Rude Awakenings

by Jonathan Eaves

Besides, we are all weary. A few minutes rest would do us all good.'

  Robin regarded Anyx closely. 'You suddenly seem a little bit keener on this matter. Have we finally managed to convince you of our cause?'

  The dwarf briefly thought about Azif before shaking his head. 'No, I still think you're all a bunch of crazy people, running about on a wild goose chase. But that doesn't mean I want to see Grub here dropping dead from a heart attack. And I'd also like to know that Annabel and Dosodall are okay.'

  Robin smiled sadly. 'So, still the cynic, hey?'

  The dwarf dipped his head in acknowledgement.

  'Okay,' said Robin, 'we'll wait half an hour, but no longer. If the doctor and Annabel aren't here by then we have no option to set out without them. We'll leave a message in the hope that-'

  At that moment there was a tremendous commotion in the trees, the sound of trunks being uprooted and branches being smashed and scattered.

  Robin jumped to his feet and pushed the Maid behind him. 'Everybody, get back!' he cried as he drew his sword.

  The sound grew louder until, suddenly, several tons of distressed elephant burst into the clearing before, with amazing agility, coming to a shuddering halt.

  A'Veil was the first to regain her senses and she promptly noticed the prone body of the doctor slung across Annabel's back. She ran forward. 'Robin,' she cried, 'the doctor!' She turned back to the medium. 'I don't know if you can understand me but... I just want you to know we'll do all we can for him.'

  They all watched as Robin and Ron gently lifted the doctor and set him down on the soft fern-filled floor of the clearing. And then stand back.

  'What are you doing?' asked Anyx.

  'What do you mean, what are we doing? What are you doing, more to the point?' replied Robin.

  'Well, what I thought I was doing was watching you getting ready to tend to the doctor.'

  'Me? I don't know anything about doctoring and such-like. He's the doctor, after all,' Robin said, pointing to the prone figure at his feet. 'Anyway,' he continued, 'you're the healer around here.'

  'What?' cried the dwarf.

  'Hey, the prophecy says that the Awakener is, amongst other things, a healer,' Robin pointed out. 'You're the Awakener, therefore you're a healer. Stands to reason.'

  The dwarf thrust his head into his hands. 'But I've already told you I'm not the bloody Awakener,' he protested. 'It's all just fantasy.' He looked around the clearing, noticing everybody's eyes were on him, including the elephant's. Anyx watched her shake her head gently, causing a slight breeze. 'Look, I'm really not the Awakener, okay. How many times do I have to tell you?'

  'Then why have you come this far?' A'Veil asked softly.

  'I've asked myself the very same question a thousand times, believe me,' Anyx replied meaningfully. 'Listen, perhaps I've gone along with this charade as long as I have because I didn't want to disappoint you all. Maybe it was simply because I've got nowhere else to go. But the simple truth is that I'm no saviour, and I'm definitely not a bloody healer. I've never healed anything in my entire life. Gods! I've never even kept a houseplant for longer than a fortnight and give me a goldfish, within a day I'll give you sushi. I'm just not your man... dwarf, I mean.'

  'So you won't do anything for the doctor?'

  Anyx forced himself to look into the Maid's face. 'It's not a matter of won't,' he muttered, 'it's a matter of can't.'

  The Maid closed her eyes and, despite himself, the dwarf couldn't help but feeling guilty. He needed to make them understand.

  'Look, what I'm saying is that I'm not a physician. I may know a bit about drugs, but not ones that are generally used for restorative purposes, if you know what I mean?'

  'No,' replied Robin

  'What?'

  'No, I don't know what you mean.'

  'You know, drugs for recreational purposes-?

  The outlaw leader shook his head.

  Anyx shrugged. 'Doesn't matter,' he said eventually. 'The thing is I'm simply not qualified. I could do the doctor more harm than good. Anyway, surely someone amongst you lot knows something about medicine. You've lived out in the woods. What about insect bites and nettle stings? Who treated that sort of thing?'

  'Azif, usually, before his incarceration,' the Maid answered.

  'Oh,' replied Anyx. 'I see.' He looked across to Grub. 'Brother,' he said, 'surely you have some knowledge of herbs and roots and plant extracts and the like?'

  Grub shook his head and looked down at his sandaled feet.

  'But it's what monks do, isn't it?' the dwarf protested. 'That, and ride on Vespas,[28] and go to afternoon matinees.'

  'We attend matins and vespers if that's what you mean,' replied the monk, a touch haughtily, 'or did, before all forms of non-trollian worship were banned.'

  Anyx sighed. 'So, what you're telling me is that not one of you has any knowledge of medicine?'

  'I used to play doctors and nurses with my cousin Sally when I was younger,' Ron offered.

  'I'm not sure that really counts, Ron,' Anyx replied. He hesitated for a moment and for the first time noticed the likeness. 'That wouldn't be Big Sally, would it? Lives down Cadmuck Street, next to the kebab shop?'

  'That's right,' said Ron.

  'And you all call her Big Sally because she's actually quite small?'

  'Yeah, that's right! Do you know her?'

  'We've met on one or two occasions,' the dwarf replied evasively. 'Tell me, does a really bad sense of humour run in your family?'

  Confused, Ron didn't answer.

  Anyx turned his attention back to the matter in hand and glanced around the clearing once again. It was obvious that something needed to be done and that, in everyone else's opinion it seemed, whatever it was that was needed to be done, was, for some reason, needed to be done by the dwarf...

  Oh well, he thought, as he made to bend over the doctor's supine figure. 'So, what's up, doc?' he asked quietly, so that no-one else could hear, and curiously he felt a sudden yearning to munch on a carrot. He quickly brushed the feeling aside. 'Okay, I don't know if this is going to work,' he said to no-one in particular, 'but, seeing as we don't seem to have too many options, I guess it's worth a try.'

