When We Were Us

by Elena Aitken

  “I think maybe we’re all a little more used to it than you are, Christy.” Josh laughed at her. “But it is pretty cool.”

  “It’d be even cooler if we could do it full-time,” Jamie said. “It sucks to have to go back to the day jobs after all this.”

  Christy’s smile dimmed a little. She hadn’t thought about when it was over. She’d let herself get completely swept up in the fun of everything. But of course it couldn’t last forever and they would have to go back to Timber Creek and their—well, the guys would go back to their jobs. She’d go back to…

  “What do you guys even do for work? I just realized I have no idea.” It was easier not to think about what she’d be going back to. “Isn’t that crazy? We’re spending so much time together, we should get to know each other better.”

  “Totally,” Caleb agreed. “I’m an electrician in my other life. I’m working at the lumber mill right now.” He shrugged. “Good benefits and enough time off for gigs.”

  Christy nodded and looked at Josh.

  “I’m a songwriter. I have notebooks of originals that I’m trying to convince these guys to play.” He shot the others a look. “But mostly I’m music teacher,” he said. “I pretty much only have enough students to pay the bills. And when I need to gig…well…it’s working out right now.”

  “It’s barely working out.” Jamie laughed and shook his head. “I think I lost count at how much you owe me.”

  “Hey.” Josh shrugged. “That’s what friends are for. Besides, when we do finally hit the big time, it’ll be worth it.”

  “True.” Jamie chugged back his bottle of water and threw it into the recycling bin on the other side of the room. “You’ll never guess what I do in my real life.”

  She smiled and leaned back, pretending to examine him. “I bet you’re an accountant.”

  Jamie burst out laughing. “No way. I’m not that boring, am I?”

  “Well, hey, I know a few accountants and they’re not all boring.” She tried to be serious. “Okay, if you’re not an accountant…”

  “It’s just as bad,” Josh offered. “He’s a computer geek.”

  “No way?” She spun to stare at him again. “You’re a computer geek? But you look so…”

  “Normal?” Jamie laughed. “What’s a computer geek supposed to look like?”

  “Glasses, pasty white skin, ripped t-shirts, lives in his parents’ basement,” Caleb offered with a chuckle.

  “You guys are assholes.”

  They all laughed before Jamie turned the question to her. “What is it that you do, Christy?”

  She shrugged and tried to look casual. “I’m between careers right now.” It was mostly true anyway. “So it’s a good time for us to get famous.”

  They laughed again and fell into easy conversation about how awesome it would be if they were in fact famous and not just playing gigs in small-town pubs for a few more minutes until it was time to clean up, pack up, and head to their motel for the night.

  Even though it was almost two in the morning by the time they got back to their rooms, for the second night in a row, Christy couldn’t sleep. She was too wired from the show to stay in her room. Besides, whenever she was alone and quiet, she started thinking too much. So instead, she sat by the outdoor pool that the little motel boasted and dangled her feet in the cool water.

  She raised her feet and let them swish through the water, casting shadows in the pool with the lights under the water. She tried to clear her mind and not allow her brain to settle on the thoughts she’d been trying to avoid. It didn’t do any good to think of Mark, or home. It just made her sad. Because as much fun as she was having on tour with the band, it still felt wrong. Mark should have been there. Every night, when she stood on the stage and sang her heart out, she found herself subconsciously looking through the audience for her husband. She’d been wrong to keep it from him at all and more than anything, she wished she could take it back.

  “Hey there.”

  Christy jumped at the voice. Her feet splashed in the water and she turned to see Jamie standing over her with a grin on his face.

  “Sorry, I didn’t mean to startle you.”

  “You can’t sneak up on a person like that!”

  “I’m sorry.” He chuckled. “Can I sit?”

  She nodded and looked back to her feet, focusing on the bubbles she was leaving in the water. She’d been a little worried about Jamie after their sort of-not really moment after the show at the Log and Jam. She didn’t want to give him the wrong idea. Whatever that was. But after a few days with the band, she realized she needn’t have been worried about anything. They were rarely not altogether. Between being piled into the van, setting up for the shows, and performing, there wasn’t much time for anything else. Besides, the whole band was more like a big family than anything else.

  She’d obviously been concerned about something that wasn’t a problem at all, which just made her feel dumb.

  “So,” Jamie asked, “is touring everything you thought it would be?” There was a smile in his voice. “I know it’s not all that glamorous, but it’s a start.”

  “It’s awesome,” she said. “I really meant it when I said that earlier. This has been awesome. I never knew how much I loved singing. And never in a million years would I think that…”

  “That you’d be part of a band?”

  She nodded. “It’s so silly. I’m too old for this.”

  “You are not old.”

  Even in the dim light, Christy could see the way he was looking at her and it made her stomach flip over. Maybe she had reason to be concerned over their connection, or whatever it was between them. She scooted over to the side, putting more space between them.

  He noticed her move and held his hands up. “You don’t have to be scared of me, Christy.”

  “I’m not scared.” It was a lie, because mostly she was scared that she could have any thoughts at all about a man who wasn’t her husband, especially when things were so confusing between her and Mark. “I just don’t want you to get the wrong idea.”

