Beautifully Broken Spirit

by Catherine Cowles

  I nodded, the action jerky. As soon as I released my hold on Tuck’s chest, the blood pooled. The EMT took my place, blocking my view, but it was too late. I knew it in my bones. Tuck was dying.

  I stared down at my hands. So much blood. The liquid began to turn tacky, almost thick. Because blood wasn’t supposed to be on the outside of your body.

  My breathing picked up its pace. I couldn’t seem to get enough air into my lungs. They burned with the effort.

  “Breathe, baby girl, just breathe.” It was my mom.

  “N-N-Noah?” Noah couldn’t see this.

  My mom rubbed a hand up and down my spine. “Irma’s got him in the den watching a movie. He doesn’t know what happened.” She tried to usher me a few steps forward.

  I refused to move, shaking my head. “No.”

  She kept her voice incredibly gentle. “I just need to wash the blood off your hands so we can get in my SUV and follow the ambulance.”

  I didn’t move from my spot a mere five feet from Tuck. My mom disappeared. But soon, she was back with a bucket and a rag. I didn’t even recognize the items until she began carefully wiping away the blood. Each swipe of the cloth sent tears spilling over.

  “I can’t lose him, Mom.”

  “Oh, baby.” She wrapped her arms around me. “They’re doing everything they can.”

  “We have to go, now.” It was the male EMT who said it.

  My father stepped forward. “We’re going to follow.”

  I moved closer to them all, my gaze not leaving Tuck’s face that had far too little color. “Is he going to be okay?”

  The EMT grimaced. “It depends on how quickly we can get to the hospital.”

  52

  Jensen

  Beep. Beep. Beep. I tried to take comfort in the sound. It meant that Tuck’s heart was still beating. He was breathing. But I kept trying to interpret each beep. Was that one shorter? What did that mean? It was an endless cycle.

  I traced circles on the back of Tuck’s hand with my fingertip. His heart had stopped three times in the past forty-eight hours. But it had started beating again four times. Four was my new favorite number. I drew it on the back of Tuck’s hand. “You’re too damn stubborn to give up. I know you. I know you better than anyone, and you won’t let a bullet take you out.”

  I lifted his hand and placed it against my cheek. The hand that told the story of his life. I wanted it to have more stories to tell. I wanted the skin to sag and be peppered with age spots. I wanted one of those fingers to house a band of metal. But most of all, I wanted it to twine with mine for the rest of my days.

  Maybe I was crazy. The man hadn’t even told me that he loved me. But I felt it to the depth of my soul. Tears began to splash, soaked up by the hospital blanket.

  “You really love him, don’t you?”

  I started at the sound of Walker’s voice. I laid Tuck’s hand back on the bed but kept my fingers woven with his. I wasn’t letting go. “I don’t have the energy for this, Walker.”

  “I didn’t mean it like that.” When he stepped closer, I saw that his face was ravaged. Guilt had done a number on him. But Walker’s last words to Tuck had been ones of anger, of scorn, and now, his best friend lay in a hospital bed fighting for his life.

  Tuck was breathing on his own, but he hadn’t woken up yet after the surgery. The longer he stayed under, the smaller his chances for a complete recovery got. My heart gave a painful squeeze. “So, how did you mean it?” I wasn’t quite ready to let my big brother off the hook. Maybe if he’d have been there instead of leaving in a grown-up hissy fit, things would’ve gone differently.

  Walker took a few tentative steps closer, gripping the rail at the end of the bed. “I just didn’t see it.” He shook his head, a hint of a wistful smile playing on his lips. “Taylor says I’m deaf, dumb, and blind when it comes to you two. Maybe she’s right. I’ve played it back a million times in my head. From when we were kids to now—”

  “It wasn’t always…this.” I didn’t have a word to encompass what Tuck and I were now.

  Walker stared down at Tuck’s frame. “I know that. But you two have always had a special bond. I just didn’t realize how deep it ran.”

  More tears spilled over, tracking down my cheeks. I made no move to wipe them away. They were a measure of my love for the man who lay in this bed. “He’s always seen me on a level that others didn’t.”

