Bless This Love

by S M Mala

  Naomi had told her she was flying up north to meet Terry’s relatives. Even she’d been invited and they were only moving in together.

  Everything seemed doubtful to Suri.

  Joe and she weren’t even acting like a couple, not like Naomi and Terry, who seemed to be doing it the text book way.

  Then she found herself by the church, looking at the place that Rory had died. She sat on her bench. Taking her mobile phone, she called her mother.

  ‘Hello mum,’ she said cheerfully. ‘How are you?’

  ‘I’ve been telling everyone about the wedding!’ she said. ‘June! What a wonderful month! Auntie Hilda said she’ll gladly make the wedding cake.’

  ‘That’s a relief,’ Suri said, in two minds about telling her mother about the real date. ‘We might bring the wedding forward. Both of us can’t wait.’ She grimaced at her comment. ‘But we’ll discuss it over Christmas. What are you doing for Christmas?’

  ‘As you like to turn up for a few hours and then leave, half drunk, I’m going to spend a few nights with Auntie Hilda. Since Cecil passed away, she gets lonely with the children living in the States now. Uncle Ray and a few others will be coming round. I’m heading off on Christmas Eve morning after I give you your Christmas present.’

  ‘Mum, you don’t have to. Keep it until you come back.’

  ‘You’ll get it on Christmas Eve so you can open it on Christmas Day. I suppose you’re spending it with Reverend Isley?’

  ‘You can call him Joe,’ she said quietly, then pulled a face. ‘He’s going to be busy around Christmas but I’m sure we’ll spend some time together. He’s flying to see his folks on 27th for a few days.’

  ‘I heard Janet Peters say the other day he was going to her home for Christmas lunch,’ laughed out her mother. ‘That woman! Gave me the snootiest look, as if Joe would rather be in her company than yours. She’ll be drunk by mid-morning.’

  ‘Look, don’t talk to him about it. He’s so stressed out with all this Christmas stuff; he’ll forget where he’s supposed to be.’ She let out a false laugh, realising Joe probably would prefer to be at Janet Peters’ house. ‘Better go. He’s moving in today.’

  ‘I see. That’ a big step.’

  ‘If only you knew.’

  Closing her eyes after saying goodbye to her mother, Suri realised for the first time in years, she’d be on her own on for Christmas. Then she looked down and pushed her hand under the coat, rubbing her tummy.

  She wouldn’t be totally alone, and the full horror of what was happening only started to dawn on her.

  ‘I’m not ready,’ she whispered to herself. ‘I can’t lose another man and another baby again. Help me Rory. What am I going to do?’

  She started to cry silently under her hood and felt like a mess.

  There was no job to speak of; her lover would rather spend it with his congregation and go away, on his own, to see his family. Her mother was going off to be with Auntie Hilda.

  Suri was left alone, full of nausea and scared shitless that the Vicar might stand her up.

  And she didn’t know how far gone she was and if the baby would be around for the wedding day, let alone come out healthy.

  Looking at the grass and thinking hard, she couldn’t focus on one thing as something else would come hurtling into her head. All she knew, right now, was she’d have to keep quiet about the scan and Christmas.

  After then, the wedding may or may not happen. She wasn’t going to force Joe regardless of how far gone she was. He had a right to put it back, and Jack would have to accept it – as well as pulling strings so people wouldn’t talk.

  June would be when they got married, and if they did call her the Vicar’s tart, she’d accept it.

  Joe had always said his work came first.

  There was no choice for her.

  She put her hands over her face, starting to cry again.

  Last time she was mourning the loss of her boyfriend but now, like then, she was confused and very much alone.

  ‘Hello, Suri.’

  The Monday before Christmas and four days before her scan, she bumped into Ted outside her usual coffee shop. It was mid-morning, and he should have been in work. Again, he looked perfect in his large coat and scarf, holding his case.

  ‘Hello,’ she said, worried he was going to say something mean.

  ‘Are you going in? Can I buy you a coffee?’

  Suri hesitated and noticed the gentle smile. She was torn on what to do.

  ‘I’d love a hot chocolate,’ she replied, smiling. ‘It’s Christmas and I’m cutting down on caffeine.’

