Where the Heart Lies

by Amanda Ray

  I hastily grabbed the towel from the floor and swung it around my body tight. Red covered my face and I stepped away from him in horror. I practically ran down the hall to my room hearing his voice echo, "How in the hell are you still a virgin?!" He murmured something else that I couldn’t make out because I slammed the door behind me. I leaned up against the door sliding down to the floor. How did I let myself get into that position! He just saw me naked! Jeremiah hadn’t even seen me naked! Oh, God. Jeremiah! But wait.... how the hell did he know I was a virgin!

  Chapter 20

  Lily and Deb arrived half an hour later from shopping. I had just finished getting ready and Jesse was still in the shower when Lily walked into my room.

  "We're back," she sang in the doorway, "You doing okay?" I smiled at her like I always did. Lily had asked me that at least three times a day since my mom died and each time I smiled and nodded. I understood why she asked, she was sweet but part of me just wanted her- and everyone else - to see that I was alright. Yes, I missed my mom, I don't think there will ever be a day that I don't but I had come to terms with the fact that I couldn't change it. I couldn't go back, and I was focused on moving forward. I wanted to forget the ache that was inside me, the pain I felt every day, and the constant questions were just a reminder that she was gone. I didn’t want to forget my mom but I wanted to forget the pain.

  "I thought Jesse was supposed to go with you?" I said looking over my shoulder as I grabbed my necklace from the bedside table. "He decided to workout instead. I hope he didn't bother you while we were gone?" I shook my head and gestured for her to help me with my necklace.

  "Not so much. But he did, however, make a comment about me being a virgin..." I spun around to meet her face after she finished clasping my necklace, "How on earth does he know that?" my eyebrow quirked up in question. Lily's eyes shot down to the floor and she started to walk away from me.

  "Lily!" I yelled, "What did you tell him?! And why?!" my heart was pounding rapidly, I thought I was going to pass out. "Okay, look, don't be mad at me alright?" she smiled weakly and continued, "He had mentioned something about how you were attractive, you know, typical Jesse style, and I told him not to mess with you! That you were going through a lot, and that you were with Jeremiah.....and that.....you were......a virgin." Her hands covered her face as soon as she had said it. My mouth dropped open and I stumbled backwards, my ass hitting the bed, fast. Lily peaked out from behind her hands to see me in complete shock, face pale, speechless sitting on the edge of the bed.

  "I'm so sorry! I didn't mean to tell him. It just sort of slipped out. I didn't want him to mess with you! Please, please forgive me." Her smile was filled with worry and I just shook my head at her. Of course I could forgive her, hell, I forgave her the second she said it. It wasn't that big of a deal but then it hit me. Lily thought my reaction had been because of her telling Jesse I was a virgin but in all reality it was because Jesse had told her I was attractive. He had told his sister I was attractive. Jesse wanted to make a move on me but she stopped him. Jesse! I had to shake my head to escape where my mind was going.

  "It's okay, Lil. I was just confused as to how he knew." I smiled again at her and grabbed my purse, "Lets go get some ice cream, I could use something cold." Yeah to calm down the heat building between your legs my subconscious yelled at me. YOU'RE WITH JEREMIAH! STOP THINKING ABOUT JESSE! My inner thoughts ran rampant and as much as I thought I loved Jeremiah, I couldn’t help where my heart kept telling me to go.

  Waiting in line for ice cream my phone began to ring. I looked down and smiled at Jeremiah's name but then guilt had hit me. How much longer could I go on with torn feelings between him and Jesse? But was I really torn? Jeremiah was my boyfriend. He made it clear he wanted to be my boyfriend. And Jesse, well he just made it clear that he wanted to mess with me, right?

  "Hey! how are you?" I answered, excited to hear Jeremiah's voice.

  "Hey babe. I wanted to let you know that I have some bad news." My face instantly frowned and I knew he was going to tell me that he was no longer coming to visit. We had been talking again those past few weeks about him coming up to see me before college started. I was so excited to see him considering it had been almost a full year but like always, life had gotten in the way. "I apparently wrote down the wrong dates for orientation, it starts in two weeks, which means I have to be moved in by next week and I can't come see you."

