Wildflowers and Lace

by Caitlin Ricci

  As we sat in the movie theater though, watching a horror movie that was surprisingly also pretty funny, she took my hand. It wasn’t a scary part. It wasn’t as if she’d jumped and had grabbed my hand on accident. This was the deliberate taking of my hand.

  I didn’t pull away. I didn’t mind. And part of me liked holding her hand. She was a friend. But holding my hand combined with kissing my cheek made me question whether she thought this was a date.

  I’d never been on a date with a woman before, if this even was a date. I wasn’t very good at dating. I was good at sex, which was where most of my first dates ended up, but I wasn’t good at the actual dating part. It was a miracle really that Gavin and I had stayed together as long as we had. Most of that had probably been because of Kyle.

  I leaned over to her and whispered, “Is this a date?”

  Her blush was obvious, even in the near darkness of the theater. She gave me a little nod, then a shrug, as if maybe she didn’t know the answer either.

  Still, I didn’t let go of her hand. I did think about dating women, though. She was about my same size. We could share clothes. We could... I shook my head. This wasn’t like having a close female friend, and if Lyssa was attracted to me and wanted to date me then I couldn’t treat her just like a friend. That wasn’t fair to her. But I didn’t know how to date a woman.

  I was quiet, because I’d been thinking, but as we went to dinner after the movie, maybe she thought I was mad at her because she said, “I’m sorry that I took your hand.”

  I didn’t want her to feel bad. And it hadn’t been wrong at all. “Don’t be. I’m just working out my feelings right this second. I’ve always thought that I was straight, but maybe that isn’t entirely accurate. Maybe on the spectrum of sexuality I only think I’m straight because I’ve never really thought about the possibility of being bi before.”

  Lyssa looked slightly encouraged by that. “Have you ever been attracted to a woman before?”

  I had to really think back about that because in general, no, I hadn’t. But there might have been a few women over the years that had caught my attention more than just a passing glance of “oh she’s pretty” or “oh I like her shoes.” “Maybe a few.” I shrugged. I wasn’t really sure about any of this. And I didn’t want to hurt her. She wasn’t someone to explore my sexuality with. If she wanted to be dating a woman, she should be with someone who knew that they wanted to be dating her too. “You deserve better than someone who only might be bi. You deserve someone who is most definitely into you.”

  Lyssa gave me a little smile. “Thanks but...dating is really hard for me. It’s always been this awkward mess. Before, I knew who I was but I didn’t look like I wanted to, and I went on dates with women who didn’t know who I was either until I told them, and they all rejected me.”

  I wanted to cut in and reassure her, but she just shrugged and kept talking. “Now that I’m me outwardly as well, I still want to go on dates but I’m finding that most women don’t want someone like me. Most lesbians reject me outright. Most bi women do, too. I’ve never really dated someone as me. Not someone who knew me as me and didn’t try to make me someone else. I don’t know if I’ll ever be what some women want to date. I may get something done up top someday, and I may never change below. I don’t want someone to be interested in me based on what I may someday do to myself, to better become what they consider to be what a woman looks like.” She leaned toward me and caught my gaze. “So even if you’re not sure, even if you might only be a little attracted to me, I’d still like to have that chance with you, if you’re interested.”

  All of the reasons why I should have told her to wait for someone to come along who truly could appreciate everything about her went away, and I simply nodded. I could be someone for her in the meantime. We didn’t have to be more complicated than that. She wanted to go on dates and I wanted to see if maybe I was bi. Maybe it wouldn’t be such a bad thing for both of us to be together.

  She offered me her hand on top of the table and I took it.

  Chapter Seven

  Lyssa

  Deciding to date someone and actually knowing how to begin that were two entirely different things. Still, I followed Cindy into her house, and when she offered me a soda I took it. We sat on the couch together, both drinking, both apparently mindlessly watching TV. I didn’t know what to say to her. She kept looking over at me like she didn’t know either.

