Wishful Thinking (How To Be The Best Damn Faery Godmother In The World (Or Die Trying) Book 1)

by Helen Harper

  Rupert ran a hand through his hair and stepped forward. ‘Saffron,’ he drawled, ‘as much as I want to believe all this, trolls don’t exist.’ He gave me a kindly look that swept in my entire body. He still seemed to think that he might be in with a shot to get into my knickers, despite my new unemployed status and supposed tall tales.

  I looked at Mrs Jardine, raising my eyebrows. ‘Care to add anything to that?’ I inquired.

  ‘I thought they were all dead,’ she said quietly. ‘I was working here at the time and we were told they were all dead in the same way that you were told that at school.’ Every single eye turned towards her. Mrs Jardine wrung her hands. ‘There were never very many of them. They tended to keep to themselves and stay out of our way. Most lived in caves and tunnels. They didn’t like humans and didn’t appreciate that we essentially work to improve humans’ lives. They didn’t bother us though.’

  ‘But?’ I prodded.

  She sighed. ‘But about forty years ago, there was a terrible accident. A landslide in the hills in Wales. The trolls had all been gathered there for some sort of meeting to elect a new leader. That’s what I heard anyway. They were all caught in the landslide.’ Her voice dropped. ‘They all died.’

  ‘We know all this,’ Delilah said. ‘It was covered in school.’

  Indeed. Clearly they didn’t all die though. I opened my mouth to ask her more when Billy broke in. ‘That’s not the full story.’

  Mrs Jardine looked away.

  ‘The full story,’ Billy continued, ‘is that the landslide occurred because of a wish that went wrong. A wish that the faery godmothers granted. The reason that you’ve never heard of it before now is because it was covered up to avoid any taint attaching itself to this office.’

  I shook my head in disgust. Unbelievable. ‘This,’ I said, ‘is why it’s vital for history to be full, transparent and available to all. Otherwise no-one learns from their mistakes and sooner or later your past deeds come back to bite you on the arse.’

  ‘It wasn’t a deliberate cover-up,’ Mrs Jardine said. ‘Not exactly. It just wasn’t spoken of again. The truth is that the trolls died in an accident. The fact that it was an inadvertent result of a wish gone wrong doesn’t change that fact. Most faeries barely knew that the trolls existed in the first place. The faery godmothers who knew what had occurred were simply too embarrassed and horrified by what had happened to dwell on it. There was nothing sinister behind the omission. Not intentionally, anyway.’

  ‘Those surviving trolls might beg to disagree,’ I muttered. It seemed to me that faery godmothers spent a great deal of time hiding the truth from both themselves and others. I shivered. I felt light-headed and ill and it wasn’t simply because of the unpleasant revelations. ‘I need a chair.’ I wavered over to the uncomfortable seats I’d been forced to wait in less than a week ago and slumped down. ‘Regardless of their underlying motives, these trolls want us terrified. Bernard and his buddies want to destroy us, root and stem. They want revenge for what we did to their kind.’

  ‘What do we do? What can we do?’ Figgy’s voice was rising along with her panic. ‘What the fuck can we do?’

  ‘We find the trolls’ hideout,’ I said quietly. ‘With as much haste as possible. I know who we can ask. I just need a bit of help to get there before I pass out again.’ I raised my head and gazed blearily at them all. ‘I need all your help.’

  Alicia strode out in front of the group. ‘The Director needs us!’ she bellowed. ‘We have to help her. We will help her. We are faery godmothers! We are faery godmothers!’

  Everyone else joined in, the chorus of voices growing. ‘We are faery godmothers!’

  My eyes met Billy’s. Given the revelations we’d heard, I wasn’t convinced that anyone should be proud to be a faery godmother. However, if Alicia’s rallying cry meant that we could work together to save the Director, the other faeries, and Jasper, then I guessed it would be worth it.

  Chapter Twenty Six

  One small group went with Rupert to the Adventus room to scour the archives for any historical mention of trolls which might help us. One small group went with Mrs Jardine to investigate both St Clements Park and the café for any clues I might have missed. The rest of us went to see Duncan. It would be an education for Alicia, Delilah and even Billy, if nothing else.

  ‘Are you feeling any better?’ Billy asked me in a low voice, when we pulled up to Duncan’s building.

