Erik's Absolution

by Kristine Allen

  Trying for normal—no, more like grasping like a drowning man for a life raft—I smiled and joked, “Coffee. You know my poison.”

  “Do you need me to get a wheelchair to take you back to your room?” That last question came from my shit-stirring sister, with a wide grin. She was so damn lucky I loved her. My narrowed eyes and clenched jaw gave her the answer she was looking for. “Okay, well, love you, big brother. Nice meeting you, Kassi, and thank you for my new nephew. I can’t wait until he’s able to have his aunt babysit him.”

  “It was great meeting all of you too. Thank you for coming by to cheer us up.” The simple use of “us” makes my heart swell. If only there was an us. For not the first time, I kick myself for my stupidity all those months ago. For not sensing how perfect for me she was.

  Everyone began to file out after they had all hugged me and Kassi. My family could be a lot to handle, especially all at once, but Kassi had handled them like a trooper. I loved them something fierce, and it made me happy that they seemed to like her as well.

  “Kass, I’m going to head out too. I have school tomorrow, and I don’t want to be traveling too late.” Matt leaned over to hug her before turning to me. “You sure you don’t need our help getting back to your room?” Translation: I really don’t want to leave you here with my sister, fucker.

  Not wanting to make an enemy of her brother, but not wanting to look like a bitch cowering in a chair by his sister, I stood and stepped toward him with my hand outstretched. He took it in a firm grip, never breaking eye contact. This boy had guts and honor. It was something I appreciated in a man. Tipping my head in a quick gesture toward the door, I walked and he followed.

  Speaking low, I told him he had no worries.

  “You’re damn right I don’t. Because I don’t care how big you are, who your friends are, or what you do for a living, if you fuck with my sister and hurt her again, I will gladly kill you. She has given up too much already. She deserves to be happy.” He had balls, I’d give him that. And considering I had already planned to leave her alone, he really had no worries. I was just there for my son. Right?

  “Son, I don’t take kindly to threats, but seeing as I have a sister of my own, I get where you’re coming from. My intention is not to hurt your sister, just to be a good father. Perhaps your words would be better suited for Hunter.” A snort escaped him, and he turned to leave. Watching him walk down the hall to the elevators, I couldn’t help but wonder if I could abide by my words and promise. Because damn if she didn’t stir primitive things in me that screamed she was mine. No matter what she or anyone else thought.

  “Just Give Me a Reason”—Pink (feat. Nate Ruess)

  AFTER MY BROTHER AND Erik’s family left, I was reeling. It was a lot to absorb. It was like by having Erik’s child, I had inherited his entire family regardless of the state of our personal relationship.

  Erik and I spoke for a few minutes about Sebastian and his progress before we both sensed someone at the door. Hunter stood there with his shoulders hunched and his hands buried in the pockets of his jeans. “What are you doing here?” he asked Erik. Not who are you? But what are you doing here? Did he know him?

  “Just leaving, man. We were just working out some details regarding Sebastian.” Hunter had let slip a small snort of disbelief, and I realized something was very wrong with him. Erik stood slowly, hiding his pain as best as he could, but I noticed. He gave me a smile and told me he would see me in the NICU later. Then he gave a head nod to Hunter as he brushed past him in the doorway where Hunter made no move to give him his space. Not that Erik let that bother him as he lightly shoulder checked Hunter in passing.

  The room flooded with an uncomfortable silence. In all the months we had been together, I had never felt like that with him. It was weird and made me feel inexplicably sad. Yeah, something was very, very wrong.

  As I watched him warily, he closed his eyes, took a deep breath, and then looked me in the eye. The pain in his eyes was evident, and I worried something had happened to his family back in Texas. Though he had moved here with his dad when he was twelve, his mom and the rest of his family—siblings, cousins, aunts, uncles and the rest—still lived somewhere in Texas. He never talked about what brought them here, just that he and his dad had moved here.

  His dad had died a few years ago, and for whatever reason, he stayed. Despite having the option to go somewhere where he could make better money, he remained here in Podunk, Iowa. It was a subject we had never delved deep into because it seemed to shut him down anytime I brought it up.