  Walker’s Adam’s apple bobbed as he swallowed. “You do the same for him.”

  “I hope so.” I stared at Tuck’s face, tracing the lines of it with my gaze. “I don’t know for sure.”

  “I do.” Walker sighed. “The thing I should have known from the second I saw you two together is that he never would’ve gone there if you weren’t everything to him.”

  The tears came faster now, curving over my cheeks and dripping off my chin.

  Walker shuffled his feet and glanced down. “I’m sorry I was such a grade-A asshole. I’ll never forgive myself for what I said.”

  There was an implied if he doesn’t wake up at the end of that statement. I squeezed my eyes closed. “I’m scared.”

  Walker opened his mouth to say something, but my gasp cut him off. Tuck’s hand had tightened around mine the barest amount. A second time. A third.

  “He’s squeezing my hand. Go get a doctor.”

  Walker jogged out of the room and down the hall.

  I leaned over the bed. “Tucker. Open your eyes. Please.”

  His eyes moved as if trying to open but weren’t quite able to see the action through. Tuck’s hand squeezed mine again, a little harder this time. One. Two. Three.

  “Please, baby.”

  Tuck’s lids fluttered open.

  My tears fell fast and hard. “Never been happier to see those baby blues.”

  Tuck opened his mouth to speak, but a garbled croak came out instead.

  I reached over to the table and grabbed the cup of water with a straw. “Here, have a small sip. They said you can’t have too much or you’ll get sick.” I lifted Tuck’s head so his mouth could reach the straw. His gaze held mine the whole time. Finally, I pulled the cup away. “Let’s see how that does. How do you feel?”

  Tuck stared at me for a moment, staying silent. “Love you, Wilder.” His voice was hoarse, but the words couldn’t have been clearer.

  My breath caught, and the tears that had slowed started up in earnest again.

  “I’ve always loved you.” He cleared his throat, wincing at the pain but pushed on. “I couldn’t tell you. I thought I’d only bring misery and pain into your life in the long run.”

  I shook my head. “No.”

  Tuck squeezed my hand. “But I told you in my own way. Every time I touched you three times. Every time I squeezed your hand three times. Every time I kissed each temple and your forehead. That’s what I was telling you. One touch for each word I couldn’t say.”

  My mind raced, trying to place the first time he’d given my hand a trio of squeezes, or the first time he’d given my ponytail three quick tugs, but I couldn’t. He’d been doing it for as long as I could remember.

  “It wasn’t always this kind of love. But I have loved you from the first moment I laid eyes on you. And now I’m going to tell you out loud, every day for the rest of my life. I love you, Jensen Evelyn Cole.”

  I wanted to tackle him. Kiss him everywhere my lips could reach. But I had a feeling that was bad for people with holes in their chests. I pulled my hand from his grasp and cupped his face. I kissed one temple, the other, and then his forehead. “There has never been a day I didn’t love you. And there never will be.”

  53

  Tuck

  THREE WEEKS LATER

  “Who knew all it took was me getting shot for you to be okay with me dating your sister.”

  Walker scowled at me as he helped me out of the truck. “It’s not funny yet.” He paused. “Not sure it will ever be.”

  “Sorry, man.” I winced as my feet hit th
e ground. I was so fucking happy to be out of the hospital, but my body still had a long road of recovery ahead. And it was frustrating as hell.

  Walker studied my face. “You okay?” He offered an arm to help me walk.

  I pushed it aside. “I’m fine. Stop hovering.”

  “I’m not hovering. I’m just making sure you don’t end up in the hospital again.”

  “You guys are like two bickering old men,” Jensen called as she headed down the front steps of her guest house.

  The doctors had refused to release me unless someone could stay with me. My mom had immediately offered to move me in with her, but Jensen had stood firm. My little Wilder had wanted me with her, and she wasn’t taking no for an answer. There was a small den off the living room of the guest house, and as soon as I was out of the woods medical-wise, she had set to work making it into a room for me.

  I hated everyone fawning all over me, but Jensen was the one who was easiest to handle. “Get over here, Wilder.”

