Craving Lily

by Nicole Jacquelyn

  “It changes everything,” I replied incredulously. “I’m seventeen.”

  “I know how old you are.”

  “You’re going to be a dad.”

  “I know.”

  “I’m seventeen,” I said again, swatting at his hands.

  “It’s time for you to leave, Leo,” my mom said kindly as she stepped into view.

  His arms dropped to his sides in defeat as he stared at me like he didn’t even know me.

  “I was there for you,” he said so quietly that I almost didn’t hear him. “I’ve always had your back.”

  Then he turned and strode out the front door, closing it respectfully behind him, though I knew he’d wanted to slam it.

  “You did good, Lilybug,” my mom said gently. I stiffened as she hugged me. “You did the right thing.”

  “Does everyone know?” I asked dully as she let me go.

  “No. Just me and your dad. Leo wanted to tell you first.”

  “Okay.” I nodded. Swallowed. Nodded again. “I got into Yale.”

  I was already turning toward the stairs when my mom finally said, “You did?”

  “Yeah.” I looked over my shoulder at her and smiled wanly. “We should probably start figuring out finances if I’m moving across the country.”

  “I’m so proud of you, Lily,” she called as I forced myself up each stair.

  “Thanks, Ma.”

  Rose was at my door, her arms wide with welcome and understanding as I stumbled toward her. Thank God, my cousin always eavesdropped. She knew exactly what I needed and I hadn’t had to say a word.

  “We’re going to fucking own New Haven,” she whispered into my ear. “I hope you didn’t think you were going without me.”

  Part 2

  Chapter 15

  Lily

  Two years and three months in New Haven, and the place still didn’t feel like home. The weather was too harsh and the humidity killed, and I couldn’t stand all the people. I was making it work, I even had fun with Rose on occasion, but living there still felt like a shirt that wasn’t sewn correctly and pulled in all the wrong places.

  I was doing it, though. I’d been plugging along, doing my schoolwork and tutoring for extra cash, like my dad had advised me to. Well, he’d actually told me to write papers for the rich kids, but I figured my way was a bit safer for my scholarships with the ethics clauses. As long as I planned everything down to the hour and stuck to my schedule, I did alright. I even had time to hang out with Rose, even if it was just sitting at the bar where she worked, watching her sling drinks for frat boys and trust fund babies.

  The first year had been hard because I’d had to live in the dorms while Rose shared an apartment with five other people, but we’d made it work. Eventually, we had been able to get a place together. We had to share the two-bedroom apartment with two other people in order to afford it, but since we’d been living in each other’s pockets for our entire lives, sharing a bedroom wasn’t too bad.

  I groaned as I hit the first flight of stairs in our building and readjusted my messenger bag across my chest. Early morning classes sucked ass, but I’d realized in my first year that it helped to get a jump on everything if classes were knocked out first thing and I had the rest of the day to actually do the work. Rose worked so late most nights that she was rarely awake by the time I got home, so I usually had a couple of hours of quiet before she climbed out of bed and started jabbering.

  I was contemplating an hour-long nap as I opened our front door, but all thoughts of rearranging my schedule completely flew out of my mind when I found Rose waiting for me, two duffle bags at her feet.

  “What happened?” I asked instantly, letting the door swing shut behind me. It was Friday. She’d worked the Thirsty Thursday shift the night before and there were very few things that would wake her at ten in the morning the next day.

  “You have your wallet?” she asked, searching my face.

  “Of course. What the hell?”

  “First, you have to know that he’s okay,” she said, picking up the bags at her feet. “But we need to leave right now to catch our flight home.”

  “Who’s okay?” I asked, starting to panic as she moved toward me.

  “Come on,” she said as she steered me back out the front door, moving ahead of me as she practically jogged forward. “Your dad was in an accident last night.”

  “Oh, God,” I murmured, stumbling as I tried to keep up with her descent down the stairs.

  “He was in your mom’s SUV,” she clarified, instantly calming me a little. Motorcycle accidents were almost always significantly worse. “He was t-boned by some old guy that had a heart attack. Your mom called this morning. He’s in the hospital, and he’ll be okay, but she said it’s pretty bad.”

