A Chip on Her Shoulder

by RJ Blain

  Any other day, I would have disliked wearing heels, but the black stilettos served several purposes. They did wonderful things for my legs, put me closer to eye level with the Devil, and offered me the illusion of power with an added bonus of being easily converted into weapons.

  The kittens curled up on the bed for a nap, and I emerged from the bedroom armed with my new purse. The Devil sat at his desk, an elbow resting on it while he propped his chin up and observed his whining succubi sprawled on the floor and complaining at him about his cruel mistreatments of their persons.

  As they amused him, I decided to leave it be unless one of them tried to paw at him, at which point I would discover if I could use a stiletto to sever hands from wrists. “Enjoying yourself?”

  “I’ve been told I should keep my influencing to myself.”

  “But why?” I tilted my head, puzzled over why anyone would want to skip the influencing for whatever the hell women got without a hefty dose of devilish affection tossed in. “I had no idea heaven could be found in hell, but here we are.”

  “They’re tired.”

  “That’s not your problem.”

  “Why aren’t you at all tired? This is not right. You should be an exhausted puddle resting in my bed so I can indulge in tucking you in and sneaking peeks at you while I do it. I obviously didn’t influence you enough, and I find this both elating and disturbing.”

  “May you have better luck next time,” I replied. “Am I over dressed, under dressed, or sufficiently dressed?”

  “You’re making me question taking you out for dinner by wearing that dress.” The Devil looked me over. “I’m either going to have to recant tearing you out of that dress or I’ll need to buy several more of them so you can have one at all times while I methodically tear the other ones off of you. I’m going to have to thank Carmella. I had no idea she was so talented at dressing you. I’m going to have to ask her to help you with your wardrobe. You’re perfectly dressed, and I’m going to have issues holding my temper when Gallo gets a good look at you.”

  As turnabout was fair play, I took my time admiring his suit. “We want to catch his attention so we can be involved with making him disappear under mysterious circumstances.”

  “I have succubi. I’m not afraid to use them.”

  “That would not be very satisfying for me, Lucifer.”

  He scowled.

  I smiled.

  “You’re going to be obstinate about this, aren’t you? I could take you to a different steakhouse. Perhaps on the other side of America? Or I could wine you and dine you somewhere exotic. I can show you the world. Then I can unleash the legions, they can deal with Gallo, and we’ll have a great time where he cannot come close to you.”

  “Showing me the world doesn’t win me revenge or help the victimized family members gain a better life. I’m sorry, Lucifer. You’re just going to have to do good deeds in an evil way. You’ll cope somehow. I’ll turn around if you have to handle him in a gruesomely violent fashion, however. That said, I would really like to put him in one of my tanks, perhaps next to Alloces?”

  “If I tell you no, you’re going to put up a fight about this, aren’t you?”

  “Absolutely. I’ll just ask your brothers and Belial to help me do it if you won’t.”

  He narrowed his eyes. “I demand spots.”

  “You can demand all you want, but that doesn’t mean you’re getting them.”

  The Devil grunted his frustration, wrinkled his nose, and straightened, shooting a glare at me. “You were so docile in the tub, and your ears are really cute when wet. So is your tail.”

  The spot obsessed freak might do me in if he kept it up—or I might be inclined to shred his nice suit to gain access to his chest. I bet he would heal scratch marks in record time. “You can earn some docility through good performance after dinner and mayhem. Also, I will resent if I’m poisoned again, so we’ll have to do something about that part of things. That headache was not my idea of a good time.”

  “Your spots. I require them.”

  “And I require new fish. And?”

  The Devil screamed his frustration, startling the collection of succubi whining all over the sitting room floor. “Please.”

  Excellent. I’d trained the Devil to use a new word. “Better. You may have a new spot once we’re home from dinner and finished with creating mayhem and gathering at least one new fish for my tanks. You’ll have to wait until my fish is settled in his or her new home, however. I’ll also need some fish that enjoy being together, because single fish look sad.”

