The Land of Trademark Online
Page 37
“Yeayea, nunya buzinids. Its aw’right, I saved a vid of anudder man gettin’ all up in yer bidness, wit’ yer fiance and yer mum. Dat’s nunya bidness needer, right? I mean half o’ da town widnessed it. Yer good at keeping peeples oudda yer bidness. I’mma guessin’ we all know why she messin’ aroun’ eh?”
[City Drama levels increased to 75% (10% until Civil Unrest)]
A ray of dark energy flowed out of the Father’s palm and struck where Earle had been a few moments before. However, before it hit, Blaze Bot 8 stepped in its path and redirected the beam back towards the cultist gnoks.
At first, no one paid it any mind. A dead gnok was common enough. No one liked the cultists, and they never showed mercy. Anyone bad mouthed the Father received their wrath, it was their formation that started the oppression. In their eyes, the Father could do no wrong.
It was in this way that only a few people saw the gnok go down, a hole blasted clean through it. When it fell, it took several more with it, and like dominos, most of the army fell before the entire crowd went silent.
Hundreds, possibly thousands, of gnoks laid upon the ground, unmoving. Every single one of them was a cardboard cut out—a fake.
“Dat sonuvabitch is padding his numbers!” Earle cackled, trying to hold back his laughter. “Boss was right—ha—dis muddafucha ain’t got an honest bone in ‘is body.” Earle’s chittering laughter rang out over the angry grumbling of the crowd. “No one loves ye, dickhead. Yer shoulda lef’ alreddy.”
“You evil fucking rodent! Everyone loves me, and I have 75,000 followers—”
“Yeayea, fake ones, an’ dey be layin’ on da ground.” Even I laughed at that. Second by second the Father was getting angrier, and the Blaze Bots seemed to trust my direction. I could swear I saw Blaze Bot 8 crack a smile.
[City Drama levels increased to 80% (5% until Civil Unrest)]
“Nomar! I’ve had enough of this nonsense, send out the [Street Sweeper Team] and get this trash out of my courtyard. I want them all gone, even if you have to kill them.” Father swept his hand over the crowd. “You hear that? Leave, or you will die.”
“No!” Earle said, and something small and shaped like a piece of rice flew and hit the Father in the face. “Yeayea, keep it. Dat’s a little piece’o me fer ye.”
“Did—did you throw your shit at me?” The Father’s jowls quivered in rage.
At a nod from Amard, I knew it was time to step in. Blaze Bot 8 just nodded at me as I climbed up on the wall beside him, and rather than face the Father, I turned towards the crowd.
“Whatever you’re gonna do lad, ya better do it quick,” Blaze Bot 8 whispered.
I slid two fingers into my mouth and blew hard, the sharp whistling sound that followed settled the crowd. On one side of the wall, the gnoks recovered and shored up their defenses. They were down to about a fourth of their original members but were organizing quickly.
On the other side was a crowd of NPCs and [Authors] all of whom could give a shit less about who I was and more about when it was time to kill.
“The Father is a fraud.” I started and could hear the Father scoffing. “The Goddess and her true followers have shunned him, and he clings to the illusion of benevolence. What kind of man builds his church on top of a prison, a dark place that houses his deceipt in every nook. Worst of all, anyone that disagrees with him ends up down there. He has oppressed you, made you fear [Drama], one of your primal rights. He did it all so you would not oppose him while he controls the [Narrative].”
“[Drama] is not a right—”
“Quiet, the adults are talking.” I interrupted him amidst a chuckling crowd and couldn’t stop myself from smiling. “The truth—our truth, the one that this dictator does not wish you to see, is that none of you are slaves, and these aren’t our collars!” I shouted holding up the [Drama Meter] that was visibly vibrating on my arm; the gauge had spiked up to nearly 100%. The beeps it emitted were distorting.
“What are you doing?” The Father called out, noticing for the first time that all the [Drama Meters] were acting up, and he finally lost the pretense of benevolence. His composure finally cracked as he shrieked, “kill him—do it now!”
Gnoks surged forward, but the Blaze Bots jumped down and formed a wall in front of me. I tried to ignore them so I could finish my speech.