  “Most of the dates I’ve been on didn’t go anywhere other than the bedroom,” she confessed. She didn’t look ashamed of it at all, which I appreciated. “I’m not good at dating.”

  “You were married though,” I pointed out.

  Cindy smirked and sipped her soda. “We have a kid together. We tried to make it work for him, but as much as we love him, we couldn’t really be around each other. Counseling was the only thing that got us back to being friends, and that’s what we needed to be. Now I love him and he’s my best friend, but I’m glad we’re not together anymore.”

  I put my drink down and turned to her. She looked at me as well. When I leaned forward and gently kissed her neck I heard her let out a little sigh. She moved her hand to my thigh and I kissed her lips. I was gentle, trying not to rush this at all. Her mouth was soft and she was warm under me as she lay back on the couch. Her skirt rode up as I knelt between her thighs. I hadn’t stopped kissing her, but even through my layers of clothes I could feel her warmth pressing lightly against the front of my dress.

  I touched her sides, and then I cupped her breasts. I squeezed her through her sweater. She had full, soft breasts and she squirmed as I ran my thumbs over her nipples.

  “Lyssa...” she breathed.

  I pulled back. “It’s too much. I understand.”

  But Cindy shook her head. “It’s really not. I don’t get it, but I’m good with this. Are you okay though?”

  I had a beautiful woman under me, one who was into me too. I was very okay. “Yes. I am.” I leaned forward and rubbed against her a little and she smiled at me. But that wasn’t really my body. And I didn’t know which me she really wanted. “When we’re kissing right now, do you want me to keep it away, or do you want to feel it?” It was getting uncomfortable since I was starting to get hard. I needed to do something with it, or stop altogether.

  “What do you prefer?”

  “It’s starting to hurt tucked away right now,” I quietly admitted. This was a frank discussion, one we needed to have if we were going to be dating, but it was still starting to kill the mood for me anyway.

  “Then don’t hurt yourself.”

  She said it as if it was the simplest thing. I wished that it was. “Where’s the bathroom?”

  “Can you do it here?”

  I could, though I’d never tucked or untucked in front of someone before. My cheeks were hot as I gave her a shaky nod and stepped back to give myself some room. I pulled off my layers slowly and then I was there, and out, and I didn’t know where to go from there.

  But Cindy took my hand and brought me back down onto the couch with her. We kissed with her below me, but now I was hard and rubbing against her even though I tried not to be. She had her skirt and underwear between us. I just had my dress. And I was starting to wish that neither of us had on anything.

  I jumped when she slipped her hand between us and touched my tip. I didn’t pull back though.

  “What do you call it?” she asked me.

  I loved her instantly for not calling it what she probably thought of it as. “My clit. Or just the thing between my legs.” It was awful. I hated it. But I didn’t know if I’d ever get rid of it either.

  “Can I suck your clit?”

  I froze at her simple question. I’d been given head before, but no one had ever wanted to go down on me as myself. No one had ever asked me like that either. I nodded and sat back on the couch. She got up on her knees. Her hair was a mess and so was her sweater but she didn’t try to fix either as
she knelt between my thighs.

  Cindy didn’t hesitate at all. She put one hand around me and put her mouth over my tip and then it was all warmth and the soft sounds of her sucking me as I stared down at the top of her head. I lay back, trying to relax, but I didn’t stop looking at her. I couldn’t. I touched her shoulders and her back. I was careful not to touch her head though. I’d always hated that, and I didn’t want to push it with her either.

  “I’m close,” I hissed.

  She took me deeper, and it didn’t take me long to come after that. I was still trembling, and feeling overwhelmingly good about life in general, when her phone started ringing.

  She got up, wiping her lips, as she went to dig her phone out of her purse. “Sorry. It’s my kid’s ringtone.”

  I nodded. I got it. I fixed my clothing and, as soon as I was soft enough, I put myself away. She was still talking to him when I was all dressed again.

