Bless This Love

by S M Mala

  ‘How would you know him?’ Joe asked, peering at her, looking interested. ‘If you don’t go to church.’

  ‘I used to go to church but stopped. He was really good friends with my dad, for golf not God. And I run into him on a regular basis. The Reverend has a way of getting me to confess things. I think he drugs my pint. That man makes me laugh. How he likes a bit of skirt and the women in the parish pander to his every need. Not physical, as that old goat’s gut would get in the way!’

  She laughed out, remembering what he told her about carrying his big midriff around, and he’d only put on weight to fend off women.

  That was an utter lie as he loved his food and drink far too much.

  ‘Do you want to sit?’ she asked Joe, who was laughing at her comment.

  And so they sat down and chatted.

  About music, the world, poverty, television and life.

  She found out he was from Newcastle upon Tyne and moved to London when he was eighteen. There was an older sister called Sarah and he had two nieces aged three and five. They all still lived in his old home town. And he got homesick regularly.

  He was the same age as her though his birthday was in September and Suri was born in January. They would have been in the same year at school.

  Joe wanted to play in a band since he was seven and it took years of lessons for him to put together a chord. Then he wanted to go into music and changed his mind again, taking on more study.

  He was looking for his next step up in his chosen profession, which she still wasn’t sure what that was. Probably a community worker. And he wasn’t quite sure if he would stay in the area. It was all up in the air from the sound of it.

  It was after three in the morning when they realised they’d spoken non-stop.

  In that time, she watched how he laughed, ran his fingers through his hair and took the tiny cross that was hanging from a gold chain around his neck, pulling it from side to side, before putting the chain in his mouth.

  She swore he was mumbling something but couldn’t make out what it was.

  ‘It’s late,’ he said, getting to his feet. ‘Thanks for this.’

  Immediately she didn’t want him to go home. Suri could have easily chatted some more.

  ‘Pleasure!’ she said getting up. ‘Shall I call you a cab?’

  ‘No, I’ll be fine. I can run back to the flat.’ He walked to the door and opened it. ‘So I’ll see you tonight? I’ll text you the details and… what’s your number?’

  ‘I’ll get your number off Naomi,’ she smiled and put out her hand to shake his. ‘I really enjoyed myself. Thanks.’

  ‘You have a great collection of music,’ he whispered. ‘That’s always a bonus.’

  He put out his hand and shook hers, grinning all the while before walking out and shutting the door.

  ‘Oh Joe the jogging man, how perfect are you?’

  ‘He’s not interested.’

  Suri sipped her wine and looked around the pub. There were a lot of women floating about. ‘I saw him this morning, and he waved and jogged right past me.’

  She couldn’t hide her disappointment.

  That morning she’d forced herself to go to the gym on the pretence of getting a coffee.

  ‘I think his work’s really important to him, and he nearly got the sack, so it’s all good behaviour.’ Naomi let out a loud sigh. ‘He likes you that’s why he asked you to come along.’

  ‘Are you sure it’s okay I’m here? I don’t want to tread on your toes. I know you don’t spend much time with Mr Lover man.’

  ‘I don’t think it’s true love just sex. I hate that fact he works shifts. It’s a nightmare, but he’s okay,’ she grumbled. ‘Talking of shifts, or was it shafts, how’s the porn writing going?’

  ‘Badly.’

  A cheer erupted, and people walked on stage. Joe came on last and was the lead singer and guitarist. He looked sexy wearing dark blue jeans and a faded denim shirt.

  ‘Gosh, I wish I was a groupie,’ grinned Suri, seeing the women were cheering loudly. ‘Though I think I’ve been beaten to it.’

  Then the band began to play.

  And Suri’s phone started to ring so in a panic, she rushed out and answered it.

  ‘Hello.’

  It was Ted.

  ‘Listen I don’t want to speak to you,’ she said, wishing she’d checked who it was first. ‘And I’m busy.’

  ‘I miss you. You know l love you so much. I’m lying here thinking of when we used to make love and how you’d growl.’

