If I Only Knew

by Corinne Michaels

  “I told you, we’re taking it slow. Tonight is a business dinner. We’re going to celebrate the permits and talk about the next project on the list.”

  She laughs. “Last time you said it was business I caught you fogging up the windows.” Ava grabs the dress and starts to twirl around. “Like a couple of school kids. Oh, Milo, kiss me.” She makes noises and rubs the dress against her. “Talk British to me before I stick my tongue in your mouth.”

  “Knock it off and give me the dress, you nut job. And you and I aren’t besties or whatever you kids call it, so we’re not talking about kissing.”

  I’m so not going there with her. There are lines, and this is one we won’t cross.

  “You don’t have to talk to me about it, I caught you and posted it on the internet. You’re welcome.”

  “I really should’ve considered adoption when I was pregnant.”

  Ava shrugs. “I would’ve found you eventually.”

  Yeah, she definitely would’ve.

  “Here, try this on.” She tosses the hanger over and the dress is actually not bad.

  “Why the hell didn’t you show me this one before the last dinner meeting I had?”

  Ava doesn’t even give me the courtesy of trying to look apologetic. “Because that dress was hot. This one is . . . wearable.”

  Unreal.

  “This is classy, Ava. You don’t always have to show the goods to get a man to notice you.”

  She bursts out laughing. “Right, Mom. Guys love it when you win them with your brains. I mean, that’s what they look at when you walk by . . .”

  “You know what I mean.” I slip the dress on, smoothing the fabric as I look in the mirror.

  This one is actually perfect. It’s a maroon satin dress that cuts just below my knee. I love that it’s tight around the chest and waist but gives a bit around my hips.

  “Wow.” Ava whistles. “You look hot.”

  “You think?”

  “Totally. Can I do your makeup again?” she asks.

  “No.”

  God only knows what new tricks she’s learned online. I’ll stick with my routine.

  “Well then, can I have my phone back for more than when I’m stuck babysitting Parker?”

  I was really hoping we’d avoid this fight. Yes, Ava’s grades have improved, as has her attitude. It’s been actually pleasant to be around her. She’s being nice, even watching a movie with Parker and I the other night, and I don’t want to lose that.

  Part of me can’t help but think it’s because she doesn’t have that damn phone glued to her hand.

  These are the times I wish I could defer to Peter. He was really good at being the bad guy when it came to her. “No, you’re doing better, and I appreciate that, but I caught you smoking, skipping school, and God only knows what I don’t know.”

  “So I’m grounded for what you don’t even know I did?”

  “Ava, it takes more than two weeks of good behavior to make up for the shit you did that I do know about.”

  My daughter is a smart girl. She also has a manipulative side that I’m sure is working on overdrive. If I give in to her now, there will be no going back without a war.

  I watch the wheels turn in her blue eyes. “Whatever.”

  “Trust is earned, sweetheart. When it’s broken, there’s no telling how long it’ll take to fix it.” I touch her cheek before dropping my hand.

  “I’m trying.”

  “I know you are.”

  She’s made strides. I’ll give her that, but after the hell she’s put me through the last year, she’s got to run a marathon before we’re on steady ground.

  She heads out of the room and I release a heavy sigh. It seriously sucks having to be the adult. I always envisioned a relationship with Ava where we were friends. We would eat pizza, talk, and have a sisterhood type bond, but she never wanted that. Ava is the girl who, the minute she felt old enough, stopped holding my hand to cross the street and didn’t need me to tuck her in at night.

  It was hard to accept the reality of our relationship.

  I head downstairs where Parker is reading his new comic book.

  “Hey, buddy.”

  “Mom! Look!” He shows me the page.

  “Wow, Thor looks pretty fierce there,” I note.

  Parker nods with a huge grin. “He’s the best.”

  “Really? What about Spiderman? I thought he was the best?”

  “I like him too, but Thor is cooler and has a hammer. Plus, he’s a God!”

