Craving Lily

by Nicole Jacquelyn

  We were dating like middle schoolers, and I didn’t give a single fuck. My hand was taking care of business downstairs for the first time in years, and it didn’t bother me a bit. I was just happy to spend time with her.

  I couldn’t get over the way her mind worked. She was always thinking ten steps ahead of everyone else. She saw shit that other people never noticed, and it was like she filed it away in case she’d need the information later. It was really similar to the way I’d seen Casper figure shit out, but I had a feeling that in a few years, after Lily had a bit more life experience, she’d leave her dad in the dust.

  I’d done okay in school and I’d never had a hard time as long as I finished my assignments, but Lily was in an entirely different league. It was so fucking cool to watch. I had no idea how our school system had kept her engaged as she’d gotten older. I was almost positive that she could think circles around all the teachers in her high school.

  I’d become one of those guys that noticed every single brush of skin. I’d never really thought about it before, but now, I knew the second that Lily’s hand brushed down the back of my arm. I noticed any time her knee bumped mine underneath a table, or her shoulder rubbed against my chest as she brushed past me. All of those touches meant something. We were in a dance. I was the person standing in the middle of the room and she was the person spinning in front of me, crooking her finger to try and tempt me into movement.

  She reached up and ran her fingers over the back of my neck when I was focused on something, rested her hand on my thigh when I drove her somewhere in my old truck, gripped my fingers in hers if we were walking side-by-side.

  I never discouraged her.

  I also never instigated more.

  I could hear Casper’s voice constantly reminding me that if I loved her, I wouldn’t hold her back. I wouldn’t give her a reason to bail on school or choose a lesser school just to be closer to me. It was my job to make sure that she knew she should go to the best school, not the one that kept her near me, but the one that would help her build a future. If I wanted to be with her, and I did, it was my responsibility to make sure that she picked wisely and for the right reasons. Because of that, I kept our touching to a minimum, no matter how badly I wanted my hands on her.

  It was only a few months until she turned 18, but at that point, it no longer mattered. Sex changed things, especially sex with someone you cared about. It made feelings stronger and connections tighter, and that would be multiplied for Lily because she’d never been with anyone else.

  I couldn’t tie her to me like that. Not yet.

  So, like Casper had told me to that day in his office, I kept my hands to myself and my dick in my pants. It was easier than I’d thought it would be.

  Loving her made everything easier.

  “Guess who,” Lily whispered, covering my eyes with her slender fingers as I sprawled out on a couch reading. I swallowed hard as she bit gently on my earlobe.

  “Mom?” I asked, feigning confusion.

  “Oh, gross!” Her hands flew off my eyes as I laughed.

  “What’re you doing here, gorgeous?” I asked, shifting a bit as she sat down. I was laying lengthwise across the cushions, and her ass was half in my lap and half between my hip and the back of the couch. It felt a little too good.

  “Got out a bit early, so I came here instead of going home. Why aren’t you working?”

  “Slow day.” Resting my hand on her thigh, I allowed my thumb to smooth back and forth across her jeans, but no more than that. “I’m flush, so I took the day off to let some of the other guys work.”

  “That was nice of you,” she said, smiling.

  “Worked out well for me,” I pointed out, shaking the book in my hand. “Gave me some time to read.”

  “I love it that you read.”

  “Everyone reads.”

  “Not everyone reads for pleasure.”

  Listening to her say pleasure was the highlight of my week.

  “Most people just haven’t found the right book yet,” I said, dropping my paperback on the floor so I could fold my arm behind my head. “Or they have a hard time reading, but that would get better with practice.”

  “What’s your favorite book?”

  “Don’t have one.”

  “Bullshit,” she said, pinching my chest.

  “I’m serious,” I argued, grabbing her hand. “I have a bunch of books I re-read, but I don’t have a single favorite. Depends on what I’m in the mood for.”

  “I like romance novels.”

  “I’ve read a couple ‘a good ones,” I agreed, nodding.

