My Daddy Is a Hero

by Lena Derhally

  It’s very likely Chris is telling the truth here, at least the part where he secretly slipped her oxycodone in North Carolina. It may have been after this failed attempt of getting rid of the baby that he started to seriously plot the murders.

  • • •

  Chris and Shanann took Bella and CeCe to Pavilion Park in Myrtle Beach, and the girls had fun on carnival rides and bouncing on the trampolines. Chris was easily agitated, snapping at them and losing his patience, which was extremely out of character for him. He was annoyed with his daughters in a way that he had never been before.

  While he was in North Carolina, Shanann told him that he was welcome to see his family, but she and the girls would not see them after “nutgate” and the snubbing of CeCe’s birthday party. Chris continued to hide nude photos of Nikki in the secret calculator.

  On August 4, while Nikki spent two hours searching for wedding dresses on the internet, Shanann finally confronted Chris over text in a lengthy message:

  “Truth came out last night. I didn’t create no dagger between you and your dad. That was done by your mom and your dad and I won’t change a thing. My daughter’s life is way more important and you better believe I wanted to say a whole lot more than I did, but I was being the bigger person. I didn’t tell your dad not to come to party. I didn’t tell him not to text, or call your granddaughter, on her birthday. I didn’t tell him to start acting like he only has 2 grandkids instead of 4. I didn’t block your family on Facebook, he did. Myself and your kids have nothing to say to them. They do. They owe your kids their life. Your parent’s home isn’t a safe zone. Your mom isn’t safe! You can let them tell you what you want, but I didn’t tell anyone to stop loving your kids or stop acting like it. He did that, not me. You can believe I created this dagger, but I didn’t do that. I stood up for our kids, I advocated and protected our children. I don’t ever want to hear I’m sorry I killed your kid because I was stupid.’ That would kill me…These kids are my world and I have to protect them from the evil of the world. I shouldn’t have to protect them from evil family. Our kids deserve the same love and attention the other kids get, nothing less. I’m not accepting I’m sorry from your mom, because she doesn’t mean it and she knew what she was doing. I made it very clear not to eat it around Celeste, because she doesn’t understand, way before that happened. She’s evil and willing to risk your daughter’s life just to get under my skin. You and your dad are no different if you are ok with her behavior. There’s nothing wrong with me and I’m not crazy. I just love my kids way too much. From the day I left you never said I missed you before I said it. Something changed when I left. You may be happier alone and that’s fine. You can be alone! This pregnancy, you have failed to acknowledge it, or to acknowledge how I’m feeling. The first trimester is the scariest and most dangerous, yet we can lose this baby at any point till delivery. I’m not going to be treated this way for having the balls to protect our family and kids. I should get a gold fucking medal for handling it the way I did, because I had a lot of choice words l wanted to say to her and your dad for his stupidity. No one stands up to your mom and your dad for that. He’s just as guilty by not doing anything. I have nothing to do with him stopping sharing memories of his grandkids. What does that have to do with me? They are fucking with our kids’ feelings and that I’m not ok with.”

  In a small twist of foreshadowing, Shanann continued: “I am their mother and I will protect them. I have enough to worry about with the world out there, I’m not going to worry about family. I will just remove it. I also don’t control what you do. If you want to go hang out with your parents today, by all means do so, but without us. Don’t put it on me why you can’t go. You are your own person.”

  In his most lengthy response to Shanann in a long time, Chris finally responded: “These kids mean the world to me and always will. Yes, my mom truly screwed up in a huge way, more than a huge way. I don’t know what I would’ve done if something happened to CeCe. These kiddos are the light of my life and seeing their sweet, incredible smiles and playfulness makes me smile every day. I’m sorry for the way I’ve been acting, I’ve just been in my head and I haven’t been right at all.”

