When We Were Us

by Elena Aitken

  “That’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard. You can’t see pregnancy when someone is only a few weeks along.” She realized her mistake the moment it came out of her mouth.

  “I knew it.”

  Cam knew when she’d lost. She gestured for Drew to sit down. “Okay,” she admitted. “I’m pregnant.” She held up a finger to silence her friend before she said anything else. “But it’s still super early and we’re not telling anyone. You can’t say anything. Not even to Christy.” She almost added, especially not Christy. With everything their friend had gone through with her fertility treatments, and now with her…whatever it was she was going through, the last thing she needed to hear was that Cam and Evan were expecting a baby they hadn’t even tried for.

  “I get it. And I won’t say a word.” Drew nodded in understanding. “So what does this mean for the wedding? Are you going to wait until after the baby is born?”

  Cam flinched. She hadn’t talked to Drew about the wedding yet. “We were actually thinking of putting it off for a little while anyway, so I’m not sure what we’ll—”

  “Why would you put it off? You and Evan have been dreaming of your wedding since we were kids. It’s about time to finally pull the trigger, don’t you think?”

  Cam got up from the table, unable to sit any longer. She poured herself a glass of water at the sink and drank slowly before answering. “It just didn’t feel right to have a wedding right now, that’s all.”

  Drew turned in her chair. “Because my husband’s dying?”

  It amazed Cam how her friend could say those words, but she could see the pain in Drew’s eyes. It was always there lately, but whenever she spoke about Eric, the sadness seemed to radiate off her.

  “Honestly?” Cam asked. “Yes. It doesn’t feel right for me to be planning a wedding when you’re planning a funeral.” She shook her head. “I’m so sorry, Drew.”

  Drew’s eyes clouded with tears. She glanced at Austin, who seemed oblivious of what the women were talking about, and nodded, almost to herself. “It’s okay. I mean, it’s obviously not okay, but we’re going to be okay and life is going to go on. I know it will.” She gazed at her son. “It has to.”

  “Sweetie.” Cam wrapped her friend into a hug. “I wish I had something I could say that would make you feel better.” She felt so useless around her friend’s misery.

  Drew returned her hug, and she sniffled against Cam’s shoulder, but she didn’t allow herself to fully let go. Cam knew it was because Austin was in the room, and as enthralled as he was with his clay, kids were perceptive and he most certainly would pick up on it if his mother had a breakdown in front of him. “Thank you,” Drew said after a moment and pulled back from the hug. “I know it’s the worst feeling in the world, wanting to do something and not knowing what to do. I feel exactly the same way.”

  Cam nodded. “It’s totally not fair.”

  “No.” Drew laughed a little. “It most certainly isn’t fair. But you know what? Sometimes these things have hidden blessings. I mean, obviously it would be a bigger blessing if you didn’t need cancer to figure it out, but Eric and Ben have actually spent some time together lately and I know that means the world to Eric.”

  Cam sat across from her friend again. As far as she knew, Drew had no idea of Ben’s feelings for her when they were kids. And even though Evan probably shouldn’t have told Cam about them, she wasn’t about to tell Drew now. It wouldn’t serve any purpose, especially considering what she was already going through was so much deeper.

  “I wish I knew what had happened between them all those years ago,” Drew continued. “It just doesn’t seem right for brothers to have so much distance.”

  “You’re right.” Cam nodded. “At least they’re able to mend that bridge now. Before it’s too late.”

  Drew’s face fell again. She looked down at her coffee in silence. When she looked up again, her eyes were shining, but she had a smile on her face. “Enough talk about that,” she said. “Let’s focus on something happier, like this wedding that I absolutely insist is going to happen.”

  Chapter Fourteen

  Christy couldn’t even try to pretend that her poolside conversation with Jamie hadn’t gotten to her. Was she really so cynical that she didn’t believe in dreams anymore? Or was it just that now with the dream of motherhood dashed, she was lost without something to focus on?

