Whammo Ranch

by Jerry Boyd

  “You may ask.”

  I pointed out Joanna. “Could you please take her testimony first? She has someplace else she needs to be.”

  “That is acceptable.”

  We all waited on the porch while Joanna was questioned. She came out, and said they wanted Nikki next. John gave her a shot, and she took off for the restaurant. Leelee’s Grandma spoke up. “You folks saved my life, twice, and I don’t even know your names. I’m Gennous Taurum.”

  I said, “Bob Wilson”

  John said, “John Branham”

  Lyla said, “Lilacrious Bongwater”

  I said, “My wife, Benikkious Slongum, is inside.”

  Gennous asked, “The lady who had to leave?”

  I said, “She is Joanna Jackson, but she’s going by Joanna Michaels, now, though. Would it be acceptable to call you Genny? Galactic names are a little tough for us primitive types.”

  “Genny would be fine, yes.”

  Nikki came stumbling out. I jumped up and caught her before she fell. “Light her up, John. She’s in a bad way.”

  John quickly drew the injection and administered it. “That should kick in a few minutes, Nikki. Try to get comfortable.”, John advised.

  The investigator who followed Nikki out asked, “What are you doing? What did you give her?”

  John squared up to him and said, “We were just fixing the headache all your equipment seems to cause. The only reason we didn’t prevent it in the first place, is because Nikki said you would get all high and mighty about us taking meds before answering your questions. All that was in the shot was a simple muscle relaxer.”

  “You can be next, for your attitude.”

  John turned to me and said, “5cc, Bob, 5cc”.

  I repeated, “5cc. Got it. 5cc.”

  “5cc, what code is this? Are you trying to beat the machine, you primitive idiots?”

  I replied, “John is our medic. I know enough to help, but I don’t know enough to decide dosages. He was telling me how big a shot to give him when he gets back. Nikki already told us there’s no way to beat your machine, and we don’t need to in the first place, since we’ve done nothing wrong.”

  “We’ll see about that!”

  I sat down and waited, figuring I was next. Genny asked, “These investigators don’t seem inclined to take your word for anything. Is there a reason for that?”

  “Their Major’s nephew managed to get himself in some trouble on this planet. They blame us.”

  “That’s Major Rottum? So you’re speaking of Bill, his sister’s boy?”

  “I don’t know how they’re related, but his name is Bill.”

  “Not one of the better representatives our civilization could have sent.”

  I saw Snitz through the screen door. He was trying to get to the front door, but he didn’t seem to want to come past where the scanner was running. Nikki was beginning to look alive again, so I asked, “Space Cadet, how are you feeling?”

  “Good enough not to stun you for asking, but it’s a near thing. Give me a few more minutes and I’ll be functional. You need something, Caveman?”

  “You have your scanner with you?”

  “Yes. Why?”

  “Snitz doesn’t like the truth machine.”

  “Oh. OH! I’ll look, Caveman, I’ll look.”

  She got it out, and took a reading. “Caveman strikes again! I wonder if the teaching machines are the same way?”

  “We’ll have to check when we can. Oop, here comes John.”

  I drew 5cc of medicine, checked for air, and unwrapped a wipe. John was unsteady, so I helped him sit, and proceeded to give him his shot. I put the cap back on the syringe, like John had taught me, and put everything in the used compartment on his bag. I stood and said, “I’m next, I assume?”

  “Get in there, smartass.”

  When we got in the house, I asked, “Could you turn off your machine for just a minute? My dog wants out.”

  “What does the machine have to do with that?”

  “Turn it off and see.”

  His partner wasn’t as convinced we were guilty of something, I suppose. She flipped the switch. Snitz ran for the door, and I let him out.

  “What does that prove? Just a trick you trained him to do, no doubt.”

  “Could be, or it’s possible your machine is putting out an awful racket in the ultrasonic range. I’d bet a quarter ounce that’s what causes the headache.”

  “Silly primitive! Come and get what you deserve.”

  The operator had a thoughtful look on her face, however. She said, “Sir, it’s possible he’s correct. The reports say that animal of his can tell when a saucer is coming.”

