Several People Are Typing

by Calvin Kasulke

  oh yeah I saw that

  tripp

  they shut down like last week

  doug smorin

  how

  kerolyn

  what do you mean how?

  doug smorin

  how does a bodega just

  close

  it’s a bodega

  Louis C

  Some businesses fall on hard times.

  doug smorin

  it’s a bodega

  it fulfills a need

  Nikki

  Maybe there was a health code violation or something?

  tripp

  no I think they had a “going out of business” sign taped up on the door

  doug smorin

  that’s impossible

  it’s a bodega

  it serves a purpose

  pradeep

  their iced coffee was weirdly good

  lydia

  it was!!

  doug smorin

  it’s a permanent feature of the ecosystem

  like traffic

  or the wind

  kerolyn

  you seem really broken up about this

  doug smorin

  i need chapstick

  Beverley

  A new drugstore opened around the corner actually, I :eyes: on my way over from the train!

  kerolyn

  ooh good flag

  doug smorin

  this shouldn’t be happening

  pradeep, gerald

  pradeep

  do you ever miss smells?

  gerald

  huh.

  I guess I mostly miss, like, my legs?

  and stuff?

  but yeah, nothing smells here

  fuck

  pradeep

  that makes sense.

  gerald

  fuck.

  pradeep

  did I do the thing where I made it worse

  sorry.

  gerald

  you didn’t make it worse.

  you reminded me it’s worse than I remembered it was.

  there’s a difference

  pradeep

  If it makes you feel any better, you smell terrible in real life

  gerald

  why would that make me feel better

  pradeep

  well, it would make us even, more like

  gerald

  got it

  pradeep

  in terms of feeling bad.

  gerald

  have you been washing me?

  pradeep

  when you get dusty

  gerald

  I get dusty??

  pradeep

  it’s not like you’re doing a lot of moving around

  unless I flip you or move you from your chair to the futon and back

  which I don’t like to do as much because you’re all dusty

  gerald

  just “dusty” or “all dusty”?

  I feel like there’s a difference

  pradeep

  look, I have to feed you and change you and spray you with axe

  gerald

  ugh, axe??

  pradeep

  because of the smell

  when I ran out of your cologne

  gerald

  you wasted all my cologne??

  pradeep

  sure, keep complaining to the guy who’s keeping you alive

  it’s not like I even enjoyed the cologne

  it just smelled *slightly* better than you

  gerald

  that stuff was great

  pradeep

  it smelled like someone wrapped one of those fruit-flavored condoms around a cigar and tried to smoke it

  gerald

  that was my signature scent

  pradeep

  I’m starting to see why you didn’t think to miss smells

  anyway

  I have some news

  gerald

  besides the cologne

  pradeep

  besides that yeah

  I moved your futon

  gerald

  redecorating my apartment?

  pradeep

  my apartment

  gerald

  ??

  pradeep

  don’t get mad

  I moved your futon to my apartment

  gerald

  ???

  that’s stealing??

  pradeep

  along with your body

  gerald

  ?????

  and that’s kidnapping????

  pradeep

  I hired some movers

  well, *you* hired some movers, technically

  gerald

  fucking

  pradeep

  it’s not kidnapping if movers do it

  gerald

  is my body okay??

  why did you do this

  pradeep

  your body’s the same

  fine and also not-fine

  gerald

  sure

  pradeep

  and you seem pretty cozy in there

  and if we’re not sending your body to a hospital or a lab

  or a daycare

  gerald

  our benefits package definitely doesn’t cover childcare

  I know, I asked the ops intern

  pradeep

  anyway one of my roommates moved out

  so I figured, hey

  shorter commute to check in on you

  gerald

  sure

  okay

  I just

  processing all this

  pradeep

  you seemed pretty not in a rush

  gerald

  it’s pretty existentially terrifying

  but

  you know how sometimes being alive feels like this terrible cycle of eating and shitting and eating again and shitting again

  until you die?

