Plays 2

by Georges Feydeau

  Marthe You should not, Madame. You’re right. That I can’t deny.

  Sophie I could call someone. On the telephone. Who? His club. He told me he had a club. I’ll get the operator, you get the number.

  Marthe Yes, Madame.

  While Sophie does all that old-fashioned-telephone business, Marthe searches through the directory.

  Sophie What do they do all day? Why don’t they answer?

  Marthe That’s a bad time of day, Madame. The women arriving for the day shift, the night-shift men going home.

  Sophie They could surely find someone else. Little boys, for example.

  Marthe They could, Madame. You’re right. That I can’t deny.

  Sophie What’s the number?

  Marthe There isn’t one, Madame.

  Sophie What d’you mean, isn’t one?

  Marthe Not under ‘Club’, Madame.

  Sophie It’s ‘Touring Club’, ‘Touring Club’.

  Marthe That it is, Madame. You’re right. That I can’t deny.

  Sophie You’re doing this on purpose. Listen! Wheels! A vehicle!

  Marthe (on the balcony) That it is, Madame.

  Sophie Is Monsieur inside?

  Marthe I don’t think so, Madame. That’s a fish-cart.

  She stays out there during what follows.

  Sophie This is too bad!

  The phone rings.

  At last! Hello. I’m sorry, I’ve nowhere else to turn. My husband, I’ve lost my husband. No, mislaid. He hasn’t come home. I know it’s early. It’s never happened before. You don’t know where he – ? No, of course. Oh, please. Thank you Monsieur.

  She hangs up.

  Now what are we going to do?

  Enter Auguste, agitated.

  Sophie Auguste, thank goodness? Yes?

  Auguste No, Madame.

  Sophie No?

  Auguste I went everywhere you asked, Madame. Restaurants, bars. All closed. Maxim’s … waiters putting out the rubbish; the drunk they were putting out … No, not Monsieur. The police station, Lost Property Office …

  Sophie He isn’t lost property.

  Auguste They do Missing Persons as well. Saves money. The morgue …

  Sophie No!

  Auguste They hadn’t seen Monsieur.

  Sophie Thank God.

  Auguste They said not to worry, though, it was early. I left Monsieur’s description: average height, medium nose, hair nondescript, speaks three languages fluently … I left the telephone number, in case he …

  Sophie Thanks, Auguste.

  Doorbell, off.

  Auguste Perhaps that’s Monsieur.

  Sophie No, he took his key. It must be Monsieur Belgence. Let him in.

  Auguste Yes, Madame.

  Exit.

  Sophie (to Marthe at the window) Still no one, Marthe?

  Marthe No, Madame. You’re right. That I can’t deny.

  Auguste ushers in Belgence.

  Sophie Ah. You – ?

  Belgence My dear, what’s wrong? Whatever’s the matter?

  Sophie Thank you for coming. I’m sorry I rang you so early…

  Belgence That doesn’t matter. You know I –

  Sophie I don’t know what to do. I need someone to help me. My husband still isn’t home.

  Belgence You said, on the phone just now. It’s appalling.

  Sophie What can have happened to him? It’s never happened before. Oh, he’s had an accident.

  Belgence No, he hasn’t. Accidents aren’t like this.

  Sophie Don’t spare me. He’s dead. I know he’s dead.

  Belgence (comforting her) There, there. There, there.

  Sophie Still nothing, Marthe?

  Marthe No, Madame.

  Sophie You see? I didn’t tell her to say that.

  Marthe That’s true, Madame. Nothing. That I can’t deny.

  Belgence (playing it like a Dutch uncle) Come on, now. We’re human. It’s not all lost. While there’s life, there’s hope. We must do something.

  Sophie What do you suggest?

  Belgence I don’t know, something. In fact, I’ve done something already. On my way here, I passed the police station. The inspector’s a friend of mine: Planteloup. I said to him, ’Planteloup, no time to lose. A friend of mine’s just lost her husband … mysterious circumstances …’ He said, ‘I’m on my way’ – he won’t be long. He’s not brilliant, but he is a policeman.

  Sophie He’s dead, oh my God, he’s dead.

  She flings herself sobbing on to the sofa.

  Belgence Now, now, there’s no need to put yourself in such a state.

  He sits and tries to comfort her.

