Pursuing Happiness

by Jessie Pinkham

  “That’s good,” said Levi, “because I don’t have anything figured out. Well, I kind of figured out that women don’t do anything for me and guys do, but even that doesn’t feel right. I mean, I’ve been told my whole life it’s a terrible sin.”

  Collin was walking a thin line here. He wanted to offer encouragement and support without overwhelming a kid who was barely keeping himself together. Taking the tray with their lunches, he settled on a simple observation. “Matt will be a lot more help to you in that area. I’ve never been particularly religious, but I do know that some people can be devout without homophobia.”

  Levi stopped talking in favor of eating, so Collin followed suit. If nothing else, lunch would help Levi. Life always looked bleaker on an empty stomach.

  They were just getting back to Ted’s Place when Collin’s phone rang. “It’s Matt,” he said.

  “Would you answer?”

  “Sure.” He accepted the call with one hand and waved to Violet with the other. “Hey Matt.”

  “I got your text.”

  “You won’t believe who I ran into at work. Just a sec, let me get to my office.”

  “Is something wrong?” Matt sounded concerned. Fair enough, considering the ‘call me ASAP’ text.

  There was a great deal wrong with the world, and with Levi’s situation, but that wasn’t Collin’s story to get into. He covered the microphone and whispered, “You want the phone, or should I put it on speaker?”

  “Speaker is fine.”

  “Collin?” By now Matt was growing a bit annoyed.

  “All set.”

  It took an encouraging nod before Levi spoke. “Hi Matt, it’s Levi.”

  “Levi?”

  “Yes.” Collin had to mouth ‘go on’ to get the kid to continue. “See, uh, turns out you’re not the only gay man in the family. I am too, and Mom and Dad wouldn’t let me stay at home once they found out. So here I am.”

  “Wow. I just… wow. Okay, let me see if I can get the afternoon off and meet you at Ted’s Place. Obviously you’ll come live with me. I mean, assuming you want to.”

  “I don’t have anywhere else to go,” Levi said quietly, just about breaking Collin’s heart.

  “There’s going to be so much to do. We’ll have to enroll you in school. You’ll be a senior?”

  School wasn’t the first thing which came to Collin’s mind, though it was necessary. He had a feeling Matt’s already considerable worrying was about to kick up a notch.

  “Junior,” Levi said. “I just turned sixteen.”

  “Right. School, I’m sure there are more things we’ll have to take care of. Maybe someone at Ted’s Place can help us.”

  “We can talk with Lindsay,” Collin said. “She’s the staff social worker.”

  “Oh good. I don’t even know where to start, but we’ll work everything out.”

  “Thank you.” The relief in Levi’s voice was palpable. “Thank you so much.”

  “Of course. Let me see about leaving early and I’ll text, okay?”

  “Yes,” said Levi.

  “Collin? Thanks.”

  “Any time. See you soon.”

  Levi was a much more cheerful guy after they hung up. “I know you said he’d help, but I feel better hearing it from him.”

  Evidently worrying ran in the family. “I’m glad,” he said. “And for what it’s worth, I’m sorry about your shitty parents kicking you out.”

  Levi’s eyes widened, somewhat scandalized. Belatedly, it occurred to Collin that the religiously inclined usually frowned on casual profanity.

  The kid recovered, anyway. “Thanks,” he said. “Your kindness is worth a lot.”

  This, Collin thought, was turning out to be a hell of a day.

  Chapter Thirteen

  The call was barely disconnected when Dr. Orlov, one of the veterinarians, looked up from her lunch. “I couldn’t help but overhear. It sounds like you have a family emergency.”

  “My younger cousin was kicked out of the house for being gay and there’s no one else he can go to.”

  Dr. Orlov made a shooing motion. “Take the rest of the afternoon and tomorrow off. We’ll manage.”

  “Thank you.”

  “You’re welcome. See you Thursday.”