  “Hunter, you’re worrying me. What’s going on? Is it your family?”

  “Aw hell, no, babe. They’re all good. At least last I heard.” He stepped closer to the bed, paused, then walked to the chair Erik had just vacated. He sat with what appeared to be the weight of the world on his shoulders. Scrubbing his face with his hands, he then dropped them to hang between his knees.

  “Kassi… shit… this is harder than I thought it would be.” He looked upward, as if he was seeking answers from above. “Kassi, I love you. So fucking much it almost hurts.”

  “Hunter, I—”

  “No. Kassi, don’t. I need to do this.” His eyes met mine, their green color as dark as moss in a shaded forest. My heart hurt in anticipation of his words. Deep down I just knew what was coming, and it was like watching a train barreling down the tracks toward a stalled car, knowing you couldn’t reach it in time but that it was going to be catastrophic when it hit. “Baby, we both know I’m way more invested in this relationship than you are.” My head shook in denial. “I know it’s true, even if you don’t, but please don’t think I hold it against you. I’m not angry with you. Please don’t feel like you did anything wrong. If I was a man who could be happy with simply having you as his, I wouldn’t dream of letting you go. But I’m not. When I’m all-in, I want a woman who’s in just as deep as me. Let’s face it, baby, you’ve been treading water in this relationship, afraid and refusing to dive in because you’re still tethered to someone else.”

  “Hunter, don’t say that. Yes, I’m still jumbled and confused inside, but you are such a wonderful man. I really do love you. You’re my best friend.” Tears began to run unchecked down my face. My heart, though he was right, hurt at the pain I saw in his eyes. Pain I caused because I was selfish and foolishly thought I could love him as much as he loved me, given time. It was in that moment I realized you can’t grow to love someone… it was either there or it wasn’t. Which led me to the realization that I would probably never love anyone and have them love me back like that, because I already did and he didn’t want me.

  “There’s not a doubt in my mind that you love me, but not in the way that I need you to. This is no one’s fault, just bad luck or bad cosmic alignment.” His self-depreciating laugh tore at my insides. He was trying to make light of the situation, but I knew it was a devastating blow to him because he truly did love me. It made me feel like such a shitty person.

  “I’m so sorry. I don’t know what to say. God, Hunter, this is why I didn’t want to even start anything because now I’m going to lose you as my friend, and that kills me. These last few months have been some of the best I’ve had. You have made me happy, I hope you don’t think you didn’t.” A sob slipped out at the despair I felt at losing his friendship and companionship. He had been an amazing friend, a kind and considerate lover, and he had treated me like a queen. For the hundredth time, I asked the powers that be why I couldn’t love him more. The problem was, I knew the answer to that: the same person that ate up nearly every thought in my head—the one who melted into my heart, filling in all the cracks until my heart felt whole and healed. Now I wouldn’t have either of them, and it was breaking me.

  Jesus, that made me sound like such a selfish bitch.

  “There’s a difference between happy and in love, Kassi. Call me a romantic fool, but I don’t want you to just be happy to be with me. I want you to be head over heels for me, just like I am fo
r you and Sebastian. Fuck, it’s ripping me apart to realize he won’t be part of my life.” His head dropped, and he clenched his eyes tight. “He really felt like mine. It’s like losing my own child.”

  “Hunter, don’t say that. I want you to still be a part of his life. You’re still my best friend.” He was already shaking his head. When he stood next to me, I scrambled to get up out of bed to stand in front of him. In a desperate attempt to hold onto the safety and comfort of the love I had selfishly absorbed and basked in without being able to reciprocate, I grasped his hands in mine.

  Gently, he extracted one to brush my hair behind my ear. Then he tipped my chin up to look in his sorrowful eyes. Big, fat tears ran down my cheeks and over his hand. “Fucking Christ, I can’t believe I’m saying this,” he muttered. “You’re probably going to be scared, and I understand this will be difficult for you, but… fuck… arghhh… he loves you.”

