Against the Tide

by Meredith Taylor

JP’s mind was spinning as he rushed back to Ridgemont Estates. He felt like his heart would beat out of his chest.

  Chapter 22

  JP sat on the couch at his parents’ home in Ridgemont Estates the day after he visited Darryn. He had hardly slept at all the night before, and he was sipping a cup of coffee to try and fight off the crushing fatigue he was feeling. He had been replaying the moment he had kissed Darryn on a loop in his mind all night and morning, and he was chastising himself nonstop for doing it. Why would he think that Darryn would be open to kissing him? In truth, JP hadn’t really thought through what he was feeling for Darryn. He had just known that he wanted to be around him, and he knew that he cared for him deeply. But the kiss had revealed something even deeper to him. He was falling for Darryn. He couldn’t stop thinking about him.

  JP rolled his eyes at his own naivety. He was fooling himself if he really thought that he could have some kind of magical happy ending with Darryn. He didn’t even know if Darryn liked guys, and even if he did, why would he like JP after he was the one who had caused all of the problems that Darryn was facing? JP got up from the couch and went to make himself another cup of coffee. His muscles were sore from exhaustion. He rubbed his eyes and yawned deeply. What could he do to get his mind off Darryn? Darryn had made it very clear that he wanted nothing to do with JP, so the only option he had was to try and move on.

  JP suddenly heard a key in the front door, and froze. He knew that his mother was in Johannesburg for a business trip, and he had no idea who could be at the door. He heard someone walk in and the sound of a suitcase being wheeled down the wooden stairs that led from the front door into the main hallway. JP walked towards the front door, and he was shocked to see who had arrived.

  “Hi JP. It’s good to see you,” came the voice down the hallway.

  “Dad? What are you doing back? I didn’t know you were coming home. Does mom know you’re here?” JP asked. He was confused because his mother had made it clear that they were getting a divorce, so he never expected his father to return to the house.

  “She knows I’m here. I’ll stay in the guest room for a few days until she gets back. I just had to come and see you.” His father looked different. JP had always known him to be very disciplined and businesslike. Even though they had spent a lot of time together when JP was younger, his father had become more distant as the years passed. But now, there was something softer about his features. He had gotten a tan, and he was wearing a pair of jeans and a casual shirt. His handsome features and blond hair seemed warmer to JP. “Well, don’t you give your old man a hug after such a long time?” his father asked.

  JP walked up to the man who had become a virtual stranger to him over the past few years, and awkwardly hugged him. “How long will you be staying?” JP asked, trying to seem unfazed by his father’s sudden reappearance.

  “I just left Florence and I’ll be taking a flight out to Munich next week. But I’ll be in town for a while. It’ll be great if you have some time to catch up.”

  JP was resistant. He was still uncertain about how he should act towards his father, and simply said, “I have tests coming up. A big one coming up on Monday, actually. Statistics.”

  His father looked disappointed, but merely shrugged at his son, “You’re busy, I guess. Why don’t you help me carry these bags to the guest room and we can chat for a bit.”

  JP took the larger bag from his father’s hand and let him carry the smaller one to the guest room. They went back into the lounge and JP prepared them some coffee, and they sat at the couch discussing his father’s trip.

  “So, what brings you back home if you still have so much business over there?” JP asked, a hint of resentment in his tone.

  “Can’t a father come home to see his son?” his father said with a smile that seemed forced. JP did not smile back, and waited for his father to speak again. “Well, I’m sure your mom has told you about what’s been happening between the two of us. We’ll be talking through a few things while I’m here. But your grandfather gave me a call. He sounded really upset. He said you’ve been doing poorly in your studies and that you quit the internship he had arranged for you. He wanted me to come and talk to you. He had some strong words for me, in fact.”

  “So you came back to lecture me, too?” JP was indignant and irritable, and his father’s attempt to be casual was not helping matters.

  “I was worried about you, JP. I know I haven’t been around much. But you’re my son, and I care about what happens to you.”