  Please. My dear. I can’t bear to see you. Oh, Sophie … (Down on one knee) Sophie, you know I’ve always loved you.

  Sophie (indignantly) What?

  Belgence I’m devoted to you. I didn’t speak out, because you’re married. But now I can say, with all my heart –

  Sophie How dare you?

  Belgence What?

  Sophie Make declarations like that at a time like this!

  Belgence I’m not making declarations.

  Sophie Enough! You’ve said quite enough already. What d’you take me for? Why should I listen to proposals, with my husband not even cold?

  Belgence You haven’t. I didn’t. All I meant was, I’m your slave, I’ll do anything you want, you can count on me for anything.

  Sophie Ah. (Leaning her head on his breast) Thank you. I thought … When he was hardly … he was always so fond of you.

  Belgence (touched) Dear Émile!

  Sophie Only yesterday he was saying, ‘Good old Belgence. Not much up top, but a dear, dear friend.’

  Belgence, moved, blows his nose, wipes away a tear.

  Sophie That was yesterday, and now today he’s –

  Belgence Alas.

  They sigh together. Pause. Doorbell, off.

  Sophie The bell! Marthe!

  Belgence Marthe!

  Sophie (yelling) Ma-a-a-a-a-arthe!

  Marthe arrives, fast.

  Sophie Someone at the door.

  Marthe Yes, Madame.

  She hurries to the hall door.

  Belgence It’s probably Inspector Planteloup, from the police.

  Just as Marthe gets to the door, Auguste throws it open from the other side.

  Auguste It’s Inspector Planteloup, from the police.

  Sophie Show him in.

  She composes herself. Enter Planteloup and Constable. Belgence goes to greet Planteloup.

  Belgence My dear Planteloup, you’re as welcome as flowers in spring. This is the unfortunate Madame Massenay.

  Planteloup Madame, Monsieur Belgence has told me everything. You’ve no idea how pleased I am.

  Sophie Pardon?

  Planteloup For a police inspector, a major crime is manna from heaven. Often, it means promotion. Alas, you see, we don’t all start on a level playing field. I’ve colleagues, in Belleville and Charonne, for example, fate smiles on them quite unfairly. Crimes, crimes, crimes, they hardly have to stir out of bed.

  Sophie Inspector –

  Planteloup I, on the other hand … this dreadful area … a drunk singing in the street is major crime.

  Sophie Inspector, I really –

  Planteloup Now at last, perhaps … the fickle finger of destiny, smiling on me, on me … Monsieur Massenay, a blameless, upright citizen, vanished overnight … dark doings at dead of night … this could be magnificent. (To the Constable.) Sit you down there, laddie. Make detailed notes. Now, Madame, in the Massenay Affair (as I think it will soon be called), the simplest theory to begin with is: murder.

  Sophie I don’t know that.

  Planteloup (benignly) Of course you don’t. That’s what we have to prove. Our simple duty.

  Sophie (furious) Oh!

  Planteloup Now, d’you have, by any chance, a photograph?

  Sophie Of poor Émile?

  Planteloup Of poor Émile. Exactly.

  Sophie
Just one. On his seventh birthday.

  Planteloup He’ll have changed since then. How vexing. Our first setback.

  He muses. Doorbell, off.

  All except Planteloup Someone’s there! Someone’s there!

  Planteloup Did you scream, Madame?

  Sophie Someone rang the bell. Auguste, go and see.

  Auguste Yes, Madame.

  Exit.

  Sophie I’m sorry, Inspector. I’m not myself…

  Planteloup That’s quite all right. We don’t lose our husbands every day.

  Sophie Ah.

  Planteloup One question, Madame … of a delicate nature. If you wouldn’t mind.

  Sophie No, no.

  Planteloup Did he have any little habits?

  Sophie Who, little habits?

  Planteloup Poor Émile.

  Sophie What little habits?

  Planteloup Drink, sex, gambling …

  Sophie Of course he didn’t.

  Planteloup Oh, what a shame.

  Sophie What?

  Planteloup From the inquiry point of view.

  Sophie (aside to Belgence) Stop me before I slap him.

  Belgence (aside to her) Better not.

  Enter Auguste.

  Sophie Well? Who is it?

  Auguste A roadsweeper.

  All Roadsweeper?