  “No way!”

  “Yes, way.” I laughed. “You’d be surprised at how many romance novels are floatin’ around inside. I musta read like ten of ’em last time I was in.”

  “How long were you there?”

  “Just the weekend.”

  “That’s a lot of books in one weekend.”

  “What the fuck else was I supposed to do?”

  “Good point,” she said, nodding.

  “Like this better,” I said quietly, grabbing my book off the floor. “Sittin’ here on a couch that smells like stale beer and weed, with a little sci-fi novel and you in my lap.”

  She blew me a kiss, then leaned back and yanked her backpack from behind the couch.

  “I’ll make it even better,” she said, lifting her eyebrows up and down.

  She turned and slid until her head was on the arm of the opposite end of the couch, wiggled her ass until it was between my knees on the cushions, then brought her feet up and rested them on my belly, crossed at the ankles. A few seconds later, she had her own paperback in her hands and was happily ignoring me beyond the hand that was softly rubbing circular patterns on my shin.

  “Jesus Christ, you’re perfect,” I said hoarsely, staring at her.

  “I’ve been telling you that for years,” she said without taking her eyes off her book.

  After an hour of silence, Casper came in the front door looking for her.

  “Time to go, Lilybug,” he called, his eyes tracking from my end of the couch to hers. He paused and stared at the way my hand was wrapped around Lily’s foot, my thumb massaging the arch, but he didn’t say a word.

  “Okay, Daddio,” she replied, wiggling her toes before lifting her feet from my belly and spinning in her seat until they landed on the floor. “Be right out.”

  “We should do this every day,” Lily said quietly, glancing at me as she stuffed her book back into her bag.

  “I can make that happen,” I said, watching as her braid fell over her shoulder and she absentmindedly threw it back behind her.

  “You’re the best part of my day,” she said, looking quickly at her dad across the room before she lowered her voice even further. “I wish—”

  “Come on, kiddo,” Casper called, cutting her off.

  I never knew what she was going to say. She hopped off the couch and gave me a huge smile before spinning toward her dad and following him out of the clubhouse. If I’d known what would happen the next morning, I would’ve stopped her. I still don’t know what I could’ve said that would have made what came next any easier, but I would’ve said something. Maybe told her I loved her, no matter what. That I believed that she was going to do big things with her life. That she was the smartest person I’d ever met. That if it was up to me, she’d never hurt or want for anything for the rest of her life.

  Instead, I just watched her go, my lips twitching as she bumped her dad with her hip as she passed him.

  * * *

  “We’re going to that bar Trix likes tonight,” Cam told me as he helped me jack up a Corolla. “Hopefully, the place won’t be packed.”

  “You know it’s gonna be,” I replied, shaking my head. “That place is always crowded on Fridays.”

  “The things I do for my woman,” Cam grunted.

  “You know my sister leads you around by the short and curlies,” I huffed back. “Jesus, this car is a p
ain in the ass.”

  “Why the fuck are they trying to salvage this piece of shit?”

  “Nostalgia, I think. The guy that came in said his wife has had it since she started drivin’.”

  “Cheap ass doesn’t want to upgrade,” Cam said derisively.

  “Could be.”

  “So you comin’ tonight?”

  “Probably not.” I laughed at his scowl. “I stopped havin’ to do what my sister said when I got bigger than her.”

  “You know that ain’t true,” Cam joked. “I’ll just make sure she asks you directly.”

  “I won’t answer my phone,” I warned. He knew that I had a hard time telling my sister no about anything.

  “Yo, Leo,” Tommy called, his tone off somehow. “You got a visitor.”

  “Christ,” I mumbled, grabbing a rag to wipe my hands. “What now?”

  I turned and walked toward the front of the garage, pausing in surprise when I saw Ashley standing there awkwardly. She wasn’t wearing any makeup, but she wasn’t really a woman who needed it anyway so that didn’t really alarm me. It wasn’t until I saw the scared shitless look on her face that I wanted to spin on my heel and run in the opposite direction.