  ‘I don’t feel like I’m about to faint any more so I suppose so,’ I said. I tried to smile cheerfully at him but we both knew I didn’t really mean it.

  ‘I don’t understand,’ Alicia said, with a disgusted expression on her face, ‘why are we coming to see a drug addict again?’

  ‘Because,’ I answered calmly, ‘I think he might know where we can find the trolls.’

  ‘Even if he does know anything, won’t he be too off his face to tell us anything?’

  I shrugged. ‘He tends to stick to shrooms and avoid harder substances.’

  ‘He takes drugs,’ Alicia sneered.

  I opened my mouth to tell her that the Director herself was probably lured out to her own abduction on the promise of some drugs. Then I thought better of it. ‘Duncan is an intelligent guy.’ I laughed humourlessly. ‘Frankly, if I was as smart as him, I’d have spoken to him again before now and we might have avoided all of this.’

  Alicia snorted. ‘Well,’ she said, ‘frankly, we all wish that you were smarter.’

  ‘If only I spent more time thinking about hair, then maybe I would be.’

  She glared at me and tossed her head, apparently thinking I was making some sort of dig at her shiny golden locks. ‘What on earth does that mean?’

  I sighed. ‘Never mind.’ I rang Duncan’s buzzer. Come on, I prayed. Please be in. Last time I’d spoken to him I’d not officially been working so there would be no memory magic to block his mind. He would remember me from that encounter. It was something I was counting on.

  ‘Who is it?’ his voice asked, trembling through the speaker.

  ‘It’s Saffron. Your mate. I thought I’d pop by with a few friends.’

  There was a pause. ‘Those mushrooms you brought last time were shite.’

  I winced. ‘Sorry.’

  ‘I don’t want to talk to you again.’

  ‘Wait,’ I said, ‘Duncan, I just …’ I cursed. The lack of static noise told me that he’d already clicked off.

  ‘What now?’ Delilah asked.

  I tightened my jaw with resolute determination. I had to speak to Duncan. There was no other choice. ‘Wait here,’ I said.

  ‘What will you do?’

  I drew back my shoulders in preparation. ‘I’ve still got the Director’s wand.’ I smiled grimly. ‘I will cast some faery godmother magic.’

  Billy reached into the bag on his shoulder and pulled out a wad of bright pink fabric. ‘You might need this then.’

  I shook out the cloak and placed it round my shoulders. ‘Fabulous. Thank you.’ I glanced at the three of them. ‘Keep an eye out down here for any passersby.’ Then I waved the wand and began to rise up through the air, the cloak billowing out behind me. Hey, I was a faery; I had to fly at some point.

  Duncan’s dirty window was only just ajar. It certainly wasn’t a wide enough gap that I could fit through. Rather than attempt to open it further from this side, I leaned over and tapped it with my wand. A moment later, Duncan peered out. When he saw me, he fell backwards. ‘Wh .. what?’

  ‘Let me in, Duncan.’ I smiled at him, noting his dilated pupils. He might not have appreciated the mushrooms I’d given him but he’d gotten something more potent from somewhere. That was good. It meant this would go easier. ‘It’s Saffron. Remember?’

  Duncan began to violently shake his head from left to right. ‘I’m not letting you in. You might be evil.’

  Yeah, Duncan was indeed intelligent. ‘I’m really not. But we can chat while I’m out here if you prefer.’ I supposed it would wa
ste less time, even if it was a considerable effort to keep myself afloat like this, despite the handy help the Director’s wand granted me.

  ‘I came to see you before,’ I said, ‘about the boogeyman.’

  ‘Yeah?’ he edged over on all fours to the window and peered down, as if expecting to see a ladder propping me up.

  ‘I made a mistake. I thought the boogeyman you were talking about was a guy called Vincent. But I was wrong. Vincent has shoulder length grey hair. When I spoke to you before and I mentioned the boogeyman’s hair, you threw me out. That’s because your boogeyman is bald, isn’t he? And his name isn’t Vincent. It’s Bernard.’

  Duncan swallowed, his Adam’s apple bobbing up and down. He seemed reluctant to answer but something about the bizarreness of this situation must have persuaded him otherwise because he finally nodded. ‘Yeah,’ he said, sitting up on his knees. ‘Bernard the boogeyman.’