  "But, can't you just come for a few days before you have to go? You can cut the visit short."

  "Unfortunately, I can't. I'd have no time to pack if I did that. I'm so sorry, Freya. I promise I'll make it up to you somehow at some point."

  It took everything in me to hold back my tears and when Lily turned around to look at me I could see on her face that I wasn't hiding my disappointment well. "Okay," I whispered to him.

  "I love you, Freya. I promise I'll come up soon."

  "Sure. You too." I hung up the phone. My hurt turned to anger in a single second and I tossed my phone into my bag taking a deep breath. He had promised, over and over again that he would come up to see me and after my mom I thought that he would have visited right away but again, something came up. Something was more important. Lily had told me to find a table while she got us our ice cream. I sat down and covered my face in my hands trying to rid my mind of all its awful thoughts. Lily clapped my shoulder and placed my two scoops of cookie dough ice cream in front of me.

  "What happened? What did he do now?" I hadn't told her that Jeremiah was on the phone but her best friend instincts were right. I took a deep breath and a scoop of ice cream before I let it all out.

  "He said he can't make it, he can't come up here. Something about the wrong dates for college and he has to pack." I looked down at my ice cream trying to hide my face, "It was bad enough that he missed my birthday. Not that we did anything for it but then he missed the trial, or just cancelled any other time he said he was coming to visit. And now I'm just getting so tired of getting my hopes up waiting for him to actually come up here. To show up." My shoulders sank and I looked up at Lily with tears in my eyes.

  "He's a dick!"

  "Lily!" my eyes widened in shock. I was so surprised at her words that I hadn't really known what else to say.

  "What? He is! I get that he has things to take care of but come on! You're right, it was bad enough he didn't come when everything happened with....you know when your mom...." she sighed before she continued, "and then when the trial was happening and your birthday was during everything! Freya, you didn't even want to celebrate turning 18 and I dragged you out for pizza and he couldn't even be bothered to come up for a fucking weekend to get you out of the house! Jesse fucking came out for pizza and drinks! Jesse! Like come on!" but she was right. I hadn't wanted to celebrate at all for my birthday and then she told me she had asked Jeremiah to come up for the weekend and that we were all going to go out and get fake IDs to go drinking. Something to get my mind off of everything, and again at the last minute he didn't come. He couldn’t come. At the time I hadn't shown that it bothered me but it did. It really did.

  Jesse had heard Lily talk about how we were still going to go out and he decided to tag along to make sure we didn't get into too much trouble. It ended up being a really great night. Jesse took us to a bar that was split down the center. The front end had bars scattered all along the walls with a DJ on the far back wall and a big opened space in the middle for dancing, while right behind the wall that the DJ sat on was another area for dancing but instead of bars scattered all around, it had tables lined with stools and an opened glass area on the far right where pizza was being made and handed out to drunken idiots like us. Jesse practically carried us home that night, tucking us both into our beds and lying out water and Aspirin for our terrible hangovers the next day.

  "I know you love him Frey, but I just feel like for someone who's supposed to love you back, he's not really around. He’s not really there for you when you need him." She shrugged and took a
giant bite of her ice cream.

  "I know," I looked down and took another bite, "I just...I don't know what to do anymore. I love him. And I knew that long distance was going to be hard but I just feel like...." my sentence trailed off and I couldn't put into words what I was feeling but Lily seemed to understand. She moved closer to me and hugged me hard. "I'm here for you no matter what babe." She kissed my temple and we continued eating in silence.

  Chapter 21

  It was three weeks after my phone call with Jeremiah when I decided to accept my offer for community college with Lily. Jeremiah and I had barely talked since that day; him being busy with school. Lily and I we're taking core classes and continually trying to decide on a major. Lily leaned toward Law and Criminal Justice courses, whereas I hadn't a clue. I couldn't see myself being anything, doing anything. I had originally applied to schools wanting to go into production or publishing, considering all I ever did was watch television or write in order to escape my life, but after my mom's murder I considered moving tracks over to criminal justice and social work. Every thought of a major was beyond interesting but when I tried to imagine having that as my career for years upon years, I just couldn't bring myself to settle. I couldn't see my future self doing any of it and so I stayed in the in-between. Going to college but not knowing why or for what.

