Return to Grace

by Bethany Surreira

  He tapped his thumbs on the side of his mug before taking a big gulp of the coffee. Good. He was nervous, too. It was amazing how much you could remember about someone you hadn’t seen in so long.

  “Where is the box?” I asked.

  “It’s in my car still. I can go out and get it now if you want,” he said as he stood up.

  He came all the way over here and just left the box in the car? Did that mean he wanted to see me? I internally chastised myself for my thoughts. He wasn’t available anymore. I had my chance and I blew it.

  “Sure, thanks. I’m interested to see what it is.”

  Once he was outside, I let out a big breath, recognizing my shaky nerves. I had known him since I was born, and yet, I felt as though this was our first meeting. I couldn’t help but wonder what would have become of us had I stayed in Grace Valley and not broken up with him. I didn’t want to step on any toes, but I was determined to find out.

  When Caleb made his way back into the house, he said, “Here it is,” and handed it to me with shaking hands. “I hope you know how special your mom was to me.”

  “I know,” I replied through tears. “She would hate who I’ve become.”

  “Don’t say that. She loved you and was so proud of you. She told me everything you’ve been up to. She was sad that you wouldn’t talk to her anymore, but she never stopped loving you. Not even for a day. I think knowing you were living out your dream made her happy.”

  “Oh, Caleb. I feel like this is all I’ve been saying since I’ve gotten home, but what have I done? I’ve been shutting people out of my life for so long,” I admitted. “I’ll never get to see her again. Her last memory of me is watching me leave her and never even saying goodbye.”

  “You have to stop beating yourself up over this. There’s no way her last memory of you was your disagreement. If anything, she always hoped you would come home one day, but she told me once that her love for you ran so deep that she was willing to let you go just to keep you happy,” he told me, and reached across the table to hold my hands. “I know what she meant because I felt that way, too.”

  I felt my blood racing through my veins the second his skin touched mine. From the look on his face and the way he nervously licked his lips, I knew he felt it, too. I quickly pulled my hands away from his and brushed my hair out of my face. My breathing was quick and uneven, and I stood up to avoid having to look at him any longer.

  “I’m sorry,” he said. “I didn’t mean to.”

  “No, it’s okay. This is all just too much for me. Everything from the past seven years is all falling apart in my lap, and I don’t know how to handle it.”

  “I don’t remember much about when my dad passed away, but I know I don’t remember my mom handling anything,” Caleb said and stood so he was right in front of me again. “She was a mess. Sure, she was strong for me, but she leaned on Becky and your mom a lot. There were times where Dooley would come and pick me up just so I was taken care of. Some days I would wake up and she would still be on my dad’s recliner crying from the night before. Not once did my opinion of her change. Grief is hard and we all handle it differently. Some choose to let it consume them, and others use it as fuel to become the best possible version of themselves. Don’t let her death do anything other than keep you living your dreams. She would want you to keep moving forward.”

  I stood there and cried while he comforted me. It felt so wrong to be in the arms of another woman’s man, but it felt right that it was his arms I was in.

  “Caleb?”

  “Yeah?”

  “I’m so sorry about how things ended,” I said.

  “Leah, that’s water under the bridge. It’s been so long now that it’s not even important. Right now is about you and your mom,” Caleb said as he stroked the side of my face. I should have moved away but I relished in his closeness.

  “Please. I have to get this out. I shouldn’t have left the way I did and I’m sorry. I wanted so much to get out of here and become something bigger, and I didn’t really care who I hurt in the process. I never meant for it to end that way. I think a part of me thought I could control the situation and force you to come with me. But you didn’t budge and I don’t blame you,” I admitted.

  “I need to come clean about something. The first few months that you were gone were the hardest for me. I was at community college and I was doing well, but it was the only thing I was doing. If I wasn’t in class or doing homework, I was helping your dad at the store or grading papers for your mom. I barely even spent time with my own mother for fear I would break down. About a year after you left, your mom convinced me I could either get over it or do something about my pain, and I hopped on the train and went to New York,” he told me.

