Wishful Thinking (How To Be The Best Damn Faery Godmother In The World (Or Die Trying) Book 1)

by Helen Harper

  The man was mad. Utterly, stark raving crazy. I gaped, shuffling over to the left ever so slightly as I did so. Not far from the Director’s severed finger lay her dropped wand. If I could grab it then there might still be a chance. There was no doubt in my mind that it was a powerful instrument. In my hands it could become the lethal weapon we needed.

  ‘You will spread the word,’ Bernard told me. ‘Make sure everyone knows what has happened here. Make sure every faery godmother knows what’s coming for them. It won’t merely be a few disappearances they have to worry about now.’

  ‘I still don’t understand,’ I said, finally getting the toe of my shoe to touch the edge of the Director’s wand. ‘Why do you have it in for faery godmothers?’

  He snarled. ‘You all think you’re heroes. You don’t understand that you’re the villains. You always have been.’

  I moved my feet, dragging the wand a few inches towards me. ‘You’re right. I don’t understand.’

  Bernard’s mouth down-turned. ‘No, I don’t suppose you do. You will though.’ He said this last part ominously. I had no idea what he was referring to. ‘For now, you might not have the knowledge but you have the resources. The magic. The manpower. You faeries think you’re in control of this world.’ He spat on the ground, some of the Director’s blood still in his saliva. ‘Not for much longer. Humans have revered you and despised us for too long. We will change all that.’

  The Director’s gaze momentarily flicked downwards and her head moved imperceptibly. I didn’t waste any further time. I lunged down, grabbing her wand up in one swift movement before thrusting it out towards the group of trolls. I didn’t have a conscious thought about what I was doing. I just wanted to get the Director free and attack the bastards who were attacking us. There was a loud roar and, pounding the ground from directly behind me, the large green monster who’d terrified Duncan and my dope faery trainees appeared. It thundered towards Bernard and the other trolls, rage reverberating through its body.

  ‘Get the Director into the van!’ Bernard shouted.

  I jerked forward, trying to reach for the Director and pull her back out of harm’s way. My fingers brushed against her arm before she was abruptly dragged away towards the still waiting vehicle.

  ‘Jasper!’ I shrieked. ‘Jasper!’ Where the fuck was he?

  I ran towards the trio of trolls, desperate to protect the Director in any way that I could while the green monster roared at Bernard. It raised one massive, quivering thigh then kicked him smack bang in the chest. He went flying backwards. As he fell, however, he flung his arms upwards. My monster choked, coming to an abrupt halt with its massive hair paws reaching for its chest. I didn’t look back to see what happened. I just continued to pelt for the other trolls. Then something hit me from the side, slamming into my skull. I toppled to the ground, agony tearing through me. I blinked, managing to see the Director as she was bundled into the back of the van. Then I screeched in pain as a hand grabbed a hank of my hair and lifted up my head for me. It felt like my scalp was being ripped out.

  ‘Neat trick,’ Bernard said, his face looming over mine. A trickle of blood ran from the corner of his mouth and a large bruise was already forming down one side of his face. It wasn’t enough to stop him, however, and I couldn’t tell what had happened to my own monstrous conjuration. ‘I wouldn’t have expected a faery godmother to be capable of such a clever feat. It doesn’t matter though.’ He shrugged. ‘I still win.’ He leaned in even more closely. ‘Interesting that you were calling for the Devil’s Advocate. He won’t help you now any more than your Director will.’ He bared his teeth in a smile and dropped me. Then he aimed a sharp kick towards my stomach and more pain screamed through me. I curled up into a foetal position in a weak bid to protect myself. Bernard just laughed. ‘Don’t forget to tell all your little faery friends that the trolls are coming.’ He aimed another kick at my side, as if for good measure. ‘Toodle pip, sweetheart.’

  Chapter Twenty Five

  I didn’t know how long I stayed there on that cold, hard ground. There was little coherent thought in my head. In truth, I couldn’t think beyond the agonizing pain that had all but shattered my body. I drifted in and out of consciousness several times, my breath ragged as I wheezed through several broken ribs.

