A Chip on Her Shoulder

by RJ Blain

  “But would you have made me ask your father?”

  “Absolutely. My father was the best despite everything, thank you.”

  “Well, of course. He raised you to be as you are, after all.”

  I blinked and stared at the Devil. “What?”

  “You are a product of your parents and their upbringing of you. From your first breath, they molded you. You are as you are because of their actions. Had you a different father, you would not be who you are today. Humans are imperfect, and that is part of what makes them interesting. But your father and mother had a hand in every part of your life, and I find myself disgustingly appreciative of that in this moment.”

  “That doesn’t explain how Jonas turned out.”

  “He’s male.”

  I frowned. “What? I mean, yes. He is my brother rather than my sister.”

  “Men are often raised differently from women in religious environments. Your brother grew up feeling a certain amount of entitlement due to his position as a preacher’s son. You grew up with the burden of expectations. That is how two humans could produce two children on entirely different behavioral spectrums. It was all in their care with your upbringing. Jonas did not have the same upbringing as you despite the fact that you share parents. He spent all of his life being told he should expect certain things, and that became the seeds of greed, sin, and treachery. You spent all of your life being cultivated to be a responsible wife and mother with a splash of the crueler realities of mortal life. Jonas will learn quickly how to become self-reliant, for I am not as kind as your parents were in their mortal life. You are not meant to be his mother, and I will put my foot down if I must. Or put him in one of your tanks in time out until he learns to be self-sufficient. And I have plans on how I’ll handle you should you fall prey to those old habits.”

  “What plans?”

  “Test me and find out. We’ll both enjoy it, that much I can promise.”

  Ugh. All the Devil had to do to make me enjoy myself was take his damned shirt off. “I can’t tell if I’m supposed to be falling prey to these old habits or not.”

  The Devil thought about it, and he claimed one of the clams for himself. “You know, I’m not sure, either. I seem to have created a dilemma.”

  “You have created a dilemma all right, you ate one of the clams!” I grabbed another one, eyeing the last one left on the tray. I set my Champagne down and claimed the last one, too. “Mine.”

  “But they’re good,” the Devil complained, and he focused on the clam in my left hand. “I’ll be really good to you if you share that with me.”

  I translated his offer to involve a bedroom and the removal of his shirt, but as I was not a fool, I asked, “But will you show off your perfect chest for me should I give this to you?”

  “Maybe.”

  I raised a brow and lifted the clam to escort it on its adventure to my stomach where it belonged.

  “Yes.”

  I grinned, turned my hand, and held out the shell in his direction. “Talk dirty to me.”

  “Please.”

  There was something inherently sexual about feeding a clam to him, and I regretted I had an entire dinner and securement of revenge between me and my date with his chest. “I am expecting a very nice reward for sharing that with you.”

  His smirk promised trouble. “Don’t you worry about a thing. I have rewarding you penned in after dinner and a rather entertaining after-dinner show.”

  Fifteen

  How can a wine be mysterious?

  The Devil took me to a fancy restaurant deep in the heart of Manhattan, the kind of place I didn’t even bother dreaming about going to. A single look at the menu taught me a very important lesson.

  A bottle of wine could cost more than the safety and security of a baby.

  I couldn’t understand why. Unsure of how to ask, I pointed at the bottle and showed it to him, unable to keep my puzzlement from showing.

  “Status,” he replied, and he pointed at a much cheaper bottle, something I could afford if I skimped for a week or two. “This vintage tastes better to me, honestly, and it partners with a lot more things. That bottle you’re looking at is purchased when someone has a point to make and doesn’t care how much money he drinks away to make that point. Is it worth that much? Sure, to those who wish to make that point, but in so many cases, more expensive doesn’t mean it’s actually better.”

  Huh. The Devil could be practical. “Which one is your favorite?”

  His finger slid up several items to a bottle of wine not much more expensive than the one he’d initially showcased. “This one is a little sweeter, and it’s full of mystery. I like mysterious things.”

  “How can a wine be mysterious?”

  “Obviously, I will have to teach you.” He flagged down a waiter and pointed at the two cheaper bottles of wine and requested both of them. Once the waiter left, he used the wine menu to point somewhere behind me. “Gallo just arrived with several of his right-hand men. It seems my demons and devils have done their work well.”

  “How do you know?”

  “I’m cheating.”

  Ah. I wondered what sort of things men like Gallo thought about when going to a fancy restaurant knowing his wife slowly died. “How is his wife doing?”

  “Your concern for her condition will eat you alive, won’t it?”

  “Probably,” I admitted.

  The Devil reached into his suit jacket, dialed a number, and held his cell phone to his ear. “Belial, I require you to handle the matter we discussed earlier. I recommend you inquire with Michael for how best to treat her. Darlene is disturbed, and she will not enjoy the rest of tonight’s activities unless it is addressed. You may as well implement the rest of our plans. I have visual verification the more dangerous elements are occupied. Make the guest quarters in my home comfortable until proper placement can be made, and take extra care with any younglings. Recruit the succubi to handle them as needed. Yes, we’re being a charity tonight. Treat it like Halloween or something, and you’re dressing up as angels or some nonsense like that. Turn it into a game. Whomever makes the best performance gets treats instead of tricks with an added benefit of pleasing Darlene. Also, I’m going to need fresh clams for my feline, and the kitchen can get creative with their preparation, just remember she’s not quite as adventurous as the average devil yet. Also acquire any other feline appropriate treats she might enjoy.”