“That man wants to make the Goddess his bitch and doesn’t even care what he is doing to the realm. If he succeeds, she becomes a [Fallen God] and this realm dies. Fight back. Speak out, because meters don’t scare me, nor should they scare you. They scare him.” I pointed at the Father. “You know why? Because he has lied to you, again. And again. And again. I don’t even think he knows how to tell the truth. His mind is weak, and his power even more so. Let me show you how fragile his hold on you is…”
[City Drama has reached a critical level. Prepare for catastrophe.]
Magenta energy rose off every person and object throughout the Kongdom, and every person present could see it. My [Drama Meter] vibrated so fast that my arm was barely visible. [Drama] was getting sucked into it at an alarming rate, and I fear I might have overdone it. A glance showed that my band wasn’t the only one absorbing the energy.
It was easy to tell the sources of the most drama because the magenta cloud was thickest around them. It obscured the Father, making him invisible to normal sight. Drama Queen, I laughed and kept laughing not caring if I sounded like a mad man because the power of [Drama] had reached its pinnacle.
Thwump!
My [Drama Meter] exploded, violently disturbing the energy all around the plaza. Once mine went, every band in the immediate area was infused with too much [Drama] and vibrated dangerously.
Thwump!
Thwump!
Thwump!
One after another the [Drama Meters] popped and while it did little to no damage it knocked almost everyone onto their asses. As the crowd stood to face their captors, they raised their fists into the air. The gods were having fun because, in a moment of solidarity, every band crumbled to dust.
The fire of passion blazed in their eyes and hearts, and chills went down my spine. A city had risen from something worse than death, and life blossomed into their hearts. Each face shone with a resolve that had not been there before. We’d rekindled hope.
I knew just by looking at them that every one of them would fight, they had been waiting entire lives for it. They wanted someone to step up and command them. I do not know how I ended up in this position, but there was time to contemplate it later. I had started something, and I couldn’t back down now.
“That is the power that motherfucker tried to control—to take from you! He is a vampire and feeds on your [Drama] for his own gain. He gave you rules to follow and disobeyed them at every turn. He destroyed NPCs and [Authors] without mercy. Worse, he manipulated you all into feeling you owed him. Look upon the man who would smile to your face while disemboweling you. That is your enemy.”
“[BOOK BRAWL]!” Blaze Bot 8 growled, and his voice echoed over the stillness of the crowd. He and his brothers rushed forward, and every single person in the crowd charged with them.
A Blaze Bot 1 called out to me while laughing uncontrollably, “I told you so!” I understood why they called him Itys now. It’s an acronym for ‘I told you so’ because it was all that bot knew how to say.
Blaze Bot 3 also clapped me on the shoulder all the while launching [Truth Bombs] into the gnoks without mercy. The robed figures were too twisted to survive the truth, and everyone in the blast radius crumbled to dust. Shortly after that, the green belts joined the fray. The Father’s [Street Sweeper Team] were unaffected by the events, and they refused to let anyone bad mouth their [Patreon].
I didn’t charge with the others, because I moved back to the inn where Shagwell was. I’d figured out a while back that Sonya was using me to bait Nomar, and I played along dutifully. After the prison, there was no doubt he’d want Shagwell or me, and we were conveniently near each other.
“Figured out we’re the bait, eh?” Shagwell asked rhetorically and clapped me on the shoulder. “Good to have someone I trust at my back.”
“Start the ritual!” The Father squealed and retreated towards the church. Everyone heard the panic in his voice. “Nomar, BanHammer, and Spymon you deal with them. Gnoks! Use [Review Bombs], and I don’t care who you fucking hurt, take them all out.” The Father turned, and his eyes found mine, his hand rose and pointed towards me. “And I want that four-armed freak locked into my [YA Torture Chamber], I got a special hell for him. Nomar you do it. If you fail me, then we will re-evaluate your use to me.
Shit tits, fuck that. I’d die before I let him cut my dick off!
