Forever Is Not Enough

by E. L. Todd

  She shrugged. “I guess I’m an enigma.”

  We stopped before the bathroom. “Do you mind if I piss real quick?”

  “Thanks for putting it so mildly…”

  I smirked. “I may come in a pretty package but I’m no prince.” I walked away and looked over my shoulder. “I’ll be right back.”

  After I did my business and washed my hands, I left the bathroom and searched for Beatrice. She wasn’t in the place I left her so I scanned the lobby.

  I finally located her near a movie display, and some guy was talking to her, leaning in. Her arms were across her chest and she seemed uncomfortable. After seeing the enormous size of the guy I didn’t blame her.

  Obviously, this guy was hitting on her. There was no other possibility. It didn’t surprise me because Beatrice was unnaturally beautiful. I pitied her because I knew she was gawked at on a daily basis. I respected all women for having to put up with it.

  I approached her then put my arm around her shoulders. “Hey, babe. You ready to go?”

  She looked at me in confusion but didn’t say anything.

  “Oh…” The guy suddenly stepped back. “I didn’t realize she had a man. My apologies.”

  The giant had manners, surprisingly. “It’s okay. She’s beautiful so I don’t blame you for trying.”

  The guy walked away.

  Beatrice immediately relaxed when he was gone.

  “You okay, B?”

  “Yeah. Thanks for helping me out.”

  “No problem.” I kept my arm around her shoulders as I walked her outside.

  She didn’t seem to mind.

  “Are you hungry?”

  “A little.”

  “Honestly, I’m sick of eating out. You want to go to my place? I make some awesome fajitas.”

  She smiled. “You cook?”

  “I’m no chef but I can do some basic stuff.”

  “That sounds great.”

  “Cool.” I walked with her down the sidewalk and to my apartment. My arm remained around her shoulders and I didn’t think twice about it. It just fit there naturally. She was the perfect height for me. She was a little shorter than Lexie, and I’ve always had a thing for short girls.

  When we entered my apartment, my arm fell to my side. “This is the bachelor pad.”

  She took a look around. “It’s clean.”

  I cocked an eyebrow. “Yes…I know. What did you do expect?”

  She shrugged. “Honestly, not this.” She gave me a smile that told me she was teasing. “It’s very nice. Very manly.”

  There were leather recliners in the living room and a large TV mounted on the wall. Everything was in dark colors, the tone that I preferred. “You want a drink?”

  “Water, please.”

  “Beer it is.”

  She rolled her eyes.

  I moved into the kitchen and started cooking. A moment later, she joined me.

  “Can I help?”

  “You’re my guest. You don’t need to help.”

  “I know but I would like to.” She stood beside me, her head reaching my shoulder. Her hair was shiny under the lights and she smelled like lavender. The red top she wore looked good on her skin tone. Somehow, it brought out the color of her eyes. Her nails were painted a pastel pink, and she wore a single band on one of her pinky fingers.

  I never noticed all those details before.

  Beatrice grabbed the veggies and began to slice them without instruction.

  When I snapped out of my thoughts, I prepared the chicken.

  “So, what’s new with you?” she asked as she concentrated on her work.

  “Nothing, honestly.”

  “How’s the bar?”

  I thought of Maxine. “Business is good. When you sell liquor you’ll never go bankrupt.”

  “True.”

  For some reason I felt the urge to tell Beatrice about Maxine. In a complicated way, Beatrice had become my closest friend. I told her everything, and I was pretty sure she told me everything too. “One of my old fuck buddies came to my office today.”

  She flinched slightly then continued cutting.

  “She wanted to screw in my office.” I wasn’t sure why I was telling her this.

  “Did you?” she asked with indifference.

  “No. I told her to leave.”

  “Did you want to…?” She sliced the peppers and put them in a pile.

  “No. She got in my lap but I couldn’t get hard if I tried.”

  “Then what happened?”

