Crossing the Wide Forever

by Missouri Vaun

  “Oh, so you’re acquainted?” Mr. Taylor seemed pleased.

  “Yes, sir. Mr. Walsh and I were on the same steamship as Mr. Franklin from St. Louis.” Lillie, ever the diplomat, spoke in a friendly manner.

  “Well, how about that. The frontier is shrinking smaller each day.”

  Yes, thought Cody, too small. Cody nodded a silent greeting to Edward, replaced her hat, and followed Lillie out the door.

  “Did what Mr. Taylor said upset you?” Cody held out her hand to Lillie as she tiptoed off the end of the board footbridge in front of the building.

  “You mean the part about a single woman managing on her own?”

  “Yeah, that part.” Cody had to stifle a laugh at Lillie’s playful scowl.

  “I’m choosing to consider it confirmation. It proves that we were right to get married.” Lillie tucked her hand in the curve of Cody’s arm. She leaned into Cody’s shoulder as they sidestepped a mud hole and a passing wagon. “And now together we can do whatever we want without restriction.”

  Cody laughed. “That sounds good to me.”

  *

  Lillie invited Nan and Griffin to join them for dinner later that evening at the hotel. As it turned out, they were all staying at Mr. Noland’s hotel. Following dinner, Lillie had ordered a bath for herself and Cody. After days of less than ideal conditions aboard the steamship, Lillie was anxious for a good soak.

  “Thank you.” Lillie walked the maid to the door after she’d finished adding hot water to the tub. The maid left a kettle on the hearth, hung above the fire to keep it warm in the event Lillie wanted to add more to the bath. Lillie closed the door and surveyed the steaming water.

  “Do you think all of the rooms are this big? With tubs in them?” Cody was standing in the center of the room doing a slow survey.

  Cody had been surprised by the size of the room earlier when they dropped off their luggage. Now Lillie felt compelled to explain.

  “No, I don’t think so. I’ll tell you a secret.” Lillie walked over and squeezed Cody’s arm. “I may have mentioned to the matronly woman who helped me at the front desk that we were newlyweds. So she gave us the honeymoon suite.”

  “This is the honeymoon suite?”

  “Yes, it is.” Lillie was in a playful mood. She twirled around and then began to unbutton her dress so that she could take advantage of the soapy liquid luxury that awaited her only a few feet away.

  “Um…should I leave?” Cody seemed uncomfortable.

  “No, I thought you might want to take a bath after me. Just turn around until I’m in the water if that will make you feel more at ease.” Lillie reasoned that maybe she just wasn’t as bashful as Cody, since she’d grown up with only sisters. She and her sisters had always dressed and undressed in front of each other.

  Lillie piled her clothes on the floor. She’d send them out to be laundered tomorrow. She climbed over the tall side of the deep tub and eased into the hot soapy water.

  “You can turn around now. I’m under.”

  Cody pulled off her boots and socks and her trousers with mud crusted cuffs. She sat in a chair near a small desk in her undershorts and shirt. A lantern was on the desk. The candle flickered from the barely open window casting dancing shadows up the wall behind where Cody sat. She leaned her arm on the desk and smiled at Lillie.

  “What are you thinking?” Lillie lathered a soap bar and swept it up both arms and under her neck.

  “How strange all of this is.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “This.” Cody swept her arm out in an arc. “You and me in the honeymoon suite.”

  “Do you not like it? Do you wish I hadn’t said anything?” Lillie felt her near giddy mood droop as if it had just wilted in the hot water.

  “No, it’s not that…” Cody’s words trailed off. “It’s strange that it feels so…normal. Does that make sense?”

  “Yes, it does make sense. I feel the same way.”

  Cody watched Lillie splash water around to rinse the soap. Mostly only her shoulders broke the surface of the water. But it was impossible not to notice the rise and fall of her breasts, the soft curve of them displacing the water with each movement. Sudden warmth rose in her chest and caused her to look away.

  Lillie’s diary was on the desk near her elbow. She studied the worn cover. There were loose sketches inside, and she was curious to see them, but she hadn’t asked.

  “Would you do me a favor?”