  If he says so.

  “Okay, I’m glad you found a new superhero.”

  “Thor is like Milo.”

  We’re going to make sure Milo never hears about being like a God. I don’t need to inflate that ego more than it is now.

  Parker goes back to looking at the comic and I pick up some of the toys lying around. Who said motherhood isn’t glamourous?

  I try not to be nervous knowing he’ll be here soon. Milo has been to my house, met my kids, and knows my life, but not since we had sex the other day. I’m not sure how this works now. We’ve sort of said we’re dating but taking it slow. I just don’t know how to act around him. Will my kids be able to look at us and know we had sex? Is there some weird vibe we’ll give off? Do I kiss him when he comes in?

  So much shit to think about.

  “Mom?”

  “Yes.”

  “Do you like Milo?”

  Oh, Jesus. “Do you like Milo?” I repeat.

  “I like him,” he says. “Are you his girlfriend?”

  How and why is this happening right now? “Milo and I are friends, Parker. We work together and spend a lot of time with each other.”

  He nods as if that makes perfect sense. “Okay.”

  My heart starts to return to its normal speed and I look down at my watch, wondering where the hell he is.

  “Do you kiss him?”

  I close my eyes, wishing a sinkhole would open and take me with it because the only rule in our home is we never lie. Not that I think they’ll always follow it, but Peter and I believe strongly in honesty. I don’t know if it’s because in our jobs, twisting the truth was expected, so when we came home, we never wanted to question it. Lies have the ability to take on their own life. They start off simple and small, then the next thing you know, it’s bigger than you can control.

  But God do I want to lie right now.

  I sit on the couch beside him. “What is it that you really want to know, buddy?”

  “Is Milo going to be my new dad?”

  I’ve never been more grateful for someone not being on time than right now. “You have a dad. He might not be here with us, but he’s always here.” I point to his heart. “He lives inside of us and as long as we talk about him, remember him, and smile when we think of your daddy, he’ll never be gone. No one will ever replace him, okay?”

  Parker’s arms wrap around my neck and he holds on tight. “You’re the best, Mommy.”

  “You’re the best.”

  He lets go, sits back as if nothing happened, and goes back to his comic.

  I stand to grab my phone to see where he is and the doorbell rings.

  “I got it!” Parker yells as he rushes to the door with me on his heels.

  “Parker,” Milo says with a grin.

  “Look what I got!” Parker holds up the comic.

  “Thor. Good choice.”

  “Mom got it for me today,” he explains.

  Milo’s eyes meet mine and then he travels the length of my body, taking in the very tight dress. “She did very well then.”

  “You’re late.”

  “I am. Do you forgive me?” He asks as he pulls roses from behind his back.

  Well, that helps a little. “Maybe.”

  He smirks. “I didn’t think you’d be an easy one.” Milo squats in front of Parker. “The reason I’m late is because I had my Mum send me a package, and I was waiting for the post to come. I had her dig for something I kept, and I’
d like to share it with you.”

  Then Milo steps out onto the porch and comes back with a bag. “This is for me?” Parker asks.

  “Yup.”

  My son lets out a scream as he pulls dozens of comics from the bag. Not just any comics though, it’s Spiderman, Thor, Batman, and Iron Man . . . the old comics. The ones that are probably worth money.

  “Milo,” I clear my throat. “This is very sweet, but he’s six, this is too much, and he could ruin—”

  “They’re his to do with as he pleases. I haven’t touched them in years, and I would like them to be enjoyed by someone who appreciates them.”

  “Still.”

  “Let me do something nice for your son, Danielle.” He leans in so only I can hear the next part. “I’ll be happy to let you do something nice for me in return.”

  For the love of God. “I’m eating dinner with you, that’s my nice deed.”

  “Barely.”

  “Mom, can I keep them?” Parker gives me the puppy dog eyes.

  Milo drops to his knees next to him, giving me the same face. “Yeah, Mum, can we?”

