GQ How to Win at Life

by Charlie Burton

  1: BRACE, BRACE, BRACE

  If you are falling from a height – perhaps you have driven off a bridge or the side of a dock – prepare for impact. Keep your hands away from the airbag, gripping the steering wheel at the ten and two positions with your thumbs resting on the edge. “You don’t want to have your thumbs wrapped around the steering wheel as you could injure them,”says Uzzell.

  2: THE WINDOW OF OPPORTUNITY

  Get your seatbelt off. The doors will be held shut by the water pressure, so rush to lower a window – this will be possible for approximately the first 30 seconds, while the car is still floating. Electric mechanisms should work up until that point, “Pretty much all manufacturers have a policy in place that the windows of their vehicles can be rolled down when the car is in water. Once the water reaches the edge of the windows, though, the pressure won’t let them come down any more,” says Uzzell.

  3: ATTACK MODE ON

  Window won’t open? You will have to smash the glass. Take any sharp object or, failing that, your elbow, and attack the edge of the pane. Doing this underwater will cause a torrent of water and glass to rush in, so watch out. If the side windows are laminated safety glass, however, they will be difficult to break. In this instance, head to the back window. “The back window is probably not laminated, though you should plan ahead for your specific car,” says Ehm. The back of the car is also where the final air pocket is going to be as the engine is the heaviest part of the vehicle and will sink first.

  4: THE LAST RESORT

  In the worst-case scenario, if you can’t break any of the windows, wait until the car has completely filled with water. This will equalize the internal and external pressure and allow you to open the door. It will feel heavier than normal. “Try to remain as calm as possible, and relax as much as you can,” says Ehm. That will help your breath last longer. You could easily drown in the process, so leaving earlier via the window is always preferable, not least because the door could be jammed.

  5: THE GREAT ESCAPE

  Once you have an exit point, pull yourself out and push away from the car frame. Swim toward the light – that’s the surface. “If there’s no light, put a hand over your mouth and blow some air out,” says Uzzell. “You should feel the direction the bubbles are going, and orient yourself in that direction.” Once you have emerged, if any part of the car is above the water, climb on top of it, wait for rescue and count your blessings.

  SAVE YOURSELF FROM CHOKING

  Dr Nicholas Hopkinson puts it straightforwardly: “If you’re in a situation where some food has gone down the wrong way, and you can’t breathe and can’t talk – if that isn’t fixed, you’re going to die.” A respiratory specialist at London’s Royal Brompton hospital, Hopkinson has co-authored research on the effectiveness of different techniques for treating blockages. As part of the project, he learned that two major risk times are at Sunday lunch (“Makes sense”) and 7pm on a Wednesday night (“Who knows why that is?”). If you fall victim while alone, here’s the optimum response…

  1: RESPOND FAST

  Try to hack up the blockage. Go outside to get help if you’re somewhere populated.

  2: DASH TO A CHAIR

  No help available? Lean over a chair and position its back just under your ribcage.

  3: APPLY PRESSURE

  Use your arms to pull the chair into your upper abdomen with increasing force.

  4: NO CHAIR IN SIGHT?

  Bunch your fists above your navel and self-administer the Heimlich manoeuvre.

  EVADE PURSUERS USING PARKOUR

  When most people walk down the street they see confinements: staircases, rails, barriers – the lanes in which society tells us it is acceptable to travel. “When you’ve got a ‘freerunner’s eye’,” says Sam Parham, “you see all those things as opportunities – the whole world opens up and nowhere is off limits.” Parham is a champion practitioner of parkour – the art of getting rapidly from A to B with athletics – and its flashier cousin, freerunning. Having won international competitions and bagged a world record (for the furthest double vault), the World Freerunning Parkour Federation athlete is fast racking up stuntman credits including Game of Thrones (2011–), Star Wars: The Force Awakens (2015) and The Edge of Tomorrow (2014). If you ever have to flee an assailant, his moves will give you an edge…

  1: THE WALL RUN

  Sprint at the wall and plant the ball of your foot at the optimum height to transfer horizontal energy into vertical. Parham is 1.7m (5½ft) tall, and he finds 75cm (2½ft) from the ground is about right. Kick once, explosively, to launch upward. Use your hands, palms flat against the wall, to guide you. Reach up to the top ledge with both hands – or one hand if you need extra reach – and use your momentum to kick upward from the wall again, first with one foot and then the other. Push yourself up on your arms and climb over.

  2: THE ROLL LANDING

  If you jump off an obstacle higher than head height, you need to dissipate the energy or risk getting injured. Land on the balls of your feet with your momentum going forward, and immediately bend your knees. Let your hands meet the floor, tuck in your chin and roll forward. “As you’re landing on a hard surface, you don’t want to roll directly over your head and spine,” says Parham. Instead, roll diagonally over your shoulder and down to the opposite side of your lower back. Use your momentum to keep running.