  There are several psychopathic traits highlighted in this text. He is clearly lying about everything. He would not have cared if something happened to CeCe. In fact, thoughts of killing his entire family had entered his mind at this point. Even his words sound completely phony and syrupy sweet, as if he were reciting from a Hallmark card.

  “Yes, that l created this dagger between you and your dad and that wasn’t me. That was them. I protected our daughter from their stupidity. They created that and you belong with them thinking otherwise. I didn’t tell your dad to remove himself from the kid’s life... I did and do not deserve to be treated the way you have. I defended our daughter,” Shanann fired back.

  “Yes, you protected our daughter and l thank you for that a million times a million. I don’t think they are innocent in any of this. They do want to be in the kids’ life and I’m not sure they even know how to right now. They should’ve swallowed whatever they needed to and came to CeCe’s birthday party and called her and shouldn’t have blocked all social media contact with them. I don’t care what they do with us, just as long as they love and respect the kids. I’m not used to not having a relationship with my dad. I should’ve just called him before it got to this point where it got in my head- I didn’t and that’s my fault” Chris responded in his typical conflict averse fashion. He was used to talking people down from the ledge and he was good at it. He automatically reverted to his default way of operating.

  “Why should you beg them to be in their life? They pick up the phone and apologize for starters. They show up to her birthday, especially since we were an hour away. They did this. They make the effort. You blame me for this so-called dagger between you and him. Fuck that. You are just like them. Believe what he tells you and move back home where you weren’t appreciated when I met you. No one ever protected you from your mom and someone should have before me. I’m done being the bad guy in all this. Especially when I had more balls to stand up for you a long time ago with them. My bad for thinking you deserved better. Now my kids are in the pic and I’m done.”

  Shanann continued: “While it’s on my mind: if I’m in the wrong that’s one thing, but I’m not here, and you not standing up for us and the girls is not cool. You just make it, so they feel they did no wrong and brush it under the rug. I will never trust your parents alone with our kids. EVER! This is the week we started dating 8 years ago. They ruin everything special. I won’t forgive you, or them, for that. I’m tired of it. I’m the one that takes care of you, not them. You are making me feel like complete shit these last several weeks, especially this week and I’m not ok with it and l won’t change my ways when it comes to our kids. And I always defended you. Always.”

  Three minutes later, Shanann added to her text messages: “I’m not asking you to choose who to be with l shouldn’t have to ask you to choose right from wrong. You are not happy, then you know where to go... Worst summer ever.”

  Meanwhile, back in Colorado, Nikki was searching Facebook for Chris’s and Shanann’s profiles.

  • • •

  On August 5, Shanann and Chris communicated via text messaging about Chris visiting his family for the remainder of his time in North Carolina. Chris wanted the girls to see his grandmother (Maw Maw).

  “Are you wanting to go to see just Maw Maw tomorrow? or family too?” Shanann asked.

  “l was hoping both. If not, that’s ok too. I wanted to see Maw Maw in the morning, if possible. You wanted the girls to see her too, right?” Chris replied.

  “If both then that’s fine, but alone. If just Maw Maw we will go... They saw her twice and they can go again but I’m standing strong with your family. You can use the truck and see both. But I just need to know... I’m not going to be the reason you don’t see th
em. So, if you do, you just go,” Shanann responded.

  “I know they would love to see Maw Maw one more time,” Chris wrote. “I bet Maw Maw would love to see them too since she remembers them. I don’t want to leave anyone without a car here though either. Should I have someone pick me up at nursing home so the girls can still see Maw Maw?”

  “I’m not going to be where there’s a chance we will run into your family. I’m not kidding, Christopher. I’m having a bad experience these last few days with my pregnancy and I’m spotting. I’m not dealing with it well... Have your parents pick you up when kids go down tonight then and do what you need to...”

  “l want kids to see Maw Maw. I will make sure there is zero chance anyone will see them,” Chris reassured Shanann.

  Later, that evening, Shanann sent a screenshot quote to his phone.