  This wasn’t the moment to reveal details about her growing waist line.

  He led her to a table at the back, and she waited for her drink. Oddly enough, she felt nervous then realised when she removed her glove, there was the sparkling engagement ring.

  ‘They’re going to bring it over,’ he said, taking off his coat.

  There was a waft of his usual aftershave that still smelt delicious to her nose.

  ‘Thank you for not calling me,’ she whispered, seeing his smile freeze. ‘I appreciate it.’

  ‘You had a word with Edgar, didn’t you?’

  ‘I might have mentioned it.’

  Suri had sent an email to Edgar, advising of her engagement as well as Ted’s continuous harassment. She didn’t want to get Ted in trouble but needed someone to have a quiet word.

  Edgar was the only choice.

  The man thought it was funny but seemed genuinely happy about her and Joe, though still not convinced Suri had any idea what she was going to do ‘when you grow up.'

  His words, not hers.

  ‘He mentioned you were under a great deal of stress and that my calls weren’t helping.’ He looked straight at her, his green eyes dazzling, once again. I retracted my grievance. I want to draw a line under the incident.’

  ‘I didn’t know that. He didn’t say.’ She thought hard why Edgar wouldn’t have told her.

  ‘I thought they’d let you know,’ he said, looking puzzled.

  The drinks turned up, and she stirred her chocolate slowly.

  ‘I would have thought you’d have come back,’ Ted added, leaning closer. ‘Don’t you want to return?’

  ‘I want to but, to be honest, I’m not sure if I like working for Denise. Plus I have to clean up the persistent mess she has a habit of leaving. Edgar says it’s my fault for not taking the opportunities that come my way.’

  ‘But everyone thinks he favours you,’ smiled Ted, sipping his coffee. ‘You know, for years, I heard about you and him. Rumours had it you were having an affair.’ Suri shook her head at that comment. ‘It was Edgar who told me about your connection, way before we got together. I was intrigued why the girl, whose boyfriend killed his daughter, was very much protected by the father.’

  She didn’t know how to answer but decided to listen to what Ted had to say; his theory.

  ‘After a while, I realised you were the replacement for his child. Someone to love and nurture. Why did your boyfriend murder his child?’

  ‘He stabbed her after she stabbed him. It was a quarrel that got out of control, not a murder.’

  ‘Over you?’

  She shook her head from side to side.

  ‘Then over what?’ he pried. ‘Tell me.’

  ‘Over something that was personal,’ was her only reply as she sipped her drink. ‘He is innocent, and I want a plaque in his memory but even going out with the Vicar doesn’t help.’

  ‘How old was he when he died?’

  ‘Twenty-three.’

  Ted looked shocked and shook his head from side to side.

  ‘I was, obviously, distraught and didn’t know what to think,’ she said, sipping her lukewarm drink. ‘Edgar’s ex-wife hates me and she won’t let it happen. She thinks Felicity is a saint and Rory the devil. I know that’s not the case. He deserves to be remembered in a good way, not a bad one.’

  ‘Then do it properly. Get a p
etition to show that people support you and go through the right channels.’

  ‘The church own the land and-.’

  ‘The church own the land, but it has public use,’ Ted said, starting to smile. ‘Speak to the local councillors and MP. Show them why you want a plaque, or even a park bench, and get people who knew the boy to back you.’

  ‘Boy,’ she whispered to herself. Suri felt emotional. ‘He never got a chance to become a man, have a future. It was all taken away. I need to do something.’

  ‘Then do what I said and see what happens. And it’s true about you being engaged then?’ asked Ted, looking at her ring. ‘Is it serious?’

  ‘It’s very serious.’

  ‘Are you sure you’re not doing this as a rebound because of me?’

  ‘I’m doing this because I love him and most of all, I trust him.’

  ‘Suri, I can’t see you as a Vicar’s wife.’

  ‘Then we have something in common. Why stay with your wife if you’re so keen to cheat?’

  ‘I love my wife, my kids but I married too young. There are so many things I wanted to try and … look Suri, don’t judge me. But know one thing, my feelings about you are very real and nothing has changed. I never took you for the settling down type, and that’s probably where I got it wrong.’