  ‘Mostly through annoyance at your conceit of wanting to look at yourself in the mirror while you banged away,’ she quietly said.

  ‘If you didn’t love it, your pussy did.’

  ‘Ted, it’s over! You lied to me for so long and I was stupid. I don’t want to be a mistress, I never did. It was just sex, nothing more, nothing less. Can you stop calling me? It’s time to move on.’

  ‘I can’t,’ he said and it sounded like he was crying. ‘I made a mistake and I should have stuck with you. I know that now.’

  The music was blaring out in the background, and then she stopped, hearing the very soulful voice coming from inside. Peeking her head around the corner, it was Joe singing. She wanted to go back in.

  ‘And I’ve decided to ask for a transfer.’

  ‘What did you say?’ she asked turning away from the music. ‘Why?’

  ‘I want to be with you.’

  ‘Oh God! Have you gone deaf? It’s over!’ she shouted out loudly.

  It was just then she realised there was no music and everyone had heard her.

  Shaking her head furiously, she walked out of the pub and stood outside. The music started up, and she hated trying to tell Ted again and again.

  ‘You don’t mean it,’ he said quietly. ‘And I want to be close to you.’

  ‘Don’t!’

  ‘I’ve asked Edgar to let me return. There’s an opportunity for Director of International Sales.’

  She couldn’t speak.

  The last thing she wanted to hear was that Ted was going to come back.

  ‘Suri? Are you still there?’

  Suri hung up and braced herself up against the wall, not wanting to go back inside. She still cared for him but nothing would change and that’s not how she wanted her life to be. Sitting at an outside table, she sipped her wine and listened to the band.

  Then they played a song she remembered from years ago.

  It jolted her.

  ‘Yester-me, Yester-you, Yesterday’ by Stevie Wonder was a song Rory and her used to sing together when they were very much in love and in the band.

  That’s how she met him when they were auditioning for a guitarist and he turned up, all handsome and moody, to the room they used in college. And she fell instantly in love with the boy who would ultimately break her heart and change her world.

  That was the last time she trusted a man before Ted came along.

  And what a load of bollocks that was.

  It was also the first time she realised there wasn’t a God because too many bad things had happened to her since the day she set eyes on Rory.

  Really bad things.

  But she wasn’t to know how it would all turn out.

  It just took a few hours for her life to change.

  Closing her eyes, she listened to the music in the background, reminding her of a time when everything was so innocent and new. Now, the meaning to the words were so different. It was as if they rang true to Suri’s life.

  It was the last song Suri ever sang in public. Her back had been turned to the congregation and all she did was look at the stained glass window of the angel.

  The whole experience was too painful for her to look at anyone.

  Her public singing days were over.

  She sang in her home when no-one was around so the walls of her cottage were her audience. It was her secret and she didn’t want to share her voice with anyone.

  If there was a God,
there wouldn’t be the continuous reminder that Suri could never get what she really wanted.

  Her life had been blighted by a simple love song.

  Then she touched her face and felt the tears she didn’t know she had cried.

  ‘Where’ve you been?’

  Len was propped up by the bar. ‘Want another drink?’

  ‘Thanks but no. I think I better make a move.’ Suri downed her wine and looked at all the women in front of the stage, looking adoringly at Joe happily singing away. ‘He’s a nice guy.’

  ‘I’ve heard about your coffee mornings and chats. I’m pleased you’re making him feel welcome.’ Then Len cleared his throat. ‘You know work comes first and everything else second, don’t you?’

  ‘I don’t mind being forth, right now,’ she said leaning her head down, looking at her phone, another text coming in from her ex-lover.

  ‘Was that Ted, again?’

  ‘He wants to come and work back at the company just to be near me. I think I might have to really pack in the job and run away.’

  ‘Fucking hell! That would be awful! But I’d volunteer doing the continuity for you.’

  Len turned and gave her a big hug while everyone applauded the band. She buried her head in his burly chest before pulling away. Then she saw Naomi walk up to her.

