Plays 2

by Georges Feydeau

  Sophie What rubbish! What line?

  Massenay Line, line? Oh, line. Didn’t I tell you? (To Belgence.) I forgot to tell her. (To Sophie.) You’ll never believe this. Calais. I’ve been to Calais. In these clothes, to Calais.

  All Calais!

  Auguste (as before) – alais!

  Massenay (to him) Exactly, Calais. I went to the station to see some people off … for Calais.

  Planteloup Highly irregular.

  Massenay What d’you mean, irregular? I bought a platform ticket. They said, ‘It won’t be going for ages. Come and sit down inside.’ ‘Oh, right. Gut, gut.’ – one of them was German, the youngest one, hardly more than a boy really …

  Sophie Get on with it.

  Massenay Next minute … D’you know, they don’t come round and warn you … They used to come round and warn you … The train started, and whoof!

  Sophie Whoof!

  Planteloup Amazing.

  Belgence Incredible.

  Massenay Unfortunately, it wasn’t a stopping train. So: Calais I went to, Calais I came back from, paf!, these clothes … and here I am.

  Planteloup What is the world coming to?

  Sophie Poor darling.

  Massenay That’s just what I kept thinking. ‘Poor darling. She’ll be watching. She’ll be waiting …’ But there was nothing I could do. None of it was my fault.

  Planteloup We believe you.

  Massenay I was asleep. The carriage was full of people.

  Planteloup Not to mention choloroform.

  Massenay How do you know?

  Planteloup You said so.

  Massenay There you are then. It hangs together perfectly.

  Sophie It’s unbelievable.

  Belgence Unbelievable.

  Planteloup Unbelievable.

  Massenay (venting his rage on him) What d’you mean, unbelievable? What are you, an atheist?

  Planteloup Now, then. I’ll be the judge of that. One other thing …

  Massenay What ‘other thing’?

  Planteloup It’s extraordinary. Your clothes were stolen on a train somewhere on the way to Calais, and they were picked up on the pavement of the rue du Colisée.

  Massenay Oh God.

  Sophie He’s right, you know.

  Belgence So he is.

  Massenay You mean, someone … ?

  Planteloup My friend, exactly.

  Massenay On the … on the … ?

  Planteloup Exactly: on the.

  Massenay Well, well, well, well, well, well.

  Planteloup Weren’t expecting that, were we?

  Massenay What d’you mean, ‘were we’?

  Planteloup And the explanation?

  Massenay I … It … it’s obvious. The train … the robbers … communication cord … it was a stopping train!

  Planteloup And there we have it.

  Massenay Are you calling me a liar?

  Belgence Émile, keep calm.

  Massenay He’s getting on my nerves.

  Planteloup (equally cross, squaring up to him) Now, then!

  Belgence, Sophie (trying to calm Massenay) Émile!

  Massenay How should I know how my clothes got into the rue du Colisée? I wasn’t in them, was I?

  Planteloup Precisely.

  Massenay In any case, who found them?

  Planteloup, Sophie, Belgence He did.

  Massenay (to Lapige) You did. Fine. You can tell them. Was I in them?

  Lapige Urn … ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff.

  Massenay Pardon?

  Lapige Ruff.

  Massenay What are you barking for? I didn’t ask for barking. I asked if I was in them.

  Lapige Rrrr … rrrrr … No.

  Massenay (triumphant) You see? Rrr, no. We were separated. Not my responsibility. In any case, who cares? Your business, not mine. Police business, not my business.

  Planteloup Just you wait. (To the Constable.) Mark this one ‘Urgent’.

  Massenay Mark it any way you like. Now, if you’ll excuse me, since you’ve found my clothes …

  He starts gathering them up.

  Planteloup Leave those alone.

  Massenay They’re mine.

  Planteloup They’re evidence. Not to be tampered with.

  Massenay (tugging) Excuse me.

  Planteloup (tugging) Excuse me.

  Mêlée. Massenay is left with nothing but his hat and kis hankie.

  Massenay Well, thanks. Not content with sticking his nose in where it doesn’t belong, he snaffles my best suit.

  Planteloup (huge) What did you say?

  Belgence (trying to calm Massenay) Émile, calm down.

  Massenay (turning him and pushing him away) You stay out of it.