  Cody turned back at the sound of Lillie’s voice. The room was warming up from the fire on the small hearth. The window was open just a few inches, and faint noises drifted up to their room on the first floor from the street just outside—a muted conversation, horse hooves on the packed earth of the roadway, the creak of a wagon passing, and somewhere in the distance, a bell rang.

  “Sure, anything.”

  “Would you help me wash my hair? It’s so much easier with two people. My sister used to pour water over my head after I soaped my hair.”

  Cody ambled over to the tub, dragging the chair behind her. She set the chair at the back of the tub and reached for a pitcher on the floor, probably for just this purpose. She handed the pitcher to Lillie, and she filled it from the tub, then leaned back and closed her eyes. When Cody hesitated, Lillie opened one eye and regarded Cody from her upside-down position.

  “This is when you pour the water.” The corner of Lillie’s mouth quirked up playfully.

  “Right.” The truth was, the view from above of Lillie’s nude body in the bathtub, even though partially obscured by suds on the surface, took her breath away. Lillie’s pale, shapely hips and thighs teased her view. The soft pink circles of Lillie’s nipples were firm and raised, breaking the surface of the water as Lillie shifted her position. A deep ache that had become Cody’s constant companion these nights she’d spent spooned against Lillie’s soft form settled in her gut. She let out a long breath. “Close your eyes.”

  She poured the water slowly from the pitcher. Cody held her hand at the back of Lillie’s head and moved the hair around with her fingers to make sure she got it sufficiently soaked. She repeated this one more time before Lillie started to apply soap.

  “Here, let me.” Cody took over. She luxuriously ran her fingers through Lillie’s long hair, silky with lather. She traced her finger along Lillie’s forehead and around her hairline to make sure the soap didn’t get into her eyes or ears.

  Lillie sighed and allowed Cody to support the weight of her head in her hands. Cody held Lillie’s head in one hand and refilled the pitcher with the other. As she leaned across Lillie, reposed with closed eyes, she thought of stealing a kiss, but she chickened out.

  “This feels nice.”

  “I’m glad.”

  She rinsed Lillie’s hair until Lillie swept her fingers through it and assured Cody that all the soap was gone. Cody fetched Lillie a towel and held it up to offer Lillie a visual buffer as she climbed from the bath.

  “Okay, your turn.” Lillie wrapped the towel around her chest. It hung to mid thigh. Carefully, she lifted the kettle from the fire with a rag and added more hot water for Cody. “I’ll put on a robe while you get undressed.”

  Lillie stepped behind a decorative screen in the corner of the room, so Cody swiftly shucked off her undershorts and shirt and dropped into the water. She sank up to her chin and closed her eyes. She wasn’t sure how long she’d let herself lay submerged when she felt Lillie’s fingers in her hair.

  *

  Lillie watched Cody from across the room until she could stand the distance no longer. Cody’s eyes were closed and her head was against the tall curve at the back of the large claw foot tub. She lightly sifted her fingers through Cody’s hair and Cody opened her eyes.

  “Let me return the favor.” She reached for the pitcher and tried unsuccessfully not to notice Cody’s body beneath the water. Her narrow hips, her long legs, her muscled stomach. She’d never seen Cody in a state of undress. Cody was so shy about it that eve
ry time either of them changed clothes Lillie made sure to look away. She’d imagined what Cody looked like, based on the way her clothes fit, but that wasn’t the same as this.

  Cody leaned forward in the tub so that Lillie could douse her hair without splashing water out the back. The room was dimly lit by the lantern, but even still, Lillie couldn’t stop the gasp that escaped when she saw the upper part of Cody’s back. She quickly covered her mouth with her hand.

  Cody stiffened and gripped the side of the tub as if she were about to bolt out of it. She turned her head partway as if waiting for Lillie to say something.

  Lillie swallowed down the lump in her throat and tried to pretend she hadn’t noticed the scars that crisscrossed Cody’s shoulders. She wanted to know who would do such a thing. She vacillated between wanting to rage against the perpetrator and the urge to pull Cody into her arms and place kisses on every angry mark.

  “Lean back a little.”

  Cody hesitated but then obliged. Lillie wet Cody’s hair and rubbed soap into it. She took her time, savoring the contact and the view of Cody’s small breasts. She could now see why a couple of layers of clothing completely hid their shape from view.

