Anguish

by Lillie Jayne

  Not fucking now. Stupid, stupid dick thinks I’m a teenage boy again. Did it forget what happened last night?

  The incident roars back into my mind at a million decibels, and that deflates my arousal like a burst tyre.

  I draw back, reluctant to lose the comfort of his warm embrace and dry his tears with the corner of the sheet. He gives me a watery, wobbly smile that makes my stomach twist and my heart ache, falling for him even harder than before.

  This beautiful, passionate man, both inside and out, is crying for me. I’m so deep in love with him, I don’t know which way is up. It’s the only thing that keeps me going after last night’s shit-fest.

  Not that it will go anywhere. Theo is straight and always will be. I’ll take him any way I can get him, though, and if that is only best friends for life, that’s what we will be.

  I gaze into his shimmering crystal eyes as he searches in mine, his pupils dilated. Another powerful moment passes between us. The same moment that passed between us last night at the club before he stormed out. I remember that now.

  What was that? Did I imagine something between us? My head is still fucked up if I’m going there. Jesus.

  “Hey,” he whispers, one side of his mouth tilting upward. “Do you wanna have a sleepover again tonight? We could watch crappy eighties movies? Or I’ll even watch a soppy romance of yours.” He nudges me. I pretend to consider it. But there’s no way I’ll refuse that offer, nor do I relish the prospect of sleeping alone.

  “Hmm…okay, then. I’m in the mood for a soppy romance.”

  I climb under the sheets, still stark naked, only for my hand to brush against Theo’s thigh. His very naked thigh.

  Bloody hell. He’s trying to kill me.

  “T…you naked in here? Since when do you sleep naked?” I mock him. My face flushes with heat, and my heart beats faster in my rib cage. I hope to hell my dick behaves.

  “Huh…guess I just crawled in here after my shower without thinking. I’ll put my boxers on if it bothers you?” he offers, throwing the sheets back and rising from the bed. “Anyway, you’re naked, too.” He laughs, seemingly unruffled by the predicament.

  “Your bed, your rules. Although, we’ve seen each other’s junk many times before, what’s one more time?” I chuckle and lie back with my hands behind my head. “Oh, look, “A Star Is Born” is starting in a few minutes. It’s the new one with Bradley Cooper and Lady Gaga.” I glance over at Theo, who rolls his eyes at my love of the romance genre as he climbs back into bed with me.

  “I can’t believe I agreed to this. Me and my big mouth.” He grins, winking, before I hit him in the face with my pillow.

  It’ll be a long night, but at least I’m not alone.

  Chapter 10

  THEO

  I awake early for a Sunday morning. I know this because it’s still dark.

  It’s the end of summer, and even though the mornings are becoming crisp and cooler, the dark mornings have yet to roll in. It has been my weekend off, thankfully, and I’m determined to lie in a little longer before the start of the new week. That, and I’m drained after the events of the last couple of days.

  I’m on call every other weekend, which alternates between me and my business partner, Romeo. But we have an excellent locum vet, Will Foster, who comes to help whenever Romeo or I need time off.

  Content at this moment, I snuggle further into my warm, cuddly pillow. I’m relieved Finn and I have made amends, although the all-consuming guilt is still weighing me down. But at least he isn’t blaming me, which helps ease the burden somewhat.

  Yesterday, I was helpless, broken, and I never want to be that way again. The stinging in my knuckles is a stark reminder I punched a wall, and my furry mouth reminds of the bourbon I consumed to blot it all out.

  My head shoots up in surprise as my warm, cuddly pillow groans and moves when I hug it tighter. I’m draped over Finn in the most inappropriate way possible—my head on his stomach, just above the sheet while my arm is slung across his hips, resting on top of his morning wood.

  How fucking drunk was I last night?

  To make matters worse, our legs intertwine and my morning erection presses into his thigh. I struggle to move away, but Finn’s arm is around my middle, clutching me tighter whenever I try to move. Thank God he’s still asleep, enabling me to maintain at least some decorum.

  How the bloody hell did I get into this position?

