When We Were Us

by Elena Aitken

  “We’re taking some time apart, I guess.” She shrugged, doing her best not to appear upset. She should have known better; her friends knew her too well. They saw right through her.

  “Time apart like a little holiday?” Cam asked. “Or time apart as in…something more permanent?”

  Christy shrugged again.

  “Sweetie, what is going on with you?” Drew took her hand. “I know you’ve been through a lot with the whole—”

  She raised her hand to stop Drew. “Please,” she said. “I don’t want to talk about that.”

  “Okay,” Drew said. “We don’t need to talk about it. Not right now. But what we do need to talk about is what is going on with you and Mark. I saw you guys the other day after Mark left. It looked…intense.”

  “And Evan said Mark is still living at the inn,” Cam added.

  “And Ben mentioned you’re going on tour with the Lumber Kings, and…”

  “Wow.” Christy jumped up and squeezed past Cam on the coffee table. “You two have it pretty figured out, don’t you?”

  “Christy. We’re just worried.” Cam turned to look at her. “This isn’t like you. You never would have asked Mark to leave. No matter what was going on.”

  “I know!” Christy cried. The emotion was too much. Everything she’d been feeling for the last few days had built up to the point where she thought she was going to explode. “I messed up.” The tears started. “I’ve ruined everything.”

  Even through her tears, she could see the look her two friends exchanged before Drew stood and crossed the room to be closer to her. “What do you mean, sweetie? Cam told me it was you who asked Mark for the separation.”

  “No!” Christy’s head shot up. “I never asked him for a separation. God…” She shook her head. “I hate that word.”

  “But that’s what it is,” Cam said. “If you’re not together, you’re…”

  “I just needed some time,” Christy said. “I needed some space to figure things out. To figure myself out. Everything is so different now. I don’t know what to do, or what I should be doing, or who I should be, or anything.” Her words were muffled through her tears, but once she started, she couldn’t stop. “I thought I needed to be away from him to do that. And maybe I did, I don’t know. But it just felt wrong without Mark. I miss him.” She brought her hands up to her face. “I just miss him so much.”

  Drew’s arms were around her right away, and then Cam’s, too. Together, they held her up and gave her the strength she no longer had on her own. They let her cry for a few minutes before gently leading her back to the couch. Drew held tight to her hand and Cam went into the kitchen to retrieve a bottle of wine and three glasses. “I think we could all use a glass.”

  She poured and after Christy managed to slow her tears, she had a sip. “I miss him, girls,” she said softly. “I made a terrible mistake. I need him.”

  “Why don’t you just tell him that?” Drew asked. “We all make mistakes. Hell, I’ve made plenty. Mark loves you. Why don’t you just tell him you made a mistake and all this will be over.”

  A fresh round of tears started again as Christy remembered the look on her husband’s face when she’d tried to do just that and in exchange it had been him who told her no. “I tried.” Her voice was barely a whisper.

  “He’s just hurt right now, sweetie. He’ll come around.” Drew squeezed her hand tight. “When do you come back from your tour?”

  “Next Friday.”

  “You’ll talk then.”

  Drew sounded so sure of herself, but she hadn’t seen Mark’s face. She hadn’t seen the hurt in his eyes because she’d kept her singing a secret. Maybe for some couples that wasn’t a big deal, but for Christy and Mark it was huge. They didn’t keep anything from each other.

  So why didn’t she tell him?

  It was a question she’d asked herself a dozen times over the last week. She kept asking herself in the hopes that she might be able to give herself a different answer. But Christy knew the truth. She hadn’t told her husband about her singing with the Lumber Kings because of the way it made her feel.

  When she held the microphone she felt sexy, strong, and confident. Like a completely different person. And it scared the hell out of her. Because if she was a different person, where did that leave them?

  “Are you sure you don’t want to do shots again?” Aaron teased as they pulled up a stool at the bar. After their run, Aaron had insisted on getting Mark out of the hotel and into society. And because the Log and Jam was the only pub in town besides the seedy strip bar, the End of the Road, on the edge of Timber Creek, they’d found themselves sitting at Ben Ross’s bar.