  ‘For fuck’s sake. What’s happened to you?’ A familiar face swam towards mine.

  I blinked and tried to focus. ‘Wha – at?’

  ‘Should get yourself a pair of wings, faery. Then you can fly to casualty and get yourself fixed up.’

  ‘Vincent?’ I croaked.

  ‘Who else? Hang on. I’ll call an ambulance.’

  I clutched at his leg. ‘No. No, ambulance.’

  ‘You’re in a bad way. Unless you want to bleed out right here, you need to get to hospital.’

  ‘No,’ I repeated. ‘Help me up.’

  He hesitated. Then his hands reached under my armpits and he pulled me up to a sitting position. ‘That’s what happens when you go interfering on other people’s business,’ he told me. ‘I could have seen it coming a mile off.’

  ‘Yeah, yeah.’ I raised my head and looked over at the café where Jasper had supposedly gone to wait. ‘Help me across the road. I need to see inside that coffee shop.’

  ‘I don’t recommend it. Their food is shite and their coffee is worse.’

  ‘Please,’ I whispered.

  He sighed as if all this was a great burden to him. He should walk in my shoes. ‘Alright then.’ He raised me up to my feet. ‘Can you even walk?’

  I nodded. ‘Yes.’ I took a step and my knees gave way. Fuck a puck. Maybe not then. My gaze snagged on something lying on the ground. The Director’s wand. I must have dropped it when I’d been struck in the head. Bernard screwed up massively by leaving it with me. Then it occurred to me that it might have been deliberate. He wanted me alive so that I would spread the word about him. After all, he was already long gone now. I couldn’t do anything to stop him. I had no idea where he’d gone either, and no way of tracking him.

  I pointed at the wand. ‘Can you get that for me?’

  Vincent pursed his lips. He did as I asked though, bending down and retrieving the wand. ‘This is how you do that magic shit, right?’ he asked. He waved the wand around in the air. ‘Nothing’s happening.’ He sounded disappointed.

  ‘You’re not a faery,’ I said, barely managing to get the words out. ‘Give it to me.’

  ‘You’re not going to turn me into a frog, are you? I’m trying to help you. And I’ve not sold any drugs since I spoke to you.’ He said as if I should be proud of his accomplishment. He’d only been released yesterday.

  ‘Just give me the fucking wand.’

  Vincent huffed. He did, however, place it into my outstretched hand. I heaved in a pained breath and squeezed my eyes shut. Then I waved the wand around me. This had better bloody work.

  The pain eased almost instantly, my bones re-knitting back together again. I’d be sore for a long time yet and no manner of wand waving would resolve the ugly bruises which I knew had already formed all down my body. I’d be able to walk now though. And think. That was something.

  ‘Thank you,’ I gasped.

  Vincent peered at me. ‘You’ve got some colour in your cheeks. You still don’t look great though. I can still call that ambulance.’

  ‘No.’ I heaved myself upwards once again. ‘The café. Now.’

  ‘Honestly,’ he said, as I began to stagger out of the park and towards the orange glow of the coffee shop, ‘this place is not worth it. You don’t need food poisoning to deal with on top of everything else.’

  He meant well. I couldn’t prevent myself from turning towards him and snarling, however. He stepped back and held up his palms. ‘Fuck you then.’ He turned on his heel and began to walk away.

  I scowled. Damn it. ‘Vincent,’ I called. ‘Please don’t go. I’m sorry. I’m just still hurting. Something very bad has happened and I’m worried. Can you help me out? St
ay with me for a while longer?’ I couldn’t face being on my own on these streets, even if the alternative was a grubby drug dealer with loose morals.

  He crossed his arms and pouted. Actually pouted.

  ‘Please?’

  ‘What do I get in return?’

  Damn it. This wasn’t worth it. ‘Never mind. I’ll manage on my own.’ I turned away and continued shuffling to the café.

  Vincent swore again and caught up to me. ‘Fine,’ he said. ‘I’ll stay with you. Just remember that I helped you out though. Okay?’