  His mind raced on the ride to Ted’s Place, and he was probably rude to his driver because he wasn’t in the frame of mind for chatting. There was so much to think about, because Matt had only just gotten to the point of having his own life more or less together and he didn’t feel remotely qualified to help Levi do the same. He was willing, of course. Levi needed someone and Matt was happy to help his cousin in any way he could. The problem was that he wasn’t so sure how good a job he’d do.

  Levi and Collin were in the lobby of Ted’s Place when he got there. Matt’s first move was to give his cousin a hug.

  “I can’t believe I found you,” said Levi. “Dad gave me enough cash for a bus ticket and I came to Philadelphia because I thought you were here. I found Ted’s Place online at the library and then when I mentioned looking for my cousin, Collin asked who my cousin is.”

  “It was the hair,” explained Collin. “Want to go to my office?”

  Levi had a backpack and a small duffel bag in Collin’s office. Matt had so many questions, but he didn’t want to overwhelm Levi. They had time.

  “Running into your boyfriend is like my own miracle,” continued Levi.

  Matt smiled. His own ideas about theology were somewhat nebulous and he was okay with the state of affairs. The important thing here was that Levi thought he was worth a miracle, which meant he didn’t entirely subscribe to the belief that God hated him for being gay.

  “I’m grateful,” he said. “It means I can look out for you. My place is pretty small, but you’ll have a roof over your head and it’s in a decent neighborhood.” In an ideal world he’d move to a bigger place, but he doubted he’d be able to afford that and a doubled grocery bill. He’d recently gotten a modest raise, far too modest for higher rent and expenses. Obviously, his budget was going to need finessing.

  “I know this is asking a lot. I can get a job to contribute.” Levi looked nervous, as though Matt might change his mind.

  “Don’t worry about that right now.” Matt had been putting money away in a savings account because he never wanted to be homeless again. If he stopped doing that he’d probably be able to afford their food. If not, he’d figure something out. Maybe a side gig walking dogs. “You have enough to deal with. Just don’t ever think you’re asking too much. It may not be fancy, but with me you’ll have a place to live, food to eat, and you won’t have to be afraid to be yourself.”

  Levi hugged him again. “Thank you. Thank you so much.”

  Collin cleared his throat. “I’m gonna let you guys catch up for a bit. Lindsay said she can talk at 2:30.”

  “We don’t have to kick you out of your own office,” protested Levi.

  “You’re not. I’m volunteering it. Besides, this is a great opportunity to harass Paul about getting me event details early enough that I can promote our programming effectively.” With that he left and closed the door behind him.

  “I like your boyfriend.”

  Matt smiled. “He is pretty great.”

  They sat in silence for a minute before Levi slumped in his chair and said, “I was reading information I’d printed out at the library from message boards about being gay and Christian. Ruth thought it’d be great fun to steal my papers, saw someone’s profile picture, and of course she had to go and ask why the two men were kissing. Dad heard, and that was that. Fifteen minutes to pack and say goodbye, a few twenty dollar bills, and I was out the door.”

  “Mom and Dad tried to get me into conversion therapy first.”

  “Mom mentioned that. Dad wanted nothing to do with it. He said it doesn’t work and they’d be throwing good money away. Poor Ruth was crying, saying this was all her fault.” Levi swiped away a few tears at the thought of his little sis
ter. “I don’t blame her. She’s only nine. I told her it wasn’t her fault, that she shouldn’t blame herself. I said I needed to leave because of who I am. I hope she listened.”

  Privately Matt thought Ruth would have a hard time of it, but he didn’t want to say that. “I know it doesn’t feel this way now, but in the long run leaving is better. It sucks, I know it does. At first I felt like I was walking around with this gaping wound so bad everyone else must have been able to sense it.”

  “It gets better?”

  “It does.” The process took longer than he’d have liked, and he wasn’t even done, but life did improve. “We’ll have to get you into counseling. That and time, and you will feel better. Freer. Happier. I’m in a science fiction and fantasy book club, and there’s nobody telling me how sinful it is.”

  “I can see more movies,” said Levi.

  “That too.”