  “I’m good with a beer tonight,” Mark said. “My days of shots are over.”

  “You know where to find me if you change your mind.” Aaron laughed and raised his beer. “It’s good to see you out, man. Seriously.”

  “I’m not out.”

  “You know what I mean.”

  Mark shook his head, but he did know what Aaron meant because for the last few days, all he’d done was go from the office, to the trails for a run, and then back to the hotel to crash. He’d barely stopped for food, let alone for any kind of socializing. The last thing Mark felt like doing was talking to anyone, not unless it was on a professional level. Even then, the days were getting harder and harder to get through.

  “You look like shit, Mark. Have you talked to her yet?”

  He shook his head and took a long drink of his beer. “She texted me that she was going on a tour with the band. I’ll wait till she gets back. She wanted a break—she’s getting it.”

  “Wow.” Aaron shook his head. “I can honestly say I never thought I’d see the day when I would hear you talk that way. This is Christy we’re talking about.”

  “I know who we’re talking about, Aaron. She wanted time apart.” He didn’t bother telling his friend that she’d come to find him, and had more or less begged him to forget about the whole stupid break thing. If he told Aaron that, he’d have to admit that it was him who’d pushed her away the second time.

  He shook his head with the complexity of it all. Was it Christy who wanted this? Or him? He didn’t know anymore. All he knew was that he was friggin’ miserable, he missed his wife, his heart ached every moment that she was away from him, and he’d never been so goddamned unhappy in his whole life. But he was hurt. The woman he knew never would have kept such an important thing from him, like singing with a band. They told each other everything.

  But there was more. She blamed herself for their infertility. How had he missed that? He never should have missed that. But he had. He’d let her go day after day feeling terrible, and he hadn’t known.

  Or had he?

  There was one time, after their first failed round of IVF, where he’d seen her on the couch, crying. The way she was wrapped in the blanket, her arms around her knees, her head down—she’d needed him to go to her, to tell her it wasn’t her fault. But he hadn’t.

  He’d backed away and pretended he hadn’t seen her because on some level, in that exact moment, it did feel like it was her fault the treatments hadn’t worked. Even if it was only for a flash of a second, he had blamed her for their infertility. Even though it didn’t make any sense.

  Mark felt terrible even remembering that moment. He’d tried to block it from his memories because it had been such a cowardly thing to do and he didn’t really think it was her fault. He was just hurt and angry and feeling the loss himself in that moment. It had passed, and later he’d consoled her. But maybe the damage had already been done.

  He cleared his throat and focused on the present. “I told her we’d talk when she got back from her tour.” Mark emphasized the last word. He didn’t mean to sound like an asshole when he talked about her music. He really didn’t. Christy had always liked to sing and he’d never forgotten the way she owned the stage in high school as Sandy in those tight black pants when she starred in Grease.

  Da
mn.

  Mark also hadn’t forgotten all those conversations they’d had under the stars when he’d driven them out to the cliff, laid on a blanket and cuddled. Those were some of his favorite memories of them before life got in the way. When she’d just lie in his arms and they’d talk about their dreams, no matter how ridiculous or far-fetched they seemed. They’d dream together about their future and what it would look like. They were both so completely in love and neither of them would have been able to imagine in even their wildest nightmares that a day would ever come where they’d be separated.

  It seemed like a lifetime ago. Time had a way of changing things. Adding bills, and mortgages, jobs, stress…infertility. They were different people now. But it didn’t mean Mark had forgotten the way Christy had confided in him that she’d always dreamt of singing on a stage.

  And now she’d lived that dream, and he hadn’t been there.

  Wasn’t that the part that hurt the most?

  She’d lived out her dream without him? Because that’s the way she wanted it.

  Frustrated that he couldn’t put her out of his head for even five minutes, he drained his glass and put it on the counter with more force than he intended.