  “How bad?” I asked as she climbed into the back of a waiting cab that I hadn’t even noticed as I’d entered our building five minutes before.

  “Broken pelvis, broken ribs, broken arm and shoulder,” she said as I sat down next to her. “They’re doing surgery this morning to fix some internal bleeding.”

  Her hand reached for mine and squeezed it hard as I tried to make sense of what she was telling me.

  “Jesus Christ,” I rasped as she told the driver where to go. “The guy must’ve been going a hundred miles an hour.”

  “Close to it, I think,” she said quietly, buckling my seatbelt as I sat there stunned.

  I stared out the window in a daze as we cruised down now-familiar streets toward the airport. I’d gone home as often as I could afford, saving and scrimping so that I could spend Christmas and the summer with my parents, but all of a sudden, it felt like I’d abandoned them completely. I knew in my gut that a part of me had.

  I’d been home. I’d celebrated holidays with them and had video chats with them at least once a week, but I’d made it very clear from the moment I left that I’d only wanted to see or hear about our little family. I hadn’t let them discuss the club with me, even though it was a huge part of their life.

  I had to do it. I had to cut that part out completely, or I wouldn’t have been able to leave, and once I’d gotten to New Haven, I wouldn’t have been able to stay.

  Over the past couple of years, I’d grown. I’d had a couple casual boyfriends. I’d dated and been to parties with Rose. I’d even lost my virginity in a lousy attempt at sex with a guy who lived in my dorm my freshman year. I’d done my best to move on and move forward, something I’d have been incapable of doing with constant reminders of what I’d left behind.

  My parents understood. I think they’d even been proud of the decisions I’d made. However, thinking about the way I’d left almost everyone behind made my stomach tighten into knots. It had been self-preservation, plain and simple, but I couldn’t help but wonder if somewhere along the line it had turned into something else. Maybe it had just become easier to pretend that half of my life didn’t exist anymore.

  I’d grown comfortable with the absence of people that had loved me for my entire life, and I was suddenly ashamed of that. I knew with a certainty born of eighteen years of support that in that very moment, there were people flooding the waiting room of the hospital waiting for news, and for the past two years I’d completely ignored those people’s very existence.

  Rose kept up with all of it. I’d overheard her regular calls home to the people I’d ignored. Even Trix, my sister-in-law that had loved me for as long as I could remember, had felt the sting of my indifference. She was Leo’s sister, and though I’d been kind and had always been happy to see her and my nephews, looking at her was just plain painful for me. I hadn’t been able to pretend.

  It took us two hours before we were on our first flight, and I’d spent most of the time quietly stuck in my own head. I couldn’t stop thinking about how my dad would look, what he was going through, and whether he was in any pain. I’d tried to call my mom twice, but her phone must have been turned off. I called my brother and got no answer.

  A
s we’d boarded the flight, Rose was able to get a hold of Aunt Callie, but she didn’t have any more news for us. My dad was in surgery and they didn’t know when he’d be done.

  We just had to wait. Wait and worry. Switch planes. Call home again. I finally got in touch with my brother, but he didn’t have anything new to tell me, and his voice sounded off, like he was carefully planning his words. He told me that he was sitting in the waiting room with everyone else and hadn’t been updated in hours. My mom was somewhere in the bowels of the hospital waiting for my dad’s surgery to be over, but unsurprisingly, no one had seen her in a while.

  The next flight was longer. Rose played games on her tablet, but I couldn’t seem to do anything but stare at the seatback in front of me. I ignored her attempts at conversation and the new romance novel she dropped in my lap.

  I couldn’t focus. I could barely breathe. The longer it took to get us home, the harder it got to wait. I needed to be there. I needed to hold my mom’s hand and reassure her. I needed to make sure someone had called Cecilia because I didn’t even have her new phone number.

  I needed to get off that fucking plane.

  Eight hours later, my hair was greasy, my stomach was churning, and my hands were shaking as we taxied down the runway to our final gate.

  “Lil,” Rose said quietly, turning her head slowly to face me. “I didn’t tell you everything.”

  I stopped breathing.

