If I Only Knew

by Corinne Michaels

“I love it here,” she muses as we approach the water.

  “I’m not that fond of the ocean.”

  “Really?” The surprise is clear in her voice.

  I wrap my arm around her waist, holding her tightly. “Not since my father died. He and my mother would take us on holiday to the beaches in France. We went every year, no matter what. After he died, we stopped all together.”

  Danielle stops walking and faces me. “I’m sorry, Milo.”

  “Don’t be, darling.”

  She steps closer to me, wrapping her arms around my waist. “I wish I could meet your mom. Nicole is terrified of her, but she’s an asshole, so most mothers don’t love her.”

  I laugh. “Mum is a lot like Nicole, I think. They’re unapologetic as to who they are.”

  “She said that.”

  “Which is why I think Callum fell for her so fast.”

  She rests her head on my chest. Without her heels, our height difference is funny. My head sits on the top of her head and we stand here.

  “I feel like I fell for you fast,” Danielle admits.

  “You do?”

  She nods against me. “I didn’t want to. I sometimes still don’t.” Her head lifts, and the world fades away as she looks at me as though I’m worthy of her affections. “If I fall hard, and you don’t catch me, I worry I won’t survive the landing.”

  My heart aches and I see how much her words cost her. My hands hold her face, and I vow right now, I will do anything to make her feel secure. “I will always break your fall, Danielle. I want to be your safety net, and I hope I’ve proven that to you. Seeing you hurt, causes me pain. You’re not the only one who’s falling.”

  “I’m not?”

  How is she so blind? “No. I’m all in.”

  She smiles, lifts up on her toes, and kisses me. “And you said you weren’t a hero.”

  I release a breath through my nose and rest my head against hers. “I guess I needed to find a cause worth fighting for.”

  Chapter Twenty-Four

  Danielle

  “I’m not hosting the barbeque this year,” I tell Nicole as she gives me her disapproving look.

  “Why not?”

  “Because I don’t feel like it.”

  Why do I need to have a reason? It’s stupid and I don’t need the damn stress.

  “You’re full of shit.” Nicole plops herself in the chair in my office.

  “Thanks for dropping by, Nic.”

  I don’t know why she’s even asking about it. Each year, she’d cry and complain about having to schlep all the way over to my house, deal with my stupid husband, and leave with a renewed desire to stay single. Heather would basically threaten her to get her to come—and behave. I thought if anyone would be happy about it being done, it would be her.

  “I’m not going anywhere. I fuck your boss, so I kind of have the fuck-you-very-much card.”

  I release a heavy sigh and bang my head on my desk. “Why have I not moved to Texas or some other state to escape you people?”

  “Friendependence Day is something we celebrate. I understood why we didn’t the year before because Kristin was dealing with her divorce. Then you cancelled Friendsgiving, which I accepted. I gave you another few months—”

  “Oh, burying my husband that year was a good excuse?”

  “Well, better than whatever shit you’re coming up with this year.”

  “Jesus Christ, Nicole. Do you have a soul or were you always this cold-hearted?”

  “Not really sure because both answers are equally scary.” Nicole shrugs while looking at her nails. “This year you need to do this.”

  “Oh, and why is that?”

  “Because your kids need to know that life goes on after loss. Ava, in all her crazy rebellion loves her aunts and cousins. Friendependence Day has been a staple in her life, Parker’s, Aubrey’s and Finn’s since they were born—and your friends’. We did this because you fucking forced us and now you need to continue on.”

  She’s got balls. I’ve always known this, but this is bold even for her. “Why do I have to host it?”

  Nicole runs her hand through the blonde hair I secretly hate out of jealousy. I spent a long time trying to dye mine that color and then gave up. “Because it was always you who hosted. Kristin could, but she’s traveling to see Noah for two weeks before it. Heather is talking about surprising Eli and we both know I’m the last person anyone should trust. Your house has always been where we did it.”

  “I really don’t want to do this,” I sigh.

