The Land of Trademark Online

by Nikolai Chekhov

  [Companion Details

  Name: Earle

  Race: Squirrel

  Class: Outcast

  Profession: Dungeon Expert

  History: Be warned, this companion was Outcast, stripping him of a class, which means it will take a lot of effort on your part to level him up. Outcasts, Banished, Exiled, Excommunicated, and a few other classes cannot be changed until they hit level twenty. These defunct classes have rare and legendary skills, but require friends and dungeon runs to acquire them.

  Effect: This companion has gained favor with Lit Dungeo, God of Dungeons who is the son of the God of Portals. As a result, he has an uncanny knowledge of dungeons and their workings.

  Effect: You gain 30% Luck while in dungeons.

  Effect: While in dungeons, you may call on Lit Dungeo’s aid once a day.

  Note: These effects are only in play if this is your companion.]

  “Well you’ve been busy,” I muttered while I reread all the details and somehow knew that despite all of it this squirrel would always climb to the top. Annoying as the bastard was, I could respect Earle’s drive.

  “Sooo…?”

  “I will on one condition, you swear on your patron you will not dissolve the bond without my permission first. That you will never betray me—or my friends, and I’m your boss. If I tell you to do something, you do it.”

  Earle stared at me, his little whiskers twitching.

  “Ye, muddafucha, a’right,” He finally said and then swore to Lit Dungeo, and I saw a message confirming his bond and oath, so I took him back as a companion. Within seconds, my dungeon awareness expanded. That was neat.

  [You gained Earle as a companion animal, again. Some people never learn, right? And yes, you are a retarded monkey.]

  [Negotiation +5]

  Shit tits. Butter was right; I am a damned [Drama] magnet. I’d have to have a talk with NPC about those messages, and what was with all the people around me being assholes?

  [Enduring Breath +1. Try breathing.]

  Through gritted teeth, I released my breath, waiting for the next comment… Nothing? My focus shifted back to Earle. “Now, tell me this secret?”

  “Boss ye might wanna wait until we finish first.”

  “Tell me.”

  “Butter’s clan is waitin’ fer ye outside da basin. Big D—or umm God of Dungeons—yer a peasant sose ye better call him by ‘is full name. Anyway, he took me to the entrance. I’mma watching dem muddafuchas, and a cupple o’ der names stand out. Noodle, Apple, Meatloaf—ye follow’n so far? Dey all be named affer food, heh-he-heh.” Earle chortled and chittered, barely able to talk from laughter.

  “I don’t get it. What is so funny?”

  “Dey eat people, ye dum muddafucha. Cannibals name demselves affer food, like…?

  “Butter… Shit tits, he’s a cannibal? When—or how? Damn, I don’t even know what to say to that.”

  Earle was snorting with laughter. “Yeayea, at least boss ain’t borin’.”

  “Are you saying Butter’s cannibal friends are waiting to ambush us?”

  “Yea, ye dumb ass.”

  A slow clap sounded behind us, and I turned to find Butter standing there with a big grin on his face. There was blood on his clothes and his shirt torn, but he looked fine otherwise.

  “Your squirrel just delayed the inevitable. You can’t use teleport spells in here because they only work across the same plane of existence.” Butter bowed before me. “You must leave at some point, and we’ll feed on you then.”

  “Where is Amard?”

  “Superb, you understand your predicament. If she dies, my people get her, so decide… Kill me, or go down the tunnel and save your pseudo-girlfriend before the kobolds arrive.”

  “Yeayea, boss. Juss kill dat muddafucha.”

  “Go,” I told the thief and ran towards him since he was at the entry to the tunnel. His smug face went slack for a second, and he did not have enough time to avoid the slap I laid across his face. I reveled in seeing his shocked before he stumbled out of my way.

  [Bitch Slap +5. Make it +10, that was pretty epic, monkey.]

  “This isn’t over, Butter,” I called over my shoulder and kept running towards Amard. I smiled NPC’s commentary, but did he really have the power to give me skill ups—oh, that son of a bitch. All those screwed up skills—just how long has he been messing with me?