  “Could’ve fooled me,” JP said, feeling anger swell in him. “The last time I saw you was Christmas break, and you couldn’t even stay through New Year. You’ve definitely been showing all of us how much you care. No wonder mom couldn’t take it anymore.”

  His father was controlled after this comment, and did not lash out. He simply said, “Your mother and I have been having problems for a while. We just value different things in life. We’re not supposed to be together. It wouldn’t have made a difference if I had stayed here.”

  “So what about me? You don’t want to be around me either? I know things weren’t good between you and mom, but we used to be close. What happened to that? Why did you decide to abandon us and go to Europe?”

  His father shifted in his seat: “I’m not the man I always wanted to be, JP. I was staying here, with your grandfather always telling me that I’m a disappointment and that I wasn’t good enough to take over the company. But he said that you had what it took. That you were strong. He told me that I would only make you weaker if I coddled you. At the time, I believed him, and I let him take over being a father to you. I was afraid of him, and I thought he knew best. But I regret leaving. By the time I started to realize that I was making a mistake, you were already a grown man. You were someone I didn’t even recognize anymore.”

  JP stood up and shouted, “Nonsense! You don’t just go overseas and forget about your family! Jeez!”

  His father remained seated, but looked up at JP with sadness in his eyes. “I regret it every day. I wish I could go back and do it over. I regret not seeing you grow up. I don’t expect you to understand. When he called me, and he told me that you were turning away from him too… I felt even worse about myself. What if I had left you here to become the Terreblanche man I could never be, and it wasn’t what you wanted either?”

  JP felt emboldened by his father’s display of vulnerability. He was angry at this man sitting in front of him. He looked so small now. JP had always seen him as a hero, and later as some distant disappointment, but now he was just another man who had made mistakes. JP didn’t know if he would ever forgive his father, but he felt a sense of understanding for him in that moment. He said to his father: “There are a lot of things about me that make me far from the ideal Terreblanche man that Oupa wanted me to be. I’m not who he thinks I am. I’ll never be who he wants me to be.”

  “I don’t want you to be that person anymore, JP. That’s what I came here to tell you,” his father said, standing up to face him. “I want you to know that you don’t have to bend to his will. I was too afraid to stand up to him for my whole life. I let him convince me to get out of the way, and I gave up so much to satisfy him. I never want you to do the same. I won’t be the same father to you that he was to me. I’ll love you and respect you no matter who you are or where life takes you.”

  JP felt nervous, but wanted to follow his instincts now before he was too afraid to ever say what he wanted to say. He whispered: “Would you love me even if I told you that I’m gay?”

  His father looked at him surprised. Silent seconds passed. “You’re gay?”

  JP kept his eyes trained on his father’s, determined not to be scared as he spoke. “There is someone, a guy, that I have feelings for. Strong feelings for. I won’t live my life in fear and mess up the chance to be with him. I won’t give up what I really want and who I really am just to be the Terreblanche man that Oupa wants me to be.”

  His father walked c
loser to him, and said, “I will love you no matter what. I’m proud of you for telling me, JP. I just want you to be happy. I always have. And I’m looking forward to meeting this guy some time soon.”

  JP hugged his father tightly. He realized how much he had missed him. Something about telling his father about Darryn had made JP more resolved to go after him. He couldn’t just let the feelings he had for Darryn slip away. He couldn’t just let his actions be the cause of Darryn’s suffering. He had to do something to make it up to Darryn. He had to show him how much he cared.

  His father broke the hug and said to JP, “Come, sit down with me and tell me about this guy. I want to hear all about it.” JP smiled and sat down with his father, talking for hours about their lives, the lives they had both missed out on. After speaking with his father, JP knew what he needed to do anything he could to help Darryn.