  “Your dad,” she grimaced. “He was driving Ashley home from a party at the club.”

  “What?”

  “Leo’s Ashley.”

  The in-flight soda I’d choked down threatened to come back up.

  “She didn’t make it,” Rose said softly.

  “What?” I asked again, dumbly. “That doesn’t make any sense.”

  “He wasn’t drinking and my mom said that he offered to take her home since she was pretty blitzed and didn’t want to stay the night.”

  It felt like a betrayal. The emotion hit me so hard that I had to deliberately hold back a gasp. I’d spent so much time pretending like she didn’t exist, like neither of them existed, but my family had clearly been close to them and I’d never known. I’d made my opinion clear about any news on Leo, but I still couldn’t believe that my parents maintained some sort of relationship I didn’t know about.

  I didn’t say any of that out loud. I couldn’t. She was dead. She was dead and my dad was in the hospital, and my hurt feelings didn’t matter to anyone. Guilt hit me hard as I realized how very self-centered my reaction was.

  Somewhere at the end of our flight was a child without its mother. Leo, a man that I’d tried and failed not to love, had lost someone important to him. I didn’t know if they were together, though I always assumed they would be, but even that didn’t matter. She was the mother of his baby. He must be devastated.

  I closed my eyes, deliberately picturing Leo’s face for the first time in years, and fought tears as my chest tightened with a sob. It was awful, all of it, and for the first time in a long time, I wanted my mom.

  When we finally made our way out of the airport and into the Oregon rain, my uncle was waiting. He didn’t say much, that wasn’t his style, but he pulled us in for a group hug the minute he saw us and held us tightly for a long moment. His big arms and solid chest were the most comforting thing I’d felt since I’d woken up that morning, and I swallowed down the lump in my throat as he let us go.

  “You girls hungry?” he asked as he threw our bags in the trunk.

  “We can eat at the hospital,” I said, not even glancing his way as I climbed into the backseat.

  It only took seconds before he and Rose were climbing in the front, but it felt like an eternity.

  The scene at the hospital was exactly like I’d imagined. Aces stood around, filling the tiny waiting room on the surgical floor, while their wives and girlfriends sat in small clusters of chairs talking quietly. I let my eyes flicker over every face as we got off the elevator, but I didn’t meet anyone’s eyes until my brother, Cam, took a step away from the wall he’d been leaning on.

  My entire body sagged as he moved toward me on steady feet, his boots making little noise as he crossed the floor. I let out a breath of relief when he hugged me tight.

  “Dad’s out of surgery,” he said quietly, his hand smoothing down the back of my hair as I shook. “Mom came out and updated us just a little while ago. She told me to wait for you so I could bring you back when you got here.”

  “Does Ceecee know?” I asked, my voice tight with relief and anxiety.

  “Yeah, I got a hold of her after I talked to you. She might be heading up here.”

  Half of me was relieved and the other half concerned that my sister might be coming home for a visit for the first time in so many years, but I brushed those thoughts away as my brother led me down the corridor toward my dad’s room.

  I tried to brace myself as he pushed open the door, but the sight of my dad laying there with tubes and IVs everywhere made me lightheaded. He was unconscious, and monitors were beeping and whooshing like some sort of weird symphony.

  “You’re here,” my mom said in relief, giving me a small smile as she got out of her chair. “Wasn’t sure if we could pull you away from all that higher learning.”

  “I was getting bored anyway,” I shot back, wrapping my arms around her waist and pulling her fully against me. “It’s hard being smarter than everyone.”

  “Of course it is,” she replied, giving me a squeeze. Then her voice changed, and the exhaustion leaked through. “I’m glad you’re here, baby.”

  “Me, too.”

  She pulled away and gave my brother’s bicep a squeeze before walking back to her place beside my dad.

  “How’s he doin’?” Cam asked.

  “They said everything went well,” Mom answered, laying her hand gently on my dad’s thigh. “They set his arm while they were in there, but I don’t think they can really do anything for the rest.”

  “Probably just dope him up,” Cam said, agreeing.

  “Wish they’d dope me up again,” Mom mumbled dryly.