  this is kind of a nice break from that

  pradeep

  not for me it isn’t

  gerald

  I still want to get out,

  and back in my body

  and be me again

  eventually

  pradeep

  sure

  I can still help

  until I find a new roommate

  who can like, wash themselves

  then I’m dropping you off at a hospital

  gerald

  fuck

  pradeep

  because at a certain point this is just kidnapping, kinda

  gerald

  okay

  I guess that’s a fair timeline

  pradeep

  and you’re paying rent, obviously

  gerald

  right, just

  keep forging those checks for me

  I appreciate the time you’re taking

  pradeep

  it’s only a few hours a week

  kind of like a shitty, gross hobby

  gerald

  thanks

  pradeep

 
actually I’m thinking of signing up for a pottery class in the spring

  gerald

  that sounds nice

  pradeep

  yeah

  the movers were surprisingly cool with moving the futon with you on it

  gerald

  what did you tell them

  pradeep

  they didn’t ask

  #gents-only

  rob

  quick survey

  tripp

  if we answer, will we be :thumbsup: for a prize?

  pradeep

  :dusty-stick:

  tripp

  I didn’t deserve that

  rob

  cool, so back to my original question:

  is there a second part to the phrase “time waits for no man”?

  Louis C

  Wrong channel, friend.

  rob

  it has to do with a date

  Louis C

  In that case, I rescind my above chastisement.

  Please continue.

  rob

  does anyone know if there’s another half, or another part, of that idiom?

  one that’s in common use

  tripp

  not that I can think of??

  pradeep

  nope. sorry man

  Louis C

  I’m drawing a blank, too.

  However, sometimes other cultures have variants on ancient or commonly used aphorisms. Which may be the cause of what I presume was your date’s unfamiliar addition?

  doug smorin

  ^^^ louis makes a good point.

  Louis C

  Do you know where she’s from?

  rob

  dayton

  Louis C

  Culturally?

  rob

  dayton, ohio.

  Louis C

  In that case, I rescind my above suggestion.

  doug smorin

  did I miss something, or have we discussed what the phrase in question actually was

  tripp

  I’m on the edge of my seat

  :eyes:

  @rob??

  rob

  sorry, impt email came through

  anyway

  I was heading to this date

  and the trains were fucked up so I apologized to her for being a little late and at some point in my apology I said “time waits for no man”

  and she says “unless you have the amulet”

  like it’s the most normal thing in the world

  and she even repeated it because I thought I heard her wrong, so she said the whole thing

  pradeep

  “time waits for no man, unless you have the amulet”?

  rob

  that’s what she said

  tripp

  casual

  rob

  is it??

  tripp

  no, not at all

  imo

  other folks may disagree, but I’ve never :eyes: it

  doug smorin

  did she say which amulet

  rob

  would that make a difference??

  are there different idiom-amulets I should know about??

  tripp

  I think you’re overreacting just a :thumbsup: my dude

  pradeep

  let’s do a poll

  :clock1: for yes, :x: for no

  who @here has ever heard that phrase before, in full

  tripp

  :x:

  pradeep

  :x:

  Louis C

  :x:

  rob

  :x:

  doug smorin

  :x:

  rob

  SEE?

  this is bonkers, right?

  like, completely bananas

  Louis C

  Maybe it’s a variation on the phrase her family uses.

  Or an inside joke.