  Belgence (trying to calm Planteloup) Planteloup, calm down.

  Planteloup (same gesture as Massenay) You calm down.

  He turns his back and sulks.

  Massenay What idiot brought him here in the first place?

  Planteloup (turning, furious) What did you say?

  Belgence (pacifying, penitent) I did. Sorry.

  Massenay I should think you’re sorry. Take him back where you found him.

  Planteloup What did you say?

  Massenay I wasn’t talking to you.

  Planteloup Well, I’m talking to you, and I’m telling you your behaviour has been most suspicious from start to finish.

  Massenay From start – ?

  Planteloup – to finish!

  Sophie Belgence, stop them!

  Belgence Planteloup, old chap, listen …

  Planteloup I will not listen! I am not an old chap. I’m an officer of the law. You, sweeper, follow me.

  Lapige tags at his heels like a faithful hound. Planteloup rounds on Massenay.

  Planteloup And you: hold yourself at the disposition of the law.

  Belgence Planteloup!

  Planteloup Not listening! Come on, you!

  He whirls to summon Lapige, not realising that Lapige is right behind him. He treads hard on his foot. Lapige retreats, whimpering like a dog.

  Lapige A-hoo, a-hoo.

  Planteloup Oh, never mind your paw … your foot. Get out of the way.

  Lapige A-hoo, a-hoo. A-hoo.

  Massenay Throw him a bone, why don’t you?

  Planteloup storms out, pushing Lapige and followed by the Constable and Belgence. Massenay sees them to the door, slams it behind them, then comes downstage, still raging.

  Massenay What a brute! What a total brute!

  Sophie Never mind him. Only one thing matters: you’re here, you’re back.

  Massenay (taking her in his arms) Darling.

  Auguste Ahem. Monsieur …

  Massenay Ah. Fetch me something to wear. Marthe, a cup of tea, with rum.

  Marthe Yes, Monsieur.

  Exeunt Auguste and Marthe.

  Sophie Oh darling, I thought I was going mad. I couldn’t know about Calais, could I?

  Massenay Oh no.

  Sophie I’m glad I was so worried. It’s good for you. You don’t know the value of the husband you have till you haven’t got him.

  Massenay Seems a bit hard.

  Enter Auguste with clothes.

  Auguste Here you are, Monsieur.

  Massenay Thank you.

  He starts changing, behind the sofa, helped by Auguste. Enter Marthe.

  Marthe Your tea, Monsieur.

  Massenay Put it over there.

  Marthe Yes, Monsieur.

  She puts it down and exit. The phone rings.

  Sophie Auguste …

  Auguste Yes, Madame. (Answering the phone) Hello. Yes. Ah, yes. Mm.

  Massenay Who is it?

  Auguste The morgue, Monsieur.

  Massenay The morgue?

  Auguste Oh yes, Monsieur. (On the phone) Beg pardon? Fished him out?

  Massenay Fished who out?

  Auguste Monsieur, Monsieur.

  Massenay Me?

  Auguste In an advanced stage of decomposition.

/>   Sophie Darling, no!

  Massenay They’re out of their minds.

  Auguste What shall I tell them?

  Massenay Tell them they’re mad. No, just a minute. (Taking the phone.) Good morning. My manservant tells me you … Ah. No, it can’t be. This is me, here. In person. What? How d’you mean, can you get rid of it? I don’t know. So far as I’m concerned. Do what you like with it. Pardon? No, no, a pleasure. Thank you. (Hanging up.) They’re so polite. ‘At your service, any time, day or night.’ They’re so polite.

  Sophie What an adventure.

  Massenay Ab-solutely. (Stretching luxuriously) It’s so nice to be home again. Catch your breath, relax …

  Noise of someone clumping in the hall, nearer and nearer.

  Massenay and Sophie. Now what?

  Marthe (off) You can’t! Stop that! Don’t put your hands on me.

  Hubertin (off) Don’t be shilly.

  Massenay It’s a nightmare.

  Marthe (off) What are you doing?

  Sophie (rushing to Massenay) Émile, what is it?

  Massenay No idea.

  Marthe bursts in.

  Marthe Monsieur! Help! A drunk, Monsieur.

  Sophie What d’you mean, a drunk?

  Marthe He … Oh Madame, he …

  Sophie What?