  How had she let herself become so completely focused on one aspect of the life she wanted that she’d forsaken all the other aspects of it?

  Those were the questions that continued to swirl around in her head. In the van the next day, she sat in the back and put her earbuds in her ears, choosing to listen to music by herself rather than engage in the chatter and conversation with the guys for the first half of the ride.

  Who is Christy Thomas?

  She was Mark’s wife. She was a friend. A community volunteer. She was…a singer.

  Christy knew in her heart that now that she’d had a taste of the stage, she wouldn’t be able to leave it behind. Not completely. But maybe not as a Lumber King either.

  “Hey.” She pulled one earbud from her ear and tapped Josh, who was sitting next to her, on the arm. “Didn’t you say the other day that you wrote music?”

  “I do.” He grinned and immediately pulled a notebook from his backpack. “Do you want to see?”

  “Don’t bore her with your songs,” Caleb called from the front seat. “Poor woman puts up with enough.”

  Josh looked at her questioningly.

  “Seriously,” she reassured him. “I really do want to see them. I have a few ideas myself.”

  “Well, then.” He handed the book over. “By all means.”

  Christy thanked him and put her earbuds back in as she flipped through the book. But she wasn’t hearing the music coming from her playlist. Instead, she pored over every song Josh had written. There were a handful that she really liked. She made note of the ones that sparked something with her, and then grabbed a notebook of her own, where she started scribbling down ideas. By the time they got to the pub to start setting up for the show, Christy was amped up, but for a completely different reason.

  “These are really good, Josh.” She gave him his notebook back and they gathered their things. “I started working on a few things, too, and if it’s okay with you, I think we might make a good team.”

  “Like song writing team? I’m game. Let’s take a look when we’re done with the setup.”

  The setup and sound check went quickly, and Christy was so excited to sit down with Josh that she would have happily skipped dinner, just so they could have more time.

  “Eat,” Jamie ordered as he put a bowl of soup in front of her. “You can’t perform on an empty stomach.” She looked at him, but he shook his head. “It’s not optional.”

  “Whatever, Dad.” But she pushed her notebook to the side and picked up a spoon.

  “It’s cute that you’re indulging Josh with this song stuff.” Jamie nodded toward the notebook. “He’s been trying to get us to play one of his songs for ages.”

  “Why haven’t you?”

  “Seriously?”

  “Yes, they’re not bad.” Christy washed down a spoonful with a gulp of water. “I think with a few tweaks that I have in mind, we might actually have something worth performing. I mean, I’m no expert and I’m still so new at this, but I really think it’s worth a try, don’t you? I mean, wasn’t it you guys saying that you couldn’t make the big time just playing covers of other artists’ songs?”

  Jamie nodded and looked genuinely surprised. “They’re really good enough?”

  “Not yet.” Christy grinned. “But they will be.”

  After she ate and was able to escape the food police, Christy went in search of Josh and they spent the few hours before the first set working through some of the suggestions Christy had and nailing down a melody. The song wasn’t done, but it was close and she was confident that it would be ready to rehearse very s
oon.

  The show, like the others, was great. Christy was riding high not only from the exhilaration of performing, but also from the additional energy of working on the song with Josh.

  “I really think we have something here,” she said to the guys after the show. They’d barely had a chance to grab a bottle of water before she started telling them about Josh’s song.

  “It’s our song, really,” Josh said. “Christy’s put so much of her touch on it. It’s good.”

  “You’ve said that before.” Jamie looked skeptical.

  “Really,” Josh said. “It’s way different now. Trust me.”

  “You’ll like it.” Christy smiled as brightly as she could. She was so enthusiastic about the song that the guys would have to give it a chance. “Just let us play it for you.”

  “I don’t see why not.” Caleb settled into his chair and crossed one leg over the other.

  Christy and Josh didn’t bother waiting for Jamie’s agreement. Josh grabbed his guitar and immediately played the intro. After the second bar, Christy started singing.