  “Those reports are all fiction concocted to keep the authors out of the brig. Operate the device and keep your opinions to yourself.”

  I sat down, and she placed the headset on me. It was different than either of the other headsets I had seen. It had more pickups than the one for acceptable contact, but fewer than the teaching machine. The questions went on for what seemed like a long time. We went over and over the same topics, with slightly different wording. Finally, Torky, (They had never told me their names, he seemed like a junior grade Torquemada), said, “I don’t believe it. Run a medical scan, they have some drug that allows them to lie to the machine.”

  She ran every scan she had. Twice. “He has a little caffeine in his system. Other than that, clean as can be.”

  The headache was fascinating. I hadn’t realized I could hurt that much and not die. Torky threw me off the chair. “Get out! Send in Mrs. Taurum, and make it quick!”

  I found standing was not in the cards at that point, so I crawled out the door, and moaned, “Genny, they want you.”

  John stuck me, and I must have passed out. The next thing I remember is Nikki standing up to them, quoting regulations about how they weren’t allowed to question Leelee without an adult present. I rolled over and said, “Even us primitives have more morals than to browbeat a little kid into making stuff up.”

  I knew Nikki and Lyla would be recording. I figured I had just bought a get out of jail free card, since Torky would kick the crap out of me. To my surprise, he didn’t. “All right, she can have one adult with her.”

  Leelee looked at me, and saw I was still in bad shape. Her next choice shocked everyone on the porch. “I want Lyla. She knows about asking questions.” I was afraid Torky would stroke out. He had obviously avoided questioning Lyla, because as a reporter, she was always recording, even when she didn’t look to be. To have her as Leelee’s advocate would ruin whatever scheme he was trying to run. I saw his face change, and said, “Nikki, catch Snitz. He’s about to call his ride.”

  “How do you know that, primitive!?”

  “It’s called poker. You shouldn’t play, you wouldn’t be very good.”

  John cleared his throat, trying to keep from being obvious as he held in a laugh.

  Torky hit a button on his watch, and stuck his head in the door. “Ensign, pack your gear! We are leaving immediately!”

  “Yes Sir!”

  As he turned around, their saucer reappeared. It couldn’t have been far away. Then the overpowering stench of guano hit us. I knew I shouldn’t, but my mouth outran my brain again. “Hid it in a cave, did you? That’s those ultrasonics you don’t believe in. Annoys the bats.”

  Torky stormed off, minion in tow. She turned and gave us an apologetic little smile, and then followed him aboard.

  As I looked around, I remembered Genny had gone after me. I asked, “How’s Genny?”

  “I’m fine, Bob. They didn’t question me very long. I also have prosthetic ears. They filter that noise you were talking about.”

  “That’s great! I’m glad they decided not to question Leelee.”

  Nikki said, “Me too. Feeding her cereal, Bob? They would run you in for child abuse.”

  “Probably. Nobody is going to want to cook after the day we’ve had. How about we pick up Max and see how Jul
ie and Joanna are doing?”

  The unorganized chorus was generally in assent, But Nikki looked at me and said,”Bob.” and then her lips kept moving.

  “Oh crap, you two don’t know English. Your badges will be noticeable, and we’ll draw attention.”

  “I thought you boys had painless training down to a science. Light me up, John.”, Genny said.

  Leelee said, “Yah, me too, light me up.”

  I asked Nikki, “Those saucers in the barn have trainers, don’t they?”

  She answered, “Sneaky Caveman good. I keep.”

  I noticed I had a message waiting on my comm. It was from Topper, a list of paint colors and quantities. He also listed a gun and tips, and said he had found a local store with them in stock. He also wanted masking tape in various widths and a roll of paper.

  I told John, “Sounds like Topper is ready to paint the Chevelle.”

  “Already? Those boys are good!”

  “Don’t know what I would do without my crew of illegal aliens.”

  John let that cook a second, and replied, “They don’t have paperwork, do they?”

  “Nope.”

