The One You Feed

by Renee Miller

  She scowled, remembering their first weeks together in that shitty bachelor apartment. Suddenly struck by the ridiculousness of her reasoning to this point, Hayley found her old anger and held tight to it. The old Hayley wouldn’t have been okay with a husband who only touched her when he deemed her worthy, or who only whispered words of love when she threatened to leave. The old Hayley would have left long ago, or demanded better. How did she get back to what she used to be and still have Connor in her life?

  CHAPTER 47

  October 1998

  Ronny paced the kitchen. Now and then he glanced at Hayley, frowned, and resumed his pacing. Dana sat next to her daughter, praying that Connor arrived soon. If he didn’t, Ronny would find him and kill him.

  “Dad, sit down. You’re making me dizzy. I’m okay. Connor’s right. It’s probably a false alarm.”

  “It’s not a false alarm.”

  “It took Brooke forever to have Sadie. Devon had to make four trips to the hospital before they’d admit her, and even then, she was in labor for fourteen hours.”

  “And Devon made those four trips because he knows you can’t predict this shit. He never questioned her when she said the baby was coming. If you say you’re in labor, then Connor needs to get his ass home.” Ronny paused to look out the window for what Dana thought must be the hundredth time. “Selfish little cocksucker. If anything happens to this baby because of his stupidity, I swear—”

  “It’ll be okay, Dad.” Hayley gripped Dana’s hand as another contraction tore through her body.

  Dana checked the clock, panic rising. “Honey, they’re only seven minutes apart now. If he doesn’t get here soon, we’ll have to go without him.”

  “I don’t want him to miss it. He’ll be so upset.”

  “He should have thought about that three fucking hours ago,” Ronny snapped. “Jesus, he left you sick and alone last month. What would have happened if your mother hadn’t stopped by?”

  “He didn’t know I was that sick. I told him I’d been throwing up. That’s all,” Hayley panted through the pain.

  Dana’s heart ached. She was always making excuses for Connor. It reminded Dana of her early years with Garrett and the thought chilled her; that her daughter had followed the same path—and that it could get far worse—was unbearable.

  “We’ll give him until you’re six minutes, okay?” Dana said.

  “The doctor said four,” Hayley said. “We’ll give him until four minutes.”

  “We’ve got a thirty-minute drive to get to the hospital. A lot could go wrong if we wait too long.” As Dana spoke, the door opened and Connor walked in.

  He set his hockey bag down next to the table. He smiled. “So? Are we going?”

  “Where the hell were you?” Ronny asked. “She called you three hours ago.”

  Connor’s body stiffened when Ronny drew near. He was scared of Ronny. It pained Dana to know that the two most important men in Hayley’s life never liked each other. They should both realize what this nonsense was doing to her.

  Connor glanced at Hayley and scowled. “I told you I was playing a tournament. You said it was no big deal.”

  “I told you it was real this time, but it doesn’t matter. I think that one was closer.”

  Dana jumped up and grabbed Hayley’s coat from the hook on the wall. “Yes, it was. Connor, do you have her bag in the car?”

  “No, I came straight here. She didn’t tell me about any bag.”

  Ronny cursed. Dana struggled to keep her temper as well. “Okay, I’ll take your keys, Hayley. Ronny and I will stop at your place and get it. You guys just go. She’s not going to make it in time if we wait.”

  Connor waited for Hayley to stand. Dana swallowed a sharp rebuke when he didn’t try to help her walk. Christ, did he understand what labor was like? Obviously not.

  Connor sighed. “I’ll be glad when that kid is out and you can move a little faster. You’re like a cow with a sore hoof.”

  Dana put her hand over Ronny’s mouth. She shook her head and followed Hayley and Connor out the door.

  —

  “Could you drive a little faster?” Hayley asked. She didn’t know how long this labor would last, but she knew she couldn’t do it for thirty-six hours as her aunts so kindly told her was likely to happen. Her belly felt like she’d swallowed a basketball that someone kept inflating from the inside. Her back was on fire, every contraction making it twist and burn.

