The Day You Went Away

by Jennifer Hebbard

  CHAPTER THIRTY-EIGHT

  EDEN

  Seeing Kane so happy had set my heart free. I literally had to tell her to put me down when she carried me into the living room. She was vibrating with her excitement about the baby. She also still retained that shocked look on her face. To be honest I was still a little shocked myself. After I had seen the positive result on the first test, I took the other ones right away to be sure, all with the same result. I wanted to call Kane at work right then and tell her to rush home but I couldn’t do that to her. She would have panicked thinking there was something wrong. I thought all afternoon about the best way to tell her and finally decided on doing a little shopping. When I saw the onesie, I knew that it was perfect. It looked like something Kane would have bought herself. It was so tiny as I held it in my hands, I tried to imagine the little life that would fill it one day. Suddenly it felt like my entire world was righting itself again and that scared the hell out of me. If everything was right, that meant that it could all go wrong again. Things had been so right between Blake, Kane and I. I was happy and content and then it was all taken away. What if that happened again? I wouldn’t survive it. I shook my head in frustration. This is what I wanted, what we wanted! Why was I trying to ruin it with what ifs? We were going to have a baby. A tiny perfect baby and I was only concentrating on what could go wrong and not all of the wonderful things that could go right. I couldn’t wait to tell Kane. I paid for the tiny outfit and went back home to make the most memorable romantic dinner I could think of.

  The next day neither Kane nor I could contain our excitement as we made our way to Dr Andrande’s office to get the official blood test. Kane looked lighter than I had seen her in a year and it did my heart good to see her happiness. As for myself I felt like I was glowing and I probably was. As we pulled into the parking lot, we shut off the car and sat there for a moment. Kane looked at me seriously. “Let’s try to contain ourselves ok? I mean it’s not really official until we get the results of the blood test, right?” I nodded. “Technically, that’s true, but Kane, I know that I’m pregnant. I can feel it. I just know.” Kane smiled at me. I knew she knew too. We got out of the car and hand in hand made our way once again into the Dr’s office.

  I was glad I was able to keep my clothes on for this appointment, they only needed my arm. I sat on the paper covered exam table again while Kane took her usual position on the stool next to me. When Dr Andrande arrived, he entered with a nurse and greeted us. “Kane, Eden it’s so good to see you both. Today is the big day isn’t it?” Kane and I just smiled wide and nodded. The nurse approached me with the blood kit and made short work of filling up three vials. Dr Andrande smiled at us again. If you just give us about fifteen minutes I’ll come back in and we’ll see where we’re at ok?” “Sounds good Dr” Kane said standing up and placing her hand on my lower back, rubbing in circles. Dr and nurse both exited the exam room closing the door behind them. I looked at Kane who looked as if she wanted to say something. “Are you ok? Nervous?” Kane shook her head but answered “yes, no, maybe. Hell, Eden I don’t know!” We both laughed and the tension of the moment ebbed. “There’s absolutely nothing to be nervous about.” I told her pulling her shirt to get her to stand closer to me. “Everything is going to be just fine. Do you trust me?” Kane took my face gently with both of her hands. “With my life.” Our kiss was interrupted by Dr Andrande knocking on the door. I cleared my throat. “Come in” I said and watched as he entered and sat down with a clip board in his hands. He looked at both of us and couldn’t hide the gleam in his eyes. “Let me be the first to say, Congratulations. You’re going to be parents.” Kane did kiss me then and the Dr and the exam room and the whole rest of the world faded away. I felt her love pour into me and tried to convey my own to her. We were going to be parents again and everything was right with the world.

