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Gen Goldman
9/24/19
to Ava
I don’t know why I didn’t think of this before! I’m a single, queer woman from a dysfunctional family! I crave love but I push it away. What will love me unconditionally, but also not that much?
A FUCKING CAT
I spent like three hours last night looking up cats for adoption on Instagram. I flagged a bunch of them, but then fate intervened. Around six this morning, I heard the most horrifying sound of my life. (And I’ve attended a cappella concerts.) It was a mix between a screech and a moan that was at the highest register a human ear can process.
I immediately assumed alien invasion. (Or horrible neighbor sex.) So I put on a sweatshirt and ventured outside to be teleported somewhere with better city infrastructure. But instead of spotting a UFO, I locked eyes with my soul mate: Tabby. That’s right, I’m gonna call her Tabby. Because it’s cute and it’s too much pressure to think of anything else.
Tabby is a feral feline who is clearly looking for a partner in crime. I tried to approach her, but she’s too smart to trust a stranger. After work I’m gonna pick up cat food and milk to leave out on my porch.
She’s a wild one alright, but I’m going to tame her.
G
12:32 PM
Couple of questions and concerns.
Shoot.
Cats can’t actually drink milk. That’s just misinformation from cartoons.
No way!
I’m googling.
12:35 PM
Holy fuck.
I almost killed Tabby!
What do mean you’re going to trap her?
She will just be an outdoor cat that you feed?
Where’s the love in that?! I’m gonna trap her in a trap and bring her to the vet.
Vets are expensive.
I’m gonna trap her and bring her inside.
She’s a wild animal!
No.
She’s a cat.
Can’t you just sleep with someone inappropriate if you have to act out?
Who says I can’t do both!
This cat is going to hurt you.
Like I haven’t been hurt before!
Wow. That’s like Ava-level sad.
2:37 PM
I’m afraid of cats.
I know bb
Tabby is different.
That’s what they all say.
THE HUNGER GAMES
Ava Helmer
9/24/19
to Gen
Things have changed. And they’ve changed fast. It’s only day two of tapings and all the interns have turned on each other. You should see the amount of brown nosing. Lacie would win a medal if anyone could get to her through all the shit on her face.
I’m still in shock. Dana complimented Halona’s nail beds today. Is it even possible to have a certain kind of nail bed???
Halona announced that at least one intern will be getting a full-time position before the holidays. I think she is trying to instigate psychological warfare for her own enjoyment. I don’t even want to work here long term! I want to work in scripted, but now that I could potentially work here long term it’s all I think about. (Since Halona made the announcement after a very liquid lunch.)
This whole thing makes my (possible) situation with Ben even more complicated. Now he has the power to actually influence my career. If people find out we are involved and then I get the position, it’s going to look like I slept my way to the top! (Even though we have yet to have intercourse or even heavy petting.)
Instead of hanging out after the show, everyone went home immediately to “get some rest.” Dana is practicing his stand-up in the next room. It is surprisingly misogynistic for a boy named Dana.
Maybe I’m worrying about something that won’t even happen since Ben has yet to call or text me. What if I make it to my deathbed, sad and alone, and learn everything could have been different if I was a better kisser???
I’m gonna call my parents.
A
Re: THE HUNGER GAMES
Gen Goldman
9/24/19
to Ava
AVA. IF YOU WILL JUST LET ME KISS YOU I CAN ASSURE YOU THAT YOU ARE A GOOD KISSER! UNLESS YOU LET ME KISS YOU I WILL BE UNABLE TO ASSUAGE YOUR FEARS. I’M NOT ASKING FOR ME, I’M BEGGING FOR YOU.
You can’t stay on late-night TV. You have too many stories to tell that take longer than an opening monologue.
On a brighter note, Tabby ate the food I put out! Or at least I think it was Tabby. Might have been a raccoon. But, hey, raccoons need to eat too!
Back to my seventh hour of watching Hannibal on Amazon. And to think, I used to be somebody. (I am so alone.)
Give your parents a messy kiss for me!
G
Wed, Sep 25, 10:32 AM
I know what I’ve been doing wrong?
It was just one thing??
Ha. Ha.
I’ve been treating my workplace like an office when I should have been treating it like THE OFFICE (2005–2013).
Not really following.
PRANKS AVA
I’M TALKING ABOUT PRANKS
You shouldn’t be!
This is a real job.
Not the greatest sitcom of our time.
Agree to disagree.
You’re such a Toby.
How dare you!
I’m Angela.
DWIGHT YOU IGNORANT SLUT
Gen Goldman
9/25/19
to Ava
I did it. I cracked these people. After eighteen years of working here (roughly two weeks) I have finally made an impression. (Actually maybe the problem is I made too much of an impression. I always catch Phyllis looking at my nose ring.)
Instead of eating lunch in my car, like I do most days so it looks like I have somewhere to go, I stayed behind and put air horns on everyone’s chairs. So when they sat down, the horn blew.