  Connor sipped his coffee. “The speed limit is eighty kilometers, and I’m not getting pulled over.”

  There was little traffic on the road, a car or a truck passed occasionally, but for the most part they were alone. Connor could have gone faster, but he didn’t seem rushed at all. He’d even stopped to get his stupid coffee, because he had to go to work tonight and he worried he’d be too tired after watching the baby’s birth without any caffeine in his system.

  He glanced at her and frowned. “This better be it. I’ll call into work later if it is. I’m not calling in if we’re just going home.”

  Connor worked at the hospital anyway, so Hayley didn’t see the big deal. He sat at the information desk in the lobby all night, as the night watchman. There were two other guys who worked with him, each covering a different section. But the company he worked for had several guys who could easily fill his place. How hard was it to sit at a desk watching television all night?

  Another contraction came and Hayley tried to breathe through it. The pressure was unbearable, as though the baby tried to push right through her belly. “I’m sure its time. How long was that one?” Hayley gasped.

  “I don’t know.”

  “You’re supposed to time them.”

  “They’ll figure it out when we get there.”

  Hayley forced her tears back. She wanted to scream and punch the smirk off his face, but all she could do was sit there and breathe through the pain. Once the baby arrived, he’d be excited.

  “So, you’re settled on Gabriel?” he asked.

  “If it’s a boy, yes I am.”

  “It’s going to be a boy.”

  Hayley turned to stare out the window. She counted houses as they passed, between fields with cattle grazing on the patchy grass, and of course the guard rails which she wished whizzed by faster. She had a sinking feeling he’d be disappointed. Through the entire pregnancy she’d been drawn to girly things and, without thinking, referred to the baby as she a few times. It drove Connor crazy. Once he told her she was jinxing everything.

  As they approached the hospital, he slowed down. “Do I pull into the parking lot?”

  “They said to go right to the front doors.” Another pain ripped through her stomach and Hayley couldn’t stop a moan from escaping.

  “Don’t you think you’re being just a little dramatic? I’ll pull into the regular lot. I don’t need anyone hitting the car.”

  “I’m not sure I can walk that far.”

  “You’ll be fine.”

  “I might need you to help me.”

  “Like I can haul your big ass all the way down there. Get real.”

  With trembling hands, Hayley pushed her door open and struggled to swing her legs around. After two attempts, she managed to get out and stand. She figured she had about a minute before the next contraction.

  “Come on,” Connor called, already about ten feet away from her. “We don’t have all day.”

  She’d make him pay for this shit, though she wasn’t sure how. His attitude pissed her off and she didn’t care if it was his nerves causing it. She’d put up with him for nine long months, promising herself she’d make a decision about their marriage after the baby was born.

  Walking slowly, each step agony, Hayley made it to the emergency parking before the next contraction hit her. Connor had already gone inside, and she was alone when her knees buckled. Hayley collapsed on the ground, holding her belly. Hoping no one was watching, she lay there, on hands and knees, breathing through the pain, tears running down her chee
ks.

  She heard voices, a man and a woman, and then hands under her arms. “Come on honey, you can’t be having a baby out here,” the man said.

  Hayley stood, leaning heavily on their shoulders as they helped her into a wheelchair.

  “Are you here alone?” the nurse asked while checking her pulse.

  “No, my husband went in ahead of me. It just got worse. He didn’t know.”

  The nurse frowned and Hayley wondered if she’d seen through the lie.

  Connor came through the big doors that led to triage and waved his arms. “There you are. I thought I’d lost you in the parking lot. Did you stop for a donut or something?”

  The nurse turned the chair around and pushed Hayley to the elevators. “She stopped for labor. In the future, I’d advise you not to leave a woman in labor alone in a parking lot.”