  John and Nikki got Genny and Leelee going. Nikki stood next to the machine, running scans. I decided to go from the other side of the problem, and pulled up the schematics for the training machine. We found it almost together. Nikki came over to me and said, “Caveman, I found it.”

  I showed my search and said, “This piece right here?”.

  “Snagfart! You found it too!”

  “I need help with something else, though. Can you show me how to forward this text to my phone, so I don’t have to pull my comm out in the store?”

  “Sure. Just pull up this screen, hit local, and put in your number.”

  “Thanks. How long till they’re done?’

  “Another five minutes or so, why?”

  An enthusiastic kiss answered that. We were still at it when Leelee said, “Eww, kissy face!”

  “I guess she’s done.”, I said.

  “Snagfart”, Nikki whispered.

  I needed my truck to carry home Topper’s shopping list, but we wouldn’t all fit. Nikki called Max and asked him to open the barn, and she flew everyone over in one of the extra saucers. I went on to town, hoping to get my shopping done by the time they made it to the restaurant. Since topper knew exactly what he wanted, and had checked online to find who had it in stock, my shopping went quickly. They were still waiting on me when I got to Julie’s.

  Nikki said, “Come on, Caveman, we want to eat this week.”

  “Can’t we put it off till next? I’m still full from breakfast.”

  “Ha, ha”

  Lyla said to Leelee, “They’re funny, aren’t they?”

  “Looks aren’t everything.”

  That one stunned me. I did the only thing I could think of, and held out my hand for Leelee to give me five. She did, and smiled. “Lyla taught me that. Did I do it right?”

  “Perfect.”

  Julie greeted us at the door. Nikki, John and I all got hugs. “Joanna is a Godsend. You three saved the day again. We’re all going to pitch in and buy you capes.”

  Nikki, in a perfect Edna Mode voice, said, “No capes!”

  John tried to play it off as a cough. I bit my lip. Then Julie lost it, and we were all laughing hysterically. Nikki joined in. Lyla, Genny, and Leelee looked at Max. He said , “It’s probably a reference to an Earth movie, knowing them. They can explain it when they calm down.”

  Once we got sat down, Nikki said, “I think you could understand better if we watched the movie when we get back. It’s going to lose a lot if I try to explain it.”

  Julie and Joanna came out to our table. Joanna said, “We’ve been talking.”

  I interrupted, “Why do I have a sudden desire to find a phone booth?”

  She came back with, “It’s not that bad, Bob. We were just wondering if there was any way we could help the rest of the folks up at Shady Oaks. I‘m really grateful for what you’ve done for me, even if it was just to help Butterfingers, here. I’m sure Delilah is grateful, too. But there are more people in that joint that could be useful if they just had the opportunity. At any rate, they deserve better than being doped up all day.”

  I got serious, “We can’t bust them all out. Jack has already warned us people are getting suspicious.”

  “Surely there’s something you can do?”

  “They dope people because they don’t have enough good staff, right? That’s because they’re trying to turn a profit. I wonder how hard it would be to buy the place and set it up with a decent operating budget and better oversight?”

  “You would do that? For a bunch of old fogies?”

  “If you and Dee are any indication, I need those folks to help me out. It’s all self interest, Joanna. Just Bob looking out for Bob. I ain’t no hero.”

  “You believe whatever you need to believe, Bob Wilson. You’re still my hero.”

  Nikki purred, “Easy there. He’s taken.”

  Joanna replied, “Lucky you!”

  Max was trying to explain to our visitors from out of town, But he didn’t seem to be making much headway. Nikki said, “I’ll explain, but can it wait till we’re done eating? I’d rather not talk about it in public.”

  They agreed, but of course, Leelee had a hard time being patient. Julie brought her out some crayons and a coloring page. It seems applying colored wax to paper is not something that is done in Galactic civilization. Leelee was thrilled. We promised to pick her up some crayons and a coloring book on the way home.

  John asked if he could ride back with me, he didn’t seem interested in helping Leelee choose a coloring book.

  I think he just wanted to see how the boys were coming on the Chevelle. I know I did. We got to the shop, and I tried to run the door up. Nothing happened. I called Topper. “Yes, sir, what can I do for you?”