  She kept her eyes on Josh and focused on the lyrics until they were done. It wasn’t until Josh smiled at her that she looked up to see Jamie and Caleb’s faces.

  “Well?” she asked when they still hadn’t said anything. “What do you think?”

  Jamie and Caleb exchanged glances before finally looking at Christy and smiling. “I liked it.” Caleb nodded. “I mean, it’s great.”

  “Really?” She looked to Jamie next.

  He laughed. “I can’t even believe I’m saying this, but it really is great, guys. Who knew you had it in you, Josh?”

  “Hey.” Josh shook his head. “It wasn’t just me. It was Christy who brought this to life.”

  “Do you think we could play it?” Christy asked the question she was really dying to have the answer to. It was one thing to write songs; it was another thing to be able to perform them. “I mean, you said we needed to get some original material and—”

  “We?” Jamie grinned at her and she blushed at her forwardness.

  “Well…I mean, I’m just supposed to be filling in while your friend is gone, but I was hoping…” She took a deep breath and asked for what she knew she wanted. “I was hoping I could maybe be a permanent member of the Lumber Kings.”

  “No way.” Caleb shook his head.

  “What?” She stared at him and willed the tears that she felt welling up in her eyes to stop. She could not cry in front of these guys. Not if she wanted to be taken seriously.

  “Not the Lumber Kings.” He stood and nodded at Jamie, who stood as well and looked to Josh.

  “I agree,” Jamie said.

  Christy looked between the men and then to Josh. Surely, he’d advocate for her. But even so, did she want to be part of a group who didn’t want her? The sad answer was, yes, she did want to be part of their group. Badly.

  Josh met her eyes and then looked back to Jamie. A grin slid across his face. “I don’t think you should be part of the Lumber Kings, Christy.”

  “I can’t believe that you’d…” Despite her best efforts to stop them, a tear slid down her cheek. She swiped at it and was just about to plead her case when Jamie squeezed her arm.

  “Hey,” he said. There was a smile on his face. “We said we don’t think you should be part of the Lumber Kings, but not that we didn’t want you to be part of our band.”

  She blinked hard and wiped her face again. “What?”

  “What we’re trying to say is,” Caleb took over the explanation, “maybe it’s time for us to disband the Lumber Kings and start a new band. After all, if we’re going to be playing original music, we should have an original name, too. Don’t you think?”

  She looked between them all, trying to put together what they were saying. “Wait. What about Grant?” If she was being honest, she had selfishly not given much thought to the missing band member, but if they were really saying what she thought they were…she needed to know. “What if he comes back? I can’t just…”

  “Grant’s not coming back,” Josh said. “He’s decided to move back to Arizona to be with his family. The band was always more of a hobby than anything serious for him. So you’re not stepping on any toes. Don’t worry about that.”

  “So?” Jamie asked. “You didn’t answer us.”

  Christy’s head spun with everything they were saying. She needed to clarify. “To be clear, are you asking me to be part of a band with you?”

  “Yes.” Josh laughed. “Will you?”

  “Absolutely!” She didn’t bother to hesitate, because even though she still had a lot of work to do in figuring out exactly who she was, one thing she knew for sure was that singing and performing was definitely part of that.

  After his visit with Eric, which was more to sit and chat rather than talk about anything medical, Mark drove straight to the Riverside Park parking lot, used the public bathroom to change into his running gear, and hit the trails.

  Aaron couldn’t join him for their training run that afternoon. Something about too much work to do, or something, but Mark was pretty sure he’d exhausted his buddy’s energy sources over the last few days. Ever since Christy left for her tour, Mark had been running harder, faster, and farther than before. The doctor in him knew it wasn’t a good idea to push his muscles so hard, but he didn’t care. It made him feel better to burn off the stress.

  Besides that, it gave him time to think clearly, which was better than the alternative of sitting around his hotel room, watching some stupid television show. He knew he could have stayed in the house while Christy was gone, but it didn’t feel right to be there when she wasn’t.