  Hayley was in far too much pain to care if the nurse made him mad or not. The only thing she needed now was her mother. She couldn’t care less if Connor stayed.

  —

  Dana whispered words of encouragement and held Hayley’s hand. She glanced at Connor whose face had taken on a green pallor and laughed. “Are you going to be okay?”

  He grimaced. “This is disgusting.”

  “Just wait,” the doctor said and knelt at the end of the bed, gloved hands ready to help pull the baby out. “We’re not even in the thick of it yet.”

  Connor checked his watch.

  Dana resisted the urge to slap him and instead focused on Hayley. Once the baby was born, he’d change his tune. It was a life-altering experience and he would be sorry he’d been such an ass up to this point.

  “Okay, love. Push as hard as you can through this one and we’re almost done,” the doctor said when another contraction began.

  Hayley cursed enough to make a sailor blush.

  Dana smiled. She was her father’s daughter through and through.

  “I see the head. Come here, Daddy. You should see this.”

  Connor looked away.

  The doctor encouraged Hayley through one last push. “Here it comes. You have a baby girl.”

  Dana leaned over to see her granddaughter before the doctor quickly wrapped her in a blanket. Her mop of curly black hair was her father’s, but the irritated scowl she wore was Hayley’s.

  He handed Connor something. “Dad, I believe this honor is yours.”

  “I don’t really want to,” he mumbled.

  “Come on, it’s bad luck if you don’t.”

  Connor cut the cord and quickly turned away.

  Dana thought he might vomit.

  They whisked the baby to the back of the room to check and weigh her.

  “Is she okay?” Hayley asked.

  Dana kissed her forehead and brushed a lock of damp hair from her forehead. “Yes, and she’s so chubby. Just like you were.” Her own children’s births were the most memorable moments she’d ever experienced, but seeing her baby with a child of her own brought on feelings Dana couldn’t describe.

  As the doctor tended to Hayley, Dana noticed his frown. “Is anything wrong?”

  “No, just some tearing. That little one has broad shoulders.”

  The nurse walked over holding a little pink bundle. “Do you have a name for her yet?” she asked.

  “Hayley does,” Connor said. “I didn’t pick the girls names.”

  “Alexis,” Hayley said.

  The nurse offered the bundle to Connor. “Do you want to hold her?”

  “No, I have to get to work. I’ll hold her later.” He spun on his heel and walked away.

  Dana stared. He was not going to work.

  But Connor didn’t come back. The doors swung behind him.

  Hayley sighed. “Give her to me.”

  The nurse settled the baby into Hayley’s arms. “It’s okay,” she said. “He’ll come around later. He wasn’t expecting a girl.”

  “He needs to grow up. But let’s not talk about him. I’ll go get your dad.”

  “Yeah, he’s probably wondering what sent Connor rushing out of here.”

  Dana smiled and exchanged a glance with the doctor. His cheeks were flushed, his lips drawn into a thin line. A little embarrassed for her daughter, Dana smiled at him and left. Connor better grow up, or she’d kick him out herself.

  CHAPTER 48

  Hayley went back to work when Alexis was three weeks old. She gave up on school, a decision that she deeply regretted every day. She resented Connor for making her feel that she had to. After graduating, she learned quickly that a high school diploma only got you so far. She needed at least a bachelor’s degree to get a job that paid more than minimum wage. She’d only had a few weeks left, but they were drowning in a mountain of bills, credit cards that Connor seemed to think were free money, and charge accounts at various stores. She had to work more hours than school allowed for. He’d said she could go back later, but when?

  Two weeks after she returned to work, Mandy had taken her to the hospital despite Hayley’s objections. Mandy pushed her coat at her and picked Alexis up out of the bassinet. “Your skin is grey. No one is supposed to be grey. It’s not the point that you’ve lost your baby weight, you’re skinnier than you were before you got pregnant.”

  Hayley didn’t have enough fight in her to argue. At the hospital, they rushed her to a room, hooked to an IV.

