Think Twice

by Stephanie Rose

  I’d texted Jack when I arrived at the rehab center and waited for him in the courtyard. The last time I’d come here, Dylan and I left, tense yet relieved, that Jack knew about us. I knew my brother well enough to know he’d let Dylan have it later on, but I never doubted Jack would come around eventually. Dad seemed like a lost cause, and if I lost Dylan, too, all this hurt would be for nothing. Maybe running away would have been the safer bet.

  “You know I’m coming home tomorrow, right?” A wry, but sad grin lifted my brother’s more stubbled than usual cheeks. “The long drive up here now doesn’t make any sense, Peege.” He settled next to me and grabbed my hand.

  Of course, he already knew. Dad probably called him right away and reamed him for not saying anything.

  I nodded, the sobs I’d managed to finally stop yesterday afternoon now choking me. All Jack had to do was tilt his head before I collapsed onto his chest.

  “It’s all right,” he whispered before resting his chin on top of my head. “It’s okay, baby sister. Now that they all know, everything will get settled.”

  I pushed off his chest, wiping away my tears with the back of my hand. “It’s going to take a long ass time to work up to settled. Dad can’t even look at me. You were right, I should have told them before they caught us. I just … knew Dad would react this way. Although, telling him and having him find—”

  “Please,” he groaned and held up his hand. “I already have an all too vivid picture in my head from Mom and Dad. You’re … grown up now. We all still think of you as a little baby, and that’s our issue. Was having Dylan sleep in your room with them not home smart? No … but I’m not innocent, either. I just had the luck of not getting caught.”

  “I guess but—” My head jerked back on a delayed reaction. “Who did you sneak in?”

  Jack rolled his eyes and let out a long sigh. “Marina, in our senior year of high school, on and off. Back then, I had possibilities so she was all too happy to do it.” Something was weighing on my brother. His hair was a mess, and he hadn’t shaved in days, but the most telling was his vacant stare as he turned toward me.

  “You still have possibilities now. You don’t even have crutches anymore, and look how amazing you’re walking. Plus, didn’t you say you and your therapist …”

  “Not anymore.” He stiffened and leaned back on the bench, jutting his chin to the side entrance. “That’s her.”

  I strained my eyes to see a pretty, tall brunette adjusting a woman’s wheelchair. Her smile was warm as she straightened and tucked in the loose wisps of her ponytail behind her ear.

  “She’s pretty.”

  Jack sucked in his bottom lip as he nodded. He hadn’t seemed this sad and dejected after Marina broke it off. Back then, he was more angry than sad, about everything.

  “She is,” he whispered. “I thought we had something, but she only felt sorry for me. She never gave me a straight answer about what would happen with us after I left.”

  “I doubt that, Jack. I’m sure she sees patients a lot worse off than you and doesn’t give them the … special treatment you told me you had.” I elbowed his side. “Maybe she’s scared about something. Didn’t you say she was divorced? Was it really bad?”

  “Fuck knows. She never told me anything about it. I pretty much poured my heart out to her about everything on an almost daily basis and she never gave any details about her own life.”

  “Did you ever come out and ask her?” I cocked my head to the side, chuckling at a rare moment of my brother being speechless. “Well, maybe you should. I’m not the only one in this family who’s a stubborn little shit as you like to call me.”

  His chest shook with a laugh. “You’ll always be my stubborn little shit. I know it makes no sense, and maybe it has to do with the accident and how Marina blew me off, but we had this … connection. In fact, what I feel for her is much stronger than … well, my feelings for anyone. I didn’t imagine it. We got into an argument the other day, and she’s rushed my discharge so I can leave. I said some awful things to her.” Jack dropped his gaze to the ground and kicked a rock back and forth along the concrete.

  “That’s another thing we share. Passionate people say stupid things in the heat of the moment. I threatened to move out the other day, even packed a bag. Dad threw it across my bedroom and told us we’d lost our minds. Dylan was the only voice of reason. Well, Dylan and Mom. He’s really following Mom’s request to take a break,” I scoffed.

  Jack barked out a laugh. “Peege, do you really think after everything, Dylan is going to bail on you? No way. It all may still give me the creeps, if I’m telling the truth, but he loves you. I know that much. He’s letting everyone cool off.”

  “Maybe. I don’t know, Jack; everything is all messed up.”

  “I know,” he whispered and scooted closer. “Soon this will be a distant memory. Maybe we all won’t laugh about it or anything, but you’ll move past it. I’m sure of it.”

  I let a smile curve my lips for the first time since my parents had come back from the Poconos.

  “And I think if you listen to Danielle, really listen, you’ll figure out why she’s so scared.”

  “What do I even say?” He breathed out and raked his hands through his messy hair.

  “How about, I’m sorry I was a jerk and busy with my pity party, but I want you to talk to me about what happened to you? Or something like that.”

  “Pity party?” He squinted at me with his arms folded.

  “Yeah, your three-month-long pity party. It would be nice to finally see you leave, big brother.” I patted his knee before rising from the bench.

  He stood and held out his hand.

  “I’ll walk you to your car.” He crushed me to his chest when I stood. “You’re a little shit all right, but I wouldn’t have you any other way.”