  Maybe it’s a Dayton, Ohio thing.

  pradeep

  lol maybe but that’s wild, man

  did you ask her to explain what she meant?

  about the amulet

  rob

  I tried but she kinda brushed it off

  saying stuff like “facts are facts”

  and then our waiter came over to ask about drinks or whatever and the conversation just moved on from there

  pradeep

  [yeesh.gif]

  posted using /giphy

  dang

  tripp

  idk I still don’t :eyes: that’s that weird

  doug smorin

  agree

  tripp

  on the scale of wild NYC date stories, “unless you have the amulet” doesn’t meet the minimum criteria for a “weird” date

  Louis C

  Assuming everything else went well.

  rob

  *that’s* the weird part

  it did

  Louis C

  I fail to see the problem here.

  rob

  for our next date she said she wants to show me the amulet

  tripp

  *her* amulet?

  rob

  idk

  pradeep

  is that a euphemism

  rob

  that’s kind of what I’m trying to assess

  Louis C

  Only one way to find out.

  tripp

  are you :thumbsup: on the date?

  rob

  I mean, why not

  at this point

  Louis C

  Do please follow up about the amulet.

  pradeep

  or don’t

  you know

  depending

  Louis C

  In which case, I rescind my above suggestion.

  #nyc-office

  Louis C

  Hi all, it appears the missus and I both caught the same stomach bug the twins had last week.

  I’ll be WFH today as to spare you all my germs; as always, I’ll be online and reachable in the usual ways.

  Appreciate your flexibility here.

  kerolyn

  feel better Louis!

  Louis C

  Thank you

  kerolyn

  actually I’m feeling under the weather too, so I’m also wfh today

  think I caught that virus that’s been going around

  I got the flu shot, I don’t deserve this

  Louis C

  Get well soon!

  kerolyn

  will be offline for an hour later to stop by my doc who miraculously had an opening

  but otherwise reachable

  Beverley

  Feel better you guys!

  pradeep

  hey all, I’m also feeling not great

  I have a slight fever

  I think I got whatever Gerald has

  gerald

  I’m sick??

  pradeep

  probably some DayQuil will fix it but I’m gonna WFH just to be safe

  gerald

  I mean I’m obviously “WFH” also but I didn’t know I was sick??

  kerolyn

  how?

  gerald

  because I’m not in my body still?

  Louis C

  @pradeep have you and Gerald been
hanging out after work this whole time?

  pradeep

  something like that

  gerald

  deepu please let me know if I’m okay

  also that you’re okay

  both

  pradeep

  :thumbsup:

  DayQuil for everyone

  lydia

  So sorry everyone, but I also don’t think I can make it in today!!

  rob

  so this is going to sound fake, too

  gerald

  :dusty-stick:

  rob

  but I woke up and spat out a tooth earlier this morning

  Beverley

  omg

  kerolyn

  a *tooth*??

  rob

  yeah

  it was pretty grim

  lydia

  It’s just, the howling has gotten *so loud*!!

  Louis C

  Which tooth?

  rob

  a big one

  one of the main teeth

  idk tooth names

  pradeep

  yikes

  Beverley

  :eyes:

  rob

  so I scheduled an emergency dentist appointment in a few hours, meaning I am also WFH today

  lydia

  at first it sounded like it was coming from outside and then I thought maybe just something was wrong with the phones, but now it’s everywhere??

  rob

  not sure how online I’m going to be this afternoon, depending on the cause of the tooth

  pradeep

  or lack of tooth

  rob

  precisely

  lydia

  and I don’t want to be a pest!!

  because I know I keep bringing this up!!

  the howling!!

  but I went outside to get away from it but it seems like it’s following me??

  everywhere?? I?? go???

  Nikki

  Get well soon, Rob!

  rob

  thank you

  @lydia are you doing okay?

  Beverley

  Weirdly, I have a few previously scheduled appointments today

  Figured I’d :thumbsup: them all at once, you know?

  lydia

  it’s like it’s coming from inside of me!!

  like the echo from the constant howling is reverberating inside my rib cage??

  but instead of getting softer and more distant it just grows louder and more like, present??

  even though it feels like it’s coming from everywhere outside of me but also from within me at the same time??

  you know that feeling??

  like my skeletal structure is just an instrument for the howling to blast through and soon it’ll burst through sinew and bone and rupture my flesh beyond recognition??

  Beverley

  So I am also WFH except when I’m offline from 2-4:30!

  lydia

  so I don’t think I can make it in today!!