  My heart raced and I felt like I was going to vomit. What the hell was happening? Caleb took a deep breath and sat down cross-legged in the middle of the kitchen floor. He patted the space in front of him in hopes I would sit down with him. I remained standing.

  “Leah, I applied to NYU and was set to transfer there. I wanted to surprise you. I even had room and board and a job to start,” Caleb said.

  “What?” I asked, shaking my head slightly. “I don’t understand.”

  “When I got to the campus, I walked around for a while before I was supposed to go to admissions and collect all my information. It was warm out that day, so I grabbed a bottle of water and sat down on one of the benches. I was so nervous you wouldn’t want me to be there. Anyway, just when I was gathering up my bags, I saw you walking out of the admissions office, arm in arm with another guy. You looked so happy with him, and I couldn’t bear the thought of losing you a second time. So, I turned around, threw my papers in the trash, and got right back on the train to come home,” he admitted.

  I sat with him, quietly trying to figure out who he saw me with. I was almost always with Sara or alone. But then it hit me.

  “Caleb, I never dated anyone until I was out of college,” I told him. “The guy you saw me with was Josiah. I was a volunteer with a program that helped students with disabilities for a semester, and he was one of the people I worked with.”

  “Are you kidding me?” he asked in disbelief.

  “No, I’m serious. I knew I wanted to do something that would help the world somehow, and when my friend Sara told me about this program, I signed up immediately,” I said.

  “Shit. So it looks like we both fucked up then,” he said and laughed.

  “And it’s too late now,” I said.

  “What do you mean? I’m here, aren’t I?”

  “Caleb,” I said and went back to my seat at the kitchen table. “You’re engaged. I met Brittany. Lovely, by the way.” I hope he couldn’t see me rolling my eyes.

  “That doesn’t mean we can’t be friends,” he offered.

  “Friends? Caleb, I’m sorry but that’s just not possible for me. I don’t mean to sound immature, but that’s not something I can do.”

  “Why not? We have so much history, Leah. We’ve moved on, but that doesn’t mean we can’t been in each other’s lives.”

  “I made a mistake, but you were always it for me. I wasn’t important enough for you to follow through on. You swore you would never leave Grace Valley, but you did. And you’re marrying someone else,” I exclaimed.

  “What the hell, Leah?” he asked, confusion streaked across his face.

  Things had suddenly taken a turn for the worse. I told myself not to do it. I couldn’t lose my shit on this man, but I knew it was coming.

  “How could you do this to me?” I screamed at him, my knuckles white as I clutched onto my coffee mug so tightly I was afraid it was going to shatter in my hands.

  “Me? You did this, Leah. You left me, remember?” Caleb retaliated. “You were the one who just had to go all fancy and couldn’t bear the thought of staying behind to see where life took us. It’s not my fault you felt the need to go to the city.”

  “I went to college, Caleb. College! I didn’t go off
to some southern state and marry some chick on a whim!” I spit the words in his face like venom. “And I asked you to come with me. I wanted to stay together and you didn’t. You were too stubborn and thickheaded for that. It was all or nothing for you.”

  “We’re not married, Leah. We’re engaged. And it could have been you if you stayed. So cut the melodramatic bullshit.”

  “It could have been me?!” I shouted back. “We were seventeen years old! Who gets married at seventeen? You begged me not to go because you would never leave Grace Valley and then less than a year later, you move to Tennessee, go to college, graduate, and get engaged! How do you expect me to act?”

  “Get the hell out of here with that crap, Leah! You left,” Caleb yelled back at me. He didn’t seem the least bit concerned with hurting my feelings. “You honestly thought I was going to wither away all alone for the rest of my life in hopes that maybe someday you’d return and realize what you left behind? I’m sorry, but life had other plans for me, and if you can’t handle that, I don't know what to tell you.”