  “They’re supposed to look sad. It’s a punishment!”

  “The catfish are cute together.”

  “I have no objections taking you to stores to pick new mortal fish for your enjoyment.”

  “My next fish I will be picking out in person, and they will be fucking assholes who get a taste of their own fucking medicine. Am I clear? And if I’m not, allow me to clarify the situation: I’ll bite your fucking hands off if you try to touch a damned spot until I personally see to those fucking assholes!”

  The door into the sitting room opened, and a taller, tanner version of my brother stepped into the room, and I turned my ears back and hissed. “And you’re a fucking asshole, too! I should put you in a tank for a year and claw that pretty face just so you learn your lesson.”

  The Devil got up, strode to my side, and wrapped his arms around my waist, lifting me off my feet. “Somebody needs dinner, and then she needs a nap. Once she’s had her nap, then she can be coddled in disgustingly sweet fashions. But somebody needs a nap.”

  I struggled and kicked my feet in protest of losing my ability to go claw at my brother’s face. “You made him prettier!”

  My brother raised a brow. “Should I come back later?”

  “That’s quite all right, Jonas. She’s just tired. Unlike my succubi, she resisted taking a nap, so she’s tired, cranky, and hungry. You were correct about her enjoyment of fish, so thank you for that tip. I’ll require you for our trip out, as she seems determined to handle her business. Your first task will be to play as a chipmunk in her home, and as soon as she is only tired and cranky, you’ll direct us to the first of our targets. We’ll see Belial on our way out.”

  “What about them?” Jonas asked, gesturing to the succubi littering the floor.

  “They’ll be fine. Once the incubi stop strutting around, they’ll drag them off somewhere. They should be happy with me right now, but no. They’re all whining.” The Devil shrugged. “Well, the ones coherent enough to whine. And even those seem to have resumed napping. Really, what are they even trying to do?”

  “Why are you asking me?” Jonas asked.

  “That’s a damned good question. I really don’t know. You’re so wet behind the ears you disgust me, and if I didn’t need you as security for Darlene and to maintain appearances, I’d just leave you here to stay out of trouble.”

  Jonas shrugged. “I can’t say I didn’t earn that.”

  “Who are you and what have you done with my brother?” I demanded.

  “Darlene,” he complained.

  “That’s better. Do that some more. My brother whines and causes me trouble. He does not accept responsibility for his stupidity. You need to act normally, or I might not be able to cope with too much change at one time.”

  My brother stared at me as though I’d lost my mind.

  I crossed my arms over my chest, grunting at the pressure of the Devil keeping me off my feet so I wouldn’t kick my brother with my weaponized shoes. “Seriously? You think I’m nuts for wanting you to behave normally? I should stab you with my shoes! Come here and take your stabbing like a man or whatever the fuck you are now.”

  “Well,” the Devil began, and then he set me down, although he kept a firm hold on my waist. After a long moment of silence and a sigh, he continued, “I believe he is startled because you’re openly more aggressive than he is used to. I’m just turned on because it’s sexy watching
you want to kill someone. I don’t want to take you to dinner now. I want to seduce you.”

  “I need dinner,” I growled. “After I’m done eating dinner, I need to kill my brother. Wait. I can’t kill him. Damn it.”

  “I find your irritation very attractive.”

  “Jonas, tell him what I do when I’m hungry.”

  “If she doesn’t bite, she cries,” my brother reported. “And nothing is scarier than my sister crying because she’s hungry and is too angry she’s hungry to handle her hunger problem, and once she’s that hungry, she becomes emotionally unstable and inclined to kill people. I recommend offering her something to eat and stay quiet until she’s eaten enough she is no longer unstable.”

  “Is that true, Darlene?” the Devil whispered in my ear. “I have trouble believing you cry over anything.”