  “I wish I liked girls. Everything would be so much easier. And what if I really am going to hell?”

  Matt had been down the exact road. “Do you think God would send you a miracle if you were going to hell?”

  Levi considered for a few seconds. “Well, that wouldn’t make much sense, but I don’t think any of this makes sense. What do you think?”

  Matt hardly considered himself an authority. “I’m still figuring it out. I’m not religious like I was, but I do believe in God. I don’t think God wants us to be miserable our whole lives.” After all, God was love, and that really didn’t jive with a life of wretched self-loathing.

  “I hope not.”

  “The thing is, you don’t need to go by what I think. You can research and pray and talk to people so you can come up with your own conclusions.” Matt understood the desire to find someone who had the answers. It was what they were used to, and it was a habit he still fell into more than he’d like to admit.

  “This figuring things out business is going to be a lot of work, isn’t it?”

  “It will, but it’s worth it.”

  “Not like I have much of a choice,” said Levi, and Matt wondered what he was getting himself into.

  Levi related some family news, including the fact that Matt now had another niece and a nephew, and some of his own struggles with his sexuality. By the time 2:30 rolled around they had both cried.

  Collin knocked on his own door before poking his head in. “Thought I’d bring you to Lindsay’s office.”

  “And you can have yours back,” said Levi. “Thank you.”

  “No problem. She’s just down the hall.”

  Lindsay’s office was set up to be more inviting than Collin’s, with plants and watercolor paintings. It reminded Matt of Elaine’s office, and he wondered if soothing décor was part of the curriculum for therapists and social workers.

  “Have a seat,” she said, gesturing to the couch. “I’m Lindsay. You must be Matt and Levi. Collin told me a little bit about what’s going on, but I’d like to hear it from you.”

  Levi didn’t say anything so Matt figured he’d better start. “Levi and I are cousins. We were raised in a super conservative religious environment, almost no contact with the world outside our extended family. A little over three years ago my parents learned I’m gay and kicked me out. Now the same thing has happened to Levi, only he’s sixteen. He’s going to live with me.”

  “Alright. Are you able to support him?”

  “I can get a job,” said Levi.

  “Maybe later. We’ll manage, I’ll get a second job if it comes to that, but my place is a small studio.”

  Levi added, “I don’t care about that.”

  “Perhaps Matt does,” suggested Lindsay gently.

  “Oh.” Levi sat there, looking very crestfallen.

  “We’ll make it work,” Matt promised. It would put some restraints on his sex life, which was a pity because he was finally getting more comfortable with having sex in places other than the bed.

  Well, there was always Collin’s apartment. He would make whatever sacrifices he had to in order to help Levi. Not just sex, either; he was sure he’d have to switch to conventionally produced meat if he was buying groceries for two. He’d make it work.

  “Okay.” Lindsay handed them each a folder. “Some resources and information that I think might be helpful. Now, everything will be easier if we can get you, Matt, legal guardianship of Levi.”

  “Couldn’t I be emancipated?” asked Levi.

  “Not immediately. You have to show you can take care of yourself like an adult, which means providing for yourself.”

  His shoulders slumped in disappointment. “Oh.”

  “I think consent guardianship would be an excellent option. What that means is that your parents, Levi, would sign paperwork that gives Matt guardianship. It’s not the same as custody, but it means we can skip the court process.”

  “I don’t know if they’ll do that.” Matt hated to assume the negative, but he couldn’t imagine his aunt and uncle going for the plan. These were people who considered same-sex adoption to be state-sanctioned corruption of a minor.

  “They might if the alternative is child abuse charges.”

  “Worth a try,” said Matt.

  Lindsay pinned him with her gaze. “I need you to understand what a big commitment you’re making. Levi will be your responsibility. That’s everything from food to education.”

  “I know it’s a huge responsibility.” That was why his stomach was doing somersaults. The thing was, there was nobody else to take it on. If Matt didn’t, Levi could end up homeless or in the foster care system where who knew what would happen. “I also know it will mean I can make sure he’s okay.”