  In confusion, I looked at him like he was crazy. “What are you talking about?”

  “Erik.” The name was spoken in defeat.

  Shaking my head, I couldn’t believe he could even say that. He’d seen him once for all of ten seconds. What the hell? Pushing out my reply with bitter laughter, I shook my head in denial. “That’s where you’re wrong. He doesn’t want anything much to do with me outside of Sebastian. He’s being great about all that, but he was very clear that he doesn’t want the mom. He pushed me away over and over. I don’t need to be rejected again. Fuck that, and I can’t believe you could even say that. You don’t even know him.”

  “I don’t need to know him to have seen the way he looks at you. There has to be a reason he pushed you away. For the life of me, I have no fucking clue what it could be, but it must be pretty significant to give up the chance with you. You’re a smart, kindhearted woman who happens to be drop-fucking-dead gorgeous. There isn’t a man in his right mind that wouldn’t want you, which is why I can tell you he has something very heavy on his plate. Talk to him. What I can tell you is things you could find out for yourself if you enter his name in Google. He was a Purple Heart Recipient while in the Marine Corps. That does something to a man in itself.” With difficulty, he swallowed as if there was a softball in his throat. “I need to go. If you really need me, you can contact me, but I’m going to be leaving, and I’m begging you to let me go. Clean break. Okay?” He tried to smile, but it came out lopsided and just… sad.

  “Nooooooo…” the word tore out of me. The tears were torrents, and I felt like I was drowning in them. His lips brushed against my forehead, and I knew it would be the last time I ever felt them against my skin. Ever so carefully, he disentangled my fingers from his and removed my other hand from his forearm where I had clutched him tightly. My heart was breaking. For me, for him, and for Sebastian, who would never know how much this man had loved him and looked forward to his arrival. Stepping back, he broke our contact completely before turning away.

  With his back to me as he walked away, he softly told me, “Take care of yourself and that baby boy.” As he stepped through the door, I was sure I heard him say, “I’ll always love you both.”

  And he was gone.

  “If Today Was Your Last Day”—Nickelback

  TOMORROW I WOULD BE discharged. Thanks to my dad, I had a lucrative job here that would keep me busy until probably about the time Sebastian would be released from NICU. Well, as long as he continued to progress like he had been. The doctors were all really surprised and happy at how well he had been doing.

  Not me. That was my son, and I knew he came from tough stock. That tiny boy was a fighter, and he started on day one. I wasn’t talking about the day he was born either. It still boggled my mind that through all the precautions we had taken, he still found a way to overcome it all to get here. Then he was dumped into this cold, hard world early and yet was surpassing all the expectations the medical professionals had of him.

  Yep, he was definitely a Jaeger. Speaking of which, I wanted to make sure he had my last name on his fucking birth certificate. It didn’t matter to me how much of a stand-up guy this Hunter was, I wasn’t taking any chances of her marrying him and my son somehow ending up with his name. Fuck no.

  Glancing at the clock, I realized it was almost time to go see my little man. He was the only reason I would continue to step foot in this hospital after I was discharged. My love for him far exceeded my hatred of hospitals. Okay, I’m fucking George Washington. I can’t tell a lie. That baby’s mom helped me tolerate this damn hospital too.

  Fucking hell, how was I going to survive seeing her all the time? Not to mention having to see them together all the time. Fuck. What the hell would I do if she told me they were getting married? Not thinking about it. As my mom would say, “Don’t borrow trouble.”

  Shoving my tray on the rolling table away from where I had sat in the chair to eat, I carefully stood and walked to the bathroom to brush my teeth and wash my hands. As I dried my hands, I caught my refection. My hair had gotten a little shaggy on top, and my beard was starting to really resemble a biker beard. Running my fingers through it, I shuffled through my toiletries bag the guys had grabbed and brought up here to me. I was going to scare the shit out of my son if I didn’t get it cleaned up.

  Time to join the land of the living again.