  ‘Okay.’ I was more relieved that he was staying than I’d have thought possible. I swallowed. ‘Thank you.’

  ‘That’s more like it.’ He took my arm and helped me over.

  Vincent pushed open the café door and looked inside. Then he drew back. ‘This is more of a bad idea than I thought it was. The place has been trashed.’

  My heart sank to the bottom of my boots. ‘I have to see.’ I sidled past him and walked in, barely managing to stop myself from crying out when I saw the devastation inside.

  The few tables and chairs were overturned and there were shards of glass all over the floor. One of the plaster walls had several holes which appeared to have been punched through it and the fridge which contained cans and bottles of drinks was lying face down. Vincent knelt down, dipping his finger in a pool of liquid.

  ‘It’s blood,’ he said unnecessarily.

  ‘Yeah.’ I heaved a sigh and blinked back tears. ‘I figured.’ I scanned the room. Jasper had put up a hell of a fight but whatever had happened here had happened quickly. Those trolls were stronger than I’d thought if they could best the Devil’s Advocate. Maybe they’d followed him in here and attacked him before he even knew what was going on. Then I thought about the man who’d served me when I’d come in for lunch before. I briefly closed my eyes. The trolls didn’t have to follow him. One of them had already been waiting in here. The entire café was probably a set up to keep an eye on the park. No wonder the food was so bad. They didn’t want customers. They only wanted an excuse to be here.

  ‘How long has this place been open?’ I glanced at Vincent.

  ‘Couple of months, maybe more.’ He frowned. ‘Why?’

  I passed a hand over my forehead. ‘It doesn’t matter.’ Not now. I grimaced. Despite the magic I’d performed on myself, I still had a horrific headache. I looked round the café once again. I couldn’t deal with all this on my own. I’d have to get some more help from somewhere.

  Vincent bent down and picked something up. He held it up towards the light. ‘Check this out,’ he said. ‘It’s some sort of dart.’ He reached out to touch the tip of it.

  I hissed at him. ‘Don’t touch that!’

  He instantly dropped it. ‘Why not?’

  Because it seemed almost inconceivable that Jasper could have been taken - but that dart explained it. If he had his back turned to the slimy bastard who’d worked here and he’d been shot with some sort of poisonous projectile, then he could have fallen unconscious – or worse – before he could have defended himself properly. I glanced round the devastation once more. He’d still given it his best shot though.

  ‘Just don’t,’ I said.

  Vincent shrugged, using his hand to push back a limp hank of hair which was falling into his eyes. I stared at him. Fuck a puck. Why hadn’t I paid attention to that before? I was a prize idiot.

  ‘I need to get to my office,’ I said faintly.

  Vincent blinked at me. ‘You want to go to work? Now?’

  ‘There are people there who can help with … this.’ I waved a hand around.

  ‘Whatever this is,’ he muttered. ‘Is it far? This office of yours?’

  I shook my head. ‘Only a few streets away. Can you help me?’ It was hard to believe I still needed his help but the last thing I wanted was to collapse in the middle of the street before I could raise the alarm.

  ‘Then let’s go. I don’t want to be anywhere near here when the coppers arrive. They’ll think I did this.’ He scratched his head. ‘Unless I pin the blame on you.’ He offered me a tiny grin.

  I tried to smile in return but I didn’t do a very good job of it. Vincent seemed to realise how much I was struggling and put an arm round my shoulder. ‘Come on then. You’ve got this, Alicia.’

  I sniffed. ‘Saffron.’

  ‘You told me your name was Alicia.’

  ‘I lied. It’s Saffron.’

  I was waiting for some snippy remark in return. He only dipped his head though in acknowledgment. ‘You’ve got this, Saffron.’

  I swallowed. I really didn’t. But I would – if only because failure was not an option.

  ***

  I wasn’t sure if anyone would be left in the office but I was banking on the faery godmothers’ propensity to work late. Mrs Jardine was still at the front desk and I suspected there were plenty more people upstairs. I hoped so anyway. I was going to need them. She didn’t look particularly pleased to see me lurch in with Vincent by my side. Unfortunately, I didn’t think anything I said would improve her mood.