  “Husbands: stand up for your wife and protect her from the attacks that come from the people close to you. Let your family and friends know that when it comes to your wife and marriage, there is a line they cannot cross. If you have to take sides, then always take your wife’s side. From the day you said ‘l do’ your wife displaces your parents, friends and siblings. Apart from God, your wife now occupies and assumes the privileged first place of honor in your life. Oftentimes it requires that you lovingly stand up for your wife in front of your parents, especially your mother. Therefore, what God has joined together, let no (mother, father, brother, sister, friend or boss) separate.”- Isaac Kubvoruno

  Shortly after sending this quote, Shanann confronted Chris over a series of vulnerable text messages about his odd behavior. She seemed desperate to figure out what was wrong. She wanted to fix it. She wanted the old Chris back and the marriage she treasured so much.

  “l don’t know how you fell out of love with me in 5.5 weeks, or if this has been going on for a long time, but you don’t plan another baby if you’re not in love. Kids don’t deserve a broken family... I left you, you couldn’t take your hands off me. You show up and I have to practically ask for a kiss in airport….

  “Being away from you, it’s not the help I missed because I handle that. It was exhausting, but with school that’s not hard. I missed the smell of you, you touching me when I’m cooking, you touching me in bed, you touching me period! I missed holding you and snuggling with you. I missed eating with you, watching TV with you. I missed staring at you, I missed making love with you. I missed everything about you. I couldn’t wait to touch you, hold you, kiss you, make love to you, smell you, laugh with you. I couldn’t wait to celebrate 8 years with you... If you are done, don’t love me, don’t want to work this out, not happy anymore and only staying because of kids, I NEED you to tell me.

  Would you stay with me if we didn’t have kids?

  l just don’t get it. You don’t fall out of love in 5 weeks. How can you sleep? Our marriage is crumbling in front of us and you can sleep.”

  • • •

  The morning of August 6, while Chris was staying with his family, he searched the internet for the distance from the moon to the earth. (He seemed fond of the phrase, “Love you to the moon and back”). The phrase is a cliché, and because Chris had become very good at mimicking phrases and words that sounded good, he had probably used that phrase as a robotic response to his wife and daughters. He knew that’s what he was supposed to say, but it held no weight for him. Perhaps he confused the lustful feelings he had for Nikki with love. For the first time in his life, something was stirring in Chris, but completely unaware of his own emotions, he needed an online website to figure them out. I wonder if these new emotions for Nikki were piquing his curiosity to find out how much love existed between the moon and earth.

  Shanann continued to text Chris after a brief conversation they had.

  “Your only response last night was ‘l don’t want to lose the kids!’ You used me to just have a boy!’ Only reason you wanted another kid?! I can’t handle this and you are ok with it. Why didn’t you just tell me you were done?!? Why get me pregnant?!?”

  “I’m not just staying because of the kids,” Chris replied. “They are my light and that will not change. I didn’t fall out of love in 5 weeks, that’s impossible. I don’t want to erase 8 years just like that. I’m not sure what’s in my head. I don’t know if it’s my parents, the third pregnancy, if I’m just scared or what. I didn’t use you.”

  “That’s what you said last night... you can’t even say why you’re married to me. That’s a stab in the heart... You didn’t say you didn’t want to lose us, you said you didn’t want to lose the kids.”

  “l don’t want to lose anyone,” Chris replied.

  Shanann responded in another ironic and sad hint of foreshadowing of what was to come.

  “This has been the worst week of my life! We were supposed to celebrate love and family. But instead, hate and whatever you call it. I’m not willing to watch something dangerous happen to one of our kids with your family for you to wake up. They will give you sorry excuses today!! I don’t know what to say.

  You don’t see you, or how you’re treating me... 8 years of ‘love’ and you are treating me horribly. I fell deeper in love with you this summer, you fell out. That’s not love. Love falls deeper in love when apart, not out. You don’t love me. or you have a horrible way of showing it. You haven’t fought for me this week. It’s only the kids.”