  34

  Danielle

  “Lift your leg.” My eyes darted to Jack’s then quickly focused on his leg. It was long enough to glimpse the discomfort in his gaze. Gone was the easy rapport, the friendly flirting, the candy dates, and the scorching kisses. Now, our conversations were stunted and all business, neither of us knowing how to be in each other’s presence after the fight we’d had.

  After this last session, anything I’d had with Jack would be done and over. He’d head home and finish healing, and we’d part ways. It would be the best thing for both of us.

  He wasn’t even gone yet, and I already missed him. He was still very much the boy I remembered and adored, but that sweet, funny guy had grown into a gorgeous man with a determination I’d never seen before. He’d come such a long way since he’d first arrived, and I was so proud of him. As much as I tried to compartmentalize it as a therapist’s pride for her patient’s progress, it was so much more than that. Jack came into this place broken, angry, and terrified. Would he be able to return to the fire department? There were no guarantees, but I had no doubt he’d keep fighting. He had too much heart. He had a wonderful heart—a heart I couldn’t accept. All the things he’d said were spot on. I was a coward.

  Jack still had a long way to go, but his body was strong and solid. Memories of that hard body pressed against mine, the soft but virile groans erupting from his throat when he’d deepen our kiss, the passion making us forget ourselves for a little while. Now, he wouldn’t spare me a single glance as I tested the dexterity of his leg, bending and raising it while gauging his face for any signs of pain. He chewed on his full, soft bottom lip that I knew tasted as good as it looked. The moments I’d gotten lost in his beautiful mouth as it moved against mine played over and over in my brain on a bittersweet repeat reel. Jack had been honest and never pulled any punches about what he meant or what he wanted. He’d said he wanted me, but while I hadn’t doubted his sincerity, the doubts I’d had about myself and how that could ever really be true were deafening—and I couldn’t hear anything else.

  “You’ve made amazing progress, Jack. How are you feeling today?” The smile faded from m
y lips as his cold gaze met mine. I wasn’t his cheerleader or even his friend anymore. Once I signed this final assessment form, I wouldn’t be his therapist, either. All ties would be cut, as if I hadn’t severed the most important ones already. The friendship, the all-consuming attraction with the thrilling promise of more, the looking forward to something each day. All already gone.

  “I’m fine,” he said as his gaze stumbled on mine but darted away. “This is it, right?”

  Setting down his leg, I nodded as the sting of his words caused my chest to tighten. My hand shook as I filled out the rest of the forms.

  “Yes, it is, Jack.”

  He nodded as the corners of his mouth turned down in a frown. He seemed to hate saying goodbye as much as I did, but we had to. Things had already gone too far. I grabbed the folder on my desk, blinking away the unshed tears so Jack wouldn’t see.

  “Here is the prescription for the outpatient physical therapist. Whichever one you choose should have no problem following along with the instructions. If they have any issues, they can call me—”

  “Got it.” Jack grabbed the paper, still not meeting my eyes. “That’s it? We’re …” He swallowed—the Adam’s apple I loved running my tongue over bobbing up and down. “We’re done?”

  Again, all I could do is nod. “We are. Good luck, Jack.”

  He finally lifted his blue eyes to mine. They were still warm and bottomless and all I wanted to do was to get lost in them again. To revel in the hunger and want I’d seen reflected back at me. So many words dangled, unsaid, between us. His pride had taken a beating after our fight, as had mine.

  He slid off the table, and I yearned to leap into his arms as I begged his forgiveness, but I couldn’t. I needed to detox from Jack, no matter how much it broke my heart.

  Despite everything, I wanted him to ask me again. I wanted him to push me to give us a chance. I’d dreaded losing Jack and even planned for it, but in no way was I prepared for it. Standing before him, the long minute our gazes locked felt like hours.

  Ask me again, Jack.

  His eyes bore into mine, his mouth opening to say something then shutting with a fierce shake of his head. “Thanks, Danielle. I hope … well, I hope someday you can let go of whatever’s holding you back. You deserve more out of life than the scraps of it you let yourself have.”

  The air drained from my lungs as Jack walked away from me. I was frozen and unable to do anything but watch him leave.

  I managed to make it home at a decent hour for a change, clueless as to what the hell to do with myself. I dug into my purse for my phone and dialed my brother.

  “Hey Dani!” Kyle’s incredulous laugh boomed in my ear. “You’re calling me? To what do I owe this honor.”

  “Well, you’ll be happy to know I’m home, not at work … but I fucked up. Can we go get a drink or pizza or something?”

  “How about both? Meet you at Rudy’s in twenty?”

  “Shouldn’t you like check with your wife or something?”

  “Melanie will be thrilled you’re not working late for once and would kick my ass if you sounded this sad and I didn’t come find you. Get in your car, and I’ll see you soon.”

  An unexpected laugh bubbled from my lips. Nag or not, I had the best brother in the world. I had a great job, family who loved me, and friends who still tried to see me despite how I always blew them off. Why couldn’t I move past what Cliff did and take back the rest of my life?

  I didn’t know, but for the very first time, I wanted to give it a try.

