Book Read Free

Several People Are Typing

Page 7

by Calvin Kasulke


  Deal.

  Deal?

  tripp

  :thumbsup:

  Beverley

  :thumbsup:

  Nikki

  :thumbsup:

  Beverley

  But where can we go where we can be sure no one else from the office will :eyes:?

  Nikki

  Midtown

  tripp

  midtown

  Beverley

  Midtown.

  Nikki, pradeep, Louis C

  Nikki

  Hey @pradeep is it cool if I get you those logo designs tomorrow morning?

  pradeep

  sure that should be fine

  you slammed?

  Nikki

  I have to leave early.

  Louis C

  Is everything all right?

  Nikki

  Oh yeah, it’s just

  Tripp

  and

  Beverley

  are

  100% FUCKING EACH OTHER.

  pradeep

  yooooo­ooooo­o

  Louis C

  Do you have confirmation?

  Nikki

  [Screen Shot 2019-02-04 at 03.16.00 PM]

  CONFIRMED

  pradeep

  omg

  Louis C

  Yooooooooo

  pradeep, gerald

  pradeep

  I don’t know what I was expecting

  gerald

  what?

  pradeep

  Just figured it was worth a shot, you know?

  gerald

  what was

  pradeep

  I got hold of a pair of those google glasses

  and I brought a VR headset from my apartment

  I even borrowed a pair of snapchat spectacles from a friend who got laid off from there a while back and stole a bunch of them on his way out

  gerald

  I see

  to try and, like

  pradeep

  upload you back in your body

  gerald

  transfer me back in my body

  right

  pradeep

  yeah

  gerald

  no luck?

  pradeep

  I mean, obviously

  gerald

  I guess I would’ve noticed

  pradeep

  this was a dumb idea

  gerald

  no, I think it’s smart

  disruptive, as doug would say

  pradeep

  I don’t know how I thought sticking different wearables on you was going to get you back in your body

  gerald

  through a headache?

  pradeep

  idk

  I’m gonna leave the glasses on you, though

  gerald

  because maybe the upload back into my body is like

  buffering or something?

  pradeep

  mostly because it adds a layer between me and your dead-eyed stare

  tbh the frames actually fit your face really well

  gerald

  deepu, man, I appreciate you trying

  pradeep

  I dunno man, maybe I should just bring you to a hospital

  or call Slack tech support

  or something

  gerald

  actually

  I think I’m okay

  okay exploring what being in here is all about, I mean

  for just a little while

  I mean if you don’t mind forging some more checks from my checkbook

  to cover the time

  pradeep

  and diapers

  gerald

  and diapers

  pradeep

  you sure?

  gerald

  I think so.

  Yeah.

  this is

  pretty okay

  for the moment

  pradeep

  it’s a lot of diapers

  gerald

  cut a bigger check

  #brainstorming

  Louis C

  Thank you to everyone who helped craft the final paragraph of the ambassador’s press release about her “childcare incident”

  which I was struggling with last week.

  The client loved it. Practically no edits to the copy.

  A small victory.

  lydia

  Did they ever find the baby??

  Louis C

  More importantly, they found her child safe and sound. She was in the Asiatic black bear enclosure.

  Fortunately, it’s hibernation season.

  lydia

  yay!!

  kerolyn

  :tada:

  That’s great news, Louis.

  tripp

  nice job!!

  Louis C

  Hold your applause, please. I didn’t find her.

  kerolyn

  Maybe our press release inspired whoever *did* find the baby

  Louis C

  Anything is possible.

  pradeep

  hey all

  I know everyone’s pretty swamped today

  do folks have a sec to gut-check an idea I have for this memo?

  lydia

  [memo_time.gif]

  posted using /giphy

  omg

  I’m so glad they had a gif for that!!

  kerolyn

  go for it!

  pradeep

  it’s for Schimply

  which isn’t a big brand name itself but they make goods and stuff, they’re one of those companies that own a bunch of different brands

  tripp

  paper towels, dry erase boards, industrial-grade rubber tubing

  pradeep

  exactly

  so Schimply is refreshing their social media presence

  “overhaul” is the word they used, actually.

  so I want to suggest something Big, you know

  Louis C

  Makes sense.

  tripp

  they all love Big ideas until they don’t

  pradeep

  and minimalism is still in, right?

  lydia

  kind of…

  kerolyn

  mostly

  where are you going with this?

  tripp

  I think it’s looped back around

  there’s pushback to the pushback against minimalism

  you’re probably good for another…six months?

  kerolyn

  four

  tops.

  pradeep

  that might be all we need.