  I remember falling asleep to the movie. Not because I hated it, but because the overload of emotions exhausted me. We were nowhere near each other when I dozed off. My cheeks are on fire and I’m hoping like hell Finn won’t wake up and find me like this.

  Not that I want to move—at all. I’ve wanted to wake up with him like this since that kiss we shared when we were sixteen. But for his sake, it can’t ever happen. Teddy would never allow it and he would go to any lengths to ruin Finn’s career before it even started. He would never accept a gay son. His homophobia is the reason he hates Finn with a vengeance. He would split us up in a heartbeat.

  Not that I’m gay. I mean, I’m gay for the guy under me, but only him. I’ve never been remotely attracted to another man, so it baffles me why I have this insane attraction to Sunshine. Maybe it’s because we are so close and love each other, like brothers almost. Except what I feel for him is anything but brotherly love. But I can’t let him, or anyone else, find out. Teddy must never suspect.

  And there’s no way he feels the same. So the secret can stay fettered in its gilded cage, all warm, and nurtured, and protected. Except it’s rattling the bars, demanding to be released. I don't know if I’m capable of hiding it forever.

  While I sift through my confused thoughts and feelings, Finn stretches his shapely arms wide and yawns, his eyes still closed. I pull myself up before he notices where I’m positioned, and I also stretch and yawn, trying not to be too obvious about where my arm and dick had been.

  “Good morning, Sunshine. Did you sleep well in my bed, naked as the day you were born?” I tease him with a wry smile. He scratches his chest in that lazy way while my eyes flare, tracking the movement. We meet each other’s darkened gaze as he licks his lips and rests his head on one arm. My pulse ramps up a notch, and I swallow.

  Don’t do this to yourself again, Theo, you stupid fucker. Denial, remember?

  “I did, actually. It must have been the lack of underwear keeping me cooler. I think I might sleep naked all the time. And I’m a lot taller and hairier than the day I was born, Doc,” he retorts with a lilt, his mouth curving up on one side. I chuckle, glad to see him a little chirpier, even if it’s only a temporary reprieve. He’ll have worse days to come than yesterday, of that I’m certain.

  “That is a picture I don’t need this early in the day. Thank you, Finlay. As long as you do it in your own bed. Underwear is a requirement for sleeping with me from now on.” I point at him in mock consternation, laughing while I do it. This is the Finn I know well. My Finn. I only hope he has a better day today and eats something.

  “I’ll remember that the next time I sleep with you, lover,” he drawls, his flirty banter making an appearance. It doesn’t help my hard-on. “But seriously, Theo, thank you for last night. The thought of sleeping alone…” He fades out, lost in his head again. Before I can question it, he jumps out of bed. “Well, I’m off to shower and get dressed. You might prefer to close your eyes so you don’t see Woody this morning.” He laughs, standing there with his erection jutting out, unabashed.

  “Finn!” I shriek, gesturing toward his dick. “It’s too fucking late, man. I’ve already seen little Woody this morning. Please bleach my eyeballs before I go blind.” I ham it up, acting damaged by the sight of his penis as I cover my eyelids with my arm.

  “Er, less of the little. He gets offended,” he stage-whispers before running out the room as I launch my pillow at him. I laugh at his retreating arse. He’s right, though. Woody is anything but little.

  After a quick shower, I walk naked back
into my bedroom and rummage in my drawer for some black boxers, black sweats, and a grey V-neck t-shirt. Yanking them on, I leave my feet bare. I prefer to be casual in the flat on Sundays.

  We do very little, unless we go to see our mothers, which is around once a month, give or take. Not our fathers, though, as my father shacks up with a mistress or two somewhere, and Finn’s father left when he was two. Our mothers forged a strong bond ever since and became the best of friends.

  Finn’s mother still works as my mother’s housekeeper. My mother doesn’t treat her as staff anymore, though. She has become a dear friend. Much like Finn and I are. It’s good for them. It means my mother isn’t rattling around in that big draughty house all by herself, and Finn’s mother isn’t lonely, either. They are travel companions, too, which enables them to holiday together. They don’t seem to miss their men.