  “You two are trouble.”

  “The good kind, I hope,” Milo says.

  I laugh at that one. “Not even a little.”

  We say goodbye to Parker and then he goes up to annoy Ava with his comic books. I lock the door behind me and as soon as I turn, Milo is right in front of me. His hands wrap around my body and he pushes me so that my back is pressed against the door. Then his lips are on mine.

  I kiss him back, tasting the mint and loving the feel of his body against mine.

  He pulls back after a few more seconds, resting his forehead to mine. “You look absolutely perfect. I couldn’t wait another second to kiss you.”

  “Missed me that much?”

  He laughs once, lifts his eyes to mine, but the humor is gone. “I wish you weren’t so damn irresistible.”

  I rub my thumb against his lip, removing the red lipstick that was transferred. “Feeling is mutual.”

  We make our way to the car, both with smiles on our faces and our fingers intertwined. Milo is a gentleman, opening the car door for me and then walking around.

  He starts the car and then stops to look at me. “You find me utterly impossible to resist as well?”

  “I wouldn’t say impossible.” I don’t know that I should ever let him know how much I think of him.

  Mischief starts to swirl in his green eyes. “Would you care to make a wager on that?”

  “On what?”

  “On whether you can keep your knickers on ‘til the end of our date.”

  I roll my eyes. “Fine, what do we bet?”

  I’m totally winning this. First, Milo doesn’t know the depth of my competitive side. I never lose. I ate an entire jar of hot peppers on a dare once. I skinny dipped in a freezing cold pool because Heather bet me a hundred dollars I wouldn’t do it. There is nothing about this date that is impossible for me to resist. Do I like him? Yup. Do I want to have sex again? Abso-fucking-lutely. Will I if it means I will lose? Not a chance in hell.

  “If I win, which means we’re having some Earth shattering fucking tonight, you have to tell Callum about how good I am in bed.”

  Not even a possibility. “You want me to tell my boss how good you are in bed?”

  “No,” he corrects. “I want you to tell my wanker of a brother that I fuck better than you’ve ever had.”

  “Your brother is also my boss,” I point out.

  “Scared, are you?”

  “Of what? You going home with some blue balls?” I scoff. “Please. If I win you have to do something equally as mortifying.” I ponder what the best thing is. I could have him quit, but that’s not what I want. Milo makes coming to work exciting for me.

  Not just because I have these feelings for him, but he makes me smile.

  During the day I get funny notes and emails, showing he cares for me. I get to spend my time with him and I learn new little details each day. Things that would seem insignificant to anyone else, but that show me who he is.

  Which is why it’s been so easy to fall for him.

  “I’m not embarrassed by anything, sweetheart.”

  Such a load of shit. Everyone has limits. I try to remember something, anything, that I can use. And then I remember . . .

  “But you are afraid of something, aren’t you?”

  “Danielle,” he warns.

  “Yes, if I win, you have to take a video holding a sweet, cuddly little bunny rabbit.”

  “I’m going to fuck your brains out tonight,” Milo threatens.

  Really, I wonder if I shouldn’t lose just for . . . no, no, no, I must stay strong. “I wasn’t planning on taking my panties off for anyone tonight, so game on. I hope you’re ready for Thumper.”

  “Oh, I’m thumping something all right, but she’s in the car right now.”

  I smile, my hand resting on his leg and moving towards the bulge in his pants. “Tomorrow, you can make good on that promise.” I rub him a little bit. “But tonight, nothing in here is coming out.”

  Milo grips my wrist. “Game on, sweetheart. Game the fuck on.”

  Chapter Twenty-Three

  Milo

  Bloody hell I’m still fucking hard.

  We’re sitting at the table of some fancy restaurant Nicole recommended. The food is shit. They promised my favourite Italian dish, only it tasted nothing like it does in London. Not that the food is particularly fantastic there, but still.

