That Christmas Eve: A Brother’s Best Friend Baby Romance

by Ford, Mia

  “That’s okay. Please come into the front room. I can get us some drinks or whatever…”

  He gives me a funny look and I know exactly what he means. Things have never been so strained between us before. But then I haven’t ever kept a secret from him before, so I suppose that makes sense.

  “Yeah, a drink… that would be awesome. Thank you.”

  He takes a seat and I race into the bathroom, wondering how the hell I’m going to make sure this doesn’t all fall apart. Already I’m crumbling, and we haven’t even spoken yet.

  Get it together, I warn myself. Please… hold it together, Paisley. You need to.

  19

  Josiah

  I don’t realize that I’m still holding the flowers like an idiot until my butt hits the couch and I look at them in my hands. It really does feel like I have misjudged the situation as I sit here in my suit, looking like I’m here on a freaking date or something, whereas Paisley is more casual but that’s okay. I can work with this.

  I can’t help it; I want to pick things up where we left off. The middle bit doesn’t even matter anymore.

  “Have you just come from work?” Paisley asks in a silky smooth voice as she hands me a drink.

  “Er, yes.” I hand her back the bunch of flowers. “I got these for you.”

  “Hmm, right.” She stares at them like she doesn’t quite know what to do with them. “Thank you, these are really beautiful. You didn’t need to go through all the trouble though…”

  “I know, but I wanted to.” I smile at her, trying to reassure her. “I like your place.”

  She glances around as if she’s just remembered where we are. “It’s quite bare. Even though I’ve been here for a while I haven’t really had the time to make it look as I want. I guess interior design isn’t my strong suit.”

  “Yeah, it took me a while to get settled into my place as well.” I nod along as I speak as if I know what the hell I’m talking about. “After living in the orphanarium it was so hard to get settled.”

  “Yeah, I bet. It must have been a massive shock. But I’m sure you’re used to it now.”

  The small talk already feels like it’s running dry, which is hardly surprising since we haven’t ever really been the ‘small talk’ type of people. We used to talk about everything and anything without hesitation. I’m sure that we’ll eventually get there once more, once the three years disintegrates.

  “So, do you like it here?” I ask, trying to keep the flow going a bit. “I thought you were further away.”

  “I was, for a bit,” she admits. “But right now, this is where I have ended up.”

  “You left for a job, right?” I feel compelled to ask. I still want to know all the details.

  “Er, right. A job.” She doesn’t sound too sure which makes me wonder if there’s more to this. “I got a job and obviously, I erm, wasn’t doing much with that retail thing, was I? So, it made a lot of sense.”

  “Hmm, yes, so how was the job? Did you enjoy it? Was it worth leaving for?”

  Shit. As her face falls and flames a deep shade of red I realize that I have pushed her too far. I shouldn’t have gone in so hard and fast so soon. I’m just so desperate for answers, but this is so delicate. I need to be so careful if I don’t want to snap the delicate twine that we’re balancing upon.

  “I’m going to make some more drinks.” She jumps up from her seat and practically runs from the room. “And some biscuits too, I’ll be right back. Just erm, yeah wait there I won’t be long.”

  Yep. That wasn’t a good idea. I have sent her to the edge. Guilt crushes me, I hold my head in my hands while Paisley makes a big deal of banging around in the kitchen. I’ve fucked it. Any minute now she will come back in here and ask me to leave because I’ve been an asshole. She left me for a reason, I shouldn’t push it.

  “Sorry about that.” She comes back in with a much too bright smile. “It’s just a little weird talking about the past. It makes me uncomfortable. I know I have some explaining to do and…”

  “No, you don’t have to explain anything.” I back track immediately. “It’s okay, I understand.”

  She perches on her seat and rolls the biscuit packet on the table. “I do want to explain it to you, it’s just very complicated. It involves my parents which, as you know, is always a nightmare.”

  I lean forward, resting my elbows on my knees. Do I dare ask another question? I so want to but I’m so frightened of pushing her away from me, it’s terrifying. “Did…” Shit, I can’t help myself. “Did your parents make you leave?” I don’t know what’s wrong with me, why I can’t resist. “Don’t answer if you don’t want to.”

  “They did.” She nods determinedly. “It was all a very messy situation that I will explain to you at some point. But, if it’s okay with you, I would rather not go fully into it tonight.”

  I nod, completely understanding. I can pretty much figure out what happened from this. Paisley was pressured by her parents to get her career started, that had probably been going on for a while, and then Adam found out about us, or at least strongly suspected, and he put the pressure on. He wanted to split us up, so he made their parents sent her away. The sickness just gave them a chance to do it.

  It’s a real shame and it makes me feel even worse for not going to find her. She was probably too scared to come back and spent all her time waiting for me. It’s gutting, but I’m glad that we’ve made it here now.

  “Yes, of course. We don’t have to talk about anything right now. Or we can discuss whatever you want, sorry if it seems like I’m pushing you too far, I’m just… well, I’m excited to see you again.”

  Her face breaks out in to a grin. She can’t seem to help it. “I am excited to see you too.”