  I saunter into the kitchen to find Finn nibbling at half a slice of dry toast and drinking some orange juice. “Still nauseous?” I gesture to the toast in his hand.

  He looks down at the toast like it has bitten him and drops it onto his plate with a clang. “Oh, yeah. I tried, but I couldn’t stomach it. My body will tell me when it’s ready to eat. Anyway, I’m popping to the gym, and I have some errands to run. Catch you later.” He picks up his gym bag and is out the door before I open my mouth.

  To say I’m surprised is an understatement. We always go to the gym together and have breakfast together after. It’s our thing; our routine. It seems even his chirpy mood this morning couldn’t keep the dark clouds away, or him in the flat with me.

  He looks almost as bad as he did yesterday, and I’m sure it’s because he’s not eating. I’m a little hurt, if I’m honest. Like he’s ditching me. I try to understand that he may need some space to think and process with none of his friends and family around. His emotions will be all over the place after what he went through, and I need to give him some time.

  Before paranoia takes over all rational thought, I make myself some breakfast and tackle some chores around the flat. Being busy will work off my frustration. I’ll leave Finn to his alone time for now, and I’ll go to the gym this afternoon.

  Alone.

  FINN

  Two hours later, I’m walking through the door to our flat, desperate for a shower. I’m sweaty and grimy after such an intense workout. I start toward my room when I hear Theo yell from the utility room. He’s doing laundry.

  “Finn?”

  “Yeah, Theo? I’m jumping in the shower,” I shout back from my bedroom doorway.

  He emerges from the utility room with a basket of clean laundry in his arms. “Yeah, your mother called to talk to you. She wants to know how you’ve been, you know…the usual?”

  “Yeah? And what did you tell her, Theo?” I snap. My accusing tone puts him on edge, judging by his rigid posture. I immediately regret my crappy attitude.

  Stop taking it out on Theo.

  “What the hell did you think I would tell her, man? Do you trust me so little?” he almost yells at me. Well, he doesn’t quite yell, but he’s standing so close, it seems that way. He may have only raised his voice to get his point across.

  I inhale deeply and blow out a steady breath. “Look, I’m sorry, Theo. I shouldn’t have assumed you’d tell her. I trust you with my life, and I know you wouldn’t do something like that.” My forehead wrinkles at my lack of self-control, and I swallow my guilt.

  With a compassionate expression on his face, he lowers his basket of clothes to the floor and envelops me in his arms. This is my Theo. Very tactile and forgiving. Two of the many facets I adore most about him.

  I embrace him back, and we stand there for a few minutes, enjoying each other’s comfort. He doesn’t mind that I’m all sweaty from the gym, either. I breathe in the aroma of fresh clothes and Theo, which immediately settles my anxiety.

  He lets go of me and looks me in the eyes, those topaz irises hypnotising me, dragging me under his spell. “It’s okay. I get it. I understand. Well, as much as I can anyway. You need alone time to process everything that’s happened to you, and that’s hard with me fussing around you all the time. So, I will let you do your thing, whatever it may be, and I’ll be waiting right here if you need me.”

  I bob my head. “Thanks, Theo. It’s just a lot to deal with, you know? And I need to decide about involving the police. My head is spinning with it all. Thanks for being so understanding, and I will tell my mother, but…not yet.”

  He nods, cradling my face in his smooth, dexterous hands and presses a gentle kiss to my forehead, before walking into the living room to sort out the laundry.

  Dumbfounded, my eyes bulge out of my head. I touch the spot he kissed, to reassure myself it was real, and I take refuge in my shower to hide. That kiss was so unexpected, and it took every ounce of self-control I had not to throw myself at his feet and worship him the way I wanted to. I can sense a shift in our friendship, though I can’t figure out what it is yet.

  This morning, I was hell-bent on getting out of the bloody flat and away from Theo’s hen-pecking. He was stifling me, suffocating me. It’s not his fault. None of it is, but I need some time alone to figure out what’s going on in my head.

  There is too much to handle all at once. On top of all my Theo angst, I have the weight of the attack to bear on my shoulders, and mine alone. I can't voice what’s inside me, apart from rage one minute, sorrow the next, and horny for Theo in the middle.