  3: THE CAT LEAP

  If a jump is too far or too high to land on your feet, you could try a cat leap to grab the edge of the wall. From stationary, jump from the balls of your feet, throwing your arms fully forward. Focus on where you are going to land your hands. Midair, bring your feet in front of you to absorb the impact – they need to meet the wall either just before or at the same time as your hands. As you land, bend your knees. Note: you can also do a running jump, but this will result in a heavier landing.

  4: THE SPEED VAULT

  “The speed vault is known to be one of the most efficient routes over a wall, a rail – whatever it might be.” Take off with one foot, about a metre (yard) from the obstacle, and drive the other foot up and over. Unlike traditional hurdling, however, you tilt your body to the side so you don’t have to jump so high. As you fly forward, perform a scissor-kick to put your trailing leg out in front. Finally, put your hand on the obstacle to push your body upright again, before landing on your front foot and running on.

  5: THE PRECISION JUMP

  This is for when you need to “stick” a dangerous landing, so that you don’t topple backward or get carried forward. From stationary, put your toes over the edge of the ledge on which you’re standing and jump, driving your arms forward. Now, bring your legs forward so the balls of your feet meet the target slightly ahead of your body, and bend your knees prior to landing. Bend them further on impact to absorb the shock. But the most important part? Practice. “Sometimes I go out and just do 100 precision jumps, and that’s my training for the day.”

  FEND OFF A DOG ATTACK

  Clint Emerson knows how to handle himself. During his two decades in the US Navy, he conducted special operations internationally. His first attachment was to SEAL Team 3, a group instrumental in the 2003 invasion of Iraq. “I led the platoon that took down gas and oil platforms out in the Persian Gulf,” says Emerson, author of the bestselling 100 Deadly Skills (2015). When he returned to the US, he entered “more of a covert, clandestine world”. He was later assigned to SEAL Team 6, the group that took out Osama Bin Laden. So neutralizing a dog attack? Child’s play…

  1: ASSESS THE THREAT

  Look at the dog’s body language. Warning signs: static tail, head held directly in line with the body, growling, baring teeth and walking toward you. If you see those behaviours, prepare to respond fast. “Dogs tend not to just hang out and wait.”

  2: TRY TO DEFUSE THE SITUATION

  While you shouldn’t run away or turn your back, try slowly backing away. Not working? Make yourself look big – spread your legs and wave your hands in the air
– and shout. See if you can gain a height advantage by climbing on to an obstacle such as a car.

  3: IF AN ATTACK IS INEVITABLE…

  Take off your shirt or jacket and wrap it around your arm. Offer the dog this limb – but try to get it to bite the top of your arm, preferably near the elbow, as it’s less likely to cause a major injury. “If you go further down your forearm, your arteries and veins are far shallower.”

  4: DEFEAT THE DOG

  Don’t rip your arm away or this will cause you injury. Instead, fall on the dog (if this isn’t possible, grip the back of its head). Next, push your arm hard into its mouth – the dog will find this extremely uncomfortable. You can also strike the eyes, the muzzle or behind its front legs, which is a sensitive area.

  5: TREAT YOUR WOUNDS

  If you’ve caused enough pain, the dog will let you go and then you can create distance. You may well be bleeding. First, try elevation and direct pressure to stem the flow. If that doesn’t work, tie a tourniquet above the wound. Seek medical attention as soon as possible.

  SURVIVE A TSUNAMI

  If you hear that a tsunami is on its way, disabuse yourself of the notion that it could be interesting to watch the water roll in. “Sometimes people think it’s a bit of fun,” says Jagan Chapagain, an Under Secretary General at the International Federation of Red Cross and Red Crescent Societies (IFRC). “It happens so rarely that the consequences are just not in people’s heads.” Caused by offshore earthquakes, volcanic activity or underwater landslides, a tsunami wave can measure tens of metres high and carry enormous force. “I was in Japan immediately after the tsunami [in 2011]. It brought utmost devastation to every single thing that came in its way. Human beings, cars, buildings, trees, power lines – absolute devastation.” The Red Cross mobilizes after these disasters. However, a great deal of its work is on preparedness…

  1: IF YOU HEAR A TSUNAMI WARNING, IT’S TIME TO GO

  An earthquake may be the first sign that a tsunami’s coming. “When that happens, listen to your community radio, government radio – keep your ears open – and use online systems.” If a “tsunami watch” is issued, that means a tsunami is possible. You need to get at least 100m (330ft) above sea level or 3km (2 miles) inland. “That’s the time to prepare your family, your pets, and evacuate.” If a “tsunami warning” comes through, that means a wave has been generated. “You have very little time. Grab whatever you can and run.” If you can see the wave, you’re too close.

  2: WATCH OUT FOR NATURAL SIGNS

  Before a tsunami, you may see the ocean retreating from the shore dramatically. “Sometimes hundreds of metres could be dried out. The bigger the length, the bigger the danger sign. The ‘good’ thing is that, if that happens, it takes quite some time for the wave to come to the shore – sometimes a couple of hours.” Also, watch out for animals behaving unusually. “When we’re talking to the local communities, they say that they see that happen every single time.”

