The Day You Went Away

by Jennifer Hebbard

  We arrived at Dr Andrande’s office early. We had made love for hours that morning, giving and taking and cresting together again and again. I felt happy, positive and it showed in my face. I held Eden’s hand as we walked into the office and signed in. We took a seat, giggling like school children. We were so excited. Soon the inner office door opened and Dr Andrande himself came out. “Ah Kane, Eden it’s so good to see you again. Everything is ready when you are.” Eden stood, pulling me up after her. She looked at me and I nodded with a smile. “We’re ready.” Dr Andrande stepped aside allowing us to enter. “Good! Let’s get started.”

  CHAPTER THIRTY-FIVE

  BLAKE

  Jacob kept staring at me. I wished he would stop but for some reason didn’t say anything to him. I was laying in the sun again, I felt warm and protected that way and only noticed Jacob’s arrival by his shadow falling over my face. “Are you ok with these developments Blake?” I knew what he was talking about but looked at him questioningly anyway. “The baby” was all Jacob said. Was I ok with my parents having a new baby? I think I was. I mean it was definitely a huge step in them moving on with their lives but a part me was also sad that I would miss it. That I wouldn’t be a part of the baby’s life. I always wanted to be a big brother. Jacob laughed having read my thoughts. “Is that what you think? That you won’t be a part of their lives anymore? Or are you worried they are forgetting you?” Was I? It wasn’t a conscious thought, but maybe, somewhere it lingered. “Blake” Jacob said gently sitting down beside me on the grass. “You are not being replaced, that is simply not possible. Not on any level and certainly not in the minds and hearts of your parents. They love you beyond measure, and they have grieved for you, and will always grieve for you. You can never be forgotten.” I looked at him and saw the truth in his words. “But someday, I’ll forget, won’t I?” Jacob contemplated my question and I appreciated that he didn’t just answer immediately with some cliché’ or other. “It’s not so much a forgetting Blake as an awakening. It’s true you won’t recall coming here to this place or the events that occurred to you before you arrived. This is not a bad thing Blake. The former things have passed away, but you will never forget the love that you were given, are still given by your mothers’. That lives now and always in your heart. So, don’t think of it as forgetting or being forgotten. More awakening and moving on. Your soul’s work is far from over Blake.” I liked listening to the timbre of Jacob’s voice. It soothed and calmed me. I liked his words as well. They redirected my thinking and instantly I felt better, stronger. “And my moms’? They’ll be ok?” I had to know. I had to know that they would eventually be normal and happy again, without me. Jacob looked up at the clear blue sky and closed his eyes. “They will be as ok as they allow themselves to be.” What in the world did that mean I wondered but didn’t ask. Jacob often spoke in riddles like this and I found it was usually better just to take him at his word and try to figure out the meaning later when things became clearer. They always did too, became clearer I mean. Sometimes you can’t see the trees for the forest, so you needed to sit back watch and wait. I nodded silently and closed my own eyes and let the sun warm me from the inside out.

  When I opened my eyes next, Jacob was gone. This wasn’t particularly unusual. He had a habit of appearing and disappearing at will. I sat up pulling my knees to my chest and thought about the conversation we had had. I didn’t know what it all meant yet but I was confident that in time, I would. I wondered what Alicia was up to. I hadn’t seen her all day. More and more recently she had not been spending all of her time with me. I still saw her every day, but it wasn’t always the entire day. I felt that she was doing something very important but I never questioned her about it. If she wanted or needed to, she knew that I would always be here to talk with her or just listen. So far, she hadn’t mentioned anything but I noticed she often looked tired and contemplative like she was working out some sort of problem or issue in her head. During those times I just stayed near her and let her know that she was safe and that I was here. It seemed to help her, my nearness and there was nowhere else I wanted to be. One day in particular Alicia came to me and looked troubled. I waited patiently for her to get her thoughts together. “Blake? Do you love me?” I was taken aback at the question but answered right away. “Well of course I do. I love you very much.” Alicia nodded and continued. “What if I wasn’t here anymore? Would you still love me if you couldn’t see me?” I sat down and pulled the little girl onto my lap. “I will always love you Alicia. Whether I can see you or not. There is nothing that could make me not love you or forget you. Nothing. You are a part of me and that will never change.” She smiled and cuddled up to me in that way that she did. I thought about my own words and smiled. It seemed I knew exactly how my parents felt about me. It was exactly the same way I felt about the little girl curled up in my lap right now.