  “Why, Danni?”

  Why? Because Friendependence Day was Peter’s thing. Even though my friends were definitely not always nice to him, he loved it. I swear, as soon as New Year’s was over, he was talking about new ideas to set up the yard.

  “You know why. You know why this stupid barbeque is hard for me.”

  “Yes, but it’s all the more reason why you should still do it.”

  “Should do what?” Milo asks at the door of my office.

  I look to my friend to bail me out. It’s not like it’s a secret, but I can’t exactly explain my way out of it either.

  “You know . . .” Nicole grins and gets to her feet. “You’re her assistant still, right?”

  Milo’s eyes narrow a bit. “Yes?”

  “Great. We hold a big barbeque each year where the whole gang comes, the kids, significant others and all that. Danielle hosts it, and this year, she’ll need some help.”

  “Nicole!” I hiss her name through my teeth.

  I want to throat punch her.

  “What? He’s your assistant, he can assist so it’s not too much for you. You were just saying that you were super busy. I see a problem and I fix it.”

  I look at Milo who is clearly confused. “You don’t have to do any of this because we’re not having it.”

  “Why ever not?” he asks.

  Great, now I have to explain it to him? I haven’t held back on mentioning Peter, but it’s not been long since we started dating. Our relationship is new and I’m trying to be sensitive to how I would feel if he was always bringing things back to his ex. Last weekend was an amazing first date—and I won the bet—but we’ve been slammed with work since then and we haven’t spent much time outside of the office.

  Milo hasn’t said anything or even implied it’s an issue, but I happened to have mentioned my fear to Nicole the other day. Seems I’m going to pay for it now.

  “Yes, why, Danni?” She smiles at me knowing I won’t say it.

  “I just don’t think you should have to do things like this. It’s not a Dovetail event so . . .”

  Milo sits beside Nicole. “Bollocks.”

  “God, I love that word,” Nicole’s voice is wistful. “You say it even better than Callum. His accent is fading here and there since we’ve been in the states. Say fuck.”

  Milo chuckles. “Fuck.”

  “Oh.” She squirms. “Say knickers.”

  “Knickers,” Milo repeats.

  “Say, I’ll help Danielle with the party because I’m not a wanker.”

  I groan. “I’m pissed at you. It’s bad enough you’re pretty, but then you have to be a pushy bitch and not listen to the people around you.”

  She was blessed with big boobs, blue eyes, and blonde hair. Not to mention, she’s skinny, smart, funny, and has never needed anyone to take care of her. Pair all that with her personality and it’s no wonder it took a man like Callum to catch her attention.

  “Milo will throw us a proper party.” Nicole winks. “I can speak British, too.”

  He bursts out laughing.

  At least someone finds her entertaining. “You laugh now, but I give you a week with her and you’ll find her as irritating as I do.”

  “If Cal hasn’t grown tired of her by this point, I’m sure I wouldn’t.”

  She smirks at me with her head tilted. “I totally picked the wrong brother.”

  A pang of jealousy strikes me because if Nicole want
ed him then I never would’ve gotten him.

  And then a new wave of emotions flood. When did I start thinking of him as mine? Why does the idea of Nicole and Milo make me want to rip out her eyes? She’s my friend. She never would do anything, but I’m sitting here, balling my hands into fists.

  “Sorry, love.” Milo looks at me and then Nicole. “I prefer brunettes. One in particular.”

  I look down at the papers on my desk, trying to hide my face. He can be so sweet sometimes.

  “Awww,” she claps her hands together. “You guys are so cute. Okay, about the barbeque . . .”

  Sure enough, after five minutes, Nicole got her way and I’m hosting this stupid party with Milo coordinating it. Does everyone around me enjoy tormenting me? I’m sure the answer is yes. I can’t wait for Ava, Milo, and Nicole to be together . . . said me never.

  “Explain to me your friends’ . . . whatever-you-call-it party?” Milo asks as we sit on my couch.