  “Can I get you another, Doc?” Mark looked up to see Ben Ross in front of him, a bar towel draped over his shoulder. “On the house.”

  “On the house?”

  “Absolutely,” Ben said. “It’s the least I can do considering everything you’re doing for my brother.”

  Right. Eric.

  Sometimes it was easy to forget that Ben and Eric were brothers. They hadn’t been close since they were kids and until Eric and Drew moved back to town, Ben rarely mentioned them at all.

  “It’s nothing,” Mark said. “I’m just doing my job. It’s the least I can do. He’s a good man, your brother.”

  Something flashed in Ben’s eyes but then it was gone. “That he is.” He nodded. “He’s a great father and a good husband. It’s just not right.”

  “No,” Aaron agreed. “It’s not right. Cancer’s an asshole.”

  They all nodded in agreement.

  “I guess the blessing is that they came back to town, and you’re able to spend some time together before…” Mark struggled to find the right word. “Well, it’s good to be able to spend this time together.”

  “It is.” Ben’s lips pressed into a thin line. “And I should probably find more time, but it’s…well…can I give you guys a bit of bartender advice?”

  Mark nodded. “Go for it.”

  Ben looked at each of them in turn. “Don’t let anything come between you and someone you love. And I mean anything. It’s not worth it.” He shook his head and stared past them into the bar.

  Mark had heard a rumor that Ben had been in love with Drew when they were younger and after Eric married her, he couldn’t stand being around them. He never put much stock in the rumor before. But then again, he’d never had much of a need to. Looking at Ben now, he wondered how much of it was true.

  “Anyway,” Ben said after a moment. “You never know what could happen, you know what I mean? One day you’re upset about something that seems so important in the moment, and the next thing you know, there’s a distance between you that you just can’t cross and then…well, then shit happens. Cancer happens and all of a sudden, you’re out of time.”

  Ben nodded and slapped his towel on the shiny counter. “So that’s my advice,” he said with a smile, the serious moment broken. “Now, how about that beer?”

  Mark nodded and turned around on his stool to survey the room and think over what Ben had just said. Obviously he’d been talking about Eric, but it had made sense for him, too.

  If he waited to talk to Christy, would it be too late? Would the distance be too great?

  Movement in the corner of the room, by the stage setup, caught his attention. Two men worked to gather up the instruments, wires, and speakers.

  The band.

  “Hey,” Mark said as he twisted around to accept the beer from Ben. “Who is that?”

  “That’s the band,” Ben said. “Well, some of them anyway.”

  “The band? The Lumber Kings? The band Christy is singing with?”

  “That’s them,” Ben said. “Looks like Jamie and Caleb. Josh must be out at the van. They’re good guys.”

  “I’m sure,” Mark muttered, but he wasn’t listening to Ben anymore. He was staring at the men in an effort to size them up. He’d never been a jealous man, but his wife had never left him for another man before. Or men. Or in this case, an entire band.

  He knew he was being dramatic, but he didn’t give a shit.

  “Don’t even think about it.” Aaron put a hand on his arm.

  “Think about what?”

  “Going over there.”

  Aaron knew him too well. He took another drink of his beer and put it on the bar behind him. “I don’t think it’ll hurt to introduce myself.”

  “Really?” Aaron stood and moved to block him. “It’s not a good idea, man. Don’t do it.”

  Aaron was probably right, but he didn’t care. He pushed up from the stool and started across the bar. Aaron groaned, but Mark knew he was right behind him.

  “Hey,” Mark said when he got close. “You’re the Lumber Kings.”

  “We are.” The man, holding a cable in one hand, nodded a greeting. “You’ve heard us play?”

  “No.”