  I’m thinking we change their display name on twitter to “Buy Schimply products”

  maybe on the rest of their social media accounts too, but definitely twitter

  would LinkedIn let them do that?

  Louis C

  Not usually.

  kerolyn

  actually

  we might still have some connections over there.

  tripp

  I have a friend who can help with that

  I’ll DM you the
ir number

  kerolyn

  of course you have a guy

  classic.

  tripp

  :tada:

  lydia

  lol

  Louis C

  Please continue Pradeep, I like where this is going.

  pradeep

  So that’s their display name, right? A call to action to buy their shit

  or, products, rather

  sorry @kerolyn

  kerolyn

  go on

  pradeep

  And for all the copy text on their twitter we just use, like, emojis

  like a single emoji

  maybe two or three,

  tops

  and then just add the link to buy whatever product they’re selling in that tweet

  idk is that dumb

  tripp

  yes

  it’s also genius.

  Louis C

  Seconded.

  lydia

  suuuuuuper bold. but a really inventive strategy!

  I think it’s got legs

  is there a legs emoji??

  kerolyn

  you could pull some interesting analytics to learn which emojis garner the highest clickthroughs

  put it in the memo.

  pradeep

  got it

  thanks @channel!

  lydia

  :runner: is probably closest??

  idk

  we need a legs emoji!

  tripp

  :thumbsup:

  rob

  hey all

  can anyone give this a quick copyedit?

  it’s for Bjärk dog food so it needs a pretty quick turnaround

  lydia

  exciting!!

  I can look

  kerolyn

  yeah I can look

  Louis C

  Running to an on-site meeting but I can give it a quick glance-over on mobile.

  rob

  thanks all

  just going to copy-paste it here

  [BJÄRK INSTAGRAM CAPTION: UNPUBLISHED DRAFT]

  Head out to the dog park, Deena. Bring your dog. If you don’t have a dog yet, get one, and justify your obsession with talking shit about our dog food on the internet. Then take a walk out to the dog park. Meet yourself a man. Or a woman. Neither, both, some. Whatever you’re into, Deena, just get all up in it. Get married. If you’re already married, and we both know you’re not, but even if you are, simply start an affair, ruin your preexisting marriage—don’t worry, you have a new and healthy and well-fed dog who’s getting their Six Key Nutrients™ to get you through the divorce proceedings, Deena!!—and get married again. Anything to take up your time. Anything to keep you from retweeting conspiracy theories about the Bjärk CEO’s vendetta against Pomeranians stemming from a traumatic dog show incident in his childhood. Deena. Deedee. Can I call you Deedee? Deedee. Listen. Please. [LINK TO BJÄRK WEBSITE IN BIO]

  …

  thoughts on this??

  lydia, gerald

  lydia

  hey!! sorry, I’m running a little late today

  I totally missed my alarm! Mega-super-ultra overslept!

  But I was up super late last night!!

  gerald

  was it because of the howling

  lydia

  there was all this *howling* still!

  Yes!

  How did you know?

  gerald

  do you live near an animal shelter, or something?

  lydia

  I can feel the echoes in the hollow of my chest! It’s coming!

  gerald

  what?

  lydia

  Sorry, I’m on the train in right now, so cell service is a little spotty!

  Anyway! We need 200 tweets for Bjärk

  gerald

  what??

  lydia

  oh no, did my message not go through?

  gerald

  200 tweets?

  lydia

  it did go through! whew.

  You and Rob are doing SUCH good work and I think it’s really important we *totally* impress the client with options for their social platforms! Hundreds and hundreds of options!

  gerald

  that’s so many tweets

  lydia

  It’s so many tweets!

