Plays 2

by Georges Feydeau

  Hubertin I haven’t the patience. You, footman, a brandy and soda. I’m thirsty here.

  Massenay That does it. Now you’ve gone too far. Auguste, take this … specimen and throw him down the stairs.

  Auguste Me, Monsieur?

  Massenay Yes. You.

  Auguste (aside to him) I can’t. He’s big.

  Massenay (aside) I’ll help you. When I say ‘piccolo’ grab his shoulders. I’ll get his legs.

  Auguste (aside) ‘Piccolo’?

  Massenay (aside) Yes. (Huge.) ‘Piccolo!’

  They grab Hubertin.

  Hubertin What are you doing?

  Massenay Mind your own business. (To Auguste.) You see? It’s easy.

  Auguste Easy for you, Monsieur. You’ve got the easy end. (Staggering.) I don’t think I can hold him.

  Massenay Don’t be such a baby.

  Auguste I can’t. It’s no good.

  He drops his end.

  Massenay We were so close …

  Hubertin (on the floor) Upsy-daisy, all fall down.

  Massenay Will you be quiet?

  Sophie nervously puts her head in.

  Sophie All right?

  Massenay We’re seeing to it. Don’t worry.

  Sophie He’s here, still here? Oh no.

  Massenay We’re seeing to it.

  Sophie He hasn’t hurt anyone?

  Massenay Of course he hasn’t. (To Auguste.) There’s nothing for it: fetch removing men.

  Hubertin And a brandy and soda while you’re at it.

  Auguste (to Massenay) Monsieur … ?

  Massenay Yes, yes, anything.

  Auguste Yes, Monsieur.

  He ducks round the table, and appears before Hubertin, very formal.

  Auguste Ahem. Monsieur’s brandy and soda.

  Hubertin (getting to his feet, eyes fixed ahead, like a dog on the scent) A-ha!

  Massenay Genius, Auguste.

  Hubertin Where is it, then?

  Auguste (opening the door to the kitchen) This way, Monsieur. No, no, after you, Monsieur.

  Hubertin One brandy and soda, any minute now.

  Exit.

  Auguste Hey presto.

  Massenay, Sophie Auguste, you’re wonderful.

  Auguste It’s just a knack.

  Massenay Get his hat and his coat on, and throw him down the backstairs.

  Auguste Of course, Monsieur.

  He takes Hubertin’s hat and coat, and exit.

  Massenay Boy oh boy oh boy oh boy oh boy.

  Sophie What a morning.

  Massenay Whatever next?

  Doorbell, off.

  Sophie (starting) A visitor.

  Massenay More disaster.

  Sophie Don’t say that.

  Marthe (putting her head nervously round the door) Is that … has he … ?

  Massenay What is it?

  Marthe Nothing. Just …

  Massenay Just what?

  Marthe Monsieur Coustillou’s here.

  Massenay gazes aside at the audience: stunned bewilderment.

  Sophie Show him in.

  Massenay (snapping out of it) What? No! You can’t.

  Sophie Why not?

  Massenay I … we … he … Sorry. (To Marthe.) Show him in.

  Marthe (off) This way, Monsieur.

  Massenay (aside) He knows!

  Coustillou enters, strides over to him with furrowed brow and agitated manner.

  Coustillou I’ve got to talk to you.

  Massenay Have you?

  Sophie What on earth’s the matter?

  Coustillou Nothing. I … Madame.

  He recovers his poise, shakes her hand.

  Madame, good morning. I’m sorry, I was rather …

  Sophie And so are we! Imagine, a drunk, here in the –

  Coustillou Oh, I do agree, Madame. (To Massenay, urgently) You’ve got to help me. I’m fighting a duel.

  Massenay You are?

  Sophie You, Monsieur?

  Coustillou I can’t tell you why. Later … if the press get to hear of it … It doesn’t matter why. A fellow called Hubertin.

  Massenay (without thinking) Not him again.

  Coustillou You know him?

  Massenay (firmly) Never heard of him.

  Sophie I don’t think we’ve ever met a Hubertin.

  Coustillou You’re lucky, let me tell you. He’s a … he’s an absolute …

  Sophie Like our drunk. The drunk we had in here just now.

  Coustillou (not taking this in at all) I’ll show him. Oh, I’ll show him.