  “I need to go pick him up from his friend’s house,” she said as she hung up and put her phone away. “He was supposed to get a ride back from the kid’s dad but the dad had to go to work and the only person left in the house with a license is the older sister, and I’m not letting my kid drive with that girl. I’ve seen her drive. My kid is not ever getting in a car with her driving.”

  “Can we get together soon?” I asked her. I was hopeful, and tried not to show how happy seeing her again would make me.

  Cindy came over and kissed my cheek. She came in for a kiss on my lips, then seemed to think better of it as she turned away. “Give me two seconds!”

  She rushed off before I could tell her it was okay, that it didn’t matter to me. But then she was back, her breath smelling of mint as she kissed me.

  “I want to see you soon,” she said.

  We left it at that, which I was okay with, as we both left.

  Chapter Eight

  Cindy

  The next time we got together, Lyssa invited me over to her apartment. Or, rather, the one she shared with her friend Dion. I got a hug and a kiss as soon as she opened the door for me.

  Lyssa was in a dress again. I wondered if it was her normal choice for when she was going out or if she always wore them, even when she was at home doing nothing. I was also in a dress, but my choice had been all about this date. I didn’t normally dress up if I didn’t need to.

  “How are you?” she asked me as we sat down together on her couch.

  I was good, but I didn’t want to do small talk with her. “I’m good. Are we alone right now?”

  Her cheeks turned bright red and she smiled at me. “We are.”

  “For how long?” We hadn’t planned for this date so unless she’d made reservations somewhere, we were in for the evening. I’d gotten off work at four and Kyle was with Gavin for the night so I was fine to stay late if she wanted me to.

  “Dion is working a double so he won’t be back until morning.”

  “Sucks for him,” I said. Not so much for us though. I leaned over and kissed her. Her hands were on me in an instant. We weren’t gentle or hesitant with each other and I was glad that any awkwardness seemed to be gone between us. I slid onto her lap, facing her with my thighs on either side of her narrow hips. I expected to feel her clit against me, but she must have pushed it away again. “What are you comfortable with?” I knew what I wanted, but I didn’t want to rush her into anything she didn’t want too.

  She hesitated, and I stopped kissing her neck. I sat there on her lap, waiting for her to make the call. I wanted her, but if she just wanted to kiss and watch TV or something that was fine for me too.

  “Would you be okay with sex?”

  I was always okay having sex. But that didn’t really define anything. “Yeah. But that’s a pretty broad question. So...your clit in me kind of sex or me going down on you kind of sex?”

  She licked her lips. “I want to be inside you.”

  I smiled down at her and kissed her lips. My next step was to get a condom out of my bag. I’d been hopeful that we’d get to this step sooner rather than later. Sex was easy and uncomplicated for me. But by the way she was hesitating to get herself out, I figured it wasn’t such an easy thing for her. I knelt there on the couch next to her, the unopened condom in my hands, while she looked down at herself. “What’s wrong?”

  “Are you bi?”

  I hadn’t given it much thought since the last time we’d talked about my sexuality. “For me it’s not this huge epiphany of ‘oh my gosh I think I might be bi.’ It’s more like I’m attracted to you. You’re a woman, I’m a woman. I know I’m not a lesbian, but yes, bi is probably a good label for me. What’s wrong though?”

  She shrugged. “I guess I just didn’t want us to be about sex. I didn’t want to be a fetish.”

  I hated that she thought that I would treat her like that, but I didn’t really know how to date people without just having sex with them. The only dates that I’d been on that didn’t involve sex had been ones that had ended badly, and Lyssa and I hadn’t had any of those. “Want to watch a movie? No sex?” I offered. I still wanted her. I’d specifically not worn underwear because I wanted her. But if she wanted to step back and not have sex today, that was okay.

  Only she looked irritated with that idea too. She looked so irritated in fact that I ended up laughing. “What’s wrong with that suggestion?”