  CHAPTER THIRTY-NINE

  KANE AND EDEN

  Kane and Eden had gone out to a fancy restaurant to celebrate after leaving Dr Andrande’s office. After being seated and giving the waiter their orders Kane looked at Eden. “You’re amazing you know. I can’t believe you have a little life growing inside of you right now.” Eden smiled at her wife. “It’s a miracle, our miracle.” Eden replied reaching across and taking Kane’s hand in her own. This dinner was so different than the one when Eden told Kane she wanted to have another baby. That night both women were scared and overwhelmed and didn’t know how to properly deal with their emotions. Tonight, was a night for relaxation and celebration. Not that fear wasn’t a part of the many emotions both women were feeling. It was there, just as it always was but that could be dealt with later. They enjoyed their meals and each other’s company and finally it was time to return home. Both women were exhausted and looked forward to resting in the other’s arms. They arrived home and changed into their pajamas and climbed into bed. Kane rested her head on Eden’s shoulder and rubbed small gentle circles on her tummy. “Eden?” She asked not looking up or stopping her motion. Eden looked down at Kane. “What is it baby?” Kane shrugged and Eden remained silent knowing that sometimes Kane needed a moment to gather her thoughts. “Are we ready for this? I mean really ready? Wait, I know you are, what I really mean is, am I?” Kane sounded so unsure of herself that Eden’s heart bled for the insecurity she heard in her wife’s voice. “What do you mean baby?” Eden didn’t want to assume anything and she wanted Kane to keep talking to her about how she was feeling. “I mean, I know you say and everyone says that Blake’s death wasn’t my fault, and thanks to Sasha and you I am coming closer to seeing that for myself, but…I was still responsible for him Eden. I was responsible for protecting our son and keeping him safe and I failed. How can I ever be responsible for another little life again? What if I fail this child too?” Eden felt Kane’s tears through her shirt and just held her tighter. “Kane, we were both responsible for keeping Blake safe and free from harm. Both of us. We were his parents. I failed him too. Life doesn’t give us any guarantees my love, none at all. All we can do is to love this child the same as we loved Blake and have Faith that we can have the happily ever after that we both want and deserve.” Kane held to Eden tightly. “Do you really think so?” Eden nodded and kissed the top of Kane’s head. “I really do baby. I trust you with my life, and the life of this child. There is no one in the world I trust more. There is no one in the world I want to raise a family with. It’s you Kane, it’s always been you.” Both women held onto each other and began to doze off. Kane was nearly asleep when she heard Eden whisper, “Do you think Blake knows? Do you think that where ever he is, he knows he’s going to be a big brother?” Kane looked up at her wife and nodded. “I think so yes. I think he would be so excited and happy about the baby.” “Yeah” Eden replied wistfully. “He would have made a wonderful big brother.” Both women drifted off to sleep thinking of the child they had lost and the child they had yet to meet.

  CHAPTER FORTY

  ALICIA

  Everything seemed, different. It even looked different. The grass was still green just not as green as it had been when she first got here. It was like things were fading, or maybe it was her that was fading? I wasn’t scared though; I had Blake and nothing could hurt me as long as Blake was with me. Not that I was afraid that something was going to hurt me, things were just different and sometimes, different is scary. I still spent most of my time with Blake. I loved to listen to the stories of his parents and his life before he came here. I didn’t remember any other life except this one and sometimes that made me sad. I wondered if I had had parents. Sometimes when Blake told me how one of his moms used to hold him when he didn’t feel good, or when he was sick, I longed to feel what that was like. Blake was great and I loved him, but I really wanted a family. I wanted the love of a mother of my own. I didn’t talk to anyone about these desires, I thought that maybe it would make me seem ungrateful for the things I had here. It wasn’t bad here. I had Blake and Jacob and all of the animals. I loved the animals and they se
emed to love me too. I felt love all day long and still, there was something missing. Blake says I talk in my sleep sometimes; I say things like someday and soon but I never remember what I dream about. I don’t know what someday is or what is coming soon. I wish I did, maybe it would make me feel more…whole. Sometimes I would take long walks all by myself and things would be so quiet that I could swear I hear someone calling to me, but when I look, no one is there. I don’t recognize the voice, but it’s female and I like the way it sounds, warm and comforting. Sometimes I can hear that same voice singing. I close my eyes and imagine that she is singing to me and I feel safe and loved. I told Jacob about the voice and the singing once. He just smiled and nodded as if he knew all about it. I didn’t always understand Jacob or the things he said, maybe I wasn’t supposed to until I was older, I don’t know. I felt that a change was coming for me, that I was going to be leaving on a trip…or something. I wasn’t afraid at all, everything inside of me said that this was a good thing. I didn’t know how long I would be gone or where I was going but I did know that I was ready. I would miss Blake though. I knew I would see him again someday. It seemed my whole life came down to someday. It was ok though. Everything was going to be ok.

