Without Forever: Babylon MC Book 5

by James, Victoria L.

  “Fuck,” I whispered.

  Running her fingers under her eyes, Ayda let off a small tear-filled chuckle. “That’s one way of putting it. What a day.”

  I rolled my head her way, reaching up to cup her neck as I blew out a heavy breath. “Tell me you’re okay.”

  “Baby, I’ve never been better.”

  “Jesus Christ, Ayda, I’ve never felt this much before. I’m raw… open, vulnerable… fucking broken apart,” I whispered, exposing all my truths. “And the weirdest part is that it feels like I’m finally living, you know? And that’s all because of you.”

  “All those things you’re feeling, that is life. That’s living. It’s what you’ve done for me.”

  I didn’t wait. I moved and kissed her. I kissed her hard, my need to express everything I was feeling taking over as I curled myself around her and held her tight. My tongue slid over hers, the heat of our chemistry making me blind to the fact we were only a few feet away from so many people. I’d have taken her there and then if I could, but when a small shiver of delight ran over her body, making her shudder in my grip, I reluctantly pulled away, littering softer kisses over her face.

  “Come ride with me, Mrs. Tucker.”

  “With pleasure.”

  We didn’t have a threshold there and then, but that didn’t stop me from scooping her up in my arms, enjoying the way she curled hers around my neck as I led her to my bike. With another kiss, I guided her down, and before long, the two of us were in a position we’d been in a hundred times before.

  I guided my bike back, feeling the weight of love and responsibility at my back.

  My wife.

  My baby.

  Arms wrapped around me and hearts pressed into my back.

  With a squeeze of my hand around hers, I stared at the gates of the yard, and I sucked in a breath.

  So much was changing, but these changes felt right. A forever without change means you’re stuck in the same place for far too long. We were meant to travel down different paths, and Ayda was the one guiding me into unknown territory, showing me how life could be lived if I opened my eyes and heart enough to let the good stuff in.

  The Ayda kind of stuff.

  I closed my eyes for just a second, thinking of Harry, Pete, and my mom. With a single thanks to each of them, I stared in front of me, focused on what lay ahead instead of what rested behind, and I led us both out of the yard.

  To a home we hadn’t yet seen.

  Down roads we’d yet to explore.

  To a life waiting.

  A life I knew would be more than I ever imagined it could be.

  Epilogue

  AYDA

  “I fucking hate you, Drew Tucker!” I screamed.

  The pain in my body was immense, and I had been verging on exhausted hours ago. I was a mess, my hair stuck to my sweaty forehead, legs spread for the room, and stretch marks cradling my exposed belly. Yet, there stood my husband with his top off, looking perfect for the entire world.

  But, I could see how tense the muscles in his bare shoulders were as I squeezed his hand. He was enduring the torture I was inflicting on him as yet another contraction rolled over me, and I was beginning to wonder what I’d done to myself when it finally eased enough for me to breathe again.

  “Maybe hate is a strong word,” I mumbled as the nurse checked the machines.

  Drew was scowling and trying to smile at the same time, but it came off as some weird kind of grimace, his eyes drifting to the hand I’d just tortured. “You could never hate me, Ayda.” Leaning closer, he reached up to brush some damp strands of hair away from my face. “And you can do this. You’re the toughest old lady I know.”

  “Old—” my words were cut off as the now familiar pressure started again. My skin felt too tight for my body, and my grip tightened around Drew’s abused hand again. They’d told me to hold off on the pushing while they’d made sure everything was okay, but the pressure was making it impossible. For the millionth time, it felt like it was too much—like I couldn’t do this. There was no way in hell I could push this baby out, not even when my body was demanding I do it.

  “Ayda,” the doctor said, rolling her stool closer, in between my parted legs. This whole baby thing was really hard on my personal space. “This is it now. We’re ready. You can start pushing.”

  I released a long breath, my eyes meeting Drew’s before I pulled in another. Digging my nails into the back of his hand, I finally started to push.

