and Mum had a level of control Dad and I had entirely missed out on. We both knew that if he looked at me now, it was over.

  ‘Partner?’

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘As in… boyfriend.’

  ‘Yep.’

  ‘Oh. Well. That’s nice. And what was he like?’ Mum said, trying to recover from the disappointment.

  ‘Really lovely, actually. Much quieter than Mario, but they fit well together.’

  ‘Good. Good. Well, it’s nice that you have someone you like at the class. I imagine Jess and Harry are quite tied up with each other. I just didn’t want you being left out.’

  ‘I wasn’t left out, Mum. It was fine. Also, talking of Jess and Harry, they’re having an engagement party at some point. I don’t know when, but Jess said to let you know there’ll be an invitation wending its way to you.’

  ‘Oh, how sweet. Will that be in London?’

  I shrugged. ‘I literally know as much as you do at the moment. But yes, I expect so.’

  ‘And how’s work?’ Dad asked, and I gave his arm a little squeeze, thanking him for the swerve in conversational direction.

  ‘Good, thanks. Been really busy with a new client and Seb’s charity is having a big gala thing later in the year, so I’m getting involved in the organisation of that, which is quite full on.’

  ‘You’re not doing too much, are you, love?’

  ‘No, Mum. It’s all fine. I’m enjoying it.’

  ‘And Seb is the veter
ans’ charity chap, right?’

  ‘That’s him.’

  ‘He all right? I know you said you’re quite friendly now.’ As this came from Dad, I knew there was no hidden depth to the question.

  ‘Yes. Busy.’ I assumed he was anyway, as there was still nothing to show he’d read my message from last night when I looked earlier, which was pretty unusual. And he always sent me a hi in the morning. Except that today he hadn’t.

  I pulled out my phone and glanced at it. Nothing.

  ‘Talking of busy…’ The fayre was packed, the bright crisp day combined with the artisan offerings having enticed people out of doors. Dad bent and picked up the dog, manoeuvring him into a comfy position for both of them. ‘We don’t want you getting trodden on down there, do we, little man?’

  I smiled at them both. I loved that my big bear of a dad had such a soft side and, by the looks of things, so did Humph, who was now surveying the scene from this new, elevated position.

  ‘Ooh, these look good!’ Mum said, grabbing my hand and plunging us into the foody fray.

  * * *

  The trouble with these foody events is that you end up eating far, far too much. The sun had long set and I was sat sprawled on one of the sofas in the beamed living room of their cottage, while Mum and Dad sat opposite. Dad’s feet were up on the pouffe cum coffee table thing and his head was back, as he snored softly. Dinner had been large and delicious and I was having trouble keeping awake myself.

  ‘You can always stay here, darling. You know there’s room. I know it’s not far, but it seems silly to go home if you’re coming back for Sunday roast tomorrow.’ Mum looked at me for a moment. ‘You are coming, aren’t you? Sally’s mentioned that she might be bringing someone with her.’

  ‘Wouldn’t it be helpful for you to know whether she is or isn’t?’

  Mum waved away the query. ‘You know I always cook too much. I didn’t like to ask too many questions as she hasn’t been able to make it for a while, what with her shifts and hectic social life.’

  As opposed to my very much not hectic social life which found me quite often around at my parents’ place for Sunday lunch.

  ‘What’s this one then?’ My sister’s standards in her housekeeping and dress extended to her men. They were always, and without exception, groomed to within an inch of their lives, dressed expensively, and never earned less than six figures.

  ‘Oh, I don’t know. Something in the City, I think. Or is this one the pilot?’

  Dad stretched as he roused himself from his nap and Mum looked at him for help, but he just shrugged.

  ‘Best behaviour then? Better not show her up,’ I said, straightening myself up and standing ramrod straight. I saw Dad grin and give me a wink.

  ‘Come on, Lottie. You know she doesn’t think that about you… us.’

  I was less convinced, and if I was honest, I wasn’t sure Mum was entirely sure of this fact either. Sally had always been ambitious and loved her glamorous lifestyle of jetting across the world, staying in top hotels, and meeting the rich and famous through the first-class cabin status she’d worked her way up to. I wasn’t sure it was all that glamorous – at least not all the time. In the odd unguarded moment, Sally had mentioned that not everyone who travelled first class had first-class manners. As much as she loved her job, and had dealt with enough tricky customers over the years for it to be accepted that this sort of thing was all part of it, I think it did tend to take the lustre off things sometimes. But those moments of weakness were few and far between with my sister. She looked perfect, acted that way and wanted everyone to think that’s what she was.

  If I really thought she was unhappy, I’d have been more worried, but I knew she really did love her job and socialising. The men she met weren’t ones that appealed to me, but then she and I had always been quite different, in everything from our looks to our ambition. Sally was the blonde haired (admittedly via a very expensive regular appointment at a top London stylist), blue eyed, slim, toned epitome of style and elegance. I’d kept my brunette tones, but we had the same eyes. I was less slim and less toned, although more so since I’d got Humphrey and our long daily walks had become part of my routine. As for the style and elegance, that was most definitely weighted in Sally’s favour. Her nightwear was silk. Mine was fleecy with sloths printed on it.