Beau sat down first. HUGE success. His scream was piercing. Floyd followed and almost had a heart attack. I figured everyone would start checking under their chairs, but then I remembered I was in the South. These people don’t learn from others’ mistakes!
EVERY SINGLE PERSON SAT DOWN (aka Saul and Grady).
By the time Grady collapsed into his leather throne, people were crying from laughing so hard. Myself included.
Looks like I’m not just some techy dyke after all. (No one has said “dyke” with their mouths, but they have said it with their eyes. If they only knew how many dudes have been up in me. Floyd would have an actual heart attack.)
I’m going to put rulers in their desks tomorrow so they can’t open their drawers. Turning out to be a VERY productive week!
Gen Halpert
9:43 PM
How do you get away with this stuff???
I have an incredible personality.
And naturally fit body.
You should have been fired.
For a little air horn action???
Please.
I bet the fastest way for me to get a raise is to put an alligator in the kitchen.
DO NOT DO THAT.
Grady already knows how to wrestle them. He talks about it all the time.
I’m afraid of Florida.
I know bb.
VIP BABY
Ava Helmer
9/25/19
to Gen
The craziest thing just happened. Well, the craziest thing is going to happen. Apparently Halona attended some benefit last night about the importance of female leadership and she has decided she needs a mentee (mostly for appearances). Ben suggested me and now she wants to take me to lunch tomorrow to “sniff out” what I’m really made of. WHAT AM I MADE OF?! I’VE ALWAYS BEEN TOO AFRAID TO KNOW.
I can’t stop shaking. Probably because I don’t know if Ben honestly thinks I’ll be the best mentee or if he feels bad for making out with me, or he
wants to make out with me more? (He wants to celebrate tonight at his place.)
This is crazy. I’m going to go to lunch with Halona McBride???? What if I get something in my teeth that I can’t get out?? (I’m obviously going to get something in my teeth, but the real issue is not being able to get it out. Because then I just look like someone who knows she has something in her teeth and doesn’t care. Actually … maybe that is cool. I should stop buying emergency toothpicks.)
I have so many questions for her! What was SNL like?? How does a woman make it in a man’s world? Is she really getting a divorce? (God, I hope I don’t ask that last one, but I’m afraid it’s going to come spilling out of me along with my entire life story.)
WHAT DO I WEAR?!
Maybe I’ll ask Ben. He has very good taste. And they seem to have some sort of special relationship, as in, he is the only person I’ve never seen her yell at.
Is something in the air today? Why are we both having the best day of our professional lives? (Please don’t tell me it has to do with “our sign.” I’d be more likely to believe magic air.)
None of the other interns know yet. If I end up dead in an alley, question Lacie first.
Ava Helmer
Potential Mentee to the Stars
Re: VIP BABY
Gen Goldman
9/25/19
to Ava
Relax! Halona McBride is a person just like anyone else. She farts! She poops! She probably has even had spinach stuck in her perfect veneers. She’s going to love you. And if she doesn’t then she’s just as crazy as she appeared on Good Morning America. (I didn’t buy that she-took-Ambien-by-accident story for a second!)
Do you remember what her eyes looked like? It was worse than Winona at the SAG Awards! (Free Winona!)
In regards to Benjamin, I’m worried he’s going to give you emotional whiplash. Kiss. Ignore. Overwhelm with nice gesture. Sleep with your mom. Profit.
Maybe put off celebrating with him until after your lunch? So he can’t take full credit?
TO BE CLEAR: I totally support you using Ben to advance your career. Just make sure you play him before he plays you.
I think I’m gonna text Coralee. I’m on a real high from that air horn prank.
BAH-BAH-BAH-BAAAAAH (air horn noise)
G
9:45 PM
Don’t ask me where I am.
Okay.
10:14 PM
I’m at Ben’s.
Duh.
11:57 PM
I’ve made a huge mistake.
I’m trying to do the same.
But Coralee is real hot and cold.
She’s not hot and cold. She’s straight!
Give your immediate superior a kiss for me!
GOOD LUCK ON YOUR FANCY LIFE-CHANGING LUNCH TODAY!!!
Gen Goldman
9/26/19
to Ava
Also, did you bone Ben?
ENOUGH ABOUT YOU.
As you know, my social life has been nil since I’ve arrived in swampy, desolate Florida. My deepest relationship has been formed with a feral cat who remains impervious to my charms (and hands). At around 9:30PM, I texted Miss Coralee to ask her to meet me at GOTCHA for a two-for-one whiskey shot evening. (It’s not that special. They have that deal every night. I think the whiskey is very watered down.) A half-hour later, she responded, “I’m already here. Where r u?”
This was confusing because she had not confirmed plans at all. So I “scooted my boot” over there fast as I could, only to find her surrounded by a bevy of five o’clock shadows. This was great news because nothing ups my game more than competition.
One of the five o’clock shadows was actually pretty cute but I already had my eye on the little lady. (Turns out, I like guys in cowboy hats, but only when they’re not talking.)