  He paces, nervously and furiously.

  Massenay Calm down.

  Enter Auguste.

  Auguste All right so far, Monsieur. He’s in the kitchen. He’s got his clothes on.

  Massenay Oh, God. Shh! Shh!

  Auguste (who hasn’t noticed) He told me his name. It’s Hubertin.

  Massenay (trying to drown this out) Allons, enfants de la pat –

  But Coustillou has grabbed Auguste by the lapels and is shaking him like a plum tree.

  Coustillou What did you say?

  Auguste Monsieur, Monsieur.

  Coustillou Did you say Hubertin?

  Massenay Don’t be ridiculous. You’re besotted. You’re dreaming. Vertin. He said Vertin.

  Coustillou Vertin?

  Massenay Exactly. Monsieur Hugh Vertin. (To Auguste.) Didn’t you? Didn’t you?

  Auguste Yes, Monsieur.

  Coustillou Who is this Vertin?

  Massenay Nobody. Nobody at all. A drunk, a tramp. We give him clothes. In the kitchen. Doesn’t everyone have tramps?

  Coustillou I don’t.

  Massenay Well, we do.

  Coustillou It’s very odd.

  Massenay Not in the least. Auguste, send the poor, dear fellow on his way. (Aside to him) And tell me when.

  Auguste (to him) The thing is, Monsieur, he wants to play poker.

  Massenay Fine. Play.

  Auguste I don’t know how to.

  Massenay You can play snap, can’t you? Let him play poker, you play snap. He’s so drunk he won’t know the difference. Get on with it.

  Auguste If you say so, Monsieur.

  Doorbell, off. He goes.

  Massenay Someone else, now.

  Coustillou Look, before they … I mean, I …

  Massenay In a minute. Can’t you see I’m busy?

  Sophie What’s happening now?

  Massenay Nothing. An appointment. Take Coustillou in there. I’ll deal with them. (To Coustillou.) Five minutes. I’ll deal with them.

  Coustillou I suppose so.

  Sophie This way, Monsieur.

  Coustillou (to Massenay, as he passes) Just get on with it, that’s all.

  Massenay Of course. (Aside to Sophie.) Don’t mention the drunk.

  Sophie Don’t worry. (To Coustillou.) This way, Monsieur.

  Exeunt.

  Massenay (almost beside himself) What else can go wrong?

  Enter Chanal.

  Chanal I’m not disturbing you?

  Massenay What? No … no …

  Chanal turns back to the door.

  Chanal This way, Francine.

  Enter Francine. She is formal and distant with Massenay.

  Massenay Madame.

  Chanal Oh, call her Francine. If I wasn’t here, you’d call her Francine. Don’t not call her Francine on my account.

  Massenay (highly embarrassed) Look, Alcide, I know what you’re saying. I know you’re angry. I mean, I want to –

  Chanal Me, angry? Whatever for? Because you and my wife … ? Why should I be angry? I mean, because you like her? Why shouldn’t you? I like her.

  Massenay I … we … hum …

  Chanal No, no, no, no, no. We must be pliable. Pliable. Especially when there’s no alternative. (To Francine.) Do sit down, my darling. There’s absolutely no need to stand.

  Massenay Alcide, I … you … I don’t know what to say.

  Chanal Don’t say a word. I won’t d
eny, when I first heard about this, I saw red. If you’d been there, the pair of you, I’d have wrung your necks. But you weren’t there. I could hardly wring necks that were somewhere else. So I started thinking. ‘My dear old boy,’ I said to myself, ‘it’s happened. You’ve become a –’

  Francine Alcide!

  Massenay Don’t say it!

  Chanal No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. These things must be faced. ‘My dear old boy, it’s happened. Nothing you can do about it. Put a good face on it.’

  Massenay Oh!

  Chanal ‘After all, they didn’t do it to annoy you.’

  Massenay, Francine (quickly) Of course not.

  Chanal And if you didn’t do it to annoy me, it must be because you’re in love. And who am I to say no, when heaven says yes?

  Massenay Oh Alcide!

  Chanal So. I’ll tell you what I’ve decided. (Sharply to him.) Sit down there. (Back to his first tone.) I’m going to court.

  Massenay What?

  Chanal I mean, I have to think of my own position.

  Massenay Oh. Yes.