  Completing the now second nature routine prior to walking through the doors, I felt my heart began to race in anticipation. It had only been about four days since I had found out I had a son, but I loved him so fucking much it was insane. There was this crazy jumbled mixture of proud, excited, happy, nervous, and downright scared shitless roiling around in my guts. It just didn’t seem possible for one tiny human being to stir up so much emotion in a man. Did it make me a weak man? Fuck no, it didn’t. It made me a dad.

  Though we didn’t usually get there for another twenty minutes or so because of dinner, I had rushed today because I just couldn’t wait. Not that Kassi would hold it against me, or be mad that I came without her, it was just kind of our time. Almost like a date, but I would never say that to her. But as I was buzzed through the doors, I got to Sebastian’s little bed to find her already there, our son cradled to her bare chest, covered by a blanket as she wept silent tears.

  My instincts screamed to rush to her side to find out if he was okay, but seeing his little arm stretch and his tiny fingers flex, my heart settled down. My next thought was to ask her whose ass I needed to kick. Her face was blotchy, those gorgeous blue eyes were red and swollen, making the light blue stand out even more. She’d been crying awhile. What the actual fuck? But you wanna know something? She was still beautiful to me.

  Wishing I could crouch down so she would be looking at me, but knowing I didn’t dare, I sat gingerly in the rocker that was still next to hers. Things were getting better, but hell if I still didn’t hurt like a mofo. Tonight, I had actually gotten my bad hand—that sounded funny—to grasp the fork to cut my chicken. Okay, so it wasn’t pretty because my grip was still compromised, it felt like a tremendous accomplishment. Hell, my tiny-as-hell son had a better grip than I did.

  The doc had given me the okay to forego the sling unless it got overly tired. He said the more I moved it, the better, as long as I followed the physical therapist’s guidelines and didn’t overdo it.

  My hand reached over to rest on her knee, gently so I didn’t startle her. Regardless of my good intentions, her eyes shot open and she pulled her lips between her teeth when she realized it was me. “Erik…,” she whispered through her soft sobs after she released those red lips on a huff.

  “Kassi, baby, is everything okay?” The endearment slipped out, and I caught it afterward, but there was no taking it back. She didn’t seem to catch it though, so I just let it go.

  “No. It’s not. He left.” The corners of her mouth tipped further down and trembled.

  “Who left? I don’t understand. Sebastian’s okay, right?” I wasn’t sure who else she could be talking about. Her brother? No way… “Hunter?”

&
nbsp; At her wobbly nod, I had to fight with every molecule of my being not to stand up and do a happy dance in front of her. Yeah, I was a dick. Sue me. At least I didn’t actually do it. Nope, I didn’t even crack a smile. Why? Because she was hurting and there was no way in hell I was going to kick her while she was down. No way I was risking pushing her away. Not when she was a single step closer to me and the possibility was now out there that I might be able to win her over.

  “Fuck, babe. I’m sorry you’re hurting. Is there anything I can do?” Pull you and my son into my lap? Press my lips to yours? Hold you forever? Mentally slapping myself on the forehead, I reached deep and pulled out all the sympathy I had. Just for this girl. Because even though her hurt was because he left her, regardless of the whats and whys, she was still devastated, and that tore at my heart, shredding it bit by bit. It killed me to see her sad. It had been an all-too-common thing after I was a dumb fuck and pushed her away all those months ago. Looking back, had I not been such a fucking moron and kept watching out for her instead of telling myself she was better off with him, I would have known she was pregnant.

  Shit, I had been stupid.

  But that was now water under the bridge that I couldn’t capture. What I could do was be there for her. Every time I could. Like right the fuck now.

  “Kassi, do you want to talk about it?” Her rapid “no” gesture jostled Sebastian ever so slightly but enough that he started to stretch and wiggle. She gave him a watery smile before focusing it on me. At just the slightest tip of those lips, my heart hammered in my chest. Before her, I would have swore the damn thing was dead behind my rib cage. Solid concrete. Now? It was tripping and flipping, and generally beating out of control at the littlest glimpse of her.