  ‘You can’t come in here, Saffron!’ She rose to her feet. ‘Not now and certainly not after hours. If the Director hears about it, there will be hell to pay.’

  Vincent paid her words no attention. He whistled loudly and gazed round at all the shiny marble. ‘I’ve walked down this street a thousand times,’ he said, ‘and I’ve never noticed this building before.’ He goggled about himself. ‘It smells so good. And it’s so … clean.’

  Under any other circumstances, Mrs Jardine’s horror would have been comical. ‘You brought a human here?’

  ‘Is she another one of your faery types?’ Vincent asked me. ‘She’s kinda hot.’

  Mrs Jardine looked even more shocked. ‘You told him what we are?’ She threw her hands up in dismay. ‘You’re not protected by the memory magic any more! Saffron, I know you must be upset at being fired but this kind of behaviour will have serious consequences.’

  Vincent looked at me. ‘You’ve been fired?’ He gave me a nod of approval. ‘Kudos.’

  I rolled my eyes. I wasn’t quite sure how getting sacked earned me any brownie points whatsoever. ‘Thank you so much for your help in getting me here, Vincent. I’m not sure I would have made it without you.’

  A flicker of hope lit his eyes. ‘Does this mean I get another wish?’

  ‘It means next time I see you, I might buy you a coffee.’

  He grunted. ‘I’d rather have a pint.’

  ‘I can manage that. Now,’ I added, aware of Mrs Jardine’s pursed lips and bristling disapproval, ‘you have to remember not to…’

  ‘Tell anyone about any of this. Yeah, yeah. No-one would believe me anyway.’ He looked over at Mrs Jardine then blew her a kiss. ‘Hope to see you again, doll-face.’ He jabbed me. ‘Don’t get yourself killed, faery.’ He spun round, his trenchcoat flapping round his ankles. Then he exited.

  ‘Saffron,’ Mrs Jardine was still shaking her head. ‘What have you done?’

  ‘That human is the last of our worries,’ I told her. ‘I need to speak to every faery who’s still left in this office. It’s urgent.’

  Her frown deepened. ‘You know that’s not going to happen. And before you suggest it, I can’t even ask the Director if it’s okay. She’s already left for the night.’

  ‘I know,’ I said grimly. ‘But unless we do something now, she won’t be coming back.’

  ‘What on earth …?’ She took another look at my face and sank down in her chair. ‘Oh no.’

  ‘Oh yes.’ I set my jaw. ‘Get everyone down here.’

  ***

  It didn’t take long. When Mrs Jardine wanted something done, it happened quickly. She made the wise decision not to inform the other faeries as to why she was requesting their presence in the lobby. When the small group of around ten faeries exited the lift and caught sight of me, their expressions pretty much said it all.

  Before they could start throwing t
heir magical toys out of the pram, I hastily spoke up. ‘The Director has been abducted by the same wankers who took the others. There’s not just one kidnapper. There are several of them.’ My mouth flattened. ‘I think they’ve got the Devil’s Advocate as well.’

  For one long moment, everyone stared at me. Then there was an explosion of noise.

  ‘What the fuck?’

  ‘No way. That wouldn’t happen!’

  ‘What the hell are we going to do now?’

  I held up my palms in a bid to silence them. Unbelievably, it worked. Even Alicia stopped talking.

  ‘I saw it all happen,’ I said. ‘I tried to stop it but I was attacked in the process.’ I reached into my pocket and took out the Director’s wand. There was another collective gasp of horror. ‘She was lured out there and then she was taken. Thrown into a van and driven off. The tosser in charge wanted me to tell everyone what he’s done. He’s on a mission to spread terror amongst every faery in the country.’ I waited for a beat. ‘His name is Bernard and he said he was a troll.’

  Almost every single face looked confused. The only two faeries who didn’t were Mrs Jardine and Billy.