  Marthe He grabbed my …

  Sophie Did he?

  Marthe That I can’t deny, Madame.

  Massenay (to himself, pacing) Not Hubertin. Not him again.

  Sophie Émile. Go and see. Throw him out.

  Massenay Ab-solutely.

  He braces himself to stride to the rescue.

  Sophie Not by yourself. Auguste! Au-guste!

  Enter Auguste, fast.

  Auguste Yes, Madame?

  Sophie Quick. There’s a drunk.

  Auguste A drunk?

  Sophie Help Monsieur.

  Massenay This way.

  He strides out. Auguste follows.

  Auguste Whatever next?

  He’s gone.

  Sophie What a day. What a dreadful day.

  Marthe Yes, Madame. That I can’t de –

  Hubertin bursts in, by an inner door.

  Marthe Aah!

  She rushes out, R.

  Sophie Aah!

  She rushes out L. Hubertin stands there. He is wearing his mackintosh and a top hat, but apparently nothing else.

  Hubertin Don’t be frightened, lil turtle doves. It’s me. It’s Hubertin. Women are such babies.

  He finds the teacup.

  How thoughtful. With a head like this, just what I need.

  He picks up a spoonful of sugar, then pours it back.

  No, no. You take tea neat.

  He drains the cup, smacks his lips.

  My, that was neat. (Pause) Cold, mind …

  Auguste and Massenay burst in.

  Auguste In here, Monsieur.

  Massenay (very high horse) In here, are you? Fine. Get out.

  Hubertin Now, now, now, now, now. No need to shout.

  Massenay I’ll set my man on you.

  Auguste makes a deprecating gesture, moves out of range.

  Hubertin Émile.

  Massenay How dare you? ‘Émile’ – how dare you? We haven’t been introduced.

  Hubertin (twisting with embarrassment) I’m sorry.

  He collapses on the sofa.

  Massenay For heaven’s sake!

  Hubertin I say …

  Massenay Don’t bother.

  Hubertin (putting up his hand like a schoolchild) Please, sir.

  Massenay You can’t.

  Hubertin One question, then I’ll go.

  Massenay Oh. Get on with it.

  Hubertin (getting up and lurching towards him) Why did you take my clothes?

  Auguste What did you say?

  Massenay (quickly) How dare you? Me?

  Hubertin collapses on Massenay, who holds him up like a man propping up a collapsing building.

  Hubertin When I looked for them, they’d gone.

  Auguste Those clothes were yours?

  Massenay (struggling to keep Hubertin upright) Don’t be ridiculous. Mind your own business. Of course they weren’t his. They came from Calais.

  Hubertin Don’t be nasty. Gaby said I had to come. ‘Get out,’ thass what she said, ‘and don’t come back till you’ve found them,’ thass what she said.

  Massenay Fine. I’ll give you clothes. No problem. If you just go away.

  Hubertin signs that he will.

  Massenay Cross your heart?

  Hubertin (with enormous, drunken force) An … hope … to … die! Spit … in … your … eye!

  He takes one of Massenay’s hands, spits in his own, and shakes it.

  Massenay Thanks very much.

  He pushes him off. Hubertin falls back on the sofa.

  Hubertin Time for bed again.

  Massenay Who told you this address?

  Hubertin Shh! The con-ci-erge.

  Massenay I’ll have a word with him later.

  Enter Sophie.

  Sophie Has he gone?

  Massenay My wife, now.

  Hubertin (getting up and attempting a bow) Madame, I –

  Sophie Him!

  Massenay (pushing Hubertin back down) That’s enough.

  Hubertin Ow.

  Sophie You’re all alone with him? He hasn’t hurt you?

  Massenay He’s perfectly tame. It’s all right. Go.

  Sophie And leave you alone with him? I won’t.

  Hubertin (surging to his feet again, very man-of-the-world) Forgettin my manners, entirely. Still wearing hatancoat.

  Massenay Don’t start.

  Hubertin Not in a sittin room.

  He takes off the hat and starts unbuttoning the raincoat.

  Massenay It’s quite all right.

  Hubertin No, no, no, no, no. Manners.

  He takes off the coat and is revealed in long-johns.

  Sophie My God.

  Massenay For heaven’s sake.