  Lindsay seemed to like that answer. “Yes, it does.” She turned to Levi. “Do you want Matt to be your legal guardian?”

  “Yes. I’m so grateful he’s willing to take me in.”

  “Would you write down your parents’ complete names and address, along with your full name and date of birth? I’ve got colleagues working for the state who can help with the paperwork. Matt, your name and address as well, please.”

  When she had that information she continued, “Levi, I highly recommend you see a therapist.”

  “I’ll talk to mine,” said Matt.

  She shook her head. “You shouldn’t see the same person. You each want someone who only advocates for you, though if you like your therapist you’re certainly welcome to ask her for a referral. There’s a list of people who bill on a sliding scale in your folders. Unless your job offers great insurance, Matt, you can probably get Levi insured through the state until he turns eighteen.”

  “I already have state insurance,” said Levi. “The children’s health insurance program.”

  “One less thing to worry about, then. You’ll also want to get registered for school.”

  Matt started making a list on the folder. There was so much to be done and he didn’t want to let Levi down. He had at least been an adult who was almost certified with a professional skill when his parents kicked him out, and he still had no idea what he’d have done without Sarah. He couldn’t imagine how much worse it was for Levi. Though his cousin had a point. The odds of Levi finding him were so low it did seem like a miracle.

  Lindsay’s voice startled him out of his reverie. “Matt, how old are you?”

  “Twenty-four.”

  “Around what I thought. I think it might be easier for the two of you if you take some time sooner rather than later to define your relationship. What I mean is, you’re close enough in age that trying to replicate a parent-child relationship probably won’t work and will frustrate both of you. But you can’t exactly have a relationship of equals either. You should discuss how you want to move forward, with the understanding of course that you can modify your original ideas as needed.”

  That made a lot of sense and Matt appreciated the insight. He’d automatically connected ‘legal guardian’ with ‘parental role,’ and that would be tough to maintain. It would be easier if he could work with
the older cousin role.

  “And remember,” said Lindsay, “You two don’t have to go it alone. We’re here, and there are resources available to help when you need. Asking for assistance is acknowledging that you don’t know everything, not a sign of weakness.”

  That was just as well, because Matt had a feeling they’d be needing all the help they could get.

  Chapter Fourteen

  Collin had a long day at work because some people didn’t know how to keep a meeting brief and on subject. When he finally got out he called his man. Hopefully Matt and Levi had been able to reconnect since the previous afternoon when they left Ted’s Place.

  “Hey, how’s it going?”

  “Pretty well. There’s such a thing as full-size bunk beds,” Matt said. “I ordered one online and it should be here Saturday.”

  “That’s good. Have you eaten?”

  “We just finished.”

  “I’m going to pick something up. I thought maybe you could come over and hang out.” If he was in Matt’s situation, Collin would want a break and a chance to talk.

  “Sure. Levi, you’ll be fine if I’m over at Collin’s, right?”

  Through the phone Collin could hear Levi’s response. “Of course. I’m sixteen, not six.”

  Hah. He liked this kid.

  He picked up tacos from a Mexican restaurant he frequented, and before going in to his own apartment he knocked on Matt’s door. His boyfriend appeared a minute later, smiling at Collin’s arrival in a way that felt really good.

  “I’ll be next door,” Matt said.

  “I’ll be here,” replied Levi.

  Collin fished out his keys. “How’s it going?”

  “We’ve figured a few things out. He’s really anxious about high school, so we looked into options. It turns out there’s an online program he can do through the state that won’t cost anything. He’ll even get a laptop.”

  “What about socializing? Want something to drink?”

  “No thanks.” Matt made himself comfortable on Collin’s couch. “You’ve got to remember the environment he’s coming from. Being thrown into a standard American high school would’ve freaked me out, too. Come to think of it, it still would freak me out. Anyway, Levi is determined to get a job to help out financially. I’ve convinced him to wait at least a month to get settled in, but he can socialize that way. Maybe volunteer someplace quiet so he isn’t just thrown into a huge crowd.”