  “The door won’t run up, Topper.”

  “Yes. We disabled it to avoid dust in the painting area. Sorry, sir, should have informed you.”

  “No problem, Topper, that makes good sense. Glad to see you taking such precautions to make sure the paint comes out right. We’re outside with the stuff from your list. Can we come in?”

  “Certainly. Do you need one of us to carry things in?”

  “John is with me, we can manage.”

  We took Topper his supplies. What we saw when we got inside was nothing short of amazing. The boys had done a beautiful job so far. We ogled it for a minute or two, and then Taz asked, “Did we make a mistake, sir? We studied everything we could find. Is it not good enough?”

  John said, “Taz, it is beautiful, we are just admiring the quality of your work. Human workmen would have taken months to do this well.”

  He got a spin and pant as a reply. John held out his hand, and Taz gave him five. Six actually, since the bots had thumbs on both sides of their hands.

  I said, “We’ll get out of your way now. I’ll give you some warning when we need to get this saucer out of here.”

  Ozzie said, “Thank you, sir.”

  John and I went to his place, and I dropped him off. I advised him, “You might hold off on ordering any more Motrin. Nikki and I have an idea cooking that might get rid of the need.”

  “What? You’ve actually fixed the machine so it doesn’t cause headaches? That’s going to be huge!”

  “I said cooking, not ready to rock. We’ve got a good lead, but we still have to run some tests.”

  “Still, that’s a biggie. Maybe we can get some respect from the Galactics if we fix that for them.”

  “The Patrol doesn’t even believe their equipment puts out ultrasound. They’re going to ignore whatever we say.”

  “Get Dingus to tell the Guide. He knows we know what we’re talking about.”

  “Good idea. I’ll do that if it works.”

  I got back before Nikki, so I pulled out my comm and looked through the inventory of the tools we had bro
ught back. I found a gadget that would fix the issue Nikki and I had found. Since Topper had organized the barn, it was easy to find the tool I was looking for. I went to the saucer Nikki and I were sleeping in, and fixed the teaching machine. As I was walking back to the house, John pulled up and dropped off the ladies. He waved and drove off. Snitz ran to greet me. I bent down to pet him, and rose to find Nikki standing in front of me. I did what came naturally, and a shout of, “Eww, kissy face!”, was heard.

  I said, “She’s cute, but that’s unhandy.”

  Nikki said, “Nobody ever said it wasn’t gonna be semi-tough.”

  I didn’t move any air for a little bit. When I got done laughing, I had to wipe my eyes. “You got me good, Space Cadet. I wasn’t expecting that.”

  “You have met my dog Payback?’

  “When’s she gonna have those puppies? If you start ‘Incredibles”, I’ll make popcorn.”

  “Deal, Caveman. What were you doing in the barn?’

  “The Watusi? I was trying that fix we figured out for the training machine.”

  “Did you test it?”

  “I didn’t want to be by myself, in case it didn’t fix the headache.”

  “Good plan. You feeling okay, Caveman?”

  “You’re running short on tickles, you say?”

  “Behave. We have company.”

  They got started on their movie, and I sat down to see what the internet could tell me about buying a nursing home. It didn’t take long to figure out I needed to call our lawyer in the morning. Snitz came and rubbed my leg, and I took that to mean that the outdoors needed inspecting. Always vigilant, our Snitz. My comm beeped, so I answered. “Bob Wilson, what can I do for you this evening, Mike?”

  “Bob, I have someone here who would like to talk to you. Is that okay?”

  “Depends who it is, I suppose.”

  “Ensign Whittum, she was at your place this morning.”

  “She seemed like a decent sort, put her on.”

  “Mr. Wilson?’

  “Yes, Ensign?”

  “I wanted to apologize for what happened today. The Captain was out of line.”

  “Not you fault. He was in command. Why does he dislike us so?”

  “Major Rottum sent him with instructions to find evidence of wrongdoing on your part. He was quite frustrated you were all ‘straight arrows’, I believe you say.”