  Bummer! My train just stopped

  I think we’re close enough to a stop that I still have service, are you seeing this message?

  gerald

  yeah no you’re good

  lydia

  It found me!

  Even down here, cradled deep beneath the earth, it found me!

  The howling found me!

  Bummer!!

  gerald

  is everything okay?

  lydia

  The lights went out!

  The train is stopped!

  The tunnel is full of howling and the train car is full of howling and my marrow! is full of howling!!

  I still really need you to write those tweets though!!

  gerald

  I mean, sure

  I’m on it

  do you want me to mention the howling in the copy, or

  lydia

  It’s like it’s hunting me! Haunting me! Hunting me! Haunting me!!

  gerald

  when did you say you need the tweets by?

  Beverley, tripp

  Beverley

  Bowling?

  lol

  tripp

  are you asking?

  I :thumbsup: bowling

  Beverley

  *You* were going to ask *me* to go bowling.

  tripp

  looks like *you* just asked *me* to go

  I’m actually pretty :thumbsup: at bowling

  Beverley

  :eyes:

  yeah?

  tripp

  we had a league back in college

  but we never :thumbsup: a tournament because my friend Allan would intentionally roll gutterballs

  so he could hustle other students for $$$ at the lanes after we lost

  Beverley

  That’s :dusty-stick:

  tripp

  he mostly wound up beating engineering grad students

  and weirdly a lot of them paid in bitcoin instead of cash

  before bitcoin’s value exploded

  Allan cashed out of the market a few years ago for something in the mid-seven figures

  so it actually :thumbsup: for him

  Beverley

  Is that why you :thumbsup: go bowling?

  tripp

  *I* wanted to go bowling?

  Beverley

  Nikki told me.

  tripp

  she shared those messages with you??

  Beverley

  You :eyes: in her DMs!

  tripp

  lol it was an accident!

  Beverley

  But I get why you wanted to go bowling next week.

  It’s like an un-valentine’s day thing, right?

  tripp

  I think it could be :thumbsup:!!

  Beverley

  With the added benefit that we can avoid any :eyes: about us?

  tripp

  do you :eyes:
any :eyes: about us?

  Beverley

  :dusty-stick:

  Do *you* :eyes: any :eyes: about us?

  tripp

  :dusty-stick:

  Beverley

  :thumbsup:

  tripp

  :thumbsup:

  Beverley

  That’s a relief.

  tripp

  same

  Beverley

  I :thumbsup: this.

  whatever “this” is.

  tripp

  same!

  so are you :thumbsup: monday for bowling?

  Beverley

  lol

  tripp

  is that a :thumbsup:?

  #bjärk-dog-food

  rob

  @here hey all, quick process question

  kerolyn

  what’s up

  rob

  I know we don’t technically manage the Bjärk social media channels full-time

  kerolyn

  correct.

  not within our scope of work.

  rob

  Right, but I was just scheduling some of our posts for them

  and I saw they had a few unanswered DMs

  idk, this is weird

  one of them is from a woman named Margie

  doug smorin

  hmm

  sounds like scope creep

  kerolyn

  yeah one-on-one social media interaction with their customers isn’t in scope

  rob

  I didn’t respond to her message or anything, I just thought it was funny because of the customer profiles from the brief, you know

  anyway I read the DM she sent to the Bjärk account and she said she was “the Margie”

  *the* Margie

  which like, how could she have even known about the Margie thing without reading the brief

  kerolyn

  did you respond?

  rob

  no

  kerolyn

  good

  doug smorin

  no scope creep

  rob

  I just thought I’d flag it here

  kerolyn

  it’s out of scope

  rob

  see if we wanted to do anything about it

  kerolyn

  it’s out of scope

  rob

  :thumbsup:

  #nyc-office

  doug smorin

  has anyone noticed

  did the bodega next door to our building close

  pradeep

  Food Palace Beer Lotto 24/7?

  doug smorin

  yes

  pradeep

  yeah it closed

  lydia

  nooo!!

  kerolyn

 

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