  Chanal It won’t be a big case. A little one. Domestic. Nothing cosmic.

  Massenay Happens all the time.

  Chanal We’ll leave you out of it. I’ll have to name Francine, naturally, but we’ll leave you out of it. Asterisk asterisk asterisk, that’s what you’ll be.

  Massenay How kind you are.

  Chanal Come on! Just because I have a tiny domestic disaster, doesn’t mean I have to be vindictive. This isn’t about my happiness. It’s about you! Your happiness. Your dear wife’s happiness.

  Massenay How kind you are.

  Chanal If two people want to be happy, who am I to shatter their dream for ever?

  Massenay You’re a saint, a saint. (To Francine.) Isn’t he a saint?

  Francine A saint.

  Chanal No, really, I’m not. Marriage, to me, is like standing on the bridge of a great ocean liner. Putting into harbour. You’ve piloted across the swelling ocean, and now you’re putting into harbour. The pilot comes aboard, and you stand there, smiling benignly. You show him the wheel, and say, ‘There you are, old boy. She’s all yours. Take her.’

  Massenay What d’you mean, ‘She’s all yours, take her’?

  Chanal My wife, for heaven’s sake. She’s all yours. Take her.

  Massenay What?

  Chanal After all, you are going to marry her.

  Massenay Me? Your wife? You’re crazy.

  Chanal (innocently) I’m sorry – ?

  Massenay I can’t marry your wife. I’m married already.

  Chanal (feigning utter surprise) You’re not! You? Married?

  Massenay Of course I’m married.

  Chanal How very awkward.

  Massenay Cha!

  He paces. Chanal goes imperturbably to Francine, taps her shoulder.

  Chanal How very awkward.

  Massenay (coming down to him) I mean, if I wasn’t, she’d be the first I’d … I mean, I’d …

  Chanal This is very awkward. Married, eh?

  Massenay (trying to shrug it off with ruefulness) What can one do?

  Chanal I know what you mean. (New tone.) Still, none of my business.

  Massenay What?

  Chanal I mean, you were married already, when you … when you and my wife … You should have thought of this then.

  Massenay (nettled) What d’you mean, this then? What d’you want me to do? I’m not a bigamist.

  Chanal So where does that leave us? I know: divorce.

  Massenay I don’t believe this.

  Chanal It’s only polite. If a chap breaks up another chap’s marriage, he marries the wife. It’s simply what one does.

  Massenay I’m married already! What am I to tell my wife?

  Chanal Truth’s always best.

  Massenay (beside himself) I will not tell my wife the truth.

  Chanal Awkward, is it, for you? Would you like me to … ?

  Massenay (furious) No I would not … (Controlling himself) No, thank you.

  Chanal It’s up to you. The choice is yours. Behave like a gentleman, look the world in the eye and say, ‘I honoured the Code’, or be taken to court and show everyone you’re a crocodile.

  Massenay This is blackmail.

  Chanal I say, so it is. Well? Have you decided?

  Enter Marthe.

  Marthe Monsieur …

  Massenay What is it now?

  Marthe The porters are here with the bags.

  Massenay What bags?

  Chanal It’s all right. I know. (To Marthe.) Tell them to bring them in.

  Exit Marthe.

  Chanal My wife’s bags.

  Massenay WHAT?

  Chanal They’re bringing her bags. So tell me. Which way is her bedroom?

  Massenay She hasn’t got a bedroom!

  Marthe throws open the double doors, and a stream of Porters starts fetching in bags of varying sizes.

  Massenay Get these out of here! Out! Out! Out!

  Chanal It’s all right. Leave them.

  Massenay What d’you mean, leave them? (To the Porters.) Take them out!

  Chanal Leave them.

  He gives the Porters money, shoos them out and closes the doors.

  Massenay (completely walled in by bags) What are you playing at?

  Chanal What are you playing at?

  Massenay Don’t take that tone with me!

  Enter Sophie.

  Sophie What’s all the noise about?

  Massenay (aside) My God, my wife.

  Sophie (taking in the scene) What’s happening?

  Massenay Monsieur Chanal, my wife. (Introducing Francine and Sophie.) My wife … Madame Chanal. (Smiling like a maniac.) Well, isn’t this nice?

  Sophie Whose are all these bags?

  Massenay What bags?

  Sophie Those bags.