  “You’ll pay for that. And you are right; I will know what a four-armed mutant tastes like before the end of the day.” The thief retorted, and I could hear his laughter echoing down the tunnel. I didn’t bother with a reply, but I saw Earle turn and flick Butter off.

  “What the hell is up with everyone betraying me?”

  Earle had no comment for that either, and when I looked at him, he just shrugged his furry little shoulders. About thirty meters up the tunnel and around a bend we found Amard tied up with the magical ropes from the goblins. Earle kept guard while I untied her.

  Her lithe form shot forward and hugged me. Not before I saw the fear in her eyes.

  “Why’d he do it?” A harsh whisper escaped her mouth, and her warm breath brushed against my neck sending shivers up my spine.

  [You are 15% Seduced by Amard. If you reach 100%, she will get a notification informing her of her prize. Once seduced by her, you will be pliable to her suggestions. You know you want it, monkey.]

  “Earle says he is a cannibal, and the thief had an ambush planned.” I lifted Amard to her feet, and she looked me in the eyes until I broke contact. My heart raced, and I knew NPC was watching, waiting for when Amard found out she had seduced me.

  “Dammit. Should have remembered the food names.”

  “Are you going to betray me too?” I asked, firming up my confidence and staring back into her unflinching eyes.

  She patted me on the face and smiled, never breaking eye contact. “No, but you might wish you could have got rid of me that easy.” Her laughter was soft and seductive.

  Shit tits. My circle of misfits kept growing.

  [You are 30% Seduced by Amard.]

  “Heh, boss. Ye are so screwed,” Earle whispered into my ear.

  “Shut it, rodent. I’m not done being angry with you yet.”

  Chapter 41

  Location: Reptile’s Revenge

  The kobold’s skull shattered under my fist, dispatching the last of the pack. Kobolds were a strange combination of dragon and dog—or maybe a hyena. They weren’t very big or bright, but they all roamed in packs, and their yipping in the dark sounded like children laughing.

  Amard hadn’t said a word, and I know she tried to distract me when she touched my face before, but I wasn’t fooled. Butter’s attack on her did more damage to her state of mind than her physical body. I stared at her while she went through the dead kobolds and yanked her arrows out of eye sockets.

  She killed these creatures without hesitation or remorse, like a robot. I could still see the magenta trails from whatever she imbued them with. Even the kobolds I killed, she double-tapped them by putting an arrow in one of their eyes. I wondered for the twentieth time in the last hour what advanced class she gained.

  “Yeayea, boss,” Earle whispered in to my ear. “I’mma sure ye ain’t got reason ta truss me, ‘n I get it. But just put yer hand on ‘er shoulder. Ye ain’t gotta say nuttin, juss do dat.”

  I glanced at the squirrel who just nodded at me.

  “Truss me, if’n I know anything; it’s how’ta treat a lady.” And for once I believed he was being sincere, and I didn’t know what to say anyway.

  The moment my hand touched her shoulder, her entire body tensed until she saw me. We locked eyes, and I nodded towards her, a gesture she returned before she wrapped her arms around me and hugged tightly. Her body shivered.

  “Thank you,” she said before running off to retrieve the rest of her arrows.

  “Ye gorna juss stand der staring at her, boss?”

  I never knew what Earle’s ultimate motivation was, but that sto
pped bothering me a while back. The gods bound the oath he made, so I was confident he wouldn’t betray me again.

  “She scares me,” I whispered. “Normal people have some hesitation, but she doesn’t. She has no wasted steps and transitions from one thing to the next. I’m not talking about killing things, either—look at her move.”

  “Yeayea, I’mma watching ‘er moves, and she’d make a good mate. If ye ain’t gorna hit dat, I’mma do it.”

  “I can hear you. Don’t think because my power is [Drama] that I can’t cook you from the inside out, you ill-mannered squirrel.”

  The squirrel shivered on my shoulder, and I chuckled at his discomfort.

  “For such a small thing,” I whispered to Earle. “You got a big mouth.”

  We finished looting and found nothing of importance on their corpses—not even any [Loot Spheres] which was getting discouraging. I wanted some damn loot.