  ‘Thanks, Mum, but I’ve got some things I want to get done in the morning tomorrow, so I’d better go.’

  ‘Only if you’re sure.’

  ‘Yes. But thanks. And thanks for today. It was lovely.’

  She gave me a smile and nodded.

  ‘I’m sorry if I go on,’ Mum said as she hugged me goodbye. Dad was loading Humphrey and all his gubbins into the car for me, along with the food I’d got at the fayre earlier.

  ‘What are you talking about?’

  ‘You. Mario. You know. Dad says I go on a bit sometimes.’

  ‘Oh, Mum. Don’t worry about it. I know you mean well, and I’m fine.’

  ‘I just worry about you, especially now Jess has moved away and in with Harry.’

  ‘We still see each other.’

  ‘I know, I know. You’re good friends, and I hope you always will be. I suppose… I just want that happiness for you too.’

  ‘So do I, Mum. But it happened for Jess when she was least expecting it, and that’s probably the best way.’

  ‘I suppose. I just hate to think you might be lonely.’

  I shook my head. ‘I’m really not. I promise.’ And it was true. I wasn’t. That didn’t mean I would say no to meeting the right guy, but I’d also met quite a few wrong guys in the past year and I’d had more than enough of that. I had my business, my dog and my friends. Not to mention my family, and it was all good. I knew I’d have a hard time entirely convincing my mum of that, but hopefully Dad would be able to do a better job than me.

  ‘Tell Mum I’m fine, will you?’

  Dad nodded against me and gave me a squeeze. ‘Let us know when you’re in.’

  ‘Will do,’ I called, crossing my fingers and turning the key. The engine came to life and I gave a wave and turned the little car towards home.

  Back in my flat, I unloaded everything I’d brought home and gave Humphrey a treat for being such a good boy in the car.

  I pulled my phone from my pocket and quickly opened the chat app. There was a message from Seb that had come in a couple of hours earlier, but I hadn’t looked at my phone for ages, as I’d sat chatting and watching telly with my parents.

  Home! Love you xx

  I sent the message to my parents and almost immediately received one back.

  Good-oh. Love you too. Xx

  Then I opened Seb’s.

  8

  Hope you’ve had a good day

  I frowned at it. There was something off, just slightly, but I couldn’t work out what it was.

  I did, thanks. Did you?

  I set the phone down and picked up a magazine, but the reply ping sounded before I’d had a chance to even open it.

  Took Scooby on a really long walk. Lots of fresh air

  The message was followed by a picture of his dog on the sofa, resting his head against Seb’s left knee, all four feet in the air.

  Looks like someone enjoyed it. What about his owner?

  His owner is knackered

  I frowned, sending an emoji that conveyed the same message.

  You didn’t overdo it, did you?

  Nope. All good

  I wasn’t entirely convinced. I knew that Seb still got pain from his leg and that some days were good and others less so and that it would always be that way. But I also knew that he had taken part in all sorts of activities and challenges with his prosthetic leg, things I wouldn’t have even contemplated doing with two good ones. But it still didn’t stop me being concerned. Or enable me to shake off the feeling that something wasn’t right.

  Is everything OK?

  Yep

  He added a thumbs up for good measure. The unconv
inced, weird niggly feeling remained, but I didn’t know what else I could do. I knew I’d forgotten to ring last night, but Seb wasn’t the kind of guy to take offence at that. He understood, more than anyone, how easy it was to get caught up in stuff. And it wasn’t like we were dating or anything. But there was something. And it was bugging the hell out of me.

  So how was your class?

  I pressed the video call symbol instead of typing. It rang a couple of times and Seb appeared on the screen, one hand rubbing over his cropped hair.

  ‘Hi.’

  ‘Hi. Is this OK, or are you busy?’ I asked.

  ‘Nope, this is good. You all right?’

  ‘Yes, thanks. Are you? I’m a bit worried you did too much today.’

  He pulled a face. ‘I’m fine. Honestly.’

  ‘I didn’t know you had a big hike planned.’

  Seb gave a shrug. ‘Last minute decision. Nice day. Why not?’

  ‘True.’

  ‘Did you have a good day?’

  ‘Yes, thanks. I went to a food fayre, so I’ve now eaten far too much and there are way too many tempting goodies in my fridge. Plus, I have roast dinner at my parents’ booked for tomorrow, so, all in, I think I’m going to be rolling out of the weekend.’

  ‘It’s definitely a shame I don’t live closer. I could have helped you out with some of that.’ He gave me a grin.

  My waistline agreed. Other parts of me also agreed based solely on that smile, but I was trying to ignore them.

  ‘Nice to visit these sorts of things though.’

  ‘It is. My parents love them so always know where the good ones are. I just tag along.’