  “You’re hemorrhaging,” the doctor, a man who looked younger than Hayley, said. “And you’re dehydrated. I don’t know how you’ve managed this long. You have to remember you have a little girl depending on you now. Don’t let things get this bad again.”

  “I just thought I was tired from work. I didn’t know.”

  “Work? Your baby is what, a month old?”

  “Yes.”

  “Honey, why are you working already? Your body needs time to heal.”

  Hearing him call her honey made Hayley want to laugh, as though he thought she was a kid. He pulled a prescription pad out of his pocket and began writing.

  “We’re going to send you home tonight,” he said. “You need to pick this up first. It’ll help thicken your blood, and hopefully, stop the bleeding. Now, be careful with these, if you feel strange at all, weird aches or pains or anything else that doesn’t feel right, stop taking them and get back here.”

  Hayley nodded.

  “Is there anyone at home to help you?”

  “Yes,” she lied. Mandy would probably stay anyway, or her mom, once Mandy told her what happened.

  “Good. I want you to get a full night’s sleep and take a few days off work.”

  “How many?”

  “Until you stop bleeding.”

  Hayley joined Mandy in the waiting room where she paced the floor well away from the crush of bodies that sniffled and groaned. Mandy had a phobia about sick people. She wanted to keep far away, just in case they infected her. To know that Mandy had taken her to the one place she hated above all else made Hayley feel guilty. Everyone was putting aside their needs for her and she didn’t like it.

  “I called Connor. I know, you didn’t want me to, but I did.”

  Hayley knew he’d think she was being dramatic again, and he did. When she arrived home that night, he was waiting in the dark.

  “Why are you always letting that bitch in on our business? I’m sick of her nose being into everything we do.”

  She fought the urge to turn around and walk out. “I was sick and you were gone.”

  “You don’t look sick.”

  Hayley left it alone. She was tired, and she wanted to make bottles for Alexis before going to bed. She avoided asking him for anything for as long as she could, until she had to ask him to pick her up from work. Her regular ride had left early for an appointment. Connor ranted about it but said he’d be there.

  When Hayley worked, Alexis stayed with her mother. Connor did hardly more than change a diaper here and there. She said little about it since the night he yelled so loudly at the baby that she decided she wouldn’t put
any of them through that. He didn’t have the patience to deal with Alexis’ temper. He rarely dealt with anything. She was beginning to wonder why she cared whether he stayed or not.

  —

  Rubbing her back, Hayley took off the apron and hung it in her locker. Then she filled out her time card and grabbed her coat. Hoping Connor was already waiting, she waved to the cashier taking over for her.

  She walked out into the darkened parking lot and zipped her coat at the curb. Connor wasn’t there yet. She checked her watch. Still early. Standing, the chill of the damp air seeping into her bones, she considered going inside to wait, but wouldn’t be able to see much of the parking lot. He’d leave if she wasn’t waiting.

  Glancing at the payphone at the far end of the lot, she considered calling to see if he had left, but if he hadn’t, he’d be ticked she was rushing him and then another fight would ensue. Sighing Hayley set her purse on the ground and sat next to it, bringing her knees in as far as she could for warmth.

  Twenty minutes later, after her toes became numb, Connor’s car zipped into the lot. He stopped a few feet from her and rolled down the window. “Come on, get off your ass and get in!” he yelled.

  Hayley stood, brushing herself off, purposely taking her time. It was a small rebellion, but she did it anyway.

  “I’ve got shit to do you know.”

  She opened her door and climbed inside. “Like what?”

  “Like none of your business stuff.” Connor pulled away before she’d even shut the door.

  She would not fight with him. If he wanted a battle, he’d have to find another sucker to give it to him.

  He drove home way too fast, scaring the shit out of her several times. She didn’t drive, but being in a car with someone who wasn’t driving with care terrified her. Nausea swept over her, her mouth watered, warning her she might not make it home without vomiting.