  “It was crazy to see you at the wedding. I was expecting it, but it was wild too. And you looked so beautiful in that dress of yours. Wow.” The compliments are flying out of my mouth now.

  She shifts from side to side, almost struggling under the weight of my compliments. I don’t think she has ever seen herself as beautiful as she really is, which only makes her even more endearing to me.

  “Thank you, and you looked really nice too. You still do.”

  God, I wish that I was on the same seat as her. If I was, I’d slide closer to her right now and try and spark things up again. I would rest my arm on her shoulder and try to maybe recreate that feeling where we almost kissed. Only it wouldn’t be almost this time. I would make it happen this time around.

  I want it and I’m pretty sure that she does too. In fact, I’m positive she does. Even though Paisley is hesitant I can see it in her eyes. There is definitely something remaining between us.

  “Has Adam gone off on his honeymoon now?” Urgh, I cringe as soon as I ask this. Bringing up her brother at a time like this will only remind her how strange it is for us to be here.

  “Yeah, he went this morning actually,” she answers fluidly, not seeing it as a faux pas. “He and Sian will be gone for a couple of weeks now. I’m sure they will have a good time.”

  “Do you think they will come back pregnant?” I joke. “A honeymoon baby.”

  I only meant this as a silly comment, but it makes Paisley flinch. There must be something in this area that freaks her out, but I don’t know what it is. I seem to keep making stupid remarks, I need to walk on egg shells, to be careful what I’m saying. Even though it’s hard for me to work out what’s right and wrong.

  “Anyway,” I cough. “That’s good. He seems really happy now that he’s married.”

  “Mhmm, yeah, you’re right.” Paisley agrees with me. “He deserves this happiness.”

  There is a small bumping sound upstairs. At least, I think it’s coming from upstairs. I dart my eyes upwards, trying to work out what it might be, but Paisley doesn’t seem to notice. I have to assume that maybe it’s a cat or something. Or it might have even come from another house I’m not sure. It hardly matters anyway; I’m only focusing on it because I don
’t know what the hell to say next. If I’m honest, this isn’t going to plan at all. I thought it would be so much easier to get back into the swing of things with Paisley.

  I’m disappointed, I can’t deny it. I want that magic back between us that was there before and I’m far too impatient to wait for it to come back naturally. We have already lost three years; I don’t want to lose more.

  “So…” I start to speak again but am silenced when the bumping starts up again. There is definitely something up there. I really do hope that it’s a pet of some kind rather than an escaped pest. That would be a nightmare.

  This time, Paisley seems to notice the sound. All the color drains from her face which is very confusing. She bolts out of the room looking wild, like a mad woman, and I can’t help being intrigued. Without really thinking about the consequences of my actions, I stand too, and I follow her. It doesn’t even occur to me that this might be none of my business and I should keep my nose out. I just want to know what’s going on…

  Oh! I don’t know what to think as I see Paisley crouched down, talking to a small boy on the stairs. I assumed it would be something furry, not a real life human. I don’t know what I think about this really, all the feelings and emotions simply drain away from me, leaving me a husk, an empty shell.

  “Okay, sweetie,” she says to him in a sweet, soft voice. “It’s too late for you to be awake now. I need you to go back to bed or we won’t be able to do anything fun in the morning.”

  “Will you come with me?” the boy whines, thankfully not noticing me. I don’t have a scrap of experience with children, I wouldn’t even know where to begin with him. Aside from in the orphanarium when I was a child myself, I haven’t been around kids at all. Not on purpose, I don’t think, that’s just the way it’s happened. I certainly don’t want this to be my first experience because I’m not prepared at all.

  “Er, yes, I will come with you,” Paisley answers. “You just head upstairs and give me a moment. I need to… turn something off, that’s all. I don’t want to leave anything dangerous now, do I?”

  I slide back into the living room, not wanting to be caught spying. I feel all weird now, my stomach keeps flopping over like I might puke at any given moment. This is all so unexpected, I don’t know what to make of it.

  I take my seat back on the couch and try to look far more nonchalant than I actually feel. There has to be some explanation for this, it must be different to what it looks. The last thing I need to do is jump to conclusions. I need to just sit here calmly and wait until Paisley comes in to tell me exactly what’s going on…

  But as her head peeps around the door, I can tell by the expression on her face that I’m not going to like whatever she has to say. My world turns completely upside down, this changes everything. I start to see the woman that I love through different eyes now and that’s almost the worst thing that could happen.

  “I erm, I just need to put Freddie to bed. I will be right back if that’s okay with you.”

  I nod as if I understand that completely, almost as if I’m going to completely accept it, but then I start talking. The words just keep coming out of my control. It’s like I’ve switched my brain off completely.

  “Who is Freddie? Are you, like, a child minder or something?”

  She pauses for what feels like an eternity before she shakes her head. “Er no, Freddie is mine actually and I really need to get him up to bed before he starts whining. Because once that starts, he doesn’t stop.”

  She shuts the door behind her and vanishes from view, changing my whole world perception as she goes. She isn’t the girl I once spent time with, the one I had fun with, the care free woman that I thought she was last night.

  She’s a mother. I can’t quite wrap my head around those words. Paisley is a mom.