Chapter 64
Location: The Stone Place
Nomar jumped down the stairs and landed among the gnoks, not caring if he crushed them or not. His gaze locked on to me and charged at me like a vegan craving steak, which was had me chuckling because the minotaur was literally a walking steak. Not sure why I was thinking about vegans craving meat, actually I wonder if vegans supplemented by sucking a lot of cocks. One meat for another I suppose, assuming vegan was a female thing. I didn’t know any male vegans, at least ones that openly admitted it. Not that I blame them, I’d keep that shit to myself too, it’s emasculating.
“What are you thinking about, your stupid grin is disconcerting considering a one-ton bull man is charging at you,” Jason Shagwell was grinning back at me, but there was a real concern in his eyes.
“I don’t even know how much one ton is, but if you must know I was thinking about vegans.”
“Wut?” The necromancer’s face twisted up in confusion.
“I was vegan—not by choice,” I clarified. “My parents refused to let me eat meat, saying it was wasted on me when it should go to my siblings who had a chance at life. So I ate a lot of plants, most of them I don’t think were food, just stuff my parent’s picked out of the forest and claimed it was a salad. First time I had meat, I refused to eat another plant. I’m a meatan because plant lives matter.”
“Yeayea, boss. Ye might wanna stop talkin’. I’mma gorna juss say it, yer a loon.”
“Earle, you aren’t allowed to call anyone crazy. Look, the bull man is killing a lot of gnoks for us. His lower body is covered in blood.” My eyes went past the minotaur to a Blaze Bot climbing up the cathedral with a nine etched into his chassis. “Look, it’s the nine bot.”
“Yea, he’s called the Spyder. Gets into places most can’t,” Jason did not look up from his ritual summoning. Earle and I sat back watching. Nomar made it halfway to us before the ritual completed.
PLOP!
The sound was much louder than when I pulled it out of my [Bag of Holding], and Mr. Groundbeef appeared with legs. Only it was like five times bigger than the original. Its head was level with the second-story window, and I saw Amard stumble back from view.
Nomar stopped charging and bellowed in fear. His animal instincts took over making him forget the usage of any words. His eyes grew round exposing the whites, and seconds later, yellow liquid sprayed out from under his loincloth as dozens of gnoks received a glorious golden shower. His charge at us could not compare to the speed with which he fled.
The paladin on the wall jumped down and shouted, “BanHammer!”
The massive two-handed hammer came down on our gigantic zombie cow. It had little to no effect. The zombie cow snapped out, biting down on the dumbass and snagged him out of the air. Everyone winced at the sound of teeth screeching against the Paladin’s metal armor, but we were equally shocked when the cow ground it up like foil and ate it, with the human bits still sticking out.
“Yeayea, boss. We finally killed dat fucher.” Earle was clapping his little paws in excitement, and I couldn’t help but smile at the furry psycho.
Mr. Groundbeef kept moving closer to where the wall butted against the cathedral and when Blaze Bot 8 saw it, he backed off from engaging Spymon.
“Retreat and regroup!” The bot’s voice boomed over the riot, and to my amazement, even the [Authors] listened. All of them moved back as fast as they could, and those that were pressured into alleyways were forced to kill off the gnoks hiding there.
Jason turned and grinned. “You ready for my big moment? And I mean big.”
“Do it.”
“Yeayea, do it ye crazy muddafucha.”
The necromancer’s eyes glazed over for a second and Mr. Groundbeef turned and charged into the wall. The entire thing shook, and the stained-glass windows on the upper floors of the church shattered. Then time seemed to stop, and my ears popped as the suction of air made a whumpf sound. Even that paused briefly before the compressed air exploded outward.
KABOOM!
The zombie cow exploded, and the gnoks in the immediate vicinity didn’t explode, they just ceased to exist. In the fraction of a second I had before the wave of power hit us, I could see the air pushing towards us carrying a blood mist of all those it pulverized. My body smashed into the inn behind me, and the entire building shifted upward slightly. The yellow plaster on the wall broke away revealing the red bricks underneath.
Limbs, blood, and organs came in the next wave as they splashed against me. The bones were the most dangerous as they slammed into the wall like spears. Jason had a leg bone stick out of his shoulder, but I got lucky.