  CHAPTER FORTY-ONE

  KANE

  Eden felt the baby move this morning. We were sitting down to breakfast just having a normal conversation and she just, stopped talking. She put her hand to her stomach. I jumped up in a panic thinking something was wrong. She was only fifteen weeks pregnant and I was a nervous wreck pretty much all the time. I jumped to her side and saw the tears in her eyes. “What is it? Are you ok?” I asked in a rush running my hands all over her abdomen. “I’m fine” she said smiling through the tears. “Happy tears Kane. The baby, I felt the baby move!” I stood there in awe. It was far too early for me to feel anything from the outside but I put both of my hands on her belly anyway. “Really? What did it feel like?” I kissed her belly and she giggled. “It felt like tiny butterflies just fluttering around in there” I grinned from ear to ear at that. I put my mouth to her belly and spoke. “Are you dancing in there little butterfly?” Eden stroked my hair and held me close. This was just absolutely amazing. It had been with Blake too, I remembered. I looked at my wife and saw such happiness and peace on her face. “It makes it so real doesn’t it” I asked her, my hands still caressing her stomach. “I mean there is a real little person in there, our little person.” I couldn’t help the tears that flowed from my eyes. I felt I had a new lease on life. I was still afraid; I was so afraid of so many things but I was going to be a Mama again and that alone made it all worth it. “You’re still taking half a day, today right? Our appointment with the OBGYN is at one.” Eden stood up to get herself a glass of juice. Her stomach was barely rounded but I could see the difference. She looked beautiful. “Of course. I told Caleb I needed to leave no later than noon. I’ll swing by and pick you up and we’ll head over to the office ok?” Eden sat on my lap and kissed me. “Sounds perfect. The ultrasound should allow us to hear the heartbeat today. God this all seems like a dream sometimes doesn’t it?” My dreams up until recently had been nothing but pain filled nightmares. Of Blake, of the accident, but now, now things looked beautiful again, and my dreams reflected that. “It does. I’m so glad we are doing this baby and I can’t wait to hear our little butterfly’s heartbeat.” I kissed Eden then, I kissed her like I never wanted to stop and I didn’t. Unfortunately, I had to leave for work. “I’ll be here no later than 1215 ok” I asked, kissing Eden one last time. “If you need me for anything, anything at all you call me.” Eden gave me a push towards the door. “I will, I promise. Now go, I love you.” “I love you too. See you soon.” I didn’t want to leave but I knew I couldn’t hover over Eden for the entire nine months, I wanted to but I couldn’t. As I drove down the street, I couldn’t help thinking how much my life had changed in the past few months. I would always miss Blake, always. He was my boy and I knew I would never be quite whole without him, but now I could feel my life moving forward in a positive way. Eden and I were in a good place again, a great place actually. She was my whole heart and I wouldn’t survive without her; I knew that. And now, we had this beautiful little baby coming in a few months and I found my thoughts more and more turning decisively from death to life. I not only wanted to live again, I wanted to be happy, to make Eden happy, to make this new baby happy and healthy. I smiled, a real genuine smile and it felt right. I couldn’t wait for the rest of our lives.