  ‘If you’re going to cheat, then give your wife some level of respect and split up. It’d break her heart to know you weren’t faithful. It broke mine.’

  For the first time in ages, she saw the sadness and sincerity in his eyes.

  ‘Don’t marry the Vicar. He won’t make you happy.’

  ‘I disagree.’

  ‘But he won’t give you the life you deserve.’

  ‘Honestly Ted,’ she said, letting out a deep breath. ‘In reality, I don’t deserve anything. Whatever he’s got, I’ll be happy with it.’

  ‘You’re in love with him?’

  ‘Is that such a shock I could love anyone other than you?’

  Suri felt sick and knew it was the blood passing through her veins which now consisted of Joe’s, because of the baby, making her want to throw up.

  The child was siding with the father.

  There were some godly things she had no control of.

  ‘I have to go,’ she said, after finishing her drink. ‘I’ve got a virus and feel a little poorly. Thank you for the hot chocolate. Ted, I don’t want to fight with you. What I did was wrong but I was angry at your lies. I’d never hurt you in a million years.’

  ‘But you are,’ he said, looking sadly at her. ‘Marrying someone else isn’t what I ever expected you to do.’

  ‘Who was that?’

  Janet Peters was standing in front of her when Suri left Ted sitting at the table.

  Stopping dead in her tracks, the nausea dissipated but not her detest for the woman.

  ‘It’s none of your business,’ she replied, taking a deep breath and hoping she wouldn’t throw up on Janet Peters.

  Then again, she didn’t care if she did.

  ‘And you, the Vicar’s fiancé?’ It was said with disgust rather than observation.

  ‘I’m in a rush, so leave me alone.’

  ‘And this man? Does Reverend Isley know about your secret liaisons?’ she laughed then stepped closer. ‘I was very surprised when he proposed. I’d only seen him a few days earlier, totally engrossed in some young blonde. They looked more in love than you do with him.’

  ‘I don’t think you’re nice.’

  ‘Suri, just accept it. It’s a fling and his proposal is … I don’t know. I’ll ask him over Christmas lunch as a funny topic of conversation.’

  ‘I know about the woman visiting Joe, he told me. And the man I was speaking to? He works with Edgar and Joe has met him. I have no objection where Joe wants to have Christmas lunch. He made the arrangement way before he proposed. Remember? He asked me, not the other way around. Anything else you want to point out about my life?’

  ‘He won’t marry you. Mark my words, he’ll probably leave the parish than take you up the aisle.’

  ‘Maybe that’s the problem, Janet. You’d rather he took you up the aisle, literally. Thing is, it’s so crammed with large poles up there, no-one, even a sexually prolific homosexual with a strap on, could get it in!’

  On that note, Suri marched into the local supermarket and threw up in the public toilet.

  When she’d recovered, still retching over what she’d seen under the toilet bowl, the only place she could seek refuge was the bench near the church. Slowly she walked towards it and buried her face in her hands, after putting a mint to freshen up her breath.

  ‘Suri?’ she heard him say and noticed Joe was leaning forward sat on the bench next to her, his hands clasped together. ‘Are you feeling okay?’

  ‘Hello there,’ she said, removing her palms and forcing a smile. ‘What a Monday this is turning out to be.’

  It hadn’t felt like he was living with her.

  Joe had been out and about, coming home late, leaving early. She’d hardly seen him since the day he’d moved in. Even on the first Saturday night they spent together; he got home late from a dinner that only Jack and he had been invited to.

  But Suri had taken to going to the gym early and not getting her usual cup of coffee, feeling sick over the smell. When she returned home, he’d be gone.

  Biting her lip and feeling upset at Janet Peters’ comments, Suri smiled through her tears while Joe stroked her cheek.

  ‘I don’t think we should get married,’ she whispered, watching him look into her eyes. ‘It’s too soon and-.’

  ‘I know I’m not spending much time with you,’ he interrupted. ‘I’m trying to change a few things.’