  I breathed out. I’d been on the right lines all along. If I’d had more faith in my own long shot from the start then I might have found Bernard days ago. I shook myself. I couldn’t focus on what had already happened and what I’d already missed. I had to worry about what would happen next.

  ‘You told me to avoid St Clements Park in order to avoid him,’ I said urgently.

  ‘He’s there a lot,’ Duncan muttered. ‘Don’t go there. It’s a bad place.’

  I wondered if Duncan had witnessed Bernard and his team abducting any of the other faery godmothers from the park. I decided that I didn’t need to know. It wouldn’t help. ‘When he’s not at St Clements Park, Duncan, where is he?’

  ‘I can’t tell you.’ He shook his head with vehement denial. ‘It’s too dangerous.’

  ‘Duncan,’ I pressed, ‘Bernard has kidnapped some friends of mine.’ Jasper’s dark features flashed into my mind and I felt a sudden pulse of pain ripple through me. ‘I think he’ll hurt them. I have to find him and find them before it’s too late.’

  Duncan looked upset. ‘I don’t want anyone to get hurt.’

  ‘Then tell me where I can find Bernard. Where does he live? Where else does he hang out?’

  Duncan blinked. He wasn’t going to tell me. I could see his continued denial written all over his drawn, haggard face. I clenched my fists. ‘I’m floating like this, Duncan, because I’m a faery godmother.’ I licked my lips. If Jasper could hear me now, he’d throw another fit. I wished he would. ‘I’m a faery godmother,’ I repeated. ‘Tell me where Bernard is and I will grant you a wish. Any wish.’ Another off the books wish wasn’t a great idea but I had to give him something. This was getting desperate.

  ‘You’ll give me a wish?’ he asked doubtfully.

  ‘Anything,’ I said. ‘Just say the word and I’ll give you whatever you want.’

  ‘I don’t want anything.’

  ‘There must be something.’

  He seemed puzzled. ‘I’ve got a roof over my head and food to eat. I’ve got friends and family. I have fun tripping on some shrooms from time to time which takes the edge off the problems I’ve got. Why would I want anything else? Things could be a hell of a lot worse. I’m lucky.’

  There was a lesson in there for all of us. ‘I can give you what your heart desires.’

  A tiny smile lit his mouth. ‘My heart is happy.’ He looked at me. ‘Actually, there is one thing.’

  That was more like it. ‘Go on.’

  A calculating light came into his eyes. ‘Your cloak.’

  I blinked. ‘Huh?’

  ‘Give me your cloak. I like the colour. Give me it and I’ll tell you where the boogeyman is.’

  ‘That’s what you want?’ I asked stupidly.

  From behind the window, Duncan folded his arms. ‘That’s what I want.’

  I all but ripped it off my body. ‘Here.’ I shoved it through the small gap. ‘Take it. It’s yours.’

  He grabbed it, before holding it up and stroking the material with his fingers. ‘It’s so soft.’ He wrapped it round his shoulders and grinned. ‘I love it.’

  I watched him for a moment. ‘I wish I knew more people like you, Duncan,’ I said softly.

  ‘You ought to get out more,’ he advised.

  ‘Saffron!’ Billy hissed from below. ‘Some people are coming! You have to get down from there.’

  ‘Please, Duncan,’ I said quickly. ‘Where can I find Bernard? I have to find him.’

  He glanced up, his eyes meeting mine. ‘Bridge To Nowhere,’ he said. ‘Nightclub on Fore Street. He owns the place.’

  I felt renewed surge of adrenaline race through my veins. ‘Thank you,’ I whispered.

  Duncan just smiled.

  ***

  It was too early for Bridge To Nowhere to be open, even though night was fast approaching. The four of us stood across the street, staring at the darkened façade. The other faery godmothers were on their way. It wouldn’t be long now.

  ‘Maybe we should wait,’ Delilah whispered. ‘Come up with a proper plan first.’

  ‘Don’t be such a coward,’ Alicia snapped. ‘That’s our Director they’ve got in there. Not to mention the Devil’s Advocate and the others. We storm the place and rip the guts from those trolls.’ Her jaw tightened. ‘There’s no other choice.’

  Damn. Alicia was braver than I’d realised. Especially considering I could see her hands shaking from here.

  ‘We need to have something in mind. What is the actual plan for now, Saffron?’ Billy asked. ‘What do we do?’