  Jensen slid under my arm, and I turned my face so that I could brush my lips against hers. She stayed there, guiding me up the path, supporting me under the guise of just wanting to be close to me. “I’m so glad you’re home.”

  Noah bounded out the front door. “Tuck! You’re here! I decorated your room for you. I drew out the whole fight sequence from Karate Kid, and Mom helped me hang it over your bed. She said we can watch one of the movies tonight if you feel up to it. Do you feel up to it?”

  I let out a chuckle. The action caused a pulling on my chest, but it didn’t hurt nearly as bad as it had a week or two ago. “I’m definitely up for it.”

  The first time Noah had seen me in the hospital, he’d fallen apart, sobbing in his mom’s arms. That had hurt almost more than the gunshot wound to my chest. It had taken some time, but after some convincing, he realized that I was going to be fine. He’d taken to the idea of me coming to stay with them and the small bits of affection I’d shown to his mother remarkably well.

  We were building the beginnings of a family. I squeezed Jensen’s shoulder, halting her movement, and swept my lips against hers again. “Love you,” I whispered against them, so low that no one else could hear.

  “Gross,” Noah whined.

  Walker chuckled. “I agree, little man.”

  Noah scrunched up his face. “Are you guys gonna be lovey-dovey like all the time now?”

  Jensen laughed. “Well, I kind of love him, so the chances are good.”

  Noah’s little fists landed on his hips. “I have one rule then.”

  I grinned. “Sock it to me.”

  Noah’s expression grew serious. “No kissy stuff during Karate Kid.”

  I let out a bark of laughter and had to hide the wince that wanted to come after. “That’s a deal.”

  Noah nodded. “Good.” He turned on his heel and marched towards the house.

  Jensen started us forward again. “I need to warn you. There’s someone here to see you.”

  My steps faltered. “Who?”

  She looked from me to the house and back again. “Your dad.”

  My jaw clenched. My father had come to the hospital, but I’d told Jensen and my mom that I didn’t want to see him. I just didn’t have it in me. But I knew I’d have to talk to him eventually, and I guessed now was as good a time as any. “Okay.”

  Jensen let out a breath. “Good.” We made it up the steps, and I had to pause to catch my breath. “Do you want to be set up in your bed or in the recliner in the living room?”

  “Recliner,” I grunted. I hated how my body was currently betraying me.

  Walker opened the front door, and Jensen guided me through to the living room. My father jumped to his feet as soon as we appeared. “Tucker.”

  He looked different. But I couldn’t quite place how. His face appeared almost thinner. His eyes clearer.

  “Hi, Dad.”

  No one moved for a few seconds. Then Jensen ushered me towards the recliner. “I’m just going to get him set up in the chair, and then I’ll leave you two to talk.”

  It took a couple of minutes to ease me into the oversized furniture. And by the time I got there, I was breathing heavily.

  Worry filled Jensen’s expression. “Are you okay?”

  I squeezed her hand three times. “I’m fine. You remember what the doctor said. It’s going to take some time for me to get my strength back.”

  Jensen nodded slowly just as Walker appeared with a couple of bottles of water. “Here you go.” He handed one to me and the other to my dad.

  My dad took the bottle from Walker, and his hand shook. “Thank you.”

  Jensen met my gaze and mouthed “I love you.” Then she and Walker left.

  My father and I were silent for a good sixty seconds.

  He fiddled with the wrapper on his bottle of water. “So, the doc says you’ll make a full recovery as long as you do the physical therapy they’re recommending.”

  I nodded. “He predicts I’ll be back to one hundred percent in a month or so.”

  “That’s good. Real good.” Dad finally met my gaze. “I’m glad you’re going to be okay.”

  “Me, too.” The silence returned, stretching out and making itself comfortable. I could only take it for so long. “What are you doing here, Dad?”

  That familiar muscle in his cheek ticked. “You didn’t want to see me in the hospital, and I wanted—”

  I couldn’t let him finish. “No, I didn’t.” My father’s body gave a little jerk. There was so much more that I could say. How he’d torn my family apart. How I’d let him poison my mind. But those three words were enough. I didn’t owe him any more.