  ‘Did you hear what he played? It's like a sign.’ her friend whispered, squeezing her arm, then looking upset. ‘Suri, are you okay?’

  ‘He has a beautiful voice, don’t you think?’ she said, knowing Naomi could see her discomfort. ‘It has been such a long time since I heard it.’

  ‘You sing it better,’ Naomi said, gulping.

  ‘Tell Joe thanks. He’s got an amazing voice and-.’

  ‘Where are you going?’ Joe asked, coming up from behind, looking a bit sweaty and very sexy. ‘Didn’t you like it? I didn’t see you standing at the front trying to throw your pull up pants at me.’

  Suri turned around and smiled up at him.

  ‘It was brilliant. Your voice is so silky and soulful, but I needed some air,’ she replied, forcing a smile. ‘I heard everything. Listen, I think I should go.’

  ‘Don’t,’ he said, leaning down. ‘I thought we could go and get something to eat later. I never eat before a gig and then I’m suddenly starving. And we live near each other.’

  His eyes were bright, and she didn’t know what to say. Obviously Len wanted her to say ‘yes’ as he kept elbowing her in the ribs and flicking her secretive winks. Naomi was stroking her as if trying to placate a cat.

  ‘Are you sure? Aren’t you playing again?’ Suri asked, feeling a little embarrassed that this was being witnessed.

  ‘No way!’ he laughed. ‘We’re the warm up band. The proper ones come on next. Drink?’

  Nodding, she did want to stay with Joe. There was something calming about him which made her feel at ease. He grinned and got her a glass of wine.

  She felt the vibration of her phone and looked down. It was a message from Ted.

  ‘Don’t turn your back on me, you can’t.’

  Joe grabbed the phone from her hand and smiled before saying,

  ‘You can do anything you want, pet. That’s what my mum always told me.’

  ‘You know how to wine and dine a woman.’

  She was laughing quite hard. They were sharing a bag of chips on her bench, looking at the church. ‘But this is perfect. I don’t want to go inside. Look how pretty the lights are around it and the sky? See the stars twinkling.’

  Then she turned and saw him looking at her. There was no smile, just an inquisitive expression.

  ‘Is everything all right?’ she asked, taking another heavily salted piece of fried potato and shoving it in her mouth.

  ‘You know, Reverend Pinter?’ he began, handing her a bottle of beer. ‘I didn’t want to tell you but I meet him down the pub occasionally and when I go to church.’

  ‘I see,’ she said, her smile fading. ‘You go to church?’

  ‘Yes I do,’ he said with a half-smile.

  ‘Which one?’

  ‘I like that one,’ he said, nodding towards the church on the green.

  Suri didn’t want to know if he knew her mum and the awful Janet Peters.

  There was a little panic building in her chest.

  ‘And today I bumped into him, just before I was coming out and asked if he remembered you.’

  ‘Oh.’ Her stomach plummeted deep down, making her feel a little sick while she chewed her chip. ‘I better go-.’

  ‘Why don’t you tell me what happened?’ he said, gently putting his hand on hers. ‘I mean, we’re getting to know each other as friends.’

  ‘What did he say?’ her eyes started to fill with tears. ‘I know he wouldn’t say anything bad but please tell me.’

  ‘He said you were a lovely girl but you’re carrying around a lot of guilt regarding something that happened years ago, and I should treat you with the upmost respect. The Reverend said you were often wilful as a child and got up to lots of shenanigans.’ Joe smiled. ‘And that one day, he hopes you’ll go back to church because you’ll realise it wasn’t your fault, none of it. What’s he talking about?’

  Pursing her lips hard, she couldn’t stop the tears.

  ‘Oh no!’ she laughed, swallowing hard. ‘It must be the drink making me emotional.’

  ‘I’m a good listener.’

  ‘I hardly know you. I can’t spill my heart out knowing people will think badly of me.’

  ‘Did you kill someone?’

  Suri got up very quickly and gulped hard as Joe stood up and looked down.

  ‘It’s the song you see. The second one you played. It sets me off.’