  “I kicked her out.” After I sliced and pounded the chicken I threw it into the hot pan.

  Beatrice kept her gaze averted.

  “When I looked at her all I could think about was Lexie.”

  “Did you cheat on Lexie with this woman?”

  “Yes.” I felt my eyes burn in shame. “She’s not even that pretty and I hardly know her. I cheated on my wife with a woman that doesn’t even compare to her. Why the hell did I do that?” I shook my head in disapproval. “Why did she ever love me? What was she thinking?”

  “There are a lot of reasons to love you, Jared.”

  I stopped what I was doing because her words were so surprising.

  “I know what you did was wrong and I’m not making excuses for it but…there’s a lot more to you than that. You’re smart, sweet, caring, and fun. Don’t base your entire opinion of yourself on that experience.”

  I was flattered by her words even though I didn’t agree with them. “I cheated on my wife. Do you understand how terrible that is? And it didn’t just happen once. It happened several times. That makes me a piece of shit, B. Don’t sugarcoat it.”

  “It’s in the past and you’ve learned from your mistakes.”

  “But that doesn’t excuse what I did. I literally broke Lexie’s heart.” I stirred the chicken and felt my self-loathing grow.

  “I’m not excusing what you did,” she said with a stronger voice. “But it’s in the past. Let it go.”

  “But I—”

  “Do you regret it?”

  I pressed my lips tightly together. “Of course I do.”

  “Would you ever do it again?”

  “Absolutely not.”

  “Then that’s all that matters.” She turned back to the veggies and tossed them in the pan.

  “Lexie would disagree with you…”

  “I really don’t think she would. You’ve beaten yourself up over this long enough. Let it go and move on.”

  “Easier said than done…”

  “And you shouldn’t punish yourself by being celibate. If you want to get laid, you should get laid. You aren’t married anymore and you aren’t betraying anyone.”

  “But I don’t want to get laid,” I said quietly. “If I really need to get off my hand works just as good. I want something more than that. I want a relationship. I want something meaningful. I want the marriage I never appreciated.”

  “Well, you’ll never get there if you keep hating yourself.”

  “But I should hate myself.”

  “No.” She put her hand on my shoulder.

  I stilled at the touch.

  “Jared, I’m not good with people…as you’ve probably noticed. You’ve been really nice to me even when I annoy you. You took me under your wing and forced me to leave my comfort zone. And you’ve respected me the entire time. With you, I don’t feel like a piece of meat. You look into my eyes when you talk to me, not my breasts. You make me feel comfortable…which is nearly impossible to do. I wouldn’t feel this way around you unless I knew you were a good person. So stop saying these means things about yourself, because you’re my friend.”

  I smiled slightly. “You know, that’s the nicest thing you’ve ever said to me.”

  She released a faint chuckle. “Well, I mean it. You’re a good guy, Jared. You’ll realize it eventually.” She grabbed the spatula from my hand and stirred the fajitas because they were starting to burn.

  It was the first time I s
omewhat liked myself. My mind was usually fixed on all the terrible aspects of my past. But Beatrice made me feel…like a good person. “Thanks.”

  Chapter Eight

  Arsen

  The phone rang three times before Ryan answered. “Hey, man. Want to hit the gym or the court?”

  “Neither. Can you watch Abby for me?” I stood in the kitchen and stared at the ground. I was in deep shit right now. Silke and I hadn’t had a fight like this in…I can’t even remember the last time we had a fight. I couldn’t chase after Silke when she ran out because of Abby. Obviously, I couldn’t leave her alone in the apartment, and I certainly couldn’t take her with me.

  “Like, right this second?” he asked incredulously.

  “Yes. It’s important.”

  “Well, I was going to watch the game…”

  “You can watch it here. Please. I only need a few hours.”

  “Is everything alright, kid?” he asked, concern coming into his voice.

  “Silke and I…we had a bad fight. She won’t talk to me and I need to head to her apartment. Obviously, I can’t bring Abby along.”