  I giggled at that, turning my attention to the actual menu while my stomach gurgled complaints over its mostly empty state. When the Devil hung up, I pointed at one of the steaks on the menu, which cost more than I tended to spend in an entire week on groceries. “Is this one good?”

  He checked my choice, nodded, and eyed the rest of the menu, pointing at an appetizer of lobster bisque. “I bet some lobster cooked in cream will make my little kitty purr.”

  I bet it would, too. “They have cocktail shrimp, too.”

  “Yours for the taking as well.” After a moment of consideration, he pointed at something on the menu. “You should round out your seafood conquests with their smoked salmon before enjoying your steak.”

  “What are you having?”

  “Steak, steak, and more steak. I might have a potato for variety, but I enjoy steak very much.”

  Since he’d picked for me, I pointed at the salads. “And a salad. We should both have a salad so we’re pretending we’re eating healthily.”

  “We don’t have to eat healthily.”

  “But salads taste good, especially when they’re slathered with creamy dressings and bacon. There’s bacon on these salads, Lucifer. There’s egg and cheese, too.”

  “You’re going to make me eat a salad, aren’t you?”

  “The salad will help me pretend I’m not indulging in an act of gluttony. What are the fucking assholes doing?”

  “Gallo has positioned himself so he has a good view of you. He has no idea what to make of me, as I do not match the type of people your broth
er would associate with, and he’s convinced you would only associate with people your brother knows. I am dressed too well, and he is confused about where you acquired your apparel.”

  “That is so bizarre. Why?”

  “From what I can glean from his surface thoughts, he had been cultivating Jonas to serve as one of his underlings, but Jonas was proving resistant to some of his more ruthless schemes, so he removed the problem. Apparently, he’d noticed you earlier than your brother’s transformation into a chipmunk. His treatment of your brother was to test you more than anything.”

  “Listening to people’s thoughts is a rather convenient ability, isn’t it?” It was well enough I couldn’t hear Gallo’s thoughts, as it would likely result in me trying to throw the entire damned table at him.

  “He wants to strip you out of your dress, and I find this to be very irritating.” The Devil sighed, shook his head, and glared at the menu. “I’ll get us the mixed appetizer platter, too. If we have leftovers, so be it.”

  “You want to strip me out of my dress, too,” I reminded him.

  “Yes, but I wish to do so in a mutually beneficial fashion, and when I’m finished with you, I would tuck you into my bed and continue to shower you with affection. He does not have any good will towards you, and he is only concerned with himself. He is a most selfish human being. He disgusts me, really.”

  I needed to get my hands on a weapon, occupy the Devil with some task, and take the bastard out. “What a creep. Are you sure I can’t beat him to a near-death state with a baseball bat?”

  “You would kill him, and then you would become annoyed you are bereft of a new fish for your trophy room. You will be more satisfied should you keep him alive.”

  “But I’m very motivated to kill him right now.”

  He chuckled and closed his menu. “That you are. I will have to call Belial again. It appears he intends to grab your brother and use him as leverage after making certain you are poisoned this time. He also plans on poisoning me, although with the intent of getting rid of me, who he rightly views as competition.”

  “Can’t he at least try to be creative?”

  “His poison is quite creative, truth be told. He does deserve credit for its manufacture.”

  “Can the credit be my foot inserted into his ass, heel first?”

  The Devil considered my question, his eyes narrowing. “I’m intrigued. Would you be wearing that dress while you’re giving him credit?”

  “It would be a shame if I were to get blood on this dress. I’d probably need to wear something else. This dress is really nice, and I don’t want to destroy it.”

  “Magic can remove blood from fabrics, and your dress would emerge from its bloody debut intact.”

  “Will my brother be all right?”

  “I will ask Belial to keep a watch on the situation and help teach your brother how best to defend himself.” The Devil glowered at his phone, muttered a few curses, and dialed. “These humans are annoying idiots. There will be some who wish to bring harm to my new pet. Take care of them and move them into Darlene’s trophy room. Yes, you may handle the matter personally, and don’t feel a need to hold back. I tire of this nonsense.” He returned his phone to his pocket. “Some days, I regret having delved a little too far into the future, but I couldn’t bear to be caught with one of those most annoying bricks mortals are currently using for portable phones. Tell your fellow humans to hurry up and design more sophisticated things. It’s most annoying having to trick the humans into believing I’m using their backwater technology.”

  I bet. “Yours is pretty convenient.”

  “I’m very spoiled, so I need convenience, and I need my convenience to be elegant.”

  “Belial won’t mind watching Jonas?”

  “Not at all, and it solves some problems. We’ll take care of the idiots at the other table, and I’m debating conjuring you a baseball bat.”

  “You can do that?”

  “Of course.”