  She has a child; she is responsible for a whole human life. I cannot even imagine what that is like. I might be thirty-one years old but I haven’t felt any sign of my biological clock ticking and this doesn’t change things.

  Or does it? Do I only want to have children with Paisley?

  I quickly dismiss that thought because it really doesn’t matter. She already has a child with another man. And actually, thinking about her upbringing and her family, I know for a fact that Paisley wouldn’t have a child out of wed lock. It just ‘isn’t done’ in her world, which means she must have a husband somewhere.

  Here I am, all idiotically thinking that the pining over her for the last three years will all be worth it when we pick things off where we left off, and she has a husband. No wonder she has been acting all nervous, I can understand why now she’s ignoring the chemistry between us. It makes sense why Adam doesn’t ever mention her – I just thought it was because he knew about us, but it’s also because she has her own life.

  One that never has, and never will include me.

  I feel all stupid and wrong footed like I don’t want to be here anymore. If Paisley has just brought me here to eventually tell me her life story which involves her new husband, then I don’t want to hear it. I won’t be able to handle it. It will leave me feeling sillier and smaller than I do already. Bile fills my mouth, it wants to spill out, I want to vomit. I got hope when I saw Paisley at the wedding, I thought that I could have my life back again, but I was wrong. That was a pipe dream that’s about to be shattered in to a million pieces.

  I rise from the seat and creep towards the stairs. There’s a little piece of me that thinks this might all be a joke and, in a minute, Paisley is going to laugh at the shocked look on my face, breaking the awkward tension that has been between us all night long, making me feel really damn strange.

  “Go to sleep, baby.,” Her voice floats down the stairs “Mommy is here.”

  Okay, yep. It’s no joke. My heart sinks into my shoes. There is no way she would include some innocent child in a trick and she doesn’t even know that I’m listening anyway. That’s why Paisley is uncomfortable around me. She has a child; she has a husband – probably someone she met not long after she left me – I am just some remnant from the past that she needs to get rid of. So, I will make it easy for her.

  I can’t yell up the stairs, it’s best that the child doesn’t know that I’m here. I don’t want him telling his dad that his mom had some strange man in the house, causing issues for her later on. So, I take what I know is the cowardly way, but it also feels like the best way right now, and I sneak out her front door, leaving her behind.

  As the cold night air hits me, reality hits too, and it isn’t a nice reality. Me and Paisley were never meant to be, if we were we would have found a way to make it happen. I just convinced myself because I wanted it so much. I allowed myself to become a desperate loser who didn’t give anyone a chance because of her.

  We were only together for a few short months. She has clearly moved on. I am delusional and need to do the same before it kills me. I don’t want to be alone forever, just drifting, so it’s time to get a grip.

  I stare up at the house one last time before I turn away, vowing never ever to return. This is my closure now, and I did tell myself that was one of the things that I wanted. I might not have meant it but that’s exactly what I’m stuck with. So, I will work with that and I will turn things around.

  One way or another, I will make myself okay again. I will recover from this.

  20

  Paisley

  “Okay, Freddie, goodnight.” I kiss the top of his head one last time, relieved that he’s finally gone to sleep. Unfortunately, my plan not to let Josiah know that I have a baby has back fired, but it isn’t the end of the world. I can just play it down though; I don’t need to completely derail myself. “I’ll see you in the morning.”

  I creep out of my son’s room, desperately trying not to make any noise so I don’t wake him, and I pause in the hallway with my head rested up against the wall, just trying to cool myself down. I’m going to have to face Josiah eventually and come up with some explanation that makes sense to him
.

  You can do this, I tell myself, trying to reassure myself. It’s going to be okay.

  But still, my steps are slow as I walk down the stairs. I’m well aware that he can probably hear me and he’s wondering what on earth is wrong with me, but that doesn’t make me speed up. I’m just trying my hardest to roll my shoulders back, to hold my head up high, and to be confident. So, I’m a mom, does that matter? If it puts him off even having a conversation with me, then that speaks volumes, doesn’t it? It means that Maddie was right about me not letting him in right away because he simply cannot be trusted. Me and Freddie don’t need that.

  “Sorry about that,” I say in a breezy tone as I stroll back into the living room. “He was just…”

  But my sentence falls away because I find myself talking to no one. Just an empty couch. The butt print of where he was sitting not so long ago remains, but not him. Instead of allowing myself to freak out, I head into the kitchen, hoping that I have just caught him at a moment where he has gone into another room. That’s no big deal, even if he’s snooping around. There isn’t anything more shocking than Freddie he can discover.

  “Josiah?” Now my mind is beginning to spin around. “Josiah, where are you?”

  No one answers. My voice echoes off in to the distance. No one is answering me. I race to the front door and swing it open, but there is still no one there. It doesn’t settle over me right away, but eventually, it cracks over my head like an egg and creeps down my back in an icy way. He’s gone. Josiah isn’t here anymore. He realized that I have a child and he ran away without even saying goodbye like a scared little rat.

  What the fuck? I lean forward and grip on to my stomach, pain radiating through my whole system. This is way worse than me being stripped away from Josiah, this is him choosing to reject me. He doesn’t want me.