  I looked round the expectant faces. They seemed to think I had some sort of actual battle blueprint in mind. Perhaps they believed that I was used to storming the citadels of my enemies. I swallowed. If I could act confident and knowledgeable in the office then I could do it here. Without some sort of self-belief, then we were all already doomed to fail.

  Clearing my throat, I raised my chin. ‘We have no idea of the trolls’ numbers. We have no idea of what’s inside that place or even if our colleagues are still alive. We don’t know for sure if they are here at all.’ I saw everyone’s faces fall further. Way to boost morale, Saffron. ‘So,’ I said hastily, ‘we need to be clever. And careful. We don’t want to get spotted by anyone. Our goal is to be sneaky and to avoid detection. We can’t hope to beat the trolls in a fight without knowing more about them. We’re going to find our people and get out of here without spilling any blood.’ Or losing any body parts.

  ‘Okay. Yes.’ Delilah nodded. ‘That makes sense.’ She hesitated. ‘So do we go through the front door?’

  I shook my head. ‘Definitely not. There must be a back entrance. We’re not stupid enough to waltz in through the front door. Let’s head round the back and find another way in.’

  Five minutes later we were at the front again. There was no handy staff door round the rear of the club. There were a few windows but they were blackened out and sealed shut and didn’t seem like any sort of appealing entrance point.

  ‘So,’ I said cheerfully, ‘the front door it is then.’

  Alicia, Billy and Delilah stared at me. I shrugged. It was either that or go home and we all knew that wasn’t an option.

  ‘Maybe we should wait for everyone else,’ Delilah hedged again.

  ‘We’ll only be more likely to be detected. You three are welcome to stay out here and wait for the cavalry if you want, however.’

  ‘No.’ Billy was adamant. ‘I’m coming in with you.’

  Alicia tossed her head. ‘I’m not letting you bag all the heroic glory. Let’s do this.’ She smoothed her still shaking hands down her sides.

  Delilah sighed. ‘It’ll be good to see what’s really going on in there first hand.’ She was clearly trying to convince herself.

  ‘Last one in the door is a rotten faery,’ I whispered. ‘Come on.’

  We jogged across the road and up to the door. I led the way, like the ninja warrior I was pretending to be. Naturally, the heavy door itself was locked. Surprisingly, it was Billy who stepped forward. ‘I’ve got this,’ he said. When I shot
him a look, he just shrugged. ‘The amount of times you godmothers lose your keys has made me adept at lockpicking, whether doors are magically sealed or not.’

  I inclined my head in brief admiration and moved to the side. Billy lifted one finger. He didn’t have a wand. In his line of work as general office dogsbody, I supposed he didn’t need one. In any case, it didn’t matter. Although beads of sweat broke out on his forehead as he strained to break the door seal while remaining quiet, it was mere seconds before it sprang open. We each exchanged grim glances and then entered.

  Delilah carefully closed the door behind us, wedging it ajar a fraction with a ten pound note she extracted from her pocket and folded up just enough to prevent the lock from returning to its original position. To anyone looking in from the outside, it would appear as if the door were still firmly closed. I nodded approvingly and her cheeks glowed in the shadowy gloom. Maybe I was better at this management crap than I’d realised.

  ‘Let’s go left,’ I said decisively. I was on a roll now.

  ‘Don’t be ridiculous,’ Alicia snapped. ‘The toilets are to the left. If our people are here, they will be that way.’ She pointed to the right and the interior door marked Staff Only. Ah. Yes, that did make more sense.

  I gestured to her to go ahead and take the lead. She shook her head. Alicia was no fool. There was only faery around here who was stupid enough to take the lead as potential cannon fodder and I guessed that was me. With my heart in my mouth, I sucked in a breath. Then I tiptoed through the door.

  If I’d been expecting blood dripping from the walls and various body parts pinned to the noticeboard, I was sadly mistaken. The staff quarters we found ourselves in were no different to any others around the world. Curling healthy and safety posters which no-one ever read were tacked up to the right and the beige paint gave the long corridor in front of us a depressing air. If anyone ever wondered what hell was like, I knew deep down that it would definitely involve beige.

  I strode ahead, glancing in the different rooms leading off from the main corridor itself. There was a reasonably large staffroom with some chairs, dirty cups and old magazines. There were also several little offices apparently used by the nightclub’s own management team. There was no glowing neon sign marked dungeon, however.