  “Don’t worry.” He smiled. “We’re friends.”

  “Friends.” She repeated the word.

  “But I’m not going to lie to you, Christy. You’re incredibly attractive, and your energy is…well, let’s just say that if things were different, I’d definitely be asking you out.”

  She breathed out a sigh of relief, but there was something else, too. “What do you mean, if things were different?”

  “I met your husband the other day.”

  She wasn’t sure what she’d been expecting him to say, but it wasn’t that. She had no idea Mark and Jamie had met. “You did?”

  Jamie nodded. “I didn’t even know you were married until he introduced himself. So I guess that would have to be different.”

  He shrugged and Christy immediately felt bad. She hadn’t meant to mislead anyone. She looked down to her left hand but she already knew there was no ring there. She’d taken it off ages ago when her fingers swelled during the fertility treatments. She must have forgotten to put it back on. She stared at her naked finger a moment longer, and couldn’t help but wonder whether she’d ever have the opportunity to put the ring on again. The thought made her immeasurably sad, so she pushed it out of her head.

  “He seems like a nice guy,” Jamie said.

  “He really is.” There was so much she could have added. That she loved him. That he was her entire world. That she’d made a terrible mistake that she didn’t know whether they’d ever be able to come back from. But it didn’t feel like the right time. If Jamie noticed she was holding something back, he didn’t push. A fact she was grateful for.

  They sat in silence for a moment and it was finally Jamie who asked, “You don’t really think you’re too old for this, do you?”

  She laughed. “For singing in a band or sitting on the side of a pool in the middle of the night?”

  “Both.” He chuckled. “I don’t think you’
re ever too old to realize your dreams.”

  “You assume that singing is a dream of mine.”

  “Isn’t it?”

  She thought about that for a minute. What were her dreams? Once upon a time, she’d sort of randomly thought her dream might involve singing and maybe even being famous. But that was a long time ago and she’d never really been serious about it. Had she? After she married Mark, their dreams included raising a family and building a life together. It seemed kind of inadequate now, but that’s only because the only thing she’d dreamt of as an adult would never come true.

  “Maybe it once was,” she answered after a moment. “But things change.”

  “They do.” He nodded and focused on his feet in the water for a moment. “But I think it’s important to have dreams and goals and things to look forward to. I don’t know if I’d be able to get up every day if I didn’t. Don’t you think so?”

  “Honestly, I don’t know.” All this talk about dreams was making her sad, and that was exactly what she’d been trying to avoid. “I mean, don’t get me wrong, it’s important to have dreams and goals and all of that.”

  “But?”

  She shrugged and swirled her feet around again. “But I also think it’s important to be real with yourself and manage your expectations.”

  “Wow.”

  “What?” She turned to look at him. “What’s that mean?”

  He shook his head. “I just think that’s a terrible attitude. I mean, manage your expectations? How are you ever supposed to dream if you’re constantly managing your expectations? You should be doing the exact opposite. Don’t manage your expectations at all. Let them run free.” He shook his head. “That’s just terrible.”

  “You know what’s worse?” She didn’t wait for an answer. “Knowing that your dreams will never come true and having your whole life destroyed because it’s all you ever wanted and you let yourself dream.” She lifted her feet and dropped them with a splash.

  Jamie was silent for a minute. Finally he asked, “Can I ask you a question, Christy?”

  “Why not?”

  He scissored his feet in the water and tilted his head to look at her. “Who are you?”

  “What?” She had expected him to say all kinds of things, but that wasn’t one of them. “What do you mean?” She laughed. “I’m Christy Thomas.”

  “But who are you?” He twisted his body so he faced her. “What is it that makes you you? What are your dreams, your hopes, the things you want out of life?”

  She thought about it for a minute, and then another one. He didn’t try to rush her or push her for an answer she couldn’t give. Finally, she gave up. “I don’t know.”

  “I don’t think that’s true.”

  Her head snapped up. “Excuse me?” Who did he think he was, asking her such a question and then not accepting the answer?

  “I don’t think that’s true,” he repeated. “And I think you’re using that as an excuse not to find out.” He held up a hand to stop her objection before it came. “I’m not going to pretend to know you, Christy. Although I would like to think that we’re becoming friends. But I do know that if you really think about it, and you’re honest with yourself, you’re going to come up with the answer to that question.” He hopped up and pulled his feet from the water. “And I think as soon as you figure that out, you’re going to be able to fix whatever’s going on between you and that husband of yours.”

  Christy scrambled to her feet and crossed her arms over her chest. “What makes you think there’s something that needs to be fixed?”

  “Because,” he said kindly before he walked away and left her standing by the still pool, “if there wasn’t, you wouldn’t be here right now.”

  “Has he heard from her?” Drew asked Cam the moment they were alone. Cam didn’t need her friend to clarify who or what they were talking about because she’d just opened the door to Mark, who was making a house call to look in on Eric. They’d made a few minutes of polite conversation with him, purposely avoiding the topic on everyone’s mind. Christy.