  Auguste With Monsieur’s clothes.

  All Eh?

  Sophie What do you mean, his clothes?

  Auguste They were in the street.

  All No!

  Sophie In the street?

  Belgence Just the clothes?

  Sophie And Monsieur?

  Belgence and Planteloup And Monsieur?

  Auguste He wasn’t in them.

  Planteloup Not in them, eh?

  Sophie He must have been.

  Auguste That’s what the sweeper said. At least if I understood him.

  Sophie He doesn’t speak French?

  Auguste Yes he does. Except when he’s barking.

  All Barking?

  Auguste Barking. It’s hard to follow.

  Sophie Oh, show him in.

  Auguste Yes, Madame.

  Exit.

  Sophie We’ll see about this.

  Planteloup We will indeed.

  Sophie His clothes. In the street. What’s he doing?

  Belgence Walking round stark naked, by the sound of it.

  Planteloup (rubbing his hands) This gets juicier by the minute.

  Sophie (aside to Belgence) He’s enjoying this.

  Belgence (aside to her) They lead very quiet lives.

  Auguste fetches in Lapige, a man at peace with the world, with his street-sweeper’s hat in his hand.

  Auguste In here.

  Sophie Quickly! You found the clothes?

  Planteloup Excuse me. I’ll ask the questions.

  Sophie I just asked him –

  Planteloup Excuse me. This is police business.

  Sophie This is my business.

  Planteloup Madame, are you obstructing our inquiries?

  Sophie (Reside herself) That does it!

  She leaps for him, but is caught by Belgence in the nick of time, and taken, muttering, to sit on the sofa.

  Planteloup Over here, my man.

  Lapige advances to stand in front of him.

  Planteloup You found the clothes?

  Lapige is about to answer, when Planteloup turns to Sophie.

  Planteloup That was what you wanted me to ask, Madame?

  Sophie (ironically) It’ll do, it’ll do.

  Planteloup These things must be done officially, in the official manner. An amateur might let something slip, which would seriously damage the whole inquiry.

  Sophie throws her arms in the air. He returns to Lapige.

  Planteloup My man: you may answer the question.

  Lapige Um … (Barking) Ruff, ruff, ruff.

  Sophie What’s he doing?

  Planteloup (warningly) Madame, please! (To Lapige.)

  What are you doing?

  Auguste I told you.

  Lapige (who has been barking throughout the above) Ruff, ruff, ruff. It’s all right, Madame, Messieurs. When I’m nervous, it happens, and then … (Growling like a dog) rrrr, rrrr … it passes.

  Belgence Fascinating.

  Sophie There’s nothing to be nervous about.

  Planteloup One more bark, and let’s have no more of it.

  Lapige It isn’t like that.

  Planteloup Well. Give your evidence.

  Lapige This morning, I was on my patch, rue du Colisée …

  Sophie Where?

  Lapige Outside number 21.

  Planteloup 21 rue du Colisée. Have you got that, constable?

  Lapige I found some clothes. They belong to Monsieur Massenay, 28 rue de Longchamp. The address was in his wallet. In his pocket.

  He hands Planteloup the things.

  Planteloup The pockets!

  He, Sophie and Belgence fall on the clothes and start going through the pockets, putting the items they find on the table.

  Sophie Here’s the wallet.

  Planteloup Peppermints.

  Belgence Purse. Keys.

  Sophie Gloves, clean hanky.

  Planteloup Bus timetable.

  Belgence Change.

  Planteloup Ow!

  All What?

  Planteloup A toothpick. That’s sinister.

  Belgence A revolver.

  Sophie That’s his.

  Planteloup It’s not been fired. (To the Constable.) The deceased was taken by surprise.

  Sophie No!

  Planteloup (laying the revolver on the table) Now, my man, how did these garments get into the street?

  Lapige How should I know? All I know is they were lying in the … ruff, ruff, ruff.

  Planteloup He’s doing it again.

  Sophie We noticed.

  Belgence He was doing so well.

  Planteloup Take it calmly. There boy, there boy. Lying in the … ?

  Lapige In the ruff, ruff.

  Sophie (trying to help him) The gutter?

  Lapige Rrr … ruff … yes.

  Planteloup ‘In the gutter.’ That wasn’t so hard. Madame said it, and she didn’t bark. It’s quite … When did you begin?