  Now, I’m sitting here, thinking of all the ways to get Danielle in the bathroom where I can sink my cock in her.

  And I’m harder than I was before.

  She smiles over her wine glass as if she knows it’s me who is suffering with this bet.

  “I’m going to wipe that smile off your mouth,” I threaten her playfully.

  “Whatever you say,” she shrugs and then sips her wine.

  If that was the case, we wouldn’t be sitting at this table right now. I’d have her back at my flat, christening every surface we can find.

  “Be careful of the words you use,” I warn.

  Danielle shakes her head. Her dark brown hair falls around her face and I would appreciate it if I didn’t find everything she did fucking attractive. “I had no intentions of having sex tonight.”

  “Why in the bloody hell not?”

  I must’ve said that a bit louder than I thought because she leans close, her voice is low. “Because we’re going slow.”

  “Slow and reverse are two different things.”

  She sighs. “I know you’re not exactly working with a manual right now, but we’re on our first real date and all you’re worried about is getting in my pants.”

  Fucking hell. I hate it when she’s right. It’s rather annoying because instead of me telling her to piss off, I actually have to acknowledge it.

  “I’m sorry. I’ll behave so we can have a proper date. And that wasn’t the only thing I’m worried about,” I inform her. “I’m pretty sure I’ve debated just about everything from the beginning.”

  Which is true. I don’t know what the protocol on a first date with someone is. I wanted to get her flowers but worried it would be lame. Then I wasn’t sure if American girls like that sort of thing or if they like a man to play it cool. Honestly, this entire thing has been a fucking nightmare.

  Not the date itself. That’s all gone quite well, but the lead up I could’ve gone without.

  “Thank you.” She smiles warmly, and I mash my teeth together to stop from saying something stupid.

  “Tell me, am I allowed to kiss you goodnight?”

  Danielle reaches her hand across the table, her fingers tangling with mine. “I very much hope you do.”

  “Good. I’m barely keeping myself in my seat as it is.”

  “Milo, there aren’t rules or anything. It’s that we kind of did things a little ass backwards and I want to give us the best chance at working. What you did today with Parker, m
eant everything to me, I want you to know that.”

  Her words embarrass me a bit, because it was nothing, really. My mum has been complaining about my rubbish in her home. Sure, a few of these comic books were collector’s editions. I thought about keeping them, but I chose to give something that got me through a very difficult part of my life to someone who might need it.

  While Ava is me, literally, at that age, Parker will eventually get there. Maybe this will help even a little.

  “I’m happy to do it,” I tell her.

  Danielle grins at me, her lashes fluttering softly as the candlelight dances across her skin. “You keep this up, you might get lucky tomorrow.”

  Now it’s my turn to smirk. “Let’s just worry about getting through tonight. If I have my way, you’ll be naked in the car.”

  We make it through dinner with an easy conversation. She tells me about her time at university, and I tell her about London.

  I miss it.

  Not just because it’s home, but because Tampa is like being stuck in your bathroom after a four-hour long steam shower. It’s hot, muggy, and the insects are enormous. My plan was to be here for a few months, get my job back, and then quit. I’m well aware of the faults in that strategy, but I liked the idea of leaving my daft brother with his pants down.

  Of course, everything has changed now, and I don’t know when or if I’ll return to London.

  I pay the bill and take her hand as we exit the restaurant.

  “Dinner was wonderful,” Danielle says as she hooks her arm around mine.

  “It was.”

  “Have you been to the beach at night?”

  I haven’t been to the beach at all, really. I’m rather pale, so the idea of sitting out in the miserable heat and sun isn’t appealing to me.

  But the way her face lights up makes me think nighttime is different.

  “I haven’t had the time, why?”

  She smiles and sighs. “It’s my favorite. Would you like to go?”

  How could I possibly say no? “Sure.”

  We walk a few streets over and then she slips her heels off. I remove my shoes and then we make our way onto the sand.