  I also have to consider pressing charges. It’s all too much, and I’m ready to detonate into a million pieces. Nurse Jackson told me to let Theo help me, but how can I do that to him after last night? He looked broken. And seeing him cry like that…fuck, that chased the anger right out of me. I’m responsible for upsetting him.

  What followed, sleeping naked next to him, was special to me. More meaningful than any other time over the years. It was different, and not because we didn’t have a girl in the middle. He fell asleep before the end of the movie, though, and I ended up watching him instead, dreaming of things that would never be.

  Maybe it was special because of the moment we shared after we made up. You can tell a lot by looking into someone’s eyes, and I’m damn sure I wasn’t imagining what I saw. It was like a surge of desire passed between us.

  He must have sensed that too, right?

  Or maybe I’m hoping. The thing is, I can’t confess how much I want him, ever. If I do, I risk losing our friendship. I can’t withstand that, and neither can he.

  We can’t survive without each other.

  A few hours later, my thoughts cleansed of all things Theo, I emerge from my bedroom like a phoenix risen from the ashes. Well, I’m dressed better than I was earlier anyway, in dark blue fitted jeans, a white button-up shirt, and a dark blue blazer.

  I walk into the living room, looking for my best friend, nervous to tell him I’m going out tonight. There’s never been a problem with us dating alone in the past. Yes, we usually double-dated most of the time, but we dated alone sometimes. At least, I think we did. Well, come to think of it, Theo didn’t date at all.

  I saunter past two decent-sized holes in the living room wall, where I find him in the kitchen, shirtless. He’s chopping vegetables for tonight’s dinner.

  Shit, I should have told him earlier about my date.

  He stops what he’s doing as soon as he sees me, his mouth falling open as he takes in my appearance from head to toe. The slow perusal has my dick twitching in my pants, and my temperature spikes.

  “Wow, Finn. You look amazing,” he drawls, as if he’s now seeing me for the first time. ”Going somewhere nice?”

  “Um…yeah, about that. I should have told you earlier, and if I had known you were cooking dinner, I would have…” I pause, thinking how to approach this unfamiliar situation. “It’s…I have a dinner date.”

  “A date? Well, that’s wonderful, Finn. Really lovely.” He smiles and pauses, scratching his forehead. “Don’t you think it’s too soon? It’s only be
en two days. Do we know him? Is he trustworthy? Maybe I should come with you.” He holds his hands on his hips in a protective stance, worried for me.

  He also does this thing where he bites his bottom lip while drawing his forehead wrinkles. It’s too cute.

  “Don’t worry about me, Theo. Like they say, if you fall off the horse, it’s best to get back in the saddle, so to speak. And it’s not a him, it’s a her.” His eyebrows shoot so far up his forehead they almost disappear into his hairline. I didn’t realise it would shock him this much. He’s flabbergasted.

  “A girl? You’re going on a date with a girl? And you hardly fell off a horse,” he huffs out and returns to chopping the vegetables haphazardly. If he isn’t careful, he’ll cut a finger off.

  “And what’s wrong with dating a girl? You date plenty of them.” I’m offended at his audacity, folding my arms in defiance.

  “I’m taken aback, that’s all. You never date girls. You always said you preferred dating guys, and that you liked girls to have fun with. You haven’t dated a girl in the proper sense since high school, Finn,” he says this matter-of-factly, while still chopping those bloody vegetables. “And I don’t date girls. I only sleep with them. There’s a difference.”

  “There is?”

  “Yes, Finn, there is. Sleeping with someone is sex. Having a need fulfilled. Dating—to me anyway—is a hope for further dates. A hope for the future, a relationship. Why a girl?” he asks, chewing his bottom lip.

  “I’ve slept with plenty of girls, Theo. I like her. I met her in the gym this morning. She’s new around here, and I thought I would show her around, maybe hook up with her from time to time. Like you do,” I quip with a flippant attitude.

  “Because you’ve only ever slept with girls with me there, as a threesome. And that’s fine. I never mind sharing with you. I just wondered why you wanted a girl of your own now, all of a sudden. Especially so soon after…you know.”