  After a few moments, Cody seemed to relax. She released her white-knuckled grip on the edge of the tub and allowed her fingers to dangle into the water as she draped her elbows on the edge.

  Lillie eventually moved to the fire, where she brushed out her hair while she watched the short flames lick at the charred logs. She heard water sloshing and turned to see Cody was ready to get out of the tub.

  “Can you hand me a towel?” Cody couldn’t reach it without climbing out and revealing herself.

  Lillie retrieved the towel and held it up to offer Cody a shield, just as she’d done for Lillie. Only once Cody was standing, dripping beside the tub, Lillie didn’t release the towel. Instead she rubbed Cody’s hair and gently brushed the towel against Cody’s damp skin. Cody looked down at her with the most soulful eyes, huge and dark and wanting. Droplets of water clung to her lashes.

  Lillie dried Cody’s shoulders, then her chest and her arms. Cody didn’t resist the attention.

  When she reached Cody’s waist, she looked up at her. She wanted to say something, to ask permission, but the look in Cody’s eyes seemed to grant it without her asking, so she kissed her.

  This kiss was different from the ones before. The towel still separated them, but Lillie reached around Cody and found the bare skin of her lower back. She pressed Cody against her. She teased Cody’s lips with her tongue until Cody parted them and took her in.

  Cody stood stiffly against Lillie’s embrace, like a statue, hands at her sides. Maybe the kiss was too much, because Cody pulled the towel up to her neck and stepped away. Lillie hadn’t meant to push Cody, but she so badly wanted to connect on some deeper level.

  “I’ll let you get dressed.” Lillie turned back to the fireplace and watched the flame. She ran her fingers through her hair to dry it. After a moment, she heard the springs of the bed. Cody was lying on her side, facing away from Lillie. After a few minutes, Lillie joined her.

  Cody wasn’t sleeping, and she smiled at Lillie when she lay down.

  “The bath felt good. Thanks for arranging that.”

  Lillie traced Cody’s jaw with her fingertips and then let them fall away. She wanted to say something to make Cody feel more at ease, but she wasn’t sure what had caused Cody to pull away. Was it that Lillie had seen the scars?

  “Cody, I want to be close to you.” She spoke softly, as if asking permission. They were lying on their sides, facing each other, like schoolgirls conspiring. Lillie wondered if she were the only one truly conspiring. Cody seemed so innocent.

  “What does that mean?”

  “I don’t know exactly what it means.” Lillie wasn’t sure how to explain the ache she felt whenever they were physically close—an exquisite torment low in the very core of her being that seemed to have worsened every night they slept together, together yet held apart.

  “I don’t know what comes next, Cody. I only know that I want more than friendship from you.”

  “So do I.” Cody cupped Lillie’s face in her hand and kissed her lightly.

  Cody wondered if there was something Lillie wanted her to do. She was supposed to be the boy in this situation; did that mean Lillie expected her to know things about sex? All she knew of sex was what she’d overheard from her brothers, and that didn’t seem at all helpful, or even the sort of sex she was interested in having with Lillie. Was it sex she even wanted or just affection? She wasn’t sure.

  If she were honest with herself, being close to Lillie scared her. It felt good, but it was also worrying. What if she did the wrong thing? Or what if she touched Lillie in some way she didn’t want to be touched? The risk seemed too great to overcome. She squeezed her eyes shut. But then she felt Lillie’s lips against hers.

  Tentatively, Cody rested her hand on the curve of Lillie’s hip as they kissed. She had the urge to pull Lillie close, but nerves stopped her. Lillie must have had the same impulse because she scooted closer. Their bodies made light contact under the covers, and despite the clothing that separated them, Cody felt her skin temperature rise until her face felt fever hot. She still hadn’t repositioned her hand; she was afraid to move and break the spell. She was overcome with sensations and found it hard to breathe and even harder to think.

  They were quiet for a little while, and Lillie didn’t move away from her. Cody wondered if Lillie had fallen asleep. Her eyes were closed, but then she spoke.

  “I want you to know that I didn’t really plan this when I suggested we get married.” Lillie leaned up on one elbow. She brushed hair off Cody’s forehead. “Men never interested me. I thought maybe I would never be close to anyone…that I would just do my art and be alone.”