  Cam shook her head and slid the sugar bowl closer. “I don’t think so.” She scooped a few spoonfuls into her drink and stirred. “But honestly, I haven’t asked. You haven’t heard from her, have you?”

  Drew shook her head.

  “I didn’t think so.” Cam took a sip of her coffee. “But I guess I was hoping that out of all people, if she wasn’t going to touch base with her husband, she’d at least check in with you.”

  Drew shrugged. “I’m not worried. I know she’s going through some stuff. She doesn’t need to be worrying herself with my problems.”

  Cam was about to tell her friend that not only was it perfectly okay for all of them to be concerned about her problems as she put it, but that she also needed to stop worrying if she was stressing anyone out by talking about what was going on with her and Eric because she should be leaning on her friends.

  But before she could say anything, Austin ran into the room and jumped up on his mom’s lap. “Cookie, Mama.”

  “Austin.” Drew pretended to be stern. “How do you ask?”

  “Can I have a cookie, Mama?” He batted his long eyelashes and Cam was sure she would have given him one no matter how he’d asked, he was so damn cute, but Drew wasn’t done.

  “Try one more time, buddy.”

  “Can I please have a cookie?”

  She laughed at his dramatic emphasis of the word please, as if he would most certainly combust on the spot if he didn’t get a cookie right away. “Okay,” Drew said. “Good manners.”

  Austin, still on his mom’s lap, reached his chubby arm across the table and snatched one of the chocolate chip cookies that Cam had brought over. Morgan and her friend Jessica had recently discovered that they liked to bake. It wasn’t a bad hobby for teenage girls, even if it did leave her kitchen in a constant state of disaster, but the girls were producing more baked goods than they could consume, so Cam had taken to bringing them to Drew on a regular basis.

  He stuffed the cookie in his mouth and giggled when his mom raised her eyebrows. “Now what do you say?”

  “Thank you.” The words came out in a garbled mess because he still had cookie in his mouth, but Cam didn’t care.

  “You’re welcome,” she said to Austin. “I’ll make sure to tell Morgan you liked them.” She turned her attention to Drew. “You know, I was just thinking, if you ever wanted a night out and maybe wanted to give Eric’s parents a night off, I’ll happily volunteer Morgan to babysit. Free of charge, too.”

  “I’m sure Morgan wouldn’t appreciate that offer.” Drew laughed. “But I really do.”

  “Consider it a solid offer. Seriously.”

  “Thank you.” Drew smiled so sweetly and Cam tried to pretend she didn’t see the exhaustion lines under her friend’s eyes. She couldn’t even begin to imagine how hard it would be to keep a little boy entertained while taking care of his dying father. “But you know, it’s not really babysitting I need. Austin here needs some playmates. Are you and Evan going to have any kids?”

  Cam almost spit out her coffee but if her friend noticed, she didn’t say. Instead, Drew stared intently at her as if just by looking into her eyes, she’d be able to see the truth Cam was trying to hide.

  There was no way that Drew knew that she’d only a few days earlier taken a pregnancy test and it had come back with two little pink lines on it. Cam hadn’t told anyone. She hadn’t even made an appointment to see Mark yet. It was so new that she and Evan were still trying to wrap their minds around the test result because it most certainly hadn’t been planned.

  They’d kind of vaguely talked about having kids at some point in the future, but that was as far as the conversation ever went. After all, they had Morgan and wasn’t having a baby when your teenager was almost out of the house crazy?

  Maybe.

  But Evan didn’t have any children of his own and as much as he loved Morgan, Cam knew he’d always wanted child
ren of his own. Ultimately, they were excited about the idea that they were pregnant, but they certainly hadn’t planned on telling anyone.

  Not yet.

  “Maybe,” she answered Drew vaguely. “You never know.” She fidgeted with her coffee cup to keep from looking at her friend.

  “Okay, but don’t wait too long, okay? This little guy needs someone to keep him busy.” Drew stroked the top of his head and stood up, with him still in her arms. “How about you sit over here.” She deposited him into a chair at the end of the table. “I’ll let you play with your modeling clay.” Austin cheered as Drew grabbed a bin full of tubs of different colored clay and various cookie cutters and other instruments before putting them in front of her son.

  “That’ll keep him busy for a little bit,” she said to Cam as she sat down again. She took a long sip of her coffee. “I swear, this stuff is the only thing getting me through these days.”

  Cam looked at her own cup and felt a twinge of guilt for the caffeine. She pushed it away, mostly untouched.

  “Not you?” Drew raised her eyebrows at the cup.

  “I’m trying to cut back a little.”

  Drew nodded. “Can I get you something else? A glass of wine maybe…” She narrowed her eyes.

  “It’s the middle of the day.”

  “So? That’s never stopped us before.”

  That was true.

  Cam shook her head. “Not today. I have some work to do later and I—”

  “You’re pregnant!” Drew jumped out of her chair and pointed a finger at her.

  “What?” Cam knew she might as well not even bother denying it. Drew would be able to see right through her; still, she tried. “I’m not pregnant.”

  “You are too. I can see it all over you.”