  “Come on, baby,” Drew hissed, his body working with mine, leaning closer as though he wanted to push for me. I would have let him, too. I felt like I was trying to shit out a watermelon. I curled forward as I pushed with everything I had. The pressure was so intense that I was convinced I was being ripped in two.

  “You’re crowning,” the doctor offered in a way of an update, but I felt her reaction was delayed. I could feel the baby’s head pushing, stretching, burning.

  “I can’t,” I wailed, trying my best to remember how to breathe. My eyes found Drew’s as my body took over and pushed with every ounce of strength I had. My fingers were buried so deep into the back of his hand, I couldn’t seem to release my grip.

  I was contradicting myself it seemed.

  A scream started and stuck in my throat as the doctor moved around between my thighs and smiled up at me. Her mouth was moving but the words were drowned out by my body’s sudden chanting of push, push, push.

  “Stop pushing now, Ayda.”

  What the fuck?

  “Can’t.”

  “The baby’s head is out, sweetheart, but we have to check that the cord isn’t around the neck.”

  I felt my bottom lip tremble. My body demanded that I rid myself of this pain immediately. My head was almost fuzzy with the odd feeling of being held open.

  “Holy shit,” Drew whispered beside me, his attention drifting to where the doctor’s hands were holding onto the baby we’d yet to meet.

  I tried to lift my head to look, but I couldn’t see over my stomach while I was fighting to catch my breath.

  “You’re doing so well, Ayda. Now we’re going to have you give one last big push for us.”

  Sweat trickled down my forehead and slid into my eye, forcing me to brush it away with my free hand before pushing up on my elbows and curling around my belly. Gritting my teeth, I could hear the strangled cry tearing free from deep inside me as the pain soared to a point I wasn’t sure was normal.

  Then, I pushed.

  Time slowed down as the stretching sensation left my body. The pain was receding, but my breaths wouldn’t come as a nurse cut the cord and swaddled the baby before whisking her away. Drew and I looked after them, the time ticking painfully away until a high-pitched wail came from the other side of the room.

  My skin broke out in goosebumps at the sound of our baby, and tears clouded my eyes, that cry making my arms ache, and my heart soar in my chest. Knowing that the baby was healthy had me searching for Drew.

  His mouth was parted, his eyes wide as he stared at me, unable to believe the baby was here.

  “You did it,” he finally whispered, wrapping a hand around my neck and dropping his forehead to mine. “Ayda, you did it. She’s here. Our little girl is here.”

  I started crying. I couldn’t help myself. I was so overcome with emotion that I just fell apart. I needed to hold my little girl, see her beautiful face—kiss all ten fingers and toes. Everything in me seemed to ache for it. But this moment with Drew, this moment called for something more. Pressing my palm to his face, I pressed my lips against his and smiled a tearful smile.

  “Our little Harriet,” I whispered sounding hoarse and weak.

  Drew huffed out an emotional laugh, his eyes glazed as he stared at me in that way he always did recently… like he was in awe of me. “We’re fucking parents,” he said quietly. “We have a daughter.”

  I held those beautiful eyes with mine for as long as I could, making a hundred unspoken promises to him and Harr
iet for our future. My heart was pounding so hard that I found myself suddenly distracted by the new silence that descended over the room. When I glanced over, I saw a beautiful little face peering from a blanket being offered to me.

  Our little girl.

  It took everything to not burst into tears when I accepted Harriet from the nurse. I cradled the tiny bundle to my chest and tried to catch my breath as I looked down at the utter picture of perfection I was holding in my arms.

  Harriet Linda Tucker was beautiful in every way.

  She stared up at me curiously, little grunts coming from her as I stared right back. The connection felt instant, another small puzzle piece of my heart suddenly locking into place like it had always been there. I loosened the blanket enough to find her tiny hands and the tiny fingers on them and ran my lips over them reverently.