  Kyle met me outside Rudy’s, and I didn’t utter a peep until we sat down at a table. When I finally started talking, I couldn’t stop. All my brother could do was nod with a creased forehead.

  “So, that’s it.” I shrugged before taking a long pull from my beer bottle after I went through the entire story.

  Kyle clicked his tongue against his teeth, his tell for mulling things over until he figured out what the hell to say, before rearing back in his chair.

  “Come on, let me have it. Tell me how I got what I deserved for compromising a patient, how I’m lucky I still have a job and how pathetic I am.”

  His lips turned down as he shook his head at me. “You’re a smart, beautiful woman. Why do you do this to yourself?”

  “You’re my brother. You’re supposed to say those things,” I scoffed.

  “No, I’m not. And I’m not the only one who thinks so. Before … that asshole … you always had this light to you. A bounce in your step. You were a tough little pain in the ass, but you enjoyed life. Why is it so inconceivable that Jack really wants you? And more important, why are you letting that fucker you married make you think like that?”

  My chin dropped to my chest before I let out a long sigh. It’d been a year, and it was still painful as hell to talk about it.

  “Kyle, it wasn’t just a fling, or my husband falling in love with someone else and leaving me. This went on for years. Years. From almost the time I met Cliff. I was stupid and a non-factor in my own husband’s life. Clueless and stupid.”

  “Stop it,” Kyle scolded. “He was a coward, not you. A weak jerk who abused your trust because he wasn’t man enough to make a decision. That’s on him, not you. Whether it’s Jack or someone else, you can’t keep using this as an excuse not to move on. If you do, then you’re just letting Cliff dupe you over and over again. My little sister is way too smart for that.” His upper lip curled, and I couldn’t help smiling back.

  “Jack’s gone, though. Or he will be tomorrow. Trust me, I’m the last person he wants to speak to.” I laughed.

  “Tell Jack how you feel. If he still doesn’t talk to you, you can at least say you tried. If you don’t, you’ll never know and always wonder. Make sense?”

  I pulled back and squinted at Kyle. “When did you get so wise?”

  “Birth, you just never noticed.” He kicked me under the table.

  Nothing could feel worse than the lump of awful in my stomach right now. I owed Jack the truth, even if I was too late.

  35

  Dylan

  Two days turned into three. PJ and I communicated via quick texts only. It killed me to pull away from her, and not seeing her face or hearing her voice was inching me toward madness. From what she’d told me, she still wasn’t speaking to her father, and her mother was still playing referee in their silent battle. She was starting college next week and was nervous enough. I trusted Ellie, but I was out of patience.

  I parked up the block from the firehouse and took in the familiar surroundings as I walked through the door. Nick had brought Jack and me to his firehouse countless times over the years. We’d try on his helmet and take turns stepping on the truck. Nick had treated me like family since I was a kid, and while I didn’t regret loving PJ, I wasn’t exactly proud of my actions. A man I’d looked up to for most of my life now hated me.

  PJ had always been close with her father, and her fear of upsetting him was the main reason she’d kept us a secret from her parents. Because of me—and catching us in the worst possible position together—a painful rift had torn them apart. As mad as I knew Nick was, he’d never cast aside his baby, but there was no missing the shame and agony in her eyes as she’d attempted to leave his house.

  This entire situation was fucking awful. It killed me to be away from PJ when I knew she was suffering. I’d promised her I wasn’t going anywhere, and although, I’d stepped back to keep the peace in her family, she probably felt as if I’d deserted her.

  “Hi, I’m looking for Chief Garcia.” The receptionist raised her head.

  “Name?”

  “Dylan.” She nodded without looking back at me and headed to the glass door. I spied Nick at his desk with the phone against his ear, stiffening in his seat. To be this nervous to see a man I’d known since I was six was utterly ridiculous. I’d grown up with his family, and I loved his daughter. PJ and I were a good thing, and I hoped I could make him see that today. Somehow. But either way, this forced hia
tus was over.

  “Go ahead.” She left the door open before returning to her desk.

  I sucked in a breath and stepped into the office, shutting the door behind me before I took a seat in front of the desk.

  “How can I help you?” Nick’s voice was all business and detached. He wasn’t giving me an inch.

  “I’m sorry, Nick.”

  Nick raised his head, his brow crinkled as he leaned forward on his desk. “What exactly are you sorry for? Sorry my daughter won’t come out of her room unless it’s to leave the house? That she won’t speak to me? That, because of you, she lied to us for most of the summer?”

  “I’m sorry you found out the way that you did. I’m sorry we didn’t tell you when it started. Which, I give you my word, was her eighteenth birthday. But I’ll be honest, I loved her before that and did my best to stay away from her.”

  “Am I supposed to commend you for that?” He crossed his arms and drew back, his eyes probing my face.

  “No. I’m sorry I disrespected you and Ellie by sleeping in her room. You’ve been like family to me, and the last thing I wanted was to upset either of you.”

  I took in a deep breath before I continued.

  “I love PJ. I know the age difference bothers you. Bothers Jack, too. But … I need this break to be over. I can’t let her go. And I won’t.”

  Nick blinked before he leaned forward. “You won’t?”