  Sophie He’s undressed.

  Massenay And well away.

  Hubertin (throwing the hat and coat at Auguste) Be kind enough to deal with these, my man.

  Auguste (as they fall all over him) Yerk.

  Massenay (at the top of his voice) What are you playing at? My wife’s here.

  Hubertin (matching him for volume) Where is she, then?

  Massenay She’s there.

  Hubertin That’s not your wife. I met your wife last night.

  Sophie Pardon?

  Hubertin What are you, a serial husband?

  Massenay (aside) Trouble brewing.

  Sophie What’s he talking about? What’s he mean, ‘I met your wife last night’?

  Massenay Don’t listen to him. He’s drunk. He doesn’t know what he’s saying. Fantasy, feverish fantasy … (To Hubertin.) Pig, sot, oaf, will you shut your mouth and get out of here?

  Hubertin You sound just like my wife.

  Massenay If you’re always like this, I’m not surprised.

  Hubertin (hugely contrite) You’re absolutely right. I’m unworthy. A walking disaster. Not fit to lick your boots.

  Massenay I should think you aren’t.

  Hubertin (tearfully) I drink. I come home late. I murder.

  Massenay, Sophie, Auguste Arg!

  Hubertin I should never have killed him.

  Sophie No.

  Auguste You?

  Massenay Who?

  Hubertin A bigshot. An MP. A Coustillou.

  Sophie He murdered Coustillou.

  Massenay No, he didn’t.

  Hubertin I did. And you. I murdered you.

  Massenay You didn’t.

  Hubertin (breaking down completely) I did. You’re just being polite, you don’t want to embarrass me, but I know you’re dead. I’m sorry!

  He flings himself, sobbing, on Massenay, who staggers.

  Massenay Thanks. No. It’s quite all … (Aside, as he manoeuvres him to a chair) Now we’ll never
get rid of him.

  Hubertin I was lying in bed. He smacked my bottom. I reached out my arm, like this …

  He stretches out his hand, and finds Massenay’s gun on the table.

  Hubertin I fired. Bang … bang … bang … bang…

  With each ‘bang’, he fires a real shot. Total panic. Everyone ducks behind furniture for cover.

  Sophie He’s shooting!

  Massenay Take cover!

  Auguste Help!

  Marthe rushes in.

  Marthe What’s happening?

  Hubertin Bang!

  He shoots again. Marthe and Sophie panic, rush for safety to the same place, collide, then rush out in opposite directions, waving their arms and panicking.

  Hubertin I’m finished. Done for. I don’t deserve to live.

  He slumps and sobs. His arm droops over the arm of the chair.

  The gun falls to the ground, unnoticed. Pause. Then Massenay gingerly cocks an eye from his hiding place, round the corner of the sofa.

  Massenay Has he finished?

  Auguste (popping his head round the piece of furniture he’s hiding behind) Who is he, Monsieur?

  They approach each other, on their knees, for a whispered conference.

  Massenay I’ve no idea. It’s bad he’s here, that’s all I know. Very, very bad.

  Auguste He mustn’t stay here. Too dangerous. He’ll have to be dealt with.

  Massenay Do you know how?

  Auguste The gun. He’s dropped the gun.

  Massenay Pass it over.

  Auguste hurries over on his knees and passes it, unseen by the sobbing heap that is Hubertin.

  Auguste There, Monsieur.

  He gets up and starts shaking Hubertin.

  Auguste Come on, you. Stop sobbing on our sofa.

  Hubertin (lifting his tearful face) Leave me. I’ll sob myself to death.

  He drops his head as before.

  Massenay No one’s stopping you. But you’re not doing it here. Out, now, or take the consequences.

  Hubertin That’s right. Show no mercy. I deserve it.

  Massenay (waving the revolver about) This gun is loaded, and I’m not afraid to use it.

  Hubertin Use it. I beg you. End me. It won’t hurt: when I’ve had a lil drink, I don’t feel pain.

  Massenay (to Auguste) Now what? I can’t just shoot him.

  Hubertin Pull the trigger.

  Massenay Oh, don’t worry. I intend to.

  Hubertin What are you waiting for?

  Massenay (raging) None of your business. I’m in charge. I’ll shoot when I’m good and ready. It’s not for you to tell me when to shoot.