  I couldn't stop stroking her fingers and running my thumb down her cheeks. This tiny little human being had just come from me. She was already the best parts of Drew and me, and the most loved human on the face of the planet.

  I glanced up at Drew the moment I was able to drag my eyes from our little Harry and smiled.

  “You want to hold your daughter?”

  “More than anything in the world,” he answered, with pure love shining from his eyes.

  Slowly, and carefully, I placed our daughter into her father’s arms and watched as he pulled her to him.

  I loved Drew. I had since the day I’d met him, but the sight of him with our baby in his arms, her cheek pressed against the hound on his bare chest, and her tiny hand wrapped around his thumb did something to me that I would never, ever forget.

  All of his power and strength wrapped around her delicate frame with such love and adoration, I could feel it myself. The sight of it warmed my heart and made tears flood my eyes as the future lit up like a sunny day. Drew’s rough edges and darker days all melted away as he looked down on his daughter like she was the most magnificent thing he had ever seen. I knew the feeling. For me, Drew had never looked so good. Watching him rocking our baby back and forth in those powerful arms as he bounced in place, I knew this little girl would never know true fear. He wouldn’t let her. I knew that her pain would always be eased by this man, who was already so in love with her, that he was lost to the world. I also knew that she would always be loved by Drew, by me, and the entire MC family she would grow up surrounded by.

  Harriet Tucker was going to be the brightest spark in our lives.

  She was perfection wrapped in a swaddling blanket and cradled by the most perfectly imperfect man I had ever met.

  This right here was my world.

  These two divine beings were my life.

  And really, it was only just the beginning.

  * * *

  “She looks like a little angel,” I said, propping my head up with my hand on my side of our enormous California king-sized bed, watching as Harriet kicked her arms and legs at the ceiling above her. It was so good to be home with the newest addition to our family. Harriet was wearing a ridiculously cute onesie with the Hounds logo that one of the girls had ordered for her in baby pink. Happy little gurgles emitted from her when her daddy ran a finger over her miniature-sized palm.

  We were besotted. Even sleep deprivation hadn’t stopped our complete adoration when it came to Harriet.

  Every moment Drew spent holding her, rocking her in his arms and dropping little butterfly kisses all over her face, the more I fell in love with them both. The contrast of her delicate little body in his strong arms was indescribable. Watching him with her was one of my favorite pastimes now.

  Glancing over at him on the bed, I smiled. Since we’d moved into this house that Harry had given us, Drew had been peaceful, happy, and content. Being here with Harriet seemed to take that all to a whole new level. Reaching over, I traced his brow with a finger, not really saying a word in explanation, just needing to touch him. I always needed that connection these days, whether it was with him, Harriet, or both of them. It was almost as though I was making sure they were both still real, and this was my life.

  Drew glanced up, a soft smile in place. It was a part of him now. The smile I used to long to see more of had brightened up his face more than ever before, making him even sexier than I ever thought he could be.

  “You okay?” he asked quietly.

  “Better than okay,” I admitted, smiling back at him. “Just have to keep reminding myself this is real life.”

  “Pretty special, ain’t it?”

  “You, sir, are looking at the luckiest woman alive.”

  “Damn right.” He smirked. “I’m a catch.”

  I let off a small laugh and dropped my hand to where Harriet was gripping his thumb with a white fist, my finger gently stroking her knuckles.

  “You also give good sperm. Just look at her. She’s gorgeous.”

  Drew immediately propped himself up on his elbow, attempting to cover Harriet’s tiny ears with his huge hands as he looked up at me. “Ayda! We don’t talk about the S. P. E. R. M in front of my daughter. I don’t want her to know what that is until she’s at least a hundred and eight.”

  I playfully rolled my eyes and dropped my head lower, pressing my lips to her chubby little cheek. “She doesn’t know what I’m saying. Do you, sugar?”

  Harriet gurgled again, kicking out both of her legs as her eyes moved about the ceiling, occasionally darting to me when I gave her more kisses. I was addicted to the baby smell of her. It was so unique and clean.