  If the woman gave me some fucking STD, I was going to lose it.

  “Hey,” she said, glancing over my shoulder at the guys. “You have a minute?”

  “Sure.” I didn’t look behind me at the men I knew were watching every move I made. They knew the situation with Lily—or at least thought they did—and I had a feeling that none of them were pleased that Ashley was showing up to see me.

  “Come on,” I said, ushering her toward the front door of the clubhouse. “Let’s get out of the rain.”

  “I’m sorry I’m bothering you at work,” she said as we hurried inside. “I didn’t want to show up, you know, when she was here.”

  “Not sure showing up in the middle of the day was any better,” I replied. “It’s fine, though. What’s up?”

  We stood awkwardly right inside the door, but I didn’t offer her a seat. I didn’t want to give the impression that her visit was welcome. I knew that made me an asshole, but fuck, the minute Lily heard about this she was going to flip. It didn’t matter how innocent Ashley’s visit was, if Lily heard I was hanging out with her, she’d lose her mind. After all the times she’d seen me whoring around while she waited on the sidelines, I couldn’t stomach the thought of her worrying about that shit now.

  “I’m so sorry,” Ashley said, crossing her arms over her chest. “I’m so sorry, Leo.”

  “For what?” I asked in confusion. My mind raced. “What the fuck did you do?”

  Thoughts of her in bed with our enemies or even worse, the police, made me stare at her in horror.

  “I swear to God, I was on birth control. I had an IUD, you know? They put it in and it was supposed to work for like five years. They said it would work.”

  Black edged at my vision and I shook my head to clear it. No. No fucking way.

  “I didn’t have to take pills or anything, so that way I knew I wouldn’t forget.”

  “No,” I mumbled, unable to take my eyes off her face, even though I wanted so badly to look around the room for someone to save my ass.

  “I was going to get an abortion—”

  My stomach pitched like I was going to be sick.

  “—but I couldn’t do it. I’m so sorry, Leo.”

  “You’re sure?” I rasped out. She nodded. “You’re sure it’s mine?”

  She winced, but nodded. I hoped she saw it as a fair question. We’d been with each other a lot, but neither of us had made any promises. For all I knew, she’d been seeing other people.

  “Fuck me,” I breathed, finally able to look away. The room was spinning as I stared at my work boots, trying to make sense of the epic clusterfuck my life had just become.

  “I don’t need anything from you,” she said quietly, her voice wobbling. “You didn’t ask for this and—”

  “You didn’t ask for it either,” I cut in, wiping my hand down my face as I tried to find some sense of control.

  “I didn’t want to say anything. I have a good job, and I’ve got this. But telling you was the right thing to do,” she said, shrugging. She brushed at the tears on her face.

  “Thank you,” I replied, meeting her eyes again. Even if it was the most unwelcome news I could’ve imagined, the thought of having a kid out there that I knew nothing about was abhorrent.

  “You’re welcome,” she said, shuffling her feet a little. “The doctor said I just hit my second trimester, so I’ve still got a long way to go before it gets here.”

  I nodded dumbly, wondering what else I should say. What the fuck was I supposed to say?

  “Okay, well,” she said, sighing. “I’ll keep you updated, okay?”

  I nodded, my tongue glued to the roof of my mouth, making speech impossible.

  I stood there silently as she left, and then I stood there some more, my eyes so wide that I was sure they looked like they were going to pop out of my head at any second.

  I swayed on my feet, but didn’t reach for anything, kind of hoping I’d go down and knock myself out.

  “Whoa, kid,” Casper said from behind me, his hands grabbing my shoulders. “Take a seat.”

  As soon as I’d dropped into a chair and he saw my face, he jerked back.

  “You’re pale as your mother,” he said. “Never thought I’d see that happen. You okay?”

  “Ashley’s pregnant,” I replied.