  [Loot: 13 Kobold Ears, 434 Tokens of Acclimation, Leather Boots (Trash), Leather Belt (For Small Races), 31 Gold]

  “Deuce, there’s a chest over here,” Amard called from a side cavern I did not even notice. The entrance was narrow, and I had to turn sideways to squeeze in. On the other side, it opened into a series of larger caverns or rooms. It looked like we located their living quarters because I recognized a crude kitchen with rancid meat I’d rather not describe—a communal area, and then a dormitory or nesting area. Their beds looked like makeshift pads of discarded fur, at least I hoped that’s what it was.

  It was not a pleasant place, but the kobolds were barely humanoid, so I didn’t expect luxury accommodations. Amard was in a room past the sleeping area, so I shuffled through the beds trying not to step on any hidden surprises. Never knew what kind of kinky shit kobolds were into.

  The squirrel’s class only gave him basic attacks, so he was not much in a fight, but that [Profession] of his turned out to be very useful. He could perform the basic mechanics of a thief while in a dungeon which included finding and disabling traps, finding treasures, or sniffing out secrets.

  “Earle, go check out that chest

  Earle snickered, “She gorna have to remove—”

  “Finish that sentence, and I’ll remove your furry nuts. We’ll call you Shirley.”

  The squirrel, to my surprise, shut his mouth. All business he moved around the chest checking it over. “Not trapped,” He said and flipped up the lid. Inside was a mask.

  [Item Name: Mask of the Kobold

  Item Type: Magical - Uncommon

  Durability: Extremely Durable

  Armor: 2

  Effect: While wearing the mask you will appear to be a kobold. This cannot be dispelled or pierced, but kobolds are an evil race and most cities will kill you on sight. Not recommended for use inside of a town.

  Effect: Kobold Speak - You will understand kobold language and be able to speak it.

  OTM: We both know you want to add a Kobold to your sexual conquests, now you can. Good luck monkey and don’t forget protection. You know—like a big sword...]

  “That’s not a bad item, but you keep it.” Amard handed it to me, and I wondered if she could see the same OTM message that I did.

  “You sure? That seems useful, and I got the last mask.”

  “I’m sure. Illusion masks are easy to come by, but I admit that’s the first I’ve seen with the language aspect. If nothing else, I’m sure it’ll sell well, and we can split the gold.”

  “Tell you what, I’ll hold on to it, and if you ever need it, just let me know.”

  “Ok, let’s go kill stuff.” She was grinning as she led us back out to the main tunnel. It wasn’t that this place was overly complicated, the tunnel had a few switchbacks as it went deeper into the ground, but every so often a side cave like this one appeared and we’d clear it out. Makeshift blockades or random patrols were the most dangerous encounters, but once more Earle proved invaluable in sniffing those out. Between Amard and me, nothing posed a challenge.

  The most exciting thing was watching how quickly Amard adapted skills to her Ku. The [Drama] energy had a magenta hue, almost pink but not quite, which made the glow from her druid skills seem more sinister than they were. I kept thinking of her as a druid, but now I was leaning towards a type of [Sorceress].

  We turned the corner expecting another switchback, but it opened onto a large cave with a massive doorway. Something shaped the surrounding stone into a snake with fangs hanging down into the door. It reminded me a lot of [Goro’s Lair], only his relief was at the end of his throne room, not at the beginning.

  “Yeayea, boss. Ye shur ‘bout dis. Reptile gorna use acid an’ poison. Dis muddafucha don’t mess ‘round, and if’n he’s losin’ he gorna—”

  “Alright, both of you take some of these.” I handed out the [Cherry Blossom Leaves]. “Let’s do this.”

  Chapter 42

  Location: Reptile’s Revenge (Boss Room)

  The archway opened onto a massive balcony, or maybe just a flat bluff, either way, it ended and dropped off into blackness. Tiles, carefully cut, fitted and designed covered the floor. I could not see the mosaic while standing upon it, but from the greens, I assumed it was arranged in the image of Sissra.

  In the center of the space, a man sat with his back to us, resting in the lotus position. Scales covered the back of his neck, but he wore a black ninja outfit with green accents, which hid the rest of his flesh from sight. Upon his knees, his hands rested with their palms up. All of us could see the sharpened nails at the end of his reptilian fingers glowing with a greenish hue.