  ‘I’m sorry,’ he said anxiously.

  ‘It reminds me of a bad time.’

  ‘I didn’t know and-.’

  ‘I have to go home,’ she said, not wanting to cry in front of him. ‘Thank you for tonight and I’ll see you … when I see you.’

  ‘Okay?’ he said, looking confused. ‘I’ll walk you-.’

  ‘No, please don’t walk me home. I’m fine. It’s not late.’

  She ran at high speed, over the road, across the green towards the traffic lights, crossing over until she was at the green on the other side of the shops. Suri broke down and cried.

  Still people knew about what happened all that time ago, and it would never leave her, never let her go so she could move on.

  But why should it?

  If it wasn’t for her, then none of it would have happened.

  That was her cross to bear.

  It was very heavy and hard to carry.

  ‘Coming!’

  Suri walked to the door late on Sunday afternoon to find Joe standing on her doorstep.

  She’d cried continuously the night before as the memories came flooding back.

  ‘Before you say anything,’ he announced, walking in. ‘I got these given to me. Don’t ask. I thought, who would I like to share them with? So here you are.’

  She felt bad about running off when seeing his happy face.

  It made her feel guilty.

  ‘I’m sorry,’ she said, as he walked into her kitchen and turned around. ‘I don’t usually get upset about things and… I think it’s the pressure of work.’

  Joe stood there, staring for a while then grinned.

  ‘I have to work on Sundays, so I’m never usually free until this time of day. I like to play football on a Sunday morning so have a game about eight, go to church then I’m a busy man, give or take. Around five, I’ll be all yours.’

  ‘I’m a bit confused,’ she said, looking at the scones.

  ‘I’ve got cream and jam,’ he said, reaching inside the carrier bag, grabbing a pot. ‘And I love a good scone.’

  ‘About last night. I didn’t mean to run off. I don’t want you to think I’m completely unhinged, I’m not. I’ve got some demons and-.’

  Joe grabbed her by the shoulders and kissed her gently on the lips,
startling Suri.

  ‘I thought you didn’t want a relationship let alone fancy me,’ she said, completely muddled by his actions. Then she stepped back. ‘Don’t think because I’m writing continuity for the porn channel, I’m gagging for it.’

  ‘I could tell you were apprehensive about me,’ he shrugged, grinning from ear to ear. ‘Seriously? You couldn’t tell I was smitten?’

  ‘Ah, no.’

  ‘You’re absolutely gorgeous and I noticed you months ago. It was like a sign, Len knowing you. I didn’t know how to approach you for all those weeks I saw you sitting on the bench and then… here you are! Waiting for me, like the angel you are.’

  ‘Are you sure you’re all right?’ she asked, wondering if he was a bit mad.

  ‘You know what, God moves in mysterious ways and even I did. When I started jogging, I was only going to go round the green once but when I saw you sitting there, I went round twice, and that’s why I’m pretty fit right now. It was a bloody killer!’

  Then he grabbed her in his arms and kissed her again, this time she parted her lips and felt his tongue touch hers. It was a like an electric bolt, making her head spin.

  ‘I’m confused. Some might call it slow,’ she said, pulling away and looking up at him, trying to control her breath. ‘You fancy me?’

  ‘Let’s have a scone and a cup of tea. I’ll make them then we can talk.’

  She watched Joe fill the kettle and rummage around her cupboards then start to prepare the scones, all the while smiling at her. Suri sat down and didn’t know what to say.

  ‘Ideally, I wasn’t going to have a romantic attachment, and you know what? I saw you and realised you have to grab life’s opportunities, and I wanted to grab you for weeks. Am I going too fast?’ Joe was pouring out the hot water as Suri shook her head. Then he stopped what he was doing and turned to look at her. ‘I mean, you do like me, don’t you?’

  She smiled, standing up and nodded.

  ‘That’s a good start,’ he said and then they stopped smiling.

  Pulling him by his leather jacket, she kissed him again and felt him hold her tightly in his arms, their tongues swirling in time. He was turning her on, and that was only kissing.