  I saw his fist come at my face in slow motion, but I didn’t move, just closed my eyes and let it come.

  “Goddamn it, Leo,” he said as I recovered from the punch that had rattled my jaw.

  “What the fuck am I going to do?” I whispered, clenching my jaw against the very real urge to cry.

  “Shit,” he said softly. Then, without any warning, Lily’s dad was hugging me tight, his hand on the back of my head, pushing my eyes against his shoulder. “It’s alright, son. It’s gonna be alright.”

  I didn’t really see how that was possible.

  Chapter 14

  Lily

  “You don’t know me,” I yelled at Rose as she tried to steal my Spanish homework so she could copy it. “Don’t tell me how to live my life!”

  “You’re such an asshole,” she laughed. “Hand it over.”

  “Why don’t you just do it yourself?”

  “Because I want a good grade and you’re the one who got into Yale!”

  “Shh,” I warned, smacking her with the paper. “I haven’t told my parents, idiot.”

  “Well, why not?” she asked, snatching the paper out of my hand.

  “Because my dad really wants me to go there, and I don’t want to hear it.”

  “You’re going,” Rose said, shaking her head. “You’re not stupid enough to give up Yale.”

  “I got into plenty of other schools.”

  “Yeah, but Yale.”

  “It’s really expensive.”

  “So? Dude, if you graduate from Yale, you can pay off all your loans with the fancy ass job you get.”

  “I think I want to stay in Oregon,” I said quietly, not meeting her eyes as I pulled my calculus book out of my backpack. “In-state tuition is way cheaper.”

  “Oh, bullshit,” Rose said, slapping my bed. “You just don’t want to leave Leo.”

  A knock on my bedroom door silenced me before I could protest.

  “Lily, you’ve got a visitor downstairs,” my dad said through the door.

  “A visitor?” Rose asked as his footsteps grew faint. “Who’d come to see you? I’m already here.”

  “No idea.” I rolled off my bed and soothed down my braid. “I’ll be right back.”

  I jogged down the stairs and came to an abrupt stop when I saw Leo standing in the middle of our living room. He looked like shit. His eyes were bloodshot as hell, and his face was paler than I’d ever seen it. He looked sick.

  “What
’s wrong?” I asked, fear making my voice come out high.

  “Lily,” he said, taking a step forward.

  “You never call me Lily,” I replied, watching him carefully.

  “You’re the most—”

  “You never call me Lily,” I said again, suspiciously, my heart beginning to race.

  “Baby—”

  “Why are you calling me Lily?”

  “Dandelion,” he said softly, taking another step toward me.

  “No,” I ordered, raising my hand. “Stop.”

  Leo’s shoulders dropped, and I felt everything inside me, everything that made me me, begin to shake. That’s when I noticed that my dad had left Leo and I completely alone.

  “What did you do?” I asked, my eyes beginning to burn. “What did you do, Leo?”

  “I love you.”

  “What did you do?”

  “Ashley’s pregnant.”

  “No, she’s not.” I shook my head.

  “I didn’t know,” he said, his voice pleading. “I swear, I didn’t.”

  Everything inside me quieted to nothing.

  “You’re going to have a baby,” I said flatly. “With someone else.”

  “I’m so sorry, Dandelion,” he said, coming even closer to my spot at the bottom of the stairs.

  “Babies aren’t something to be sorry about,” I replied, lifting my chin. “Don’t say that again.”

  “That wasn’t what I meant—”

  “Thanks for letting me know,” I cut him off. I tried to smile, but that small prevarication was impossible. “Congratulations.”

  “What? No.” He finally reached me, but his hand on my face brought none of the familiar feelings that I’d come to expect. I was numb with disbelief. Numb with horror. Numb with the realization that the man I loved was going to be building a life with someone else. I felt nothing.

  “I think you should go,” I said softly, pulling his hand off my face. “Good luck, Leo.”

  “I’m not with her,” he argued, reaching for me again. “This doesn’t change anything.”