  ‘Don’t change anything, not for me,’ she said, biting her lip. ‘I’d rather you didn’t.’

  ‘You seem unhappy and distant. I thought you wanted me to move in. Since I have, I’ve hardly seen you.’

  ‘I can’t cope with it, that’s all. And I hate Janet Peters and the things she says.’ She buried her head in his coat and started to cry. ‘I’m scared I’m going to lose it all again. I know I will.’

  ‘You won’t, I promise you.’

  She wasn’t quite sure how long she stayed, huddled in his arms, but eventually pulled away as he held her face in his hands.

  ‘I’m not calling off the wedding. When I get back from my parents, I’ll help sort it all out. I’m on top of it, and I know Naomi is helping you. I would love for you to come and meet my mum and dad, but I want you to stay here and rest up.’

  ‘It’s too soon for us to get married,’ she blurted out. ‘It’s happening fast and I’m not sure we’re both thinking straight. I, for one, can’t stop crying, and it’s pissing me off!’

  ‘I’m going to marry you whether it’s June or January.’

  ‘Why do you want to get married to me? After what Janet said I don’t-.’

  ‘I love you, Suri. I am totally and absolutely in love with you and I want you to be my wife, for the rest of my life. That’s all.’

  ‘And you’ll turn up to the church?’

  ‘Just try and stop me.’

  ‘Are you awake?’

  Suri was looking at her nearly clean shaven man, lying asleep next to her. He looked like an angel.

  ‘No,’ he replied then smiled.

  ‘It’s Christmas Eve.’

  ‘I know.’

  Joe grabbed her gently and pulled Suri closer, nuzzling in her hair.

  She’d hardly slept, due to the worry about the scan. Deep down, she felt awful not telling Joe but he’d been so preoccupied. There didn’t seem a good time to break the news he’d have to take time out from his busy schedule.

  And she knew, if there were something wrong with the pregnancy, she’d spare him the pain she’d have to go through.

  ‘I love Christmas,’ Suri sighed, stroking his face. ‘And I love you.’ The eyes started to open slowly, and he let out a little sigh. ‘I haven’t got you a big present;
I didn’t know what to get.’

  ‘Why are you telling me this now?’

  ‘Just in case I don’t see you until tomorrow.’

  ‘I’ll be in this bed, tonight. I’m not sure what time, but we’ll wake up and spend a few hours together.’ Then he hesitated. ‘And you’re going to spend it with your mum? Is that right?’

  ‘Don’t worry about me. I’ve ordered the crane to wedge you up to bed tomorrow evening, when you’re stuffed from all the turkey and mince pies.’

  ‘It’s our first Christmas, and I should be spending it with you,’ he whispered, matching her sentiments.

  Suri knew if she agreed, he’d feel guilty, and it would spoil everything.

  ‘We’ll have some time together, and that’s good enough for me,’ she lied through her smile. ‘And we have many Christmas celebrations to look forward to in the future.’ His smile faded, and he frowned before closing his eyes. ‘Which doesn’t mean to say I won’t miss you.’

  ‘Come to church then at least I get to see you.’

  ‘I’ll try midnight mass but I’m completely exhausted by eight in the evening, I won’t be able to stay awake.’

  ‘What are your plans for the day?’

  ‘Buying reduced priced party food I can freeze for when I get the munchies,’ she smiled then her heart slumped.

  Today she would find out how pregnant she was. It was both exciting and frightening.

  Getting up, she went to the bathroom and had a pee. It was when she was wiping, Suri noticed a dark brown blood and it was a sign.

  She was going to miscarry.

  Her immediate reaction was to shout out for Joe, but she couldn’t. Tears sprung to her eyes, and she was petrified, so sat very still, wondering what to do. Reaching for a panty liner, she put one in her knickers.

  Suri had bought bulk, on the lookout for blood or tell-tale signs. To her, it was typical for her to fall at the final hurdle. Now she would have to be strong.

  To her relief, Joe had got out of bed and was getting changed. As he walked past her, Joe kissed her forehead. She wanted to wrap her arms around him but decided to play it cool and internally quake.

  It was now a good idea that they weren’t seeing much of each other over the next week or so.