  CHAPTER THIRTY-SIX

  EDEN

  The procedure was painless and only took about twenty minutes in total. Kane looked pale as she gripped my hand and asked continuously if I was ok. She was so nervous and truth be told, so was I. I knew we would have to wait about a week to take a pregnancy test and see if the procedure worked and it was going to be a long week indeed. In fact, it had been a long six weeks getting to this point. I didn’t tolerate the fertility medication well. It seemed I had a constant headache and what felt like period cramps a lot of the time, especially right after an injection. Dr Andrande said that was all normal but Kane was a mess. I guess that was pretty normal too. She was the one with Blake when he died. The one responsible for him and no matter how much I talked to her about it not being her fault, and how far she had come in therapy to reach that conclusion herself, she wasn’t quite there yet. She had said in our last session with Sasha that she felt she couldn’t be responsible for keeping the people she loved safe anymore. That trait I knew was something Kane had always prided herself on and it broke my heart to hear her question herself like that. I knew it would take time and that the process and thought of bringing another child into the world was hard on her emotionally. It was hard on both of us even though we both wanted it so badly. I questioned myself as well. What if I wasn’t meant to be a mother? What if I couldn’t keep this baby from harm? After all I couldn’t keep Blake from dying even though I knew there was nothing I could have done, the thought that I had let my family down still persisted inside of me. What of this potential baby? I was ten years older now than when I had Blake. Could I still do it? Could I be a good mother, keep this baby safe? The questions swirled in my brain over and over again and more frequently the closer we got to implantation. I talked a little with Kane about these fears, mostly in our sessions with Sasha but I kept a lot to myself as well. I didn’t want to scare her any more than I knew she already was and so I was the strong one this time around. I had to be, for Kane and for my family.

  After the embryo transfer Kane helped me off the table and got my clothes. As she helped me get dressed, she asked “Are you sure you’re ok?” I smiled and told her that other than a bit of cramping I was just fine and that was the truth. The cramping was to be expected and absolutely nothing to be concerned about. Dr Andrande had given Kane a list of side effects, what was normal and what was not and when to call the Dr. We had been through all of this before, but that was before we had lost a child. This was different, we were different. How could we not be? We had gone through one of the most traumatic things any parent, any human could go through and we certainly hadn’t come away unscathed. Kane was helping me button my blouse and noticed her hands were shaking. I stopped her and took both of her hands in mine. “It’s going to be ok. I love you, and it’s going to be ok.” Kane took a deep breath and held onto my hands. She nodded and I kissed her gently. I finished getting dressed and we headed out to our car, hands still clasped.

  The week was going by so slowly. Kane and I both tried to keep our minds and hands occupied but after the third day of Kane being home and doting on my e
very move, I sent her back to work. “I don’t want to leave you” she said pouting. I laughed “I know but honey, you’re driving me insane” We have two more days until I can take the test. I feel fine and there is nothing you can do here anyway. Besides I want to get a little work done and you would be just pacing the floors anyway. Kane agreed and the next day she went back to work and I spent some time in my studio. The painting of Blake was still unfinished. I didn’t know what it was, but something was missing. I stood in front of the canvas and stared at my beautiful boy. He had been so handsome with his tousled sun kissed brown hair and hazel eyes. He had favored me in looks but in personality, he was all Kane. I remembered the time they had camped out in the backyard. Both of them had come inside at 2am and crawled into bed with me. When I asked them, what was wrong they both answered simultaneously in tired voices “Bugs” and fell fast asleep. I laughed at the memory now. There were so many times like that, so many memories. “Oh Blake, I miss you so much” I wiped a tear that had escaped my eye and began to add a warm sun over Blake’s head in the portrait. I didn’t usually include things like that in my work but this time it just felt right. I looked at his painted face again. There was something different in the eyes from what I had remembered of him. A maturity or understanding lay in his gaze that he didn’t have in life. I didn’t think too deeply on it. No portrait was identical to the person. I continued to work for the rest of the day until Kane came home. We laid down together and watched a movie falling asleep in each other’s arms. The next day started like any other. I saw Kane off to work kissing her goodbye and promising to make her favorite dinner, Pot Roast, for when she came home. I felt restless and couldn’t seem to concentrate on work or anything really. Something kept telling me to take the test. Technically we still had another day and we had an appointment to get a pregnancy test tomorrow at Dr Andrande’s office. I couldn’t wait though, I needed to know. I threw on my coat and sneakers and sped to the local drug store where I bought three different kinds of pregnancy tests. The clerk smiled at me as she rang up my purchases and said “good luck” as I was walking out of the store. I came home and laid all three tests on the bathroom counter. I read the directions for each several times so I would be sure I knew what to do and what to look for. I took the stick out of the packaging and prepared myself. It was one of those tests that read either Pregnant or Not Pregnant, easy enough. After I was through, I placed the stick on the counter and set the time on my cell phone for fifteen minutes. I tried to do some things around the house, got the mail, laid out the ingredients for tonight’s dinner but I couldn’t concentrate on anything but that little stick laying on the bathroom counter. Finally, I closed the bathroom door and tried valiantly and unsuccessfully not to think about it. I had just sat down on the sofa and leaned my head back when the alarm on my phone went off. I just stared at it. Finally, I made my way to the closed bathroom door. Our lives could completely change in the next few moments. “It’s now or never” I said to myself, gathered my courage and turned the knob.