  Chapter 23

  Darryn had avoided seeing anyone from Ridgemont after JP visited his house, but he could no longer put off collecting his things from his locker at the stadium. Mario was too angry with him to get his things. He made his way into the locker room, and looked at the majestic swimming pool where he had spent so many hours practising and in competitions. He would miss the feeling of diving into the water, feeling the rush of adrenaline as he swiftly propelled himself through it. He would miss the thrill of competition. And JP’s face flashed in his mind again, like it had so many times. That kiss still lingered in his thoughts. He had no idea what it had meant. Why had he kissed JP back? He was filled with the desire to keep kissing JP on that day in his room, but his rationality had come back to him and he realized what he was doing. The worst part was that it felt good to kiss him. It felt good to be close to him like that.

  Darryn walked into the changing room and opened the locker with his name on it. He collected his things; he removed the picture of Billy holding up one of his gold medals and giving a beaming smile. He felt like he was grieving a terrible loss by emptying out his locker, but he also knew that he had no other choice. The swimming scholarship, while giving him a chance to study at Ridgemont, was not enough to justify the hours he spent practising. He could get another job and put the time to better use. He didn’t need to study at a place like Ridgemont anyway.

  Darryn heard a voice from behind him calling out, “Fredericks.”

  He turned around to look into the face of Coach Tyson, standing with his arms folded and a stern look on his face. Darryn responded, “I’m just clearing out my things, Coach. I’ll be out of here soon.”

  “Why are you doing this, son? One loss is not the end of the world. Was I putting too much pressure on you? I was only trying to encourage you because you’re one of the most promising swimmers we’ve had in years, and I know you can go far.” Coach Tyson walked up to him and his expression softened.

  “It’s just time to move on, Coach. A lot has happened over the past few months. I just don’t have time for swimming anymore.”

  “You know you’ll have to be disqualified from your scholarship,” Coach said, not blinking.

  “I know. I won’t be back at Ridgemont next semester.” Darryn continued packing his things into his backpack, feigning confidence.

  “You need to talk to me, Darryn. This is all so sudden. If you are having problems, there are things that we can do to help you.”

  Darryn turned back to face Coach Tyson, and said sternly, “I don’t need help, Coach. I’ve got it covered. This is my decision and I won’t change my mind.”

  Coach Tyson sighed heavily. “I know how proud you are, Darryn, and you have a lot to be proud of. You’re a resourceful, talented and hardworking guy. But you don’t need to let your pride cause you to lose everything you’ve worked so hard for.”

  Darryn was silent. He didn’t know how to tell Coach Tyson that someone he trusted and cared about was actually the one who had made Darryn lose everything he had worked for.

  Coach Tyson spoke again, this time in a very soft voice: “One of the spots in the finals has opened up. You had the next best time in your race, even faster than some of the guys who made it into the finals. The spot is yours. I advise you to take it. Go in there and do better than them. If you want to turn this all around, go and win the finals and show them what an amazing swimmer you are. Don’t deprive yourself of what you love doing.”

  Still, Darryn was silent. Coach sighed again, clearly exasperated. He tossed a stack of documents on the bench next to Darryn, and said, “Here, have a look at these. You have until Monday to give me a response. I hope you take these opportunities and make the best of them, Darryn. I don’t want to see you throw all of this away.”

  Coach walked out of the locker room leaving Darryn alone. He looked at the documents next to him. The heading on the first page read Approval of Monthly Stipend for Deserving Students. The documents were stamped and signed by Coach Tyson, and Darryn read through them. Ridgemont was offering him enough money to cover his tuition and more money per month than he was earning at his nightly security job. Darryn was shocked, but as he continued reading, his expression changed. One of the lines read: This fund is awarded to students from low-income households, from designated groups, who show promise academically and/ or athletically. Darryn felt distaste grow in him. Those keywords that had always made him nothing more than an outsider, a charity case, were glaring at him from the page. He threw the documents in the bin in the corner of the room, took his bag and walked out.

  ***

  Darryn stormed out of the locker room and bumped into someone he had not expected to see. The short, confused figure in front of him found her composure and greeted Darryn with a warm smile: “Darryn! There you are! Mario said you’d be around today so we thought we’d surprise you.”