  His arm is draped across the back, allowing his fingers to graze my arm. “It’s something we started when I moved into this house. We get together, eat, drink . . . it’s not a big deal.”

  “Then why the fuss about doing it?”

  “It’s . . . complicated.”

  “Because of your husband?”

  My eyes meet his and fill with regret. “Yes. A little.”

  Milo scratches his cheek, seeming to ponder something. “Did you not want to tell me that?”

  “I’m trying not to talk about him. I know we’re in this new relationship and . . . he’s gone.”

  Milo moves closer. “He was your life. You have children together, and whether I like the fact that another man existed before me, is irrelevant. I’m not jealous of Peter.”

  My throat goes dry and I place my hand on his. “I don’t know what to say . . .”

  “Look, I may not know anything about dating, but I know something about honesty. Have I made you feel as though I’m bothered by it?”

  “No,” I say quickly. “Not at all. I just know how you talking about Kandi made me feel, I don’t want Peter to be that way for you.”

  He gives me a slow smile. “Kandi was here and a possibility. Peter is gone. He has your past. I can’t ever get that time. But if another bastard wants to try to come in now and take you away from me, I’ll kick the fucking shit out of him.”

  “Good to know,” I giggle.

  “But seriously, it hasn’t been that long since he was killed. You’re in the middle of his murderer’s trial, and it would be rather unfair of me to expect it to be as though he was never in your mind, don’t you think?”

  The feelings I have for Milo grow deeper each day. It’s crazy how much he’s managed to locate the cracks in my heart and find his way through.

  “You like me,” I sigh and rest my head on his arm.

  “I do. Quite a bit.”

  “I like you too.”

  Milo leans forward and kisses me. “I know.”

  “Do you now?”

  “It’s rather clear.”

  I lift my head. “How so?”

  His smirk makes me want to both slap him and kiss him. “First, you can’t stop looking at me, not that I blame you.”

  “Ass.”

  “Second,” he continues on without replying to my insult. “You kiss me any chance you get. Again, not that I can fault you there either.”

  “Oh, Lord. Is there more to this?”

  Milo chuckles and brushes his fingers across my cheek. “Lastly, you had me come over when both kids are at sleepovers tonight, and you’re not wearing your wedding ring anymore,” his voice drops low and husky.

  “I took it off the other day,” I admit.

  “I noticed.”

  Of course he did, he notices everything. “I thought it was time. I . . . I want this with you, and I want my past to feel resolved, you know?”

  He nods. “I didn’t want to push you, Danielle.”

  And he didn’t. That’s the thing. It wasn’t him, it was me. I was ready. “Maybe you were right about me liking you, huh?”

  Milo grins, his finger slides against my jaw. “I have a feeling you want to show me just how much you like me tonight, don’t you?”

  My stomach clenches and my heart begins to race. He’s right. As soon as I knew both kids would be gone for the night, I called Milo to come over. Since the desk sex, we haven’t been together. He’s been sweet and hasn’t said a word, but I’ve been dying.

  “Maybe. If you behave,” I say.

  “I’m not sure I know how to do that.”

  I smile. “I’m not sure you do either.”

  “Are you hungry?” he asks.

  “For what?”

  Milo’s grin turns mischievous and he grabs my legs, pulling me flat to the couch. He hovers over me. “Why don’t you tell me what you want and I’ll do my best to accommodate your request.”

  I lift my fingers, grazing his face, loving that he shaved yesterday but the dark stubble is already there. “You make me feel these things,” I confess.

  “What things?”

  He’s been open regarding his feelings, and now, I’m going to do the same. Milo gives me hope again. It’s something I cherish, crave, and I want him to know what it means to me.

  “My heart races when you’re near. My mouth goes dry when I see you for the first time in the morning at work. Everything feels easier when you’re around. Since you came into my life, I’ve smiled again. You make me happy, Milo.” Tears form, but I hold them back, not wanting to feel even more exposed.