  Before I could ask what else had riled the Devil up about Gallo and his lowlife thugs, the waiter brought both bottles of wine and opened them, going through some odd dance with the Devil to make certain both were acceptable before taking our order. Lucifer made a few additional requests, and to my fascination and delight, he did so in a different language. My eyes widened at the waiter’s lack of reaction, bowing at the Devil’s requests. “I will attend to this immediately, sir.”

  “Okay, that was really neat. What language was that?”

  “An extinct language, truth be told. The people who once spoke it lived in Africa, although they’re long gone. I used a little magic to make sure he understood my request, as I wished to preserve the secret for your enjoyment.”

  “You can just start talking dead languages to people with the expectation of them understanding you?”

  “I’ve been doing it all night long, and I’ve been manipulating you to do the same, all so Gallo can’t overhear us. He believes we’re speaking some South American language, apparently, for he understands Italian and Swedish and we make no sense to him. When I spoke to Belial, I used a devilish language. That one I’ll teach you properly, as you’ll need it.”

  “What is the fucking asshole thinking about now?”

  “He’s generally frustrated, as I ordered most of our meal in English, and he couldn’t catch my last request. To his perception, I lowered my voice in a more controversial manner. He has the poison with him in his pocket, and he’s debating how to make the most use of it. His companions also have doses of it with them. I find them foolish, carrying such a thing in something as fragile as a glass bottle in their pockets. They are just smart enough to be dangerous.”

  “What does he think about you?”

  “I annoy him because I’m in the way of what he wants.”

  “Well, that’s certainly true. Is he going to interrupt our dinner?”

  “No. He likes this restaurant and doesn’t want to risk being unable to return, so he’s biding his time. His current plan is to wait until we’re finished and follow us out, approaching and poisoning us when we’re on the street. Once the poison kicks in, he wants to claim you. He will have me followed and dealt with at the earliest opportunity.”

  Well, at least my dinner would be safe, and if he did screw up my dinner, I would turn my chair into a lethal weapon. “That’s not going to work out as he’s expecting.”

  “I do find that to be very amusing. I have plans to make you my equal on the survivability front.”

  “Through conversion.”

  “I’ll enjoy it immensely, and I will endeavor to make certain you enjoy it as much as I do.” The Devil smirked. “Of course, all I have to do to catch your attention is unbutton my shirt. I have you figured out.”

  Busted. “I refuse to be ashamed of my interest in your chest.”

  “And I refuse to be ashamed of my interest in your spots. We are well matched in that regard. I’m far more generous about my chest than you are about your spots. You should be more generous with your spots. I’d very much appreciate them.”

  “You might kill your succubi if I let you play with all my spots at one time. I’ve seen what you can do with only access to my ears and tail.”

  “I wouldn’t kill them. They’d just be excessively satisfied and whine over having been thoroughly exercised. The incubi will love me. I’m just spreading the joy. They’ll be fine. They’re just very well fed and need to digest. Both succubi and incubi feed off sexual energy, and you bring out the best in me. Once I have you fully converted, you’ll be well tended, that much I can promise. I’m greedy and selfish, after all.”

  He was the Lord of Lies, and I raised a brow, wondering who he was trying to convince with that load of drivel. “Yes, you’re so terribly greedy and selfish.”

  “Is that sarcasm I’m hearing, my darling?”

  “Perhaps.”

  He chuckled. “Most would not be so bold with me.”

  “I have what you want,
and as such, I get to be as bold with you as I want. Anyway, you like it.”

  “I like it very much.”

  “If I can’t have a baseball bat, can I break my chair over his head and beat him that way?”

  Lucifer coughed and covered his mouth. “First, I fail to tire you out. Then, because that was not bad enough, I have not fed you sufficiently to control your murderous instincts. If the thought of you beating some foolish mortal to a near-death state while wearing that dress wasn’t so damned attractive, I might be concerned. But it’s very attractive, and I regret I can’t encourage you to do just that. A little wine may help take the edge off.” Reaching for the bottle of his preferred wine, he poured some for me and offered me the glass. “One of the perks of being my companion is your newfound ability to drink as much as you want without concern over becoming too drunk. I find the idea of abusing magic for my enjoyment amusing, and keeping you pleasantly intoxicated without being fully impaired is my idea of a good time. Lowered inhibitions and all.”

  “Does that come with a reduced chance of hangover?”

  “Absolutely.”

  “How have you stayed single for this long?” I sniffed the wine and took a careful sip of it, finding it to be a little sweet and complex in its underlying flavors. “You’re right. This is a good wine.”

  “I’m always right.”

  “Are you going to try to sell me the Golden Gate next?”

  “Do you want it?”

  “No. What would I do with a bridge?”

  “Fling men like Gallo off the side, I suspect.”

  “I don’t need to own the bridge to do that. Can I change my mind about keeping that fucking asshole alive? He pisses me off. Just knowing he’s behind me, plotting to turn me into his pet, really, really pisses me off.”

  “Smooth your fur, kitty. He’s not going to do anything to you. I’ll see to that.”

  “I don’t want you to see to that. I want to beat him to death with my chair. He was going to do what to my brother?”