  “How many more do you think you would want?” I asked, suddenly curious. I’d been a mother less than a week, and I wasn’t willing to give up these little moments yet. The thought of her growing up was almost soul-crushing. “Babies, I mean.”

  “Right now, I feel like I’ve got so much love inside of me, I could father a hundred tiny babies.” His hand glided over her delicate little tummy. “Seeing you as a mom is, without a doubt, the sexiest thing in the world to me. I don’t know how many I want or how many we’ll have. All I know is that this isn’t the last time. I already want to do this again with you, if that’s what you want, too.”

  “I really, really do,” I said gently. “Life’s funny, isn’t it? Two years ago, I wasn’t even sure I wanted kids. Now…?” I glanced down at Harriet. “A week, and I can’t imagine life without her.” When I glanced up and found his eyes again, all I could see was love there. “And you… seeing you with her is possibly the most beautiful thing I’ve ever witnessed in my life, Drew. I feel so happy sometimes, I think I’m losing my mind. You, this house Harry gave us, Harriet… all I need now is a dog and a pony.”

  He looked at me for a moment, his eyes searching mine. “I used to think that what goes around comes back around, you know. I believed that, so in a way, I think I had my whole life mapped out in my head when I walked out of those prison doors. I’d come back to Babylon, cause more trouble, make a stand, and live my life chasing my own ass all over the place. Now I’m starting to think it doesn’t work that way. What goes around doesn’t have to come back to you. Sometimes it just goes because it needs to go. It needs to get out of here so you can live a better life. Every day since we got married, I wake up next to you, and I feel that this is how life is meant to be. The last year with you has been the only year I’ve truly lived, and if you’re losing your mind, I’m right there with you, Ayda. I may still be the president of The Hounds, but I’m more than that now. I’m a different version of Drew Tucker. I can’t wait to get home to you and Harriet. I can’t wait to go to bed… sober. Everything I once loved is insignificant, replaced by things I never knew I could crave.” He reached over to trail a finger up and down my bicep. “So, if my girl wants a dog and a pony, I’ll find a way to get her them, because I need you to feel full like I do.” He smiled. “But you’re picking up their sh…” He trailed off, glancing down at Harriet.

  I started to laugh, unable to help myself.

  This man, who had always dropped his expletives so freely,
now watched every word he said in front of a week-old baby. It was possibly the most adorable thing I’d ever seen, but I didn’t say that aloud. Instead, I scooped Harriet up and laid her face down on his chest before wriggling under his arm. When she’d been born, she’d almost looked like a little old lady, all wrinkles and frowns. Now she was coming into her own, and I loved seeing the parts of her that belonged to Drew. When they were laid together, Harriet on his chest like this, it was a double-Drew stare. She had the same shaped eyes as him, the same dark hair, and when she had gas, she looked like she had his signature smirk.

  “Right now,” I said gently, resting my head on his shoulder. “I just want to stay like this. Imprint it all into my memory.”

  Drew ran his hand down Harriet’s back, his other arm wrapping around me as he kissed the top of her head and rested his mouth there. “Then let’s stay like this a little while longer,” he whispered.

  I didn’t fear the future anymore, and I didn’t worry about the unknown. Life would always test us, but with Drew by my side, I knew I was ready to take it all on. I was ready to fight because I’d had a taste of happiness, and I wasn’t ever going to let it go.

  Drew was my forever, and maybe every forever that followed.

  * * *

  DREW

  One Last Round

  “Who the hell are you, and what the fuck are you doing with my brother?”

  Those were the first words Ayda ever said to me.

  “Where the hell do you think you’re going? Hey, we’re not finished here, dude.”

  “Yeah, we are, sweetheart.”

  “Do not walk away from me!”

  “You have no idea who I am, do you?”

  “That’s Drew Tucker, Ayda. Shut the fuck up.”

  The memory made me smile every time I thought about it. Her smart mouth mixed with my bad attitude had equaled one hell of a life.