  Its head turned nearly all the way around to assess us, and its eyes snapped open, revealing cold serpentine shaped eyes. There was no contempt, hate, or any emotion at all in those eyes. Its slit pupils moved as it assessed Amard but then shifted back to me.

  [Fight!]

  The simple word lit up in front of my face, and the lizard warrior’s body flowed sinuously as it rose to its feet, his head remaining still while his body readjusted. I rushed forward but slowed as his sharp claws swiped at me, trailing a green cloud behind it. Rolling to the side, I hoped none of that noxious mist landed on me.

  Not daring to stop moving, I kept dodging. The inferno inside me had surged with the ‘fight’ broadcast and wrestling under control while fighting Reptile put me at a disadvantage.

  One [Fire Shard Shuriken] after another appeared in my hand and flew towards Reptile. It caught the first one and stared at it before its flames released and splashed over him. It did not do much damage, but it distracted him enough for Amard to put two arrows into him.

  He ripped the arrow out of his chest and sniffed it before his eyes shifted back towards her. Reptile pulled the mask from his face revealing patchy dark skin under it. His cheeks riddled with acid-burned holes exposing his pearly white teeth. Acid spewed from his mouth in a jet of green liquid, some splashing from the holes in his cheek. Earle had left my side at one point because he was on Amard’s shoulder and they were both in the line of fire.

  Amard’s eyes glowed that magenta color and cast the new version of her [Bark Skin], which had transformed. Instead of her skin turning wooden, a shimmering bubble formed around her, and when the acid hit it, it was like the potency of the liquid was drained away. Amard was still hit with a face full of something akin to slime, but she appeared unharmed.

  “Aww gawddammit, ye stupid muddafucha—blegh, it stinks, so bad,” Earle gagged, and for some reason, it brought a smile to my face. “I’mma never gettin’ dat smell outta my fur.” Earle screeched and flew at Reptile, striking at him with his little knives.

  I’d have ignored the little bastard, but the boss took the attacks seriously and backed away. It was impossible to know if Earle planned his attack or if it was a pure accident, and I doubt he’d admit the truth. Either way, it put Reptile’s back within my reach, and I attacked him from behind like a prisoner claiming his bitch.

  Rib cage under the arm, left kidney, right kidney, and left ass cheek—all my punc
hes landed, driving Reptile out of reach. [Fire Breath] roared out of me, dousing the boss in fire. I’d not used it since the upgrade, and the first thing I noticed was how much smoother and hotter it was. It was the range of the ability that surprised me, because I could launch [Fire Breath] in bursts, like a fireball.

  Wreathed in fire, the reptilian man did not scream out once. Conserving my inner flame, I cut off the stream. To all our amazement the boss was alive and rolling around on the ground trying to put out the fires but with a little luck. Reptile tensed, and I knew he realized at that moment he was dealing with dragon flame, so it could not be extinguished with normal means.

  Reptile dove over the edge of the bluff and a gong rang out.

  “What in blazing hells was that?” I asked.

  “Go,” Amard said, pointing at the kobolds entering from behind us. “Me and Earle can take care of these guys, and we’ll join you shortly.” The not-druid cast a spell and magenta energy flooded out of her in a cone towards the entrance, and kobolds were slapping each other, kissing others, and talking in the god awful language. The simple creatures were turning on each other, and I saw the real power of [Drama].

  Nothing more to be said, I knew she could handle them, so I peered over the ledge looking for the way down. Far below was a platform surrounded by a river of green poison or acid; it had the same density and texture as what Reptile spewed from his mouth. These must be the rivers of poison mentioned in the description, and where our friendly antagonist was betrayed. On the other side of the chamber, the wall had a metal half sphere protruding from it. My eyes roamed past it and then snapped back, because the casing on semi-sphere opened, revealing a reptilian eye. The iris flicked left and right, observing the room before the eye closed once more. Not creepy at all.

  From this height, I’d survive jumping down, but I’d be in a lot of pain. The fight was still on so that was not the best option. Instead, I found a few sections of jutting rock and jumped onto those, before landing on the platform with a Brangg!