  Massenay Oh, these? They’re … bags.

  Chanal (calmly) They’re my wife’s bags.

  Massenay (aside) Help me!

  Sophie (to Massenay) His wife’s bags?

  Massenay Good heavens, so they are.

  Chanal (aside to him, charmingly) Shall I tell her now?

  Massenay No! Don’t!

  Chanal Up to you, then.

  Sophie What’s happening?

  Massenay Ha, ha. Nothing at all. Nothing much at all.

  Sophie What?

  Massenay Well. My friend Chanal. My dear old friend, Chanal. My old school friend, Chanal. (Giving him one of those schoolboy mock-punches.) Good old Chanal. He’s here in Paris for a day or two, with his … with his … with his bags.

  Chanal No I’m not.

  Massenay You are.

  Chanal I’m not.

  Massenay I say you are.

  Chanal You’re completely mistaken. (To Sophie.) The thing is: Madame –

  Massenay Will you shut up?

  Chanal What d’you mean?

  Massenay You know exactly what I mean.

  Chanal Don’t be ridiculous.

  Massenay Me, ridiculous?

  Sophie Just a minute …

  A huge row develops, all three talking at the tops of their voice. Francine sits aside from it all, as she’s done ever since she came in. At the height of the argument, enter Coustillou.

  Coustillou I say. I am still here.

  Massenay (rounding on him) You, now! Get out of here! Get out!

  He pushes him down on the sofa next to Francine, indeed almost on top of her. Extreme embarrassment of Coustillou.

  Coustillou You. Madame, I … you … hoo … harg …

  Massenay grabs him to his feet and bundles him out by the servants’ door.

  Massenay I told you to get out of here!

  Huge row and clatter from the next room. Shouting, breaking crockery, clanging pots and pans.

  My God, I put him in the kitchen. With Hubertin!

  The row escalates, until Coustillou is projected into the room, his clothes torn, his hat in ribbons. Hubertin
follows him, fully dressed, pummelling and pushing him like a whirlwind.

  All Ah!

  Coustillou Stop it! Help! Help!

  Hubertin Rat! Camel! Politician!

  He yanks Coustillou’s hat down over his eyes, gives him a last kick in the pants, and stalks to the door.

  Hubertin You’ve not heard the end of this!

  Exit

  Sophie (going to Coustillou) Monsieur Coustillou!

  Coustillou (panting, exhausted) Harg, harg, what was that?

  Sophie It’s all right.

  Coustillou It was worse than Parliament.

  Auguste (at the door, announcing) Inspector Planteloup.

  Sophie So soon?

  Massenay What does he want?

  Planteloup bursts in in a fury.

  Planteloup Monsieur Massenay, you played fast and loose with me.

  All Eh?

  Planteloup Your trip to Calais was a blind. You were arrested last night in the rue du Colisée, in bed with the wife of someone called Chanal.

  Coustillou You mean it was him … ?

  Sophie What did you say?

  Chanal It had to happen.

  Sophie (confronting Massenay) Arrested? Last night? In bed with … ? Ha!

  She slaps him so that he falls on the sofa.

  Massenay That hurt.

  Sophie Don’t talk to me. All’s over between us.

  Massenay Sophie!

  Sophie Don’t ever speak to me again. Inspector, this way.

  Planteloup Certainly, Madame.

  Exeunt

  Massenay (getting up and going to Coustillou) It’s not what it seems.

  Coustillou The lover … was you!

  Massenay What of it?

  Coustillou This, Monsieur.

  He slaps him.

  Massenay What’s it got to do with … you?

  He slaps him back.

  Coustillou That does it. I challenge you.

  Massenay No, I challenge you.

  Too late. Coustillou has stalked out.

  Chanal So there we are, old man. She’s all yours.

  Act Four

  The same setting as for Act One. It is a year later, and all the furniture has been moved round slightly, is subtly different. When the curtain rises, Chanal is sitting formally in a chair, turning over the pages of a magazine like someone in a waiting-room. He looks at his watch after a while, gets up, rings, then goes back to his reading. He is irritated about something, stares fixedly at a small side-table.

  Chanal What are you there for? That’s not where you belong.

  He moves the table somewhere else, sighing with indignation.

  Dear oh dear oh dear.

  Enter Étienne.

  Étienne Did you ring, Monsieur?