  “Oh…I see.”

  It was a little awkward since he was Silke’s father. “Yeah…”

  “I’ll be there in a few minutes.” He hung up without saying goodbye.

  I sat at the dining room table and stared out the window. Abby was sitting on the couch watching TV. It was the first day I didn’t force her to work on homework all afternoon. She was enjoying her freedom and not making a sound, probably because she didn’t want to remind me that she had studying too.

  My situation with Silke was bad. She never got that angry about anything. Of course, she got fired up over stuff but this was different. And to make it worse, she had every right to be mad. I did lie to her. That was my fault.

  But what alternative did I have?

  Ryan walked inside a few minutes later. “Grandpa’s here!”

  “Grandpa?” Abby looked over the back of the couch. “Yay!” Her eyes widened in excitement.

  Ryan chuckled then gave her a big hug. “How’s my sweetheart?”

  “Good,” she said. “You want to watch my show with me?”

  “I’d love to,” he said. “But let me talk to your dad real quick.”

  “Okay.” She sat back down and faced the TV.

  I grabbed my wallet and keys and prepared to leave.

  “So…what’s this about?” Ryan asked.

  “That teacher who hit on me.”

  He sighed. “Dude, I told you not to tell her.”

  “I didn’t,” I snapped. “She found out from Ms. Norris. Now she’s pissed off I lied to her.”

  His eyes narrowed. “The teacher actually told Silke what she was trying to do?”

  “I have no idea because I haven’t had a chance to talk to her.”

  Ryan whistled in a mournful way. “Good luck, son.”

  “Thanks…”

  He clapped my shoulder. “Remember one thing about Silke. She says a lot of things she doesn’t mean when she’s angry.”

  “Yeah, I know.” I gave Abby a quick kiss before I headed out. “Thanks for watching her.”

  “No problem. You know I love her more than you anyway.” He winked at me before he headed to the couch.

  ***

  I knocked on her door and tried to remain calm. I wanted to break it down because I was so anxious. If I didn’t clear this up it would eat me alive. Silke was my whole world and not having her around was killing me. I already lived without her once. I refused to do it again. “Silke, open the door.”

  There was no response.

  I knocked again. “Now.”

  Silence.

  I resorted to my days on the streets and pulled a paperclip from my pocket. I used my pocketknife for leverage and twisted the lock. It clicked audibly. Then I turned the handle and walked inside.

  Silke was sitting at the kitchen table painting a sculpture. She gave me a death threat with just her gaze. “Get. Out.”

  I shut the door behind me. “No.”

  She threw her paintbrush down. “I’m so pissed off at you right now. We don’t talk when you feel like it. We talk when I’m ready to talk. Now get out before I throw you out.”

  I didn’t budge. “I’m sorry I lied to you.”

  “You think that means anything to me, Arsen? You shouldn’t have lied to begin with. That goes against everything we believe in. It breaks the foundation of this relationship. It was so hard for me to give you another chance because I wasn’t sure if I could trust you. Don’t make me regret that decision.”

  I kept my hands by my sides and didn’t come any closer to her. “The only reason why I lied was because I knew how you would react. When I told you she made a pass at me once, you were really upset. I didn’t want to push you over the edge.”

  “My reaction doesn’t give you a right to lie to me.”

  I knew that’s what her counter would be. And now I had nothing to say back.

  “Why did you lie, Arsen?” She stood up and crossed her arms over her chest.

  “I just told you—”

  “Or is it because you’re hiding something?”

  The insult stung—hard.

  “I wouldn’t have been happy if you told me the truth—not at all. I would have been pissed off and I would have volunteered to pick up Abby every day so that cunt couldn’t come near you again. But that would have been the worst of it. If I were going to throw a punch I would have done it today. But I didn’t—for Abby. So, what’s the real reason you lied?”

  “I told you why,” I said calmly.

  “Or is it because you’re attracted to her?” Pain bubbled in her eyes.