  “It’s ugly crying, I splotch, and if I’m wearing fur, it falls out from stress and I end up patchy. Nothing upsets me more than patchy fur. I lose spots when I’m patchy. Entire spots, just gone right along with my fur. I resemble a mangey mutt when I’m patchy due to stress shedding.”

  “Unacceptable. I will not stand the loss of even a single spot.”

  “My fur grows back.”

  “Still not acceptable.”

  For fuck’s sake. “Just get your ass on the move so I can have dinner, give me a baseball bat, and point me at one of the fucking assholes.”

  “Baseball bat? Why do you want a baseball bat?” the Devil asked.

  “I’ll just fucking beat them and you can then make them fish and I’ll nurse them back to health in my tanks. Look, I’m hungry, and you promised me steak.”

  The Devil grinned at me, rested his hands on my shoulders, and pushed me towards the door. “Then let us be on our way. It won’t take long to get what we need from Belial. Jonas will just have to deal with the sting when I force his transformation as he has yet to learn how to control it himself.”

  “This is going to suck,” my brother predicted.

  “Oh, you have no idea how right you are,” the Devil promised.

  Belial gave the Devil a bag and a box along with a stern warning to be careful with the contents, as they were among his most potent. Without waiting for an acknowledgment, he vanished in a plume of vile-smelling smoke. With that portion of our plan completed, we addressed the matter of my brother and deceiving any idiots who might check in on my home to see what was going on.

  I suspected the Devil made Jonas’s transformation as painful as possible to remind me of the various sins of those I meant to crush under my pretty heel. My chipmunk of a brother whined and waved a furry paw at the Devil, and I carried him around on my shoulder. Teleporting to my home left me dizzy and with a headache, and I frowned.

  “Your body has been under a lot of strain, and I’m not as gentle with teleporting as my brothers.” The Devil scooped my brother off my shoulder and put him in his cage on my coffee table.

  “How did you know?”

  “I cheated and checked, but only because I was expecting it to have some adverse consequences. We will be traveling to dinner in style, and I requested a tray of appetizers to tide you over until we arrive. I’d rather not teleport you again right now, so we’ll be taking a limousine. It will also make a statement when we arrive. I’ve had various demons and devils spread some whispers around to streamline our work.”

  “Think a baseball bat will fit under my dress?”

  “Alas, no. Jonas, you will be able to transform yourself back to a humanoid form with a little concentration or if you’re startled or injured. Be aware you will take on a more demonic appearance unless you’re focusing on your human form. At that point, you may as well employ your natural weapons and handle the problem directly. Do try not to kill any of the mortals, as I would like to claim them for your sister’s trophy room. You may bring them to the brink of death and teach their souls why it is not wise to cross me.”

  My brother bobbed his head and settled into his rodent paradise, and he pointed at the TV while squeaking.

  As I loved my brother most of the time, I turned it onto his favorite channel rather than mine.

  Someone knocked at the door, and the Devil offered his arm. “That would be our driver. With your leave, I will administer Belial’s concoctions. He has a sense of humor, and he often tricks those who use his wares. I can handle anything he throws my way, including amusing additions I might not prefer.”

  “Additions?”

  “He might, for example, decide I should have a tail and ears the match of yours, or he might attempt to stain your fur a rather obnoxious color.”

  I linked my arm with his. “If he dyes my fur, I will make my revenge so elaborate your many hells will discuss it for all eternity.”

  The Devil frowned, thought about it for a minute, and shrugged. “It is a good thing I am who I am, as I find this thought tempting. You would feud for all eternity and turn my many hells into a battleground for your pranking. It could be most amusing.”

  “Don’t you even dare think about setting that disaster up, Lucifer.”

  “Oh, I’m thinking about it. I do hate getting bored.”

  Right. I should have known. “If you help with any action that dyes my fur in any shade without my permission, I will be banning you from any spots for a period of one year per every minute my fur is the wrong color.”

  “I see you have a very deep line in the sand on this issue.”