I grabbed us four whiskey shots and moseyed my way into the center of the circle, handing two to Coralee who giggled like a schoolgirl. I realized then that she was absolutely sitting on one of their laps. (Bold!) After downing the shots like a champ, I announced I had to pee. Coralee announced she had to pee as well (playing right into my hands). We went to the bathroom together, which is pretty much first base for lesbians.
After we listened to each other pee, she put on waaaaaay too much lip gloss while she told me I should totally wear my hair down sometimes. I would have kissed her right there if I wasn’t worried we’d get stuck (it was A LOT of lip gloss).
We spent the rest of the night looking at each other and laughing while the boys tried to impress us. I beat her at pool. She beat me at chugging a beer. I was interested but distant. Like an animal preparing to make its move. (What kind of animal? Should have paid more attention during Planet Earth.)
At the end of the night, I walked her home and we stood at her door, sort of lingering. (She lives two blocks from GOTCHA, which actually explains a lot.) She reached forward and I thought she was going to kiss me but then she unbuttoned my top button on my button-down (wow, say button again) and said I would look better showing a little skin. She then kissed my cheek and said, “See ya later, sweet pea!”
Her lip gloss is still on my cheek. I think I need to buy better face wash. And a cowboy hat.
What did you end up wearing for your big day? Your clothes from last night? (SEE WHAT I DID THERE??)
Your Sweetest Pea,
Gen
11:37 AM
I’m wearing a black dress and the highest heels I have.
So no heels?
There is a wedge.
That’s not a heel.
Ben and I didn’t have sex.
But he did go down on me.
You’re talking to a queer woman.
That’s the definition of sex.
Fuck. You’re right.
WHY DID I ORDER KALE
Ava Helmer
9/26/19
to Gen
I’m honestly not sure where to begin here. You know how there are certain moments and experiences that really stay with you forever? I REALLY hope today was not one of them.
Halona’s assistant made us an 11:30 reservation at Gramercy Tavern because the show starts taping at 2:00. I assumed we would go together, but then it was 11:10 and Halona wasn’t at the office. So I had to spend $40 on a cab to get there on time and wait for thirty minutes. When Halona walked in the entire atmosphere changed. People started whispering and staring. You could tell she loved it. She kissed a very confused busboy on the cheek, clearly confusing him for the manager.
I had to wave for a full minute before she admitted to herself that I was her lunch date. (Clearly she was hoping for someone more fashionable? Likable? Hotter?) She sat down with a flourish and then launched into one of the most terrifying conversations of my life, which I will now relay to you in screenplay format.
INT. GRAMERCY TAVERN—12:08 PM
HALONA MCBRIDE, 45, eyes her disappointing lunch date across the table. AVA HELMER, an underdeveloped 22, tries to smile even though her mouth is frighteningly dry.
HALONA
Have you been here before?
No time for a response.
HALONA
It’s one of my favorites. I love to come here and think while other people talk at me. That’s the thing no one warns you about. How much people will talk at you.
Ava says nothing because she doesn’t want to “talk at” her.
HALONA
Ben thinks you show real potential. But then again, you’re his type so I have to take it with a grain of salt.
AVA
(unclear noise)
HALONA
I don’t have a lot of time because the show starts soon and I already ate somewhere else, but here are quick tips, okay?
AVA
Okay. Thank you. I’ve always looked up—
HALONA
Tip one. Only suck up to people who want to be sucked up to. For example, I like it. But only sometime
s. Try to read my mood. How do you think I’m feeling right now?
Long pause. Ava scrambles for an answer.
HALONA
Good girl. Never tell me how I’m feeling. Tip two. You will never be good enough, smart enough, or competent enough to do what you want to do. You just have to do it anyway.
Another pause for reaction.
AVA
Wow. That’s smart. Thank—
HALONA
Tip three. Every day is a day.
Longest pause so far. Even though the other pauses were uncomfortably long.
AVA
Um … Is that the whole thing? Every day is a day?
HALONA
Is that not true?
AVA
No it is … I just—
HALONA
See you at the office, Ava.
And with that she was gone.
If someone told me Halona was a ghost, I would believe them. My skin still has goose bumps. I have never been more afraid in my life.
Re: WHY DID I ORDER KALE
Gen Goldman
9/26/19
to Ava
Wow. What a mind fuck. I can’t tell if she gave you terrible advice or incredible advice. At least one of the tips seems to just be words that are true? But also, mind blown. Every day IS a day. Wow. Is this my next tattoo?
Were you shocked she knew your name? I kept expecting her to call you Anna or something. Sometimes I think people in power do this just to prove they are in power. I can’t wait to be in power.
Do I need to touch on the Ben part of this or can we both agree he is scum who doesn’t deserve you or your heavily moisturized skin?
5:45 PM
How do we know he is scum??
Uh.…
His boss knows his type???
He’s clearly done this before.