  “Wait, what?” I asked, making my way slowly to my dad’s side.

  His arm was casted and his skin was paler than I’d ever seen it, but if I ignored all the tubes and wires, he almost looked normal. He didn’t have a single scratch or bruise from the neck up.

  “They gave me something to calm me down when I got here last night,” Mom said, dropping her head back against the chair.

  “Causing a ruckus, were you?”

  “That bitch of a nurse at the front desk wouldn’t tell me a goddamn thing and wouldn’t fucking let me see him,” she replied. “I may have gotten a little belligerent.”

  “You’re lucky they didn’t call security.”

  “Molly showed up while we were arguing and took care of it,” Mom said. “Everyone loves her here.”

  “Everyone loves her, period.”

  “You need anything, Ma?” Cam asked, still standing uncomfortably by the door. “I was gonna run home and shower.”

  “I’m good, son,” mom replied gently, her eyes soft on his face. “And Dad’s just going to sleep it off for a couple more hours. Go home, give the boys and Charlie some kisses for me.”

  Cam nodded. “She’s gonna want to come up here.”

  “Tell her she can come up tomorrow,” Mom said tiredly and gestured toward my dad’s bed. “Hopefully, some of this shit will be gone by then.”

  “Will do.”

  He left without giving either of us a hug, anxious to leave the room.

  “Your brother might be built like a bull, but he’s got the heart of a lamb,” my mom joked as I ran a finger softly over my dad’s hand. It was the only place that felt safe to touch him and let him know I was there. “I think seeing your dad laid up shook him more than he’d like to admit.”

  “He’s always been good with this stuff,” I replied.

  “Yeah, but it was never your dad,” she
pointed out. “He’s been pretty lucky. The last time your dad was hurt, we didn’t have any of you kids yet. I guess it was his turn.”

  “That’s a morbid way to look at it,” I argued, meeting her eyes.

  “Gotta find some reason for this shit,” she said softly. “Otherwise, you’ll go crazy.”

  “You look exhausted—”

  “Hey!”

  “Still beautiful,” I corrected. “But tired.”

  “I am, kid.” She nodded. “He was awake, you know, when they put him in the ambulance.”

  “Really?” I looked him over and couldn’t imagine how he’d stayed conscious.

  “Yeah.” She sighed. “He called me on his way here. He knew before the paramedics showed up that Ashley was gone and he wanted to make sure I knew it wasn’t him.”

  “Jesus,” I breathed.

  “The guy hit her side.” My mom shook her head and squeezed her eyes tightly shut. “She didn’t have a fucking chance.”

  “But he’s going to blame himself,” I replied quietly.

  “Yes.”

  “What happened to the guy?”

  “They think he was dead before he even hit them.”

  “What a fucking nightmare,” I mumbled, scrubbing my hands over my face.

  It felt like an eternity since my alarm had woken me for class. I didn’t even remember most of the day, but it felt like it had dragged on forever.

  “You should go home and get some rest,” Mom said, eyeing me.

  “You should go home and get some rest. Were you up all night?”

  “Yeah. I passed out for a couple hours once we knew he was going to be okay, though. Whatever they gave me made sure of that.”

  “Why don’t you go home and I’ll stay?” I offered.

  “I love you for offering,” she replied with a smile. “But as long as he’s here, I’m here.”

  “Stubborn.”

  “Where do you think you got it?”

  “You know he’s going to make you go home when he wakes up.”

  “He can try. For now, though, he doesn’t have a choice.”

  Since there was only one chair in the room, I found a spot against the wall and settled in on the floor. There was nothing that I could do, but I wasn’t ready to leave my dad yet, either. Just knowing that I was only a foot away from him calmed me. I’d always been close to both of my parents, but my dad and I had a special bond. It was different than either of my sisters or brother had with him. From the minute I could walk, I’d followed him around, asking questions and soaking up everything he said. I think that’s how they’d originally known that my intelligence wasn’t quite the same as other kids my age. When I’d wanted to know how an engine worked, he’d explained it, then had watched wide eyed as I’d asked him detailed and specific questions about what he’d told me. That’s the story I’d heard growing up, anyway. I’d only been three at the time.