  CHAPTER THIRTY-SEVEN

  KANE

  It had been a really long day and I couldn’t wait to get home, take my uniform off and just relax. Traffic was a mess on my way home due to an oil tanker that had overturned on the highway. “Just great” I said in irritation and then felt immediately guilty for saying it. It was selfish to be thinking about myself when someone else was having quite possibly the worst day of their lives. I prayed that no one was seriously hurt. As I sat in the gridlock, I wondered ideally if people had said the same things when the street was blocked off after Blake’s accident. We often get so wrapped up in our own lives and our own problems that we forget there are people out there who would give anything at that moment in time to be having our kind of bad day. As I passed the accident, I breathed a sigh of relief to see what looked like the driver standing next to the overturned semi talking to the police. “Thank God” I whispered and made a promise to myself to not get so wrapped up in the little things again. To remember that things would always happen that would be frustrating or irritating but I didn’t have to lose myself to them. When I finally turned into our driveway the sun had just set beneath the horizon and the last remnants of daylight were struggling to remain. I tiredly pulled my backpack out of the back seat, locked up the car and made my way to the front door. I couldn’t wait to see Eden, to hold her and let her presence melt away the tension of the day. I opened the door and immediately noticed the lack of light. I looked into the dining room and saw that the big table had been set with the good china and several candles were lit and placed strategically around the room. “Hmm fancy” I said and smiled at the effort Eden had clearly put in to make this a romantic dinner. I set down my bag and went to the kitchen. Eden was standing there, wearing a black dress and an apron bending over the oven. “Hi” I said as I came up behind her wrapping my arms around her waist. “Hi yourself” she responded kissing me lightly on the lips. “Dinner is almost done. I kissed her again. “It smells delicious, and so do you” I responded kissing her neck. “Mmm, go, get changed now or we’ll never make it to dinner.” I smiled as she playfully pushed me away. I stole one more kiss before I left her to dinner and went upstairs to change. Taking my cue from Eden’s outfit I dressed in slacks and a silk blue blouse to match my eyes. I knew Eden liked me in this color. With one more look at my reflection I left the bedroom and returned to Eden. The pot roast was on a trivet on the dining room table along with potatoes, green beans and a salad. “Baby, this looks wonderful. Thank you so much for doing this.” Eden had taken off her apron and sat down at the table smiling. “It was my pleasure. Sit own, eat, before it gets cold.” She didn’t have to tell me twice and I sat down and dug in.

  Dinner had been delicious and I was fuller than I could ever remember being. I pushed my chair back from the table and wiped my mouth with the linen napkin. “That was so good. I may need to get a bigger size uniform if you are going to make this a habit.” Eden laughed and stood up, walked over to me and sat down on my lap. I wrapped my arms around her and nuzzled her neck. I loved how soft her skin was. She pulled back from me with a giggle. “That tickles!” she squealed and squirmed in my lap. I pulled back and saw that she held a small wrapped gift. “What’s that?” I asked. “It’s for you. A present” she said pushing the package towards me until I took it. “For what?” I asked curiously. “Because I love you! Now open it.” She jumped a little bit on my lap like an excited child. The package was soft but I held it up to my ear and shook it anyway. “UGH JUST OPEN IT ALREANDY!” Eden yelled and I laughed out loud. “Ok, ok, here I go” I tore the plain red wrapping paper off carefully and held up the gift. At first, I couldn’t really comprehend what I was looking at. It was the tiniest little infant onesie I had ever seen. It was orange and had a drawing of a giraffe on the front next to the words “I Heart Mama” I just stared at it in shock. I looked at Eden who was smiling with tears swimming in her hazel eyes. “Are you…are we?” I couldn’t even complete a sentence. Eden hugged me around the neck and kissed the side of my head over and over. She was laughing and crying at the same time. “I am, and we are.” She whispered in my ear. “But the appointment. It’s not until tomorrow.” It was a stupid thing to say and I knew it but I couldn’t think. “I know. I couldn’t wait. Are you happy Kane? Please tell me you’re happy.” Eden looked afraid all of the sudden and I felt terrible. “Happy? Am I happy?” with that I stood up holding her and spun her around in a circle whooping my joy. “Baby, I am so happy I can’t contain it. Thank you. I love you. Thank you.” Eden squealed in delight and clung to me. “I love you so much. We’re going to have a baby.” “A baby” I repeated and kissed her like it was the first time.