  “It’s not that I can’t handle it, Caleb,” I said. “It’s just a lot to take in and it hurts. You don’t owe me anything. I’m sorry, I know I shouldn’t have said anything. You can go.”

  I felt as though I had been transported back to our last summer together, and I turned and walked away from him and into the mudroom. I closed the door behind me and jumped up onto the small chest freezer. Nothing could keep my tears from falling. I kept staring at the checkered tile floor until I heard the front door gently close. He was gone again. Forever this time. Somehow, this pain hurt more than our actual breakup had all those years prior.

  What a mess I’d made. Maybe I should have just stayed in the city.

  20

  I couldn’t bring myself to get up right away, so I stayed in the mudroom with Gnocchi.

  “Sorry you had to see that, little man,” I said, leaning down to pet Gnocchi’s head. “I’m glad you’re still here with me.”

  I couldn’t stop thinking about Caleb and Brittany. I’d never be the type to break up a relationship, but that didn’t stop me from wishing they would call off the wedding. But it didn’t matter. I was going back to the city in a few days, and my life would resume as normal. It was time to stop moping. I was stronger than that.

  I hopped off the freezer and scooped Gnocchi up. The mudroom was heated, but the spoiled little cat that he was deserved to be curled up on a pillow by the fireplace. Once he was settled and cozy, I got my mother’s sweater to put on. After my conversation with Caleb and hearing about how much she had missed me, I needed to feel connected to her. I sat down at the kitchen table and stared at the box, rubbing my eyes until all of my mascara had transferred to my fingertips.

  I wondered what could have possibly been in there. I wasn’t sure if I should open it or wait for my dad to come home. Whatever it was could have been his. Or it could have been nothing at all and I was making it out to be something, like I always did for absolutely no reason.

  The box was beautiful. I knew my mom had a similar one that held onto all of the cards she had received over the years from her birthday, Mother’s Day, Christmas, etc.

  This one looked like it was designed specifically for me. It was covered with vintage stamps from all across the globe. Everywhere I had mentioned I’d wanted to travel and then some. In bold newspaper block on the front, it said, “Wherever you go, go with all your heart.” I smoothed my hands over the top of the box for a few minutes while I looked at all of the stamps and wondered what was inside.

  When I finally mustered up enough courage to open the box, I saw a stack of envelopes, each with a different date. I moved them around to see what was underneath, and I saw a little package of Mrs. Kratz’s sugar cookies, which were my absolute favorite, and a small clay heart. I picked up the heart and twirled it around in my fingers. There were two small hearts and a dotted line in between them. NYC was written in small letters at the heart on the left and CT was next to the small heart on the right.

  I slammed the lid closed and started to pace around the kitchen. I was so confused as to what all of this was, but I was too afraid to open it back up. Instead of continuing to explore the box, I did what I always did when I was under stress. I made a giant pot of coffee and started to think about what to cook for dinner even though Tammy sent a full meal for us. Coffee and cooking were two of my top three stress relievers, reading being the third. No way could I concentrate on a book right now. I needed food.

  But what could I make that didn’t remind me of my mom?

  I grabbed one of the old cookbooks my mom kept in the cabinet above the fridge and started to flip through the pages. Of course, this wouldn’t keep my mind off my mom or Caleb, but at least it would fill my belly, and that’s what I needed in order to keep going. Before I knew it, I had reached the end of the cookbook and had not a single recipe in mind. I put the book back and opened the fridge, hoping for some inspiration. I decided on a pesto and tomato grilled cheese. At least I could whip up a quick batch of pesto from scratch, which would make me feel accomplished, and I’d still have room for dinner from Tammy.

  The front door slammed shut, which told me that either Caleb had come back to sweep me off my feet or my dad was home. When I heard the loud thud of work boots hit the mudroom floor, I knew it was the latter.

  “Hey, Dad,” I called out to him. “Are you hungry? I made grilled cheese sandwiches.”