  “Not only will you be banned from touching any spots, I will dye my fur black so you can’t see them, either.”

  “Please marry me.”

  I raised a brow at that and laughed at how my cruel removal of my spots for his enjoyment could result in the Devil liking it to such an extreme he’d make such a request. “You can try again with a ring and on bent knee. Only then will I consider giving you an answer.”

  “You’re really going to make me kneel.”

  “I absolutely am going to make you kneel, and if you’re slow about it, I’ll help Belial go through the interested succubi and set up interviews.” I’d also contemplate killing them all or adding them to my tanks.

  “So ruthless,” he murmured, and he took me to the door. True to his warning, a limousine waited in front of my house.

  The driver, who appeared human enough but wore a suit the perfect match of the Devil’s, bowed and gestured to the vehicle. “Everything is as you requested, sir.”

  “Excellent. Thank you.”

  “That earned you a spot,” I informed the Devil. “Good behavior is rewarded.”

  The driver smirked and headed for the limousine. When we reached the black car, Lucifer opened and closed the door for me before circling the vehicle to join me. A bottle of champagne and a tray of cheese, crackers, various meats, and seafood waited for our attention. I eyed the clams and shrimp, licking my lips.

  “A man should aspire for his woman to look at him like you are looking at your appetizers.” The Devil snagged the champagne bottle and opened it, and while it made a startling bang, he somehow kept a hold on the cork. He poured a glass and offered it to me. “As you refused to adhere to my plans and take a nap, I do not have as much information on Gallo and his operations as I would like, although I have handled some of the work. His wife—”

  “He’s after me when he already has a wife?” I growled, flattening my ears. Taking the glass, I took a single sip before snagging a chilled clam, still in its shell and garnished with a dab of cocktail sauce and a sprinkling of green onion. I made it disappear into my stomach with a happy purr, setting the empty shell down. “This guy is a class act, isn’t he?”

  “Yes. Upon securing your person, his plan is to murder his wife so you can take her place. He has poisoned her like he had you poisoned, and she’s already lost a significant portion of her memories. Should his plans go unimpeded, she will die by the morning.”

  The more I learned about Gallo, the more I wanted to bash his brains in and decorate the entirety of New York w
ith his pulverized remains. “What a nice gentleman. What is best for her?”

  Before meeting the Devil and his brothers, I would have been inclined to save her and to hell with the consequences. I’d learned a lot in a short period of time, and a future in a different life might truly be the better option than continuing a life of misery and unhappiness.

  “She has a strong spirit.”

  “That doesn’t tell me anything.” I snagged another clam, and unlike the first, I took my time savoring it. “What is best for her?”

  “It’s not that simple. Every choice has a thousand consequences or more. Every word you speak can trigger a cascade of change. A life is an endless chain of consequences and possibilities. What is best for her may not be what is best for many. At what point do you assign such a value to her life and her perception of it? If what is best for her hurts many, which is the greater sin? Ending one person’s misery when they can struggle through and do great good or evil because of their suffering? Right now, mercy would be to end her suffering—but in five years, she could spawn many new beginnings that make her life a priceless treasure. What is best for her evolves with every breath.”

  I thought about it, snagging a shrimp and nibbling on it. “That headache is pretty miserable.”

  “It is. Right now, she suffers. But I can’t help you decide what is best for her. Life is an ever-changing path, and everything can become new with but a single word. For example, if you were to accept me as your husband, there would be great change. If you tell me no, there will also be great change and even more sulking on my part. Be responsible. You wouldn’t want to make me sulk.”

  Several shrimp and another clam fell to my appetite before I grinned and pointed the shell at him. “I already told you what you needed to do to get an answer out of me.”

  “At least you’re not making me ask your brother for permission.”

  “He’d say no, and I would be forced to put him in one of my tanks for shitty behavior. He doesn’t get to dictate who I may or may not wed, if you please—and even if you don’t please.”