  Robin had come to stand beside him. 'What are you talking about?' he asked, as he looked down into the doctor's disturbingly serene face.

  Anyx reached into his scrip in which currently resided his empty tobacco tin, a spare pair of under garments, a little something he had acquired at the Griffin when Cleat had been looking the other way, and a tiny pouch, which was what he now produced.

  'This,' he said, holding the pouch up for all to see, 'is bloody wonderful stuff. I call it my restorative. It works miracles on hangovers.'

  'What is it?' asked Robin.

  Anyx unloosened the drawstrings on the pouch, inserted his little finger and drew it out. Perched upon his nail was a tiny heap of white powder. 'A herbalist friend of mine, by the name of Culpepper, gave me this,' he explained. 'He says it's called something like Alka Holic. Not sure what's in it but it's got a hell of a kick. If anything can revive the good doctor then this is it.'

  'Is it safe?'

  'Well, usually it's a case of light the blue touch paper and stand well back.'

  'Which means?' asked the Maid, puzzled.

  'Just watch,' the dwarf replied.

  He knelt down by Dosodall's head, opened the doctor's mouth, and gently poured the white substance in. Then, in accordance with his own instructions, he stood well back.

  For several moments nothing happened. And, for a few moments more, nothing happened. Then, after a further few moments - in which nothing other than Ron mumbling something about having the right uniform and everything, including a stethoscope, happened - something happened. First, the doctor opened one eye. Then the other eye. Then he moved his right hand. Then he moved his left hand. Next his right foot shuddered and then he proceeded to collapse in a heap, snoring loudly.

  Robin looked towards the dwarf, shock on his fac
e. 'What the bloody hell have you done to him?' he asked.

  'Well, I may have given him a tad too much,' the dwarf admitted shamefacedly. 'But I reckon he'll be alright now. Just give it twenty minutes or so and he'll be fine.'

  'Really?'

  'Or dead.'

  'What!?'

  'Only joking. Couldn't resist.'

  'So...' Robin deliberated, shaking his head at the dwarf's lack of tact, 'he's going to be okay?'

  Anyx nodded.

  'Are you sure?'

  'Well, pretty sure,' the dwarf answered. 'I've never known this stuff to fail. Works better, mind you, if you dissolve it in some water first but-'

  'You're absolutely sure?' Robin insisted.

  'What is this?' replied the dwarf. 'Twenty bleeding questions! Yes, I'm sure, okay?'

  Robin paused to contemplate this. 'In that case,' he said after a few moments, 'you, dwarf, have, in effect, healed the doctor, wouldn't you agree?'

  Anyx shook his head, realising what Robin was implying. 'Look, the doc will be fine, but that, and I want to make this absolutely clear, doesn't make me a healer. It's just a bloody hangover cure, that's all.'

  'Whatever it is,' Robin answered, 'and whatever was wrong with him, you've brought him back to us. Look.'

  Anyx turned to see the doctor was sitting up, rubbing his head, and moaning softly.

  'You've healed him,' Robin went on, a smile upon his face. 'You can't deny it. And, I suggest, you should stop denying that you are the Awakener.'

  'You're nuts,' Anyx replied. 'And anyway, what about that other rubbish, the stuff about, what was it... being a spirit stealer, for example? That's downright spooky, by the way.'

  'I don't know,' admitted Robin. 'But your healing of the doctor is enough proof for me. I really do believe you are the Awakener, Anyx. And, besides, we haven't got anyone else in the frame eight now.'

  'Oh thanks!'

  Robin placed his hand on the dwarf's shoulder. 'Look, I know this all sounds ridiculous to you but somehow I know I'm right. You are the Awakener of the prophecy. I'm sure of it.'

  Anyx shook his head. 'What utter tosh!' He regarded Robin's smiling face and sighed. 'Listen, I'm sure I'm not the Awakener, so you really mustn't pin your hopes on me. Like I've repeatedly said I've just come along because, right now, I've got bugger all else to do.'

  He bent to pick up his scrip and return the pouch of white powder to it. At that moment something small, sparkly and solid fell out onto the floor. There was a brief sloshing sound.

  'What's that?' asked Robin suspiciously.

  Anyx picked it up quickly, and returned it to his pack. 'Nothing,' he said. 'Just a small personal item.'

  A'Veil stepped forward. She'd been standing close to the dwarf. 'It was a bottle of whisky, wasn't it?' she demanded of him.

  Anyx shook his head in denial. 'Whisky? Of course not! It's just... medicine, that's all. Helps to, um, keep the blood flowing, that sort of thing. Thins it, you see. Or is it thickens? I can never remember-'

  'Could I see it, then?' asked the Maid in all innocence.

  The dwarf reddened. 'Um, I'd rather you didn't-'

  'It was whisky, wasn't it?' Robin stated.

  Anyx started to protest but then realised it was no use. 'Yes, it's whisky,' he admitted quietly.

  'You've had a bottle of whisky on you all this time,' Robin complained, 'and you had the temerity to moan about my sherry!'

  Anyx couldn't help but looked abashed. 'It just slipped my mind,' he mumbled.

  'You're a lying little bugger,' Robin stated flatly. 'Where did you get it from, anyway?'

  'I, um... earned it.'

  'Where?' asked Robin suspiciously. 'How?'

  'It's from Cleat,' claimed the dwarf. 'You know, for helping him clean his cellar and whatnot.'

  'That was surprisingly generous of him,' said Will, entering into the debate. 'Especially when you consider he's a notorious skinflint. That miser would never have given you a bottle of whisky, just for mopping his cellar.'

  'It wasn't just mopping,' Anyx protested, 'there was some polishing involved too. Not to mention a great deal of wiping-'

  'You nicked it, didn't you?' Robin