  “Lillie, I never expected this either.” Cody wanted to say that she didn’t even know she needed this closeness or desired it. And if she had realized it she wouldn’t have known how to ask for it. She wasn’t sure how to ask even now, with Lillie so close and looking at her as if she could see right through her. “I never expected it, but I like it.”

  “Oh, Cody, I like it too.” Lillie kissed her lightly. She snuggled into Cody’s shoulder and draped her arm around Cody’s waist.

  The position was so innocent yet at the same time so intimate. Cody settled on her back and put her arm around Lillie’s shoulders drawing her close. She held Lillie, feeling stiff and awkward but excited at the same time. She gave herself over to it all. Feeling more vulnerable and undefended with each passing night, she knew she was beginning to let Lillie in.

  Chapter Sixteen

  Lillie wasn’t sure what time it was when she put on her robe and tiptoed next door to the water closet. It was early to be sure. No one was about except a chambermaid carrying linens down the long narrow hallway lined with doors.

  She closed the door softly when she returned to their room. Cody hadn’t stirred. She was lying on her back, a tantalizing glimpse of her chest visible at the opening of her nightshirt. Pink strands signaling the sunrise reached across the sky. Lillie opened the curtains to allow the early morning light into the room.

  She settled into the chair near the window and watched Cody sleep. As daylight sifted through the room, a swath softly lit Cody’s face. Lillie opened her diary and took out a couple of sheets of white drawing paper. She used the stiff diary as an easel, braced on her knee. She propped her foot on the edge of the desk and began to sketch. It was such a luxury to study Cody as she slept, to notice every subtle shadow of her face and neck. It was humorous now to think she hadn’t discovered Cody’s secret sooner, despite the disguise of men’s clothing. Her features were strong, her jaw square and tanned, but her eyes and her lips were distinctly feminine.

  She shuddered as she darkened the shading with the pencil around Cody’s lips. Those lips she feared she would never tire of kissing.

  Lillie laid the paper and penc
il aside on the desk and disrobed to crawl back into bed with Cody.

  As she slipped under the covers, Cody stirred and rolled over, exposing part of her shoulder to Lillie’s view. Propped on one elbow, she gently pulled the loose nightshirt down farther so that she could see Cody’s back. She covered her mouth so as not to utter a sound. Cody’s entire back bore red raised scars as if she’d been cut or whipped.

  Hot tears burned at the corners of Lillie’s eyes. She tried to choke them back.

  Beside her, Cody shifted again. She turned her head to regard Lillie, her eyes heavy lidded with sleep. Cody blinked and then recognition dawned on her face. She tugged the loose fitting shirt up so that her shoulder was no longer exposed.

  Cody turned away from her without a word.

  “Cody, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to upset you.” Lillie put her hand on Cody’s shoulder, and Cody flinched.

  “Don’t.”

  “Don’t what?”

  “I’m sure it looks terrible and ugly. I didn’t want you to see.”

  “Cody, it’s not ugly.” Lillie snuggled up next to Cody’s back and draped her arm across her middle. “Will you talk to me about it?”

  “There’s nothing to talk about.”

  “Will you at least tell me how this happened? How you got the scars?” Lillie wanted to know everything about Cody. The good, the bad, everything. Everything that collectively made Cody who she was.

  “My father.”

  Lillie lay in shocked silence.

  She couldn’t imagine her father doing such a thing to her or her sisters. She couldn’t imagine any parent doing such a thing. It was beyond her ability to comprehend something so egregious. She’d noticed days earlier that Cody never really spoke of her father, but she hadn’t had a chance to follow up and ask.

  “Why—” She started to form the question, but Cody cut her off.

  “There’s no why for that sort of thing is there? There’s no understanding it. He’s a mean drunk, and that’s the story of it.” Cody rolled onto her back, sighed, and looked at the ceiling. “A person who becomes a drunk sort of ceases to exist. Whatever they say, whatever they do, it’s just the whiskey talking.” Cody wiped at a tear that left a wet path on her cheek. “Sometimes I’d see flashes of who he’d been. Sitting across the table caring who I was. Remembering that I was a child of his own flesh. For a minute, things would be okay, but the moment didn’t last, because the whiskey was always there, waiting.”