  Noon seemed to take forever to get here. I called Eden twice to check on her. She laughed at my overprotective nature and told me she was fine. I performed my rounds and did my job by rote but I couldn’t think of anything other than the appointment this afternoon and Eden. Caleb poked fun at my inattention when I put Eden’s name at the top of my paperwork instead of my own. Noon finally arrived and I clocked out and headed for home. When I pulled into our driveway Eden was waiting for me on the front steps dressed in denim overalls and one of my old jackets. She looked absolutely adorable. I unlocked the car doors and she jumped in the passenger side. “Hi baby” she said giving me a quick kiss on the cheek. “Hi yourself, feeling ok” Eden threw her head back and laughed out loud. “I feel fine!! Great actually so you can stop worrying anytime now.” I smiled “But, that’s my job.” As we drove down our street, I put my hand on her knee and she covered it with her own. We were silent all the way to the OBGYN office but it was a comfortable silence, each of us in our world looking forward to the appointment and hearing our child’s heart. Dr Andrande had referred us to this obstetrician since the one we had used when Blake was born had moved out of state. “Do you know anything about this new Dr?” I asked Eden. I had never been comfortable meeting new people and this Dr. would have the most important people in my life in her care. “I know it’s a woman.” Eden replied. “She’s comes very highly recommended by Dr Andrande and even Sasha knows of her and has only heard great things. Don’t worry baby, I’m sure she’ll be great.” I nodded as I pulled into the parking lot and tried to find a space close so that Eden wouldn’t have to walk very far. I know I was going overboard with her, and she was humoring me. I had promised I would work on relaxing a bit but I wasn’t quite there yet. I finally found a spot relatively close and pulled in. We walked hand in hand into the Dr’s office. Eden went to the front desk as I took her coat and hung it on the hook by the door. Eden took a seat next to me and laid her head on my shoulder. “The receptionist said that Dr Fletcher is running just a few minutes behind.” I nodded “That’s ok, as long as I have my girl and my little butterfly, I have everything I need.” I patted her tummy and she smiled at me. “Are you going to call our son or daughter butterfly for the entire nine months now?” I thought about it for a second “Yeah, why not!” “Well what if it’s a boy?” I kissed the top of her head. “Well, there are boy butterflies aren’t there?” Eden nodded and laughed. “Butterfly it is then” she replied just as a young woman in pink scrubs called our name. We looked at each other in excitement and rose and followed her to the exam room. Eden donned the paper gown and had just gotten situated on the exam table when Dr Kate Fletcher walked in the room. She was an attractive woman in her mid- forties with a friendly open face. “You must be the Alexander’s. I’m Dr Fletcher but please call me Kate.” I liked her immediately and breathed a sigh of relief. Eden looked at me and winked as if to say I told you so. After Eden and I introduced ourselves to Kate she had Eden lay down on the table and began the examination. “You’re about 16 weeks, now right?” Kate said as she palpated Eden’s abdomen. “Almost Eden replied with a smile grabbing my hand. “Ok everything is good there. I’m going to put some jelly on your stomach now and do the ultra sound. It’ll be cold but I see this is your second baby so you know what to expect.” The smile fell from Eden’s face and I squeezed her hand tighter. Dr Fletcher ran the ultra sound wand along Eden’s belly. “There’s your little one” Eden and I both snapped our attention to the small video monitor. �
��Oh” was all Eden could say and the tears ran down her face. You couldn’t really make much out but that didn’t matter. “That’s the most beautiful baby I have ever seen.” Eden just nodded, too overcome with emotion to speak. Kate leaned over and hit a switch on a machine and all of the sudden the room was filled with the fast fluttering sound of our baby’s heartbeat. “Listen Kane, that’s our baby.” I was the one who couldn’t speak now. I listened to the fluttering sound and thought that I had never heard anything so beautiful in all of my life. I looked down at Eden and bent down to kiss her. “Thank you, thank you” was all I could say to her I was so overcome. Eden looked at Kate. “Does it sound ok; I mean is everything ok?” Kate smiled at both of us “Everything looks and sounds just fine.” Kate replied, shutting off the monitor after printing out a photo. “Look, baby’s first picture!” Eden took the printout reverently in her hands. She gave it me and I just stared at it for the longest time. Finally, I turned to her “she has your nose” I said with a smile. Eden laughed. “She huh? You seem pretty sure of yourself there.” I nodded. I didn’t know why but I felt certain of this one thing. “Yeah, she” I replied and Eden just nodded as if she too had the same feeling. I put the ultra sound photo in the folder Kate had given us with all the prenatal information we would go over later tonight. “Now, I want to keep a close eye on you Eden.” Kate said. “There is nothing wrong but you are ten years old this time around and I want to make sure that everything stays on track.” I stared at Kate looking for any sign that she was uncomfortable with anything. “Do you anticipate some sort of problem? If you do, I want to know about it now rather than later.” I couldn’t help myself, I had to ask. “Not at all, this is all very routine. There is absolutely nothing to worry about and if the time comes when there is, I promise I will speak to you both about it as soon as I know.” That put me at ease a bit and I helped Eden redress and hop off the table. “Thank you, Dr Fletcher, for everything.” Eden said as we both shook her hand again. “It’s my pleasure and it’s Kate remember.” Eden and I both nodded and made our way back out to the receptionist to make our next appointment.