  Lapige Last night.

  Planteloup Not finding the clothes, barking.

  Lapige The day I was born.

  Planteloup Ah.

  Lapige Mama was frightened by a greyhound.

  Planteloup A greyhound. (To the Constable.) A greyhound.

  Lapige He climbed all over her.

  Planteloup Aha! You claim that this greyhound and your mother …

  Lapige No, no. Mama was … long before he … ruff, ruff, ruff.

  Planteloup Yes, yes. Don’t start again. I understand. A fixation … (To the Constable.) a retrospective fixation.

  Sophie Never mind all that!

  Planteloup Excuse me, Madame. All evidence could be vital. (To Lapige.) Apart from the clothes, you found nothing else? Nothing that might suggest who left them there?

  Lapige does one of those elaborate French shrugs.

  Planteloup Excellent. Go and sit over there. And don’t bark unless you’re spoken to.

  Auguste shows Lapige to a chair, out of the way.

  Planteloup Constable, take this down. ‘Conclusion after preliminary investigation of roadsweeper, in the mysterious Massenay affair …’

  Sophie Shh!

  All (whisper) What?

  Sophie I heard a key.

  All A key?

  Sophie Someone’s coming.

  She switches off the light. They freeze where they are. Pause. Then the door opens surreptitiously, and a hand holding a candlestick comes in.

  All (whisper) A candle, look, a candle.

  The hand is followed by Massenay, dressed in top hat, long-johns and Hubertin’s outsize trousers. He creeps towards one of the inner rooms, making as little noise as possible. He is interrupted by a hug
e shout.

  All It’s him! It’s him!

  Light on. General rejoicing (not shared by Planteloup). Consternation of Massenay.

  Sophie Émile!

  Belgence Massenay!

  Marthe and Auguste Monsieur!

  Lapige Ruff, ruff.

  Planteloup Now then, now then.

  Massenay Good heavens, you’re up already.

  Sophie You’re not dead.

  Massenay Oh. Yes. How are you? My goodness, it’s late.

  Sophie Late? What d’you mean? Coming home at this hour?

  Planteloup (striding forward) Monsieur, explain yourself.

  Sophie It’s him. It’s my husband. (To Massenay.) Oh, darling.

  Belgence (to Planteloup) She’s right. It’s him.

  Planteloup Irrelevant. Monsieur, this is highly irregular. You disappear, you’re murdered, the police are called in … You can’t just spring up again out of nowhere.

  Massenay Who is this man?

  Sophie A police inspector. We thought something had happened to you.

  Belgence They were opening an inquiry.

  Massenay (highly amused) I don’t believe it. (To Planteloup.) Good news, Monsieur: you can close it again.

  Planteloup Just one moment. We’re not puppets, you know. We don’t dance just because you pull our strings.

  Belgence Planteloup, old man –

  Planteloup Stay out of it. (To Massenay.) This is a most unusual case … extremely rare …

  Massenay I’m sorry. But for me it’s a matter of … life or death.

  Sophie What did happen?

  Planteloup (aggressively) That’s what we’d all like to know. Explain yourself.

  Massenay Excuse me, if I explain myself to anyone, it’ll be to my wife.

  Sophie Go on, then. Why are you back at this hour, and dressed like that?

  Massenay You noticed the clothes.

  Sophie Of course I noticed the clothes.

  Planteloup Highly irregular.

  Massenay D’you know, this candle … I think it’s light enough to see by.

  He blows out the candle.

  Planteloup It’s been light enough to see by for three whole hours.

  Massenay (sarcastically) Thank you so much.

  Sophie Well? Well? Explain yourself.

  Massenay Fine. First of all: these aren’t my clothes.

  Planteloup You’re joking.

  Sophie For heaven’s sake!

  Massenay You don’t believe me?

  Sophie What’s the explanation?

  Massenay Ah, the explanation. It’s … you see … the railway company.

  All The railway company?

  Auguste (slightly out of phase with the others) – way company?

  Massenay Auguste, you’ve got it: the railway company. (To them all.) I must have dozed off. Forgetting the compartment was full of people. Next minute, I’m awake, and paf! They’ve stolen my clothes. Chloroform. They left me these … I was wearing these. They don’t fit, do they?