  Nothing felt right.

  He dumped his clothes in the backseat of his car, did a few jumping jacks to warm up and was just about to head out for the trails when he heard a familiar voice.

  “Hey there.”

  He turned to see Alicia. He hadn’t noticed her Jeep, but then again he hadn’t noticed much of anything lately.

  “You just heading out?” she asked him.

  He nodded. “You?”

  “I was. Mind if I join you?”

  He should probably just tell her no. He’d only seen her once or twice on the trails after their awkward misunderstanding when she thought he’d been flirting with her. And now with everything going on with Christy, it just didn’t feel right to be spending time with another woman in any capacity. But then again, it might not be a bad idea to have a little company. After a moment, he nodded.

  “Sure. But just know, I’m running hard these days.”

  “Oh?” She pulled a leg up into a stretch. “Part of your training plan?”

  “Part of my mental coping plan,” he said with a wry smile.

  Alicia shot him a look. “Anything you want to talk about?”

  “Not yet.” Mark jumped up and down, eager to get going. “We’ll see how I feel after a few miles.”

  “Fair enough.” Alicia took off down the trail, and Mark quickly fell into step beside her. “You go ahead and set the pace,” she said.

  “You think you can handle it?”

  She laughed.

  “I meant your ankle,” he clarified. “How is it, anyway? Healed up okay?”

  “It’s great.” She did a little hop step. “I had a good doctor.”

  “Well, I don’t know about that. But I’m glad it’s not bothering you.” He fell into silence, and thankfully Alicia didn’t push any attempt at conversation.

  He put one foot in front of the other, dropped his head and pushed to go faster. His arms pumped at his sides, and soon the familiar burning filled his lungs as he ran harder. Mark expected that Alicia would drop away as soon as he started picking up the pace, but he was surprised to see her right there next to him.

  He ran faster.

  She was still there.

  It wasn’t that he was trying to lose her, not really. After all, he had said she could run with him. But with someone else there, e
ven if they weren’t talking, he couldn’t concentrate on his thoughts of Christy. He couldn’t properly imagine what she might be doing right at that moment. He couldn’t pretend he was going to watch her perform instead of being hundreds of miles away, torturing himself on the trails of Timber Creek.

  Mark turned down a path that lead to a steep incline and increased his speed. Still, Alicia was there by his side. In fact, she sprinted up the hill and made it to the top before he did.

  When he crested the top, he was finally ready to give himself a break. He slowed his pace into a walk and gulped down the water he always carried with him.

  “That’s quite the coping plan you have there,” Alicia said after they’d both caught their breath.

  “Pardon me?”

  “You said you were running hard as part of a mental coping plan,” she explained. “By what I just witnessed, I’d say you’re working through some heavy shit. Am I wrong?”

  He shrugged. “It’s all relative, I guess.” It wasn’t heavy compared to what Eric was going through, but everyone’s problems were their own.

  “Ready to talk? Sometimes going over things with someone who isn’t involved is a good thing. Maybe I can offer a different perspective on whatever it is that’s going on.”

  He glanced over at her. Maybe she was right. He’d already gone over it all with Aaron. More than once. He’d run every conversation he’d had with Christy through his head more times than he could count, and still he was no closer to figuring out what he should do to put his marriage back together. Alicia didn’t know them. He shrugged. “It can’t hurt.”

  “I’m all ears,” she said. “But if you want me to focus, maybe we can keep the pace to something a bit less intense?”

  He agreed with a smile. “Deal.”

  They jogged at a much slower pace for a few more miles while Mark told Alicia everything that had happened with Christy in the last few weeks, including how she’d asked him to leave, and then how it had been him who had turned her away. He gave her a quick summary of their failed fertility treatments, and finally finished with how Christy had been singing with a local band and had left for a tour with them. And how he’d missed her so much it was almost a physical ache that nothing was able to dull.