  Weeks turned into months and my relationship with Jeremiah had become less and less. I don’t even think you could have called it a relationship at that point. We had barely spoken, never visited each other and the title of being together was just that, a title. My love for him never truly faded but in that first year of college I was so consumed with not having my mom and trying to focus on school work that I put Jeremiah on the back burner and I guess he did the same thing to me.

  It was my last day of my first semester and acing all of my finals gave me the courage I needed to talk to Jeremiah. I swallowed my nerves and scrolled through my phone until I found his name. I took a breath and clicked call. My heart raced rapidly as the phone began to ring and I felt myself become light headed and dizzy with each ring.

  One ring.

  Two rings.

  Three rings.

  Four rings.

  I sat down on a bench that over looked the lake right outside of my college campus and took another deep breath. I gripped the edge of the bench to steady my body from shaking and closed my eyes at the slight breeze that the water let off. I prepared myself for the fact that he wasn't going to answer and that our relationship had diminished. Taking another deep breath and moving to hang up the call he finally answered.

  "Freya?"

  "Hey," I let it out like a breath. Shock coursed through me at the sound of his voice and suddenly I had a huge pit in my stomach.

  "I've been meaning to call you. How are you?"

  "Good. You?"

  "Good." Silence filled the phone for what felt like an eternity. I sighed and swallowed my nerves before breaking through the awkward wall he had built.

  "Jeremiah, what are we doing? You're asking me how I am like we're strangers. Like we haven't talked or known each other. Granted we haven't talked in a while but I just feel like my boyfriend shouldn't be talking to me as if he doesn't even know who I am."

  "Freya," his voice shook and I felt my chest tighten, "I met someone...." I dropped my phone and heard the loud crack when it hit the pavement. My heart followed and plummeted to my feet and I had to force my body not to pass out. My mouth dried and I tried to swallow but I felt the bile rise in my throat. He met someone? What? When? But we were together. We are together! Right? It took me a few minutes to gather myself and force down the anger and hurt that was building within me. I grabbed my phone off the concrete and put it to my ear just as Jeremiah said, "Freya? You there?"

  "Mhmm," my tone was short and clipped. I didn't want to show him how much he hurt me.

  "I didn't want to have this conversation over the phone but I don't think we're going to have another chance to talk."

  "Okay."

  "I know you're mad at me. I can hear it in your voice. Please just let me explain." I gave him nothing. I didn't respond I just breathed heavily into the phone before he continued. "I met her at school. At first we were just study buddies, I told her all about you and we would talk about you non stop. She knows how much I love you but I'd be lying to you if I said I didn't feel something for her. If I said I didn't want to do more with her. We've been so busy and distant from each other this past year and I get it, we both have a lot going on. I'm not trying to blame anyone here, I just think this is what happens in long distance relationships," he let out a deep sigh.

  "What do you mean do more with her?" I could concentrate on anything else he had said.

  "What?" he was caught off guard by my question and I could hear the shock and guilt in his voice when I repeated slowly, "What do you mean do more with her? What have you done with her?"

  His deep sigh made me lean back into the bench to brace myself for his answer. "We went on a date. It was really nice, she's really sweet. Honestly Freya I think you'd like her...." his voice trailed off and I waited patiently for him to finish. "We kissed. A few times. And she went down on me." The last part was whispered so low I could barely hear it. I took in a sharp breath trying my hardest to keep my emotions intact. A few minutes of silence passed by before he broke it.