  His lips touch mine in the sweetest kiss. “I’m trying so hard not to fall in love with you.”

  I look up, our eyes mirroring the same thing. “I’m trying too.”

  “How are you doing so far?”

  “Not very good.”

  Milo smiles. “I’m not either.”

  I move my thumb across his bottom lip. “What do you think we should do about it?”

  He gets to his feet, hooks his one arm under my legs and the other cradles my back. “Which way to your room?”

  My arms wrap around his neck and I smile. “Upstairs.”

  Chapter Twenty-Five

  Danielle

  Milo sets me on the bed and I tremble a little.

  In my office, it was one thing. That’s not my home and it sure as fuck wasn’t a bed. This is a place where I shared my life with someone. My kids live here, and I’m welcoming him into that in some ways.

  “You understand this means something?” I ask, giving him an out.

  “I do.”

  “We don’t go back from this point. We’re a couple or whatever you want to call it.”

  Milo leans onto the bed with his arms on each side of me. “I’m not going anywhere.”

  I really hope not.

  “What about your job? What do we do about the fact that you can’t continue to work for me?”

  “Danielle,” Milo’s voice is soft. “No more talking.”

  My pulse is pounding like a drum in my ear. “Kiss me.”

  He takes his time, unlike before, measuring each inch as he gets closer. My breathing quickens as the anticipation builds. If he doesn’t kiss me soon, I’m going to lose my mind.

  I move toward him, gripping the back of his neck tenderly, and close the gap.

  When our lips touch, I moan. He kisses me softly but still ardently. I can feel the desire coming off him in waves.

  “Fuck, you’re bloody perfect,” he says and then pushes me back toward the head of the bed.

  Milo crawls his way toward me. I lie there as his weight settles on top of me. I can feel his cock against my center and my head spins.

  I remember how good he was before, and that he most definitely knows how to use it. I’ve craved his touch since that day, and I’m hoping I get plenty of it tonight.

  “No, I’m not.”

  He pushes my hair back. “You are to me.”

  My heart swells and I bring my lips back to his.
I love the way he tastes, smells, and feels against me. I love how when he looks at me, I feel strong and wanted. I love that Milo is sweet to me but remains professional with the others. It’s crazy because if I told people what he’s like, they’d never believe it.

  Only I get the real him.

  There are no walls between us. He is who he is, and I can be me.

  Relationships like that don’t happen to many people, let alone twice in one lifetime.

  He breaks the kiss, looking down at me. “I’ve never made love to anyone, sweetheart, but I want to tonight.”

  I smile. “I want that too.”

  “Are you sure?”

  “Absolutely.”

  Milo pushes up to his knees, and pulls me with him. My fingers slowly undo each button of his shirt, and then push it off his shoulders.

  He lifts my shirt, exposing my breasts, and makes a low groan from his throat.

  I watch him climb off the bed. “Stand up,” he orders.

  My chest is tight, but I do as he says.

  “Take off your trousers,” Milo tells me.

  “I’d rather take yours off.”

  He smiles and raises a brow. “By all means.”

  I start to undo the buckle and his hands tangle in my hair as he crashes his lips to mine.

  Milo kisses me like I’m the air he’s desperate for. Time doesn’t exist right now, and I’m under his spell.

  My fingers struggle more, but I finally get the button free as his lips stay fused to mine. Milo’s tongue plunges in my mouth, and we duel for power. He, of course, wins.

  Milo’s fingers hook in my pants and he pushes them down.

  When I can’t breathe, he releases me.

  He drops lower, eyes staying on mine, as he removes them completely, then steps out of his.

  We’re bared to each other, completely exposed.

  Neither of us move as we take in this moment. “Do you trust me?” he asks.

  “Yes.”

  “Then let me make you feel good.” He tucks my hair behind my ears. “Give me your heart.”

  “You have it,” I reply.

  He took it when I wasn’t even aware it was up for grabs.