  “Don’t be ridiculous—”

  “Is it because you want her and you don’t want me to know?”

  “You’re out of your mind right now.”

  “She said she made a pass at you and you struggled to resist. She said it’s only a matter of time before you cave.”

  “What?” I blurted. “That’s not true—”

  “Then why did you lie?” She was practically hysterical at this point. “Just tell me. You want her? You want to fuck her?”

  “No!” I clenched my hands into fists because steam was coming out of my ears. “Don’t insult me like that again.”

  “Don’t insult me by lying to me.”

  “I just didn’t want you to get worked up over something that doesn’t matter. She can’t have me because only you can have me.”

  “Out of obligation?”

  Seriously, what was wrong with her? “Obligation?”

  “You’re with me and now you’re stuck with me. If you left me, you would lose Ryan. You want this woman but you’re being held back because of me.”

  That was the craziest thing I’ve ever heard. “If I left you, Ryan would still be in my life. He loves me no matter what happens between us. No, you don’t hold me back for that reason. You don’t hold me back—period. I’m with you because you’re the woman of my dreams. How can you possibly doubt that?”

  She crossed her arms over her chest. “When you hide things from me.”

  Fuck, this mistake would haunt me forever. “Look, this is what happened. I met Ms. Norris for the parent-teacher conference. She told me Abby was struggling. Then she invited me to dinner so we could discuss it. Obviously, I said no.”

  Silke watched me with guarded eyes.

  “Then she kept pushing and offered a physical relationship. She said she didn’t care that I had a girlfriend and it would be a secret affair. Obviously, I said no because I’m in love with you. She said the offer is still on the table.”

  Her eyes burned with pain and jealousy.

  “There,” I snapped. “Is that what you wanted to hear? This woman doesn’t give a damn that I’m with someone else because all she wants to do is fuck my brains out. All she wants is sex. Happy? Is that better?”

  Silke’s eyes watered.

  “So, y
ou’ve told me about every guy that’s hit on you?”

  She looked away.

  “No, you haven’t. You know exactly how I’ll react. Now you’re just as guilty as I am.”

  “If you asked me directly I wouldn’t lie to you.”

  I growled and clenched my teeth together.

  She turned away and headed to her bedroom. “Just leave me alone, Arsen.”

  “We’re not done talking.” I grabbed her by the arm and forced her to face me.

  She pushed my chest as hard as she could but I didn’t move.

  “Silke.” I grabbed both of her wrists and held them with a single hand. “You honestly think I would ever do something like that to you? You honestly think I would ever want another woman? After everything we’ve been through, you can actually think such a vial thing?”

  She breathed hard while she stared at me.

  “If that’s how you really feel, then why are we together?”

  Her eyes bubbled with tears. They started to redden at the corners. “You haven’t asked me.”

  I didn’t understand her meaning. “Asked you what, Silke?”

  “To marry you.” Her bottom lip quivered. “We’ve been together for so long and it doesn’t even seem like you’re going to ask me. Why haven’t you?”

  I had no idea this was something she was upset about.

  “It’s because you aren’t sure. It’s because of gorgeous women like her. And don’t you dare tell me you don’t think she’s beautiful because I know you do.”

  “That’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard,” I hissed. “I don’t think she’s beautiful. I think she’s a stuck up bitch that doesn’t like being rejected. That’s what I think. There’s only woman I’ve ever known that deserves to be called beautiful. I sincerely hope you can figure out who that is.”

  “Actions speak louder than words, Arsen.” She twisted from my grasp. “Now you have a new life, Abby is completely yours, you have a stable job and money. It’s a whole new world with you. You were with me before all these changes, and now it’s a new playing field. You can date whomever you want and have any woman you want. Settling down isn’t what you want.”

  Her words were breaking my heart. “Please don’t tell me you really think that. Silke, all I want is you. I’ve shown that to you every day we’ve been together. I swear on Abby’s life I don’t even look at other women.”