  Both men, obviously sensing tension, now stood in front of Mark. He could feel Aaron on his right, but he didn’t look to see. He didn’t want any trouble, and he was definitely not the type of man who would throw a punch unprovoked. And as far as he knew, he was unprovoked. The thought that Christy could be intimately involved with either of these men wasn’t an option he was willing to entertain. Christy would never do that to him. Besides, he knew on some level that he didn’t have any right to be possessive or go all caveman on these guys. After all, it hadn’t been all that long ago when he’d entertained, even for the briefest second, the idea of another woman. It had only lasted a moment, but the thought had been there with Alicia. It might be hypocritical of him, but it couldn’t hurt to mark his territory a little bit. Especially considering Christy was going out of town with these guys. Mark widened his stance and crossed his arms over his chest.

  “What can we help you with?” The other man crossed his arms, matching Mark.

  Mark stared at each of them in turn and finally, knowing that singing with them was making Christy happy in some way, he extended a hand. “I’m Mark. Christy’s husband.” He thought he noticed one of the men’s expression change, but he couldn’t be sure, and he was likely only looking for trouble. “Thought I should say hi.”

  “Hey.” The man with the cable took his hand. “I’m Caleb. I play the drums. Christy’s great. And what a voice. Damn. We’re lucky to have her along, helping us out this week. Thanks, man.”

  Mark didn’t know what he was thanking him for. Allowing his wife to go on tour with a group of relative strangers? Maybe. Also, these men likely didn’t know that Christy and Mark were having any kind of marital troubles.

  Good. It was none of their business.

  The other man still hadn’t offered up an introduction, so Mark turned his attention to him. “And you are?”

  “Jamie.” He finally took Mark’s hand and shook it. “I’m lead guitar.”

  Maybe Mark was supposed to be impressed. He wasn’t.

  “We’re really happy to have Christy with us,” Jamie said. “We would have had to cancel if I hadn’t been able to convince her to come with us.”

  “You convinced her?” Mark stood up straighter. Something about the guy irritated him; he just couldn’t figure out what it was. He was probably just being sensitive.

  “Well, she wasn’t too sure at first, but then something changed and she was in.”

  Mark knew exactly what had changed, but he didn’t feel like talking to these strangers about it. Particularly when they were about t
o spend more time with his wife than he was.

  “Well, we should probably get going.” Aaron put a hand on his arm and tried to steer him away and back in the direction of the bar before he could say or do anything that would get him into trouble. “Come on, Mark.”

  But Mark wasn’t quite ready to leave. Not yet. He shook Aaron off. “One more thing,” he said to the guys. “You take care of her, understand?”

  Jamie stared at him with something that resembled a smirk on his lips and Mark itched to wipe it off.

  It was Caleb who spoke. “Absolutely,” he said. “She’ll be treated like a queen. You have my word.”

  Mark gave Jamie one last long look, turned to Caleb and nodded, and walked back to the bar, where he downed the rest of his beer.

  Chapter Thirteen

  “Does it ever get old?” Christy collapsed into a chair backstage and gratefully accepted a bottle of water from Josh. “Seriously?”

  Jamie laughed as he took the seat across from her. Caleb and Josh each perched on barstools in the crowded change room that was actually an old storage room that had been cleared out just enough for the band. “Having fun then?” he asked.

  “Oh my God.” Christy sat up and chugged half the bottle of water before answering. “This is the most fun I can remember having in a long time. How are you guys not so excited all the time?”

  It was Josh’s turn to laugh. “I guess we’re used to it.”

  “And it’s not like we’re playing in arenas or anything,” Caleb added. “It’s a small-town pub.”

  “It doesn’t matter.” Christy shook her head. “I think I’d feel this way if there was only one person in the audience. We get to perform for them. Do you understand how cool that is?”

  She was practically bouncing out of her seat. It was only the second show of the week-long tour and Christy was pretty convinced that singing in a band was exactly what she wanted to do with the rest of her life.

  The feeling of being on stage, with everyone’s eyes on her while she sang, was completely indescribable. She couldn’t believe how far she’d come in such a short time. She was no longer confused about what song was coming next, or when she was expected to speak to the crowd or just roll into the next song. She was still nervous before performing, that hadn’t gone away yet and Christy didn’t think that would ever go away. Which was fine by her. The nerves were part of it all, and they excited her.