  “I do want you. I absolutely do. I’m sitting here so uncomfortable because I just want to have you and I’m mad at myself for even stopping us to begin with. I’m this huge mess of conflicting emotions and I don’t know what to say to make anything better.”

  I leaned forward and kissed her cheek. “You’re not a fetish to me,” I assured her. “I like sex. I’ve always liked sex. My rule in high school was that if I was going to have sex with a guy it would happen within the first week, if it was going to happen at all. I was known as being easy and a slut, and I was okay with that because it was my body and my choices. But I didn’t ever really learn how to have a relationship. So, if you say that you want to slow down and not have sex tonight, we can watch a movie here or we can go to dinner if you want. I’m not ever going to be a good cook but I can definitely take you to some nice restaurants. My favorite place near here is Cajun. I love their deep-fried crawfish.”

  She took my hand and I cuddled up closer to her. “Thank you for that reassurance,” she quietly said.

  “You’re welcome.”

  “I told Dion about you. I think it would be fun to get breakfast with him sometime. He works nights so breakfast is easiest for him. I know we just met, and this is still very new, but I’d like to go out with you.”

  I nodded. I’d like to go out with her too. But her telling her friend got me thinking about how I hadn’t told anyone close to me. I was sure Gavin wouldn’t care. If Lyssa was going to be a big part of my life though, my parents would have to know about her, and they weren’t exactly the most open-minded people ever. They usually weren’t mean about things, but they hadn’t been okay with Gavin dating a man shortly after our divorce either. I had no idea how they would take me dating a trans woman. “I like breakfast. I like pancakes.”

  Lyssa turned and kissed me, and when she opened her mouth and welcomed me inside, I slid over her lap again. She put her hands on my hips and I settled myself over her lap. I was content to simply kiss her for now. Our kisses were soft and she was gentle with me.

  She shifted under me like she was uncomfortable though, and I thought about her being tucked and how much that must hurt.

  “There’s got to be a more comfortable way to put your clit away,” I said as I leaned back.

  She winced. “There probably is, but I’ve never found it. There’s a way to put it in front, which is fine and all until I’m hard, and then it’s the same problem all over again.”

  I got what she was saying. “What if you didn’t tuck with me? I don’t mind. Or maybe just not tuck when we’re here, but tuck when we go out if you
want to.” I just wanted her to be comfortable.

  She bit her lip. “Could we watch a movie with me being controlled in front instead of tucking?”

  Whatever worked for her was fine with me. “Sure.”

  I slid off her lap and she got up long enough to arrange her clothes before sitting down with me again. She picked the movie and we curled up on the couch together. It wasn’t necessarily the night I’d had planned for us, but I definitely enjoyed all the same.

  Chapter Nine

  Lyssa

  I loved how open and free my days were. I could spend six hours straight updating a website, or I could spend that time watching movies and baking cookies. If I ever baked cookies, which I didn’t. Really as long as things got done I was free to get them there however I wanted to. My schedule was my own choice and that was freeing.

  It also meant that I had a lot of time to think about Cindy. I definitely cared about her. She made me comfortable. I didn’t have to explain anything to her or worry about what she’d think. I didn’t have to act as feminine as possible around her, and I didn’t worry about saying anything that might have been considered a slip up. I was just me and she was herself and we watched movies together and cuddled.

  There was also the attraction, though. I wanted her all the time that we were together. I wanted to kiss her skin. I wanted to go back to that moment when she was in my arms and I could touch her however I wanted to. I’d started positioning myself in front so that I wasn’t so uncomfortable all the time. A sock on either side and I was fairly certain that what was between my legs looked normal to anyone who happened to give me a quick glance.

  I had been staring at the same screen and wondering what my customer meant by “more blue” on an already overly saturated landing page when I decided to text Cindy and see how her day was going. Hey. I bit my lip as I thought of something sweet and romantic to say. I miss you. It wasn’t great by any means, but it wasn’t absolutely awful either, and I didn’t have a whole lot of practice with dating.