  3: IF YOU CAN’T FLEE, TRY TO GAIN HEIGHT

  Higher ground is ideal because even sturdy structures can be demolished by a tsunami wave. If your only option is to run up a building, however, look for something made of concrete, ideally built by the authorities. “Generally in the developed world, where the building codes are strong, if you look at the hospitals, police stations and schools, the quality of construction is good. Though be aware that in many countries the building codes are not followed.” As a last resort, if there are no buildings nearby, scale a strong-looking tree and hope for the best.

  4: IN THE WATER? HOLD ON TIGHT

  If you’re caught up in the floodwater, you’re in trouble. “The one piece of advice is to try to hold on to something.” It may be tempting to climb on top of a car but actually this isn’t advisable: the problem with metal structures is that they can get damaged relatively easily. Chapagain notes that people have survived tsunamis in the past by holding on to trees until they were rescued. Don’t try to swim your way to safety – you have zero chance of success.

  5: DON’T LET YOUR GUARD DOWN PREMATURELY

  It’s a common misconception that a tsunami is simply one giant wave. In reality, it’s likely to be a sequence of waves, arriving as quickly as a few minutes after the first and often with greater magnitude. “But sometimes the wave can come after 10, 12 hours. Wait until the authorities say it’s safe to go back.” That means, even if you’re up a building, it’s advisable to wait there until you have the all clear. When you venture out, keep away from downed power lines and watch out for structures, such as bridges, that could potentially collapse.

  FIND OUT IF YOU’RE BEING FOLLOWED

  Are you being watched? Intelligence professionals routinely use anti-surveillance drills to answer that very question – and in an age where corporate espionage is big business, these can be just as useful to the layperson. “You might be an executive in confidential talks with another company, perhaps, or a journalist meeting a source,” says Peter Jenkins. “It could be wise to carry out some drills to make sure you’re not being followed.” A former Royal Marine Commando specializing in intelligence and counterterrorism, Jenkins now runs the surveillance tuition company ISS Training, which he set up in 1990. Its clients hail from 17 countries worldwide and include diplomatic security teams, national intelligence services, federal police forces and close protection officers. Here’s a mini masterclass…

  1: THE RULE OF THREE

  The following drills are designed to help you identify surveillance teams. But what exactly are you looking for? The main thing is spotting the same person in three different places. The other red flag is unnatural behaviour such as someone gazing into space, talking into their collar or copying your actions. If you are suspicious of someone, note their shoes. “On the move, surveillance teams can easily change their coats, or a female operative could take off her long skirt and have jeans underneath. But the shoes are probably going to stay the same.”

  2: TAKE A WALK

  On foot, head away from the bustle. Look behind you frequently to make checks, but do be covert about it. Methods include doing so while holding a door for somebody, or pretending to push the button at a pedestrian crossing and glancing up and down the road, ostensibly at the traffic. You can also flush out surveillance by walking through “choke points”, such as narrow walkways, or heading into a shopping mall. For the latter, get out of sight and watch the entranceway for suspicious behaviour.

  3: DRIVE THEM OUT

  When you’re in a car, a classic drill is driving “three sides of a square”. Keep an eye on your mirrors as you take the detour shown. If a car stays on your tail throughout, when it could simply have carried on straight down the road, that’s highly suspect. You may not want to alert the surveillance team that you’re on to them, so create a reason for your strange route. “Stop after one of the turns, go to a newsagents, get back in the car and drive off. You have done the same thing but now you’ve made it more covert.”

  4: RIG YOUR PROPERTY

  Those who believe they are under surveillance could buy a motion camera to see if anyone enters their house – but when time is tight, there are some old-fashioned techniques that can also come in useful. You could put a small piece of sticky tape where the top of a door meets the doorframe. Should anyone open the door, the tape will come unstuck but the intruder will be none the wiser. “Or you could brush a piece of carpet one way, and then you’ll see indents in the carpet if someone walks on it.”

  5: SO, YOU’RE UNDER SURVEILLANCE – NOW WHAT?

  Keep a clear head. If you feel endangered, notify the police. You may, however, prefer to call out the surveillance team. Confronting them is an option, but it might be smarter to ask them for the time or directions. “That will really spook them.” Either way, supposing that you do have a secret to protect, you’ll need to be careful from now on. “Certainly what I wouldn’t do, if I were on the move when I detected surveillance, is carry on to where I’m going. Their aim might simply b
e to find out where I end up.”

  LAND A PLANE WITH ENGINE FAILURE

  You’re travelling in a light aircraft. Yes, an engine failure is unlikely. Yes, it’s even more unlikely that the pilot will be incapacitated and it will be down to you to land the plane. But Finagle’s Law dictates that anything that can go wrong, will – at the worst possible moment. So wouldn’t you rather know what you’re doing if it did? We asked Captain Rob Sedgwick for a primer. Sedgwick spent his career flying commercial airliners, including the Boeing 737, 747 and 777. Now, he works at the training company Virtual Aviation. All pilots, he says, have to prepare for scenarios such as engine failures. “When you join an airline, there’s quite an involved simulator course, which basically throws every conceivable ‘non-normal’ situation or fault at you.” Here’s what you would do if it happened for real…