  His hand tightened and relaxed around his water bottle as though he were trying to calm himself. “It was a wakeup call.”

  My brows pulled together. “What was?”

  My father stared down at the table, his gaze going unfocused. “Getting the call that you’d been shot. That they weren’t sure if you were going to make it.” His voice grew rough. “Then, when you wouldn’t see me…”

  His voice trailed off, and my chest tightened. I refused to let this hit of emotion lower my shields. I couldn’t risk it. Dad pushed on. “Thank you for letting me see you now.” I nodded. “I want you to know.” He took a breath. “I stopped drinking.”

  My eyes widened. “You did?”

  He nodded. “Been going to meetings. I’m seeing things clearer now.” He looked down at his hands. “I’m trying to take things one day at a time like they say to do, but I wanted you to know.”

  I swallowed hard. “I think that’s good. And I’m glad you told me.”

  My dad rose, wiping his hands on his jeans. “I won’t take up any more of your time. I just wanted to check on you.”

  I cleared my throat, remembering how it had felt to know that Jensen loved me even when I least deserved it. “Dad?” He paused on his way to the door. “Maybe you could come back next week. We could play some cards.”

  My dad smiled. I couldn’t remember the last time I’d seen that expression. “I’d like that.”

  I cleared my throat. “See you in a few days, then.”

  “In a few days, son.”

  As soon as the front door closed, Jensen was back. “Was it okay?”

  I blinked up at her. “He stopped drinking. He’s going to meetings.”

  She smiled. “He told me. I think that’s going to help a lot.”

  “I hope so.” I patted the side of the recliner. “Come here.”

  Jensen eyed my chest. “Are you sure?”

  “Yes, I’m fucking sure, get over here.”

  She scowled as she slid in next to me. “Watch your language, you big behemoth.”

  I wrapped my arm around her, not giving a shit that the action tugged at my still-healing chest. “I’ll watch it, Wilder.” I listened for a second but didn’t hear any noise. “Where is everyone?”

  Jensen burrowed into my side. “Walker took Noah outside.”

&nb
sp; I looked down and arched a brow. “So, we’re alone?”

  She shook her head. “Don’t get any ideas. The doctor said three more weeks.”

  I grinned. “I can still feel you up, though.” I palmed her breast, and her nipple beaded under my touch. I groaned. “Okay, maybe that’s a bad idea.”

  Jensen laughed. “Maybe.” She was silent for a moment. “It feels right with you here.”

  I tucked a strand of hair behind her ear. “What does?”

  “My house.” She tilted her face up to look in my eyes. “It’s always kind of felt like a temporary stop. I’d never planned on being here for long, but with you here, Noah playing outside, it feels like a home.”

  My mouth curved. “I’m glad.” Tears welled in her eyes, and I wiped them away with my thumb. “Hey, now, what’s all this about?”

  “I don’t want you to leave.”

  My brow furrowed. “Then, I won’t.”

  A shuddering sob tore through her. “I was so scared.”

  “Baby.” I held her more tightly to my chest. “I’m fine. And I’m not going anywhere.”

  She hiccupped a breath. “Promise.”

  I kissed her hair. “You’re stuck with me for good. And you know how stubborn I am. So good luck getting rid of me.”

  Jensen relaxed into me. “I probably won’t always be, but right now, I’m glad you’re so dang stubborn.”

  I chuckled, then leaned forward to brush my lips against one temple, then the other, and finally her forehead. “I love you.” I’d told her every day since I’d woken up, and I was keeping my promise to tell her every day for the rest of our lives.

  Epilogue

  Jensen

  ONE YEAR LATER

  “Wake up, Wilder.”

  I let out a moan, and not the kind that gave me the warm and fuzzies. “Go away. Too early.”

  Lips grazed one temple, the other, and then my forehead. “Rise and shine, sleepy head.”

  I rolled over to find Tuck standing over our bed, dressed in jeans, boots, and a jacket. I glanced at the clock on the nightstand. “It’s six o’clock.” Normally, I was fine with early rising, but it was my day off, and Tuck had kept me up well past my bedtime last night since Noah had been at a sleepover.