  As usual, Chris continued to casually transfer photos of Nikki into his Secret Calculator throughout the day while his marriage was imploding. Later, he told Shanann that his parents didn’t want to drive him to the location where she was. Shanann asked him if he wanted her to come pick him up. He told her it was up to her, and his dad was cool bringing him back to where she was first thing the next morning.

  Shanann, agitated again, snapped, “We fucking leave tomorrow. I need help.”

  She told Chris she was on her way to pick him up, but ultimately Ronnie agreed to drive him back to Shanann. Before he left his childhood home, Chris took pictures of photos in the house, including a childhood family portrait.

  Later that evening, after he was back with Shanann, she texted him again from another room:

  “l was trying to get you to fucking hug me. Make me feel safe. This is much deeper than ‘lack of conversation!’ Make me feel like everything is going to be ok.”

  “It will be ok. This will all get fixed,” Chris replied, reverting back to his aversion to conflict.

  “No. I don’t need words damnit. You just told me you don’t want this baby,” Shanann said, sounding anxious and angry.

  “l am scared, ok,” Chris retorted. “You wanted the truth and I told you how l felt.”

  “You hold me after that conversation, you hold me. If you want this to fucking last you make me feel safe after that bomb... Don’t you get it? “How many times do I have to ask you to hold me? You hate me that much?” Shanann said, seemingly feeling overwhelming anxiety.

  “l don’t hate you. l will fix this. It will be better,” Chris was lying again, clearly not knowing what else to say to calm down his wife.

  “You didn’t answer me. I’m begging you to hold me and you still can’t.”

  “l don’t know where my head is at. I will fix it though,” Chris repeated.

  Shanann knew in her gut something else was wrong. She knew she wasn’t crazy. She needed Chris to tell her what was really going on.

  She texted back to him: “This isn’t the only thing. This doesn’t get your head all screwed up. Something changed in the last 5 weeks... Something you won’t say.”

  Chris didn’t respond.

  • • •

  Shanann was devastated, and the physical strain of the pregnancy didn’t help. She didn’t feel comfortable fully confiding in her parents about her marriage troubles. They could tell Chris was acting weird, distant, and not his usual self, but they didn’t realize how bad things were.
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br />   Shanann decided to confide in one of her closest friends and Thrive team members, Addy. In heartbreaking text messages to her, Shanann detailed how emotionally tortured she had been from everything that was happening since she arrived in North Carolina.

  “Addy, he’s changed. I don’t know who he is anymore.”

  “What do you mean?” Addy asked.

  “He hasn’t touched me all week, kissed me, talked to me except for when I’m trying to figure out what is wrong. He’s been distant since I left.”

  “What’s the deal with his parents? Maybe he’s distant because of that. Was he on board with you leaving for that long? Could he be resentful?” Addy asked.

  “He said they apologized, and they didn’t come to Celeste’s party because they were scared of me. That’s bullshit. If you are sincerely sorry and love your son and grandkids you reach out and say that. He was totally on board. We decided it together. Quality time with everyone. I’m supposed to go tomorrow for 4D ultrasound and gender reveal next Saturday. I just want to cry. We’ve never had a problem in our relationship like this. No joke. NEVER. THIS IS TOTAL LEFT FIELD. He was submissive to his parents last night, as usual. He hasn’t asked me once about how I’m feeling or the baby. I was vomiting the other day so bad and he just existed. I don’t know where my head is at. I’ll fix it though (he texted me).

  “Aww honey, it will be ok…just give him time,” Addy said. “He’s adjusting to the idea of the baby. He’s scared. He shouldn’t be doing this to you, but he’s a good guy, he will fix it.”

  “What if he really doesn’t love me anymore?!” Shanann texted. What Shanann didn’t realize was that Chris never truly loved her to begin with. He was incapable of real love.