  "Freya?" his voice filled my eardrums like a sharp ring and I felt the instant sharp pain in my chest. Like a knife being thrusted through my delicate skin. I gripped my chest trying to stop the pain, my instincts immediately took over. I grabbed the phone away from my ear and hung up on Jeremiah throwing it and smashing it to pieces on the concrete. I keeled over on my knees trying to calm my frantic breathing and the river of tears falling down my cheeks. Never in a million years would I have thought that that was how the conversation was going to go. But that was it. And we were done. We were over. Jeremiah had cheated on me. My Jeremiah. Only he wasn't mine anymore.

  ◆◆◆

  "That was the first time I realized my heart had lied to me. I listened to it. I followed it. It told me that Jeremiah loved me and that we would be together, that we could make the long distance work."

  "Yeah, but maybe he did love you. Maybe you guys were just young and he didn't know how to handle everything you were going through? He did a shitty thing I'm not denying that but all I'm saying is, is that maybe your heart didn't lie to you, maybe you followed it correctly but circumstances got in the way." Lesly, a 30 year old woman from my group chimed in.

  "But if my heart didn't lie, wouldn't we have made it work back then? Wouldn't he not have cheated? My heart told me to be with him and look at the hurt it caused." I tried to defend my argument, to prove that my mothers saying was true and that it had happened to me too. More than once.

  "Freya, can you explain deeper why you feel that your heart lied to you as you say?" the group facilitator Lauren asked me. I took a deep breath and looked down before trying my best to explain. "My mom always told me to follow my heart...but she also told me that sometimes when you follow your heart it ends up lying to you and you basically get stuck in a horrible situation. Basically don't follow your heart because it can lie to you!" I emphasized the last part as a warning to everyone in the group. Don't follow your heart! It's stupid. Use your head! Think things through.

  "I can see that your mother's words have really had an impact on you. Can you tell us a little more about why she shared this slogan with you?" Lauren asked, showing no emotion like she normally did.

  "She told me that when I asked her why she stayed in a domestic violence relationship with Gary.”

  "And do you believe that this is the same reason why you stayed in one as well?" Lauren's question took me by surprise and my eyes flew from the floor to her face. I swallowed the lump in my throat and nodded my head, "Yeah. I do."

  Chapter 22

  After the breakup with Jeremiah Lily tried everything to keep me up and moving. Without the dist
raction of school it was hard not to dwell on the breakup and his cheating. I found myself smiling throughout the day and then crying myself to sleep thinking about all that I had lost. My mom, my life, my boyfriend, but Lily was determined to prove that I still had a lot in my life.

  "Breakups suck, babe. I know you loved Jeremiah but he's such a dick! Even Chris thinks what he did was awful! But listen, there are so many other hot guys out there and you're freaking hot, Freya! You're going to find someone else, I promise!"

  "But he was the only one who knew everything Lil. He knew my whole life and never judged or pitied me. How am I going to find that again? I just don't think I want to date anymore. I'm done. I can't believe I ever wanted him to be my first!"

  "Babe," Lily pulled me in for a hug and sighed, "I know it hurts. Yes, he knew everything but that doesn't mean that there isn't someone else out there who won't judge you. It took you a bit to tell him everything and you’ll get there again with someone else. And hell, I'll support you no matter what. If you don't want to date for the rest of your life then I'll be right there to support that and I'll even help you buy a couple cats. But if you do decide to put yourself out there again, not right away of course, but eventually then I'll be right there to support that too and I'll kick everyone's ass that ever hurts you. Okay?"

  I leaned into Lily and smiled at her words. Throughout my life she was always there to support me no matter what and in a way it made me feel safe, made me feel loved. I nodded to her and sat up off of her bed.

  "Okay. I'm done being sad. I'm done wallowing and letting these shitty things control my life." I proclaimed throwing my hands around to emphasize my point. "I'm going to get dressed up all nice and slutty and we're going out to celebrate my birthday. Forreal!" Lily shot up from the bed clapping her hands in excitement. "Really? Like really going out? Oh my god my mom is going to be so excited. She was so upset that all you wanted to do was order Chinese and watch a movie at home with everyone," she laughed and shook her head at me, "I'm going to go tell her and then start getting ready. I have the perfect place for us to go!"