Standing on shaking knees, I gasped trying to suck air back into my lungs, before I broke down into a coughing fit. A [Healing Potion] soothed my parched throat, and my coughing settled down immediately. Ahhhh! Yum.
“Yeayea, ye two idiot muddafuchas, but yer my kinda idiots.” Earle’s chittering laughter caused him to fall off my shoulder, and he continued to laugh. Plop. Plop. Two rice turds popped and Earle went still for a second before he continued and laughed even harder.
The wall near the church was all but gone, and the entire corner of the cathedral destroyed, and yet, somehow, the building was still standing. The gnoks were almost all obliterated, and their bodies shielded most of the people they were trying to kill. Even now, most of the citizens and [Authors] were standing back up. Healers moved through the groups aiding those that were in critical condition.
“Deuce!” Amard shouted at me, as she moved through the debris. She stood before me shaking, but that resolve I noticed earlier was back. “He is still attempting the ritual, we—I need to confront him, or we’ve all lost.”
Chapter 65
Location: The Stone Place Cathedral
“Hey, good luck,” Jason said. “I will see you around, but my part is done here. After that, I probably need to lie low for a while.”
“Yeayea, see ya, man.” Earle waved goodbye to the Necromancer. “Hey, keep yer dick outta trouble, yea?”
Jason laughed and looked at me. “You have one disturbed companion. Not sure I can stop my whoring ways. It’s as I always say, Shagwell and shag often. Advice to live by.” He said winking at us, and then he rounded the corner of the building and was gone.
“Gorna miss that cheeky bastard.” Earle wiped away an imaginary tear.
Amard and I ran towards the cathedral and the Blaze Bots joined us. Sonya joined too, but she arrived as if by magic. She was just present.
“And they call me the Redd Eden,” She snorted when she joined up with us. I looked down, and blood and bits of flesh covered me head to toe. “Eight, I got Spymon; you and your brothers stop the ritual. Deuce, I’m not even going to guess or tell you what to do. It’s like you have the luck of the gods with you.”
She didn’t wait for a response and arrowed in on the yellow-belted gnok.
Spymon met her charge, his jagged yellow belt snapped free and clicked into place forming into his now familiar golden sword. The movements were smooth and practiced, and I knew enough to know he was above my class. The man was the peak fighter of the gnoks, and it did not surprise me he was their general.
His prowess didn’t stop Sonya, and as they clashed, she blew a red powder into his face. While
he was blinded, she pulled back her hands with her wrists touching. In the center, a red ball of energy formed.
He dodged back and lunged forward, but Sonya had been waiting for the move. Her hands shot forward releasing the energy, and Spymon’s sword cut it in half. Both ends of the red ball kept hurtling forward. The man danced backward frantically. It was physically impossible to dodge both halves of the energy sphere. The only decision Spymon had was where to take the blow, so he ducked low letting bottom half strike his shoulder while the other one sailed past. Blood splashed out the back of his shoulder.
After that, I was inside the church. As much as I wanted to continue to watch that fight, I had my own battle to wage. Well, not me specifically, because there was nothing here I could really fight, except for gnoks. It was only for moral support I was here now.
All the pews were shoved or blasted to the other sides, clearing out the center of the church. The part of the nave that was in front of the sanctuary, or the altar, had a large ritual circle carved into the wood. The cow explosion damaged the circle and gnoks frantically used their claws to fix it. It was not clean, but I assumed it would still work if what Amard said was true. The Father stood on the steps up into the sanctuary, resting in front of the holy table.
There was no way to hide our approach, and the man’s arrogance remained solidly in place. He stared at us as if daring us to do something about it until his eyes drifted to Amard. Upon seeing her, a frown creased his face, and then anger. I had a feeling the Father had a lot of anger issues, but I did not feel sorry for him. All of this was because of him. Rather than concentrating on his craft and trying to become an [Author] people looked up to, he resorted to bullshit and trickery to retain his status as a grade A douche bag.
Amard vibrated near me, and I could feel the energy radiating off of her. [Drama] had flooded this city had to have changed her core because the amount of energy was stronger than the [Firestorm] I’d absorbed. I’d be lying if I said she wasn’t giving me a fear boner right now.