  “That sounds great, pumpkin. I’d love one. There’s some tomato soup in the fridge if you want to warm that up, too. I made it last night after you went to bed. I couldn’t get my mind to stop racing so, you know, I cooked but didn’t eat!” he said and laughed.

  The two of us had so much in common, and it was nice to be able to share this level of grief with each other so we didn’t fall apart. I looked up to my father in so many ways, but his absolute strength in situations like the loss of his wife was admirable.

  “Dad?” I asked.

  “Yeah?” he answered and walked to the cabinet to get the dishes.

  “Did you know about this box that Mom had with her in the car?”

  He stopped mid-walk to the kitchen table and looked at me. I couldn’t read his expression, but I knew he didn’t want to talk about it. He would because I was his whole world, but he definitely didn’t want to. I felt bad for asking and continuing to bring my mother up, but I was afraid to look deeper into the box on my own. God only knew what I might discover.

  “Leah, your mother and I never kept anything from each other. Ever. Even when we were upset with one another for something, we were always honest and open. Relationships without trust and understanding will never amount to anything. You know that. So, yes, I knew about the box. Have you opened it yet?” His tone was full of annoyance, and I knew I was pushing when I should leave him be.

  “Yes. I closed it after I saw the clay heart, though. I still can’t believe she was taking up pottery as a hobby,” I said as I plated the food for us to eat.

  “Maybe after you’ve eaten, you’ll want to take another look. It’s okay to be afraid of what you might find, but don’t wait too long. You don’t want to lose sight of what’s important,” he advised me.

  What was he trying to say? He was being so cryptic.

  “Yeah, maybe you’re right. How was your day?” I asked, changing the subject.

  “It was all right. I was able to get the cookie order set up, and Mr. Kratz will deliver them before we leave for the church. I went over to Dooley’s for a bit after lunch to help him out with some stuff in the barn. He told me he saw you at Tammy’s.”

  “Yeah, he’s not the only one I saw,” I said with a disgusted look smeared across my face.

  “Uh-oh. Do I even want to know?” he asked.

  “I was having a nice cup of tea with Tammy. We were reminiscing about old times and catching up in general, and Caleb’s fiancée came in to pick up lunch. It was fine until I told her my name and she freaked
out. I mean, she was not happy. I saw Tammy gloating on the inside. What the hell does Caleb see in her?”

  “Pumpkin, you need to use this trip home as a cleansing period because you have way too much in that heart and mind of yours. If you’re feeling this way, you owe it to yourself to find closure,” he told me in that ‘I’m your father, so I’m always right’ sort of way.

  “Dad, what am I supposed to do? Go up to him and say, ‘Hey, Buddy, I’m still in love with you! You shouldn’t marry Brittany because I’m your soulmate, and I never should have left you all those years ago?’ I’m not a homewrecker,” I said.

  There was a glisten in his eyes as he listened to me finally admit what had happened was my fault. I knew he didn’t like to see me in pain, but in order to move forward, I had to come to terms with my mistakes. I didn’t want to hear it, even though he was right.

  “Well, if you say it like that, then yes, you’ll look like a homewrecker,” he stated.

  “So then you see my dilemma?”

  “There is no dilemma but there are poor conversation skills, and that’s what’s happening here. Just be honest with him without involving anyone but the two of you. Listen, Leah, I’ve known Caleb since the day he was born. He was a good kid and is an even better man. He deserves to have closure just as much as you do. If you don’t feel comfortable telling him how you feel in person, you can always write him a letter,” he suggested. “Just be aware that you may not get the response you’re hoping for.”

  “Yeah, I guess. I don’t know what to say. I didn’t expect to have any of these feelings. I had pushed them aside for so long and they hadn’t crept back in until last week. It’s almost as if the universe knew what was going to happen and forced this all on me at once.”

  “Dramatic, but plausible,” he teased me.

  I smirked at him then got up to clear the table. “Do you mind doing the dishes tonight? I want to open the box alone in my room.”