  “Allison? What are you doing here?”

  Allison gave Darryn a hug, and punched him on his shoulder. “Aren’t you even happy to see me? You don’t respond to any of my messages, and you leave me to work in that terrible place all on my own without so much as a proper goodbye. What have you been up to, stranger?”

  “I’m sorry I’ve been so distant. It’s just been a crappy few weeks. But I’ll pull things together. How are you?”

  “I’m great! I actually just came here to give you a ticket to opening night.” Allison handed Darryn a ticket for the community theatre’s production of Twelfth Night. “I’ll be making my big debut as Viola. You’ll be there, right?”

  Darryn nodded and forced a smile. He was proud of Allison for making her dream come true. He asked her: “But how did you get into the swimming stadium?”

  “Oh,” she said, “That’s the other thing I didn’t tell you. I’ve been seeing someone. There he is right now. He was just talking to your coach.”

  Mario walked towards the two of them, giving an awkward wave. Darryn gave Allison a look of surprise. “What? The two of you have been dating behind my back?”

  “Well, don’t make it sound so much like a grand conspiracy. We met when he picked you up at Best Burger a few times, and we started chatting. Things progressed from there.”

  Mario walked up to them and said, “I guess the cat’s out of the bag, eh?” Mario put his arm around Allison’s shoulder, and she lay her head against him.

  Allison spoke again, “It’s good seeing you, Darryn. Things are so boring at Best Burger without you. Anyway, I’ll go wait in the car while you guys talk. We can give you a lift, Darryn, so don’t rush off. Mario wants to talk to you in private.” Allison gave Mario a nod and waved a large, dramatic goodbye as she walked towards the exit.

  Mario motioned for Darryn to follow him to the benches next to the pool, and said, “She’s great. We’re so excited for the play, even though I’m not a big fan of Shakespeare. But this one is actually funny. You’ll like it.” Mario sat down on the bench and waited for Darryn to sit down next to him.

  “I’m happy for the two of you. But you should’ve told me you were dating her. That’s big news.”

  Mario replied,
“Well, I wanted to make sure it was a real thing first. It looks like it’s a real thing. You never tell me about who you’re dating either! There must be some beautiful girl you’re keeping secret from me, some action you’re getting, right?” Mario laughed at his comment, and Darryn’s mind flashed to JP.

  “What do you want to talk about?” Darryn asked, trying not to sound confrontational. He had not gotten over their fight from a few days before, but he was trying to be civil with Mario.

  “Did Coach talk to you about the bursary?” Mario asked.

  “Was it you? I wondered who filled in those forms for me. You really should have asked me first, Mario.”

  “What, so you could just shut me down and say that you don’t want to take handouts? Besides, it wasn’t me who filled in the forms. I helped to give him some of your information, but JP was the one who filled them in and had Coach fast-track them for you.”

  Anger flooded Darryn’s face: “Why would he do that? I told him I don’t need his help! He should stop sticking his nose in my business.”

  “I don’t know why he’s putting in all of this effort for you, but he’s being a great friend to you for some reason. Just sign the forms and take the bursary. You know you should be here at Ridgemont, on the swim team with us. This is a great opportunity. And you’ll have some extra money to help Billy get into the school where he needs to be.”

  “Money that they give to poor, coloured kids just to make themselves feel better? I don’t need their guilt money, Mario. You should know me better than that.”

  Mario shook his head. “Do you even know how you sound right now? Do you know that I have the same bursary? It’s the only way I’m able to study here. Are you saying that I’m weak for accepting it and trying to make something of my life?”

  “Mario, you know that’s not what I mean…” Darryn started.

  “It’s exactly what you mean! You think you’re better than taking opportunities. You want to do everything on your own because you think that if you admit that you